Truth Is
Days had passed since Ryan and Sophie had seen each other, and Sophie still hadn't texted Ryan. It wasn't because she didn't want to see her again; rather, she couldn't shake the lingering thoughts triggered by Jordan's words. Sophie was uncertain about what doors might be opened if they were to meet again, alone.
In the meantime, Sophie found herself frequently visiting Ryan's social media page for her martial arts academy. The photos and videos of Ryan teaching and training showcased not only her dedication and passion, but also her incredible talent. Sophie couldn't help but feel a sense of pride for Ryan's accomplishments, and it only made the urge to reconnect with her stronger so she could tell her as much.
Sophie remembered their late-night conversations about Ryan's dreams and aspirations. Ryan had always wanted to give back to her community by providing something she had yearned for after her mother's passing: support, guidance, discipline, and a means to release her anger.
"Here goes nothing," Sophie whispered to herself as she typed a message to Ryan.
Sophie's Cell: Hey Ryan, Jordan and Lucas are doing their premarital counseling this afternoon, so I'm free. Are you open for lunch?
She reworded the text quite a few times before settling on the current message. She wanted it to seem like it was no big deal, just two friends catching up, but she didn’t want to appear too nonchalant about it.
***
When Ryan saw Sophie's text, immediately she tensed up, anxiously. The way seeing her had managed to throw her off so much, it took a tremendous amount of effort to not think about her over the last few days. Ryan knew it was best for everyone if she stayed as far away from Sophie as she could, at least until the wedding, which she honestly had started to reconsider. She felt crazy for reacting the way she was, but that’s what worried her. If she felt like this from a mere few minutes of interaction, what would happen at the wedding with Angelique sitting right next to her.
Ryan carefully crafted her response, trying to strike the right balance between friendly and distant. She wanted to let Sophie down gently, without giving her false hope. She couldn’t meet with her - her gut knew that was a recipe for a disaster. The reality was, she didn’t trust herself to be alone with Sophie.
Ryan's Cell: Hey Sophie, I wish I could. Unfortunately, I've got some things to take care of today, but maybe we can catch up another time.
***
Sophie couldn't deny the wave of disappointment that washed over her after reading Ryan's response, but wondered if it was for the best. Seeing Ryan after all this time had already sent her into a mini tailspin; who knew what would happen if they actually met up?
Sophie's Cell: I understand. I'm here for a while, so just let me know when you're free. You can bring your girlfriend too. I'd love to meet her.
“Why the hell would you say that?!" Sophie murmured to herself, immediately after sending the message. Was she that eager to see Ryan again, even if it meant being in an awkward situation? Honestly, she had no idea what she was doing or thinking for that matter, which again maybe proved the point that them meeting up wasn’t the best idea.
Ryan's Cell: How did you know I was dating someone?
Sophie's Cell: Jordan mentioned you would be bringing a plus one to the wedding.
That made sense, but wasn’t the first thing that Ryan assumed. Immediately, she had wondered if maybe Sophie had been asking about her.
Ryan's Cell: I'll have to check her schedule.
She absolutely was not going to do that. Sophie stared at her phone for a second, she didn’t want to end their conversation, but honestly didn’t know what to say. She just wasn’t ready to sever the connection yet, so she went with the first thing that came to mind.
Sophie's Cell: I remember how much you used to love weddings. Is SYTTD still your favorite show?
Ryan's Cell: Oh, nah, that's old news. I've moved on to bigger and better. Four Weddings is my go-to now! Lol
Sophie's Cell: Ah, okay. Some things have changed, clearly...
Ryan's Cell: Yeah, a lot has...
They both felt the shift in the conversation.
Ryan's Cell: Let me talk to Ang, and I'll let you know about lunch.
Ryan felt the need to insert her into the conversation. Maybe as a reminder to keep herself in check. She wasn’t sure but it felt necessary.
Sophie's Cell: Okay.
The exchange left Sophie with a bittersweet feeling. She knew that seeing Ryan again could potentially unearth feelings that were better left buried, but part of her couldn't help but hope for a chance to see her again before the wedding, even if it was beside the woman that now claimed the spot as the special person in her life. She just wanted to feel that electric connection one more time, not even knowing how starved she was for it until they were near each other again.
***
When Ryan stopped texting Sophie, she quickly dialed Mary's number, her mind racing with questions and uncertainty.
"Well, look who decided to stop avoiding me," Mary answered her phone, a teasing tone in her voice.
"I wasn't avoiding you," Ryan protested, although she knew deep down that she had been.
"Uh-huh," Mary responded, clearly unconvinced by Ryan's denial.
Ryan's silence was palpable, and Mary could sense that something was weighing heavily on her best friend's mind.
"What's up, Ry? Your silence is kind of on surround sound right now," Mary said, attempting to lighten the mood with a chuckle.
Ryan sighed. "I don't know, Mar."
"You don't know, or you don't want to say?" Mary asked, trying to encourage her friend to open up. "You seemed fine until a few days ago…" She left the statement hanging, giving Ryan an opening to share her thoughts.
“I don’t know what’s going on…” she confessed. “It’s been 2 years since Sophie and I have been together. I’m with Angelique and I care about her. I want things to work with us. I’m over Sophie. We had our moment and it didn’t work. So why the hell do I feel like I’ve been dropped back into some kind of time capsule?” She sighed heavily, laying her head back on the sofa that she sat on. "How does just seeing someone completely throw you off like this?" she wondered aloud, feeling a mix of confusion and frustration at the emotions that were bubbling to the surface. "She texted me about lunch today, and I lied because I don’t trust what the hell is happening in my head right now.” Mary remained silent giving her the chance to vent and process before she interjected. “I mean the fact that she invited both Ang and me to lunch says a lot right? Says I'm the only one that's tripping right now?"
"Do you want the answer that's going to make you feel better and let you pretend everything is fine, or do you want the truth?" Mary asked, her voice gentle but firm.
"I don't know," Ryan almost whined, feeling torn between wanting reassurance and facing the reality of her situation, and what it might have said about other things she'd been avoiding in her life. She knew Mary would give her honest advice, but part of her feared what that honesty might reveal more than she was ready to take on right now.
“Do you remember what you told me when you showed up at my house at 2 in the morning, a couple months after you two broke up?”
Ryan had managed to lock that memory away, but the moment Mary mentioned it, it rushed her senses and disrupted her core even more than it already was.
“You said that you really felt like Sophie was the love of your life, and that you never had someone see you the way she did. Someone who took such good care of you in so many ways – not just physically, but mentally too. That you two were so in tune that it was almost scary sometimes, the most exhilarating feeling you’d ever felt." Mary repeated her words back to her. “I haven’t heard you talk about anyone else that way, Ryan - not before her and not after her. Not even Angelique.”
Mary’s words forced the memory to replay in her mind and it felt like she was back in that exact spot, aching and yearning to undo the moment they decided to end their relationship.
While on the phone with Mary, Ryan got a text from Angelique.
Angelique's Cell: Hey Babe! I need some things to liven up my place. Maybe you can add some plants or something?
Angelique would be moving into her new place in a few days, and she had been trying to get Ryan to add her personal touches to the new apartment. She hoped that by making the place feel like home, it would be a no-brainer for Ryan to move in once her lease was up.
"Ang is really putting in the effort," Ryan mumbled to herself, choosing to avoid the reality of Mary’s words. She needed to remind herself that she was in a relationship with someone who truly cared for her. All the while, her thoughts were preoccupied with someone who probably hadn't thought about her until just a few days ago. "I need to get a grip," she told herself, determined to focus on the present. "Hey, what was the name of that rooftop garden you used for your wedding arrangements? I want to get some plants for Angelique's place."
"Gotham Gardens," Mary responded. "Soooo, I guess we’re going with the avoid option. Got it,” Mary said, in true best friend fashion. “Are you thinking about moving in with her?"
"Not right now, no, but I need to be making a better effort to meet her halfway, instead of focusing on Sophie."
"Do you think maybe both of you know this relationship has run its course? Maybe this thing with Sophie isn’t just about her, but about you realizing you had such a healthy relationship, and no matter how hard you try, that's not what it will ever be with Ang? Maybe she's pushing for you to move in because she knows that too, and she thinks keeping you so close will keep you from leaving?" Mary didn't want to add to Ryans mental anguish, but she wouldn't be a good friend if she wasn't honest.
Her words were met with a heavy silence, that seemed to be the only response that was consistent from Ryan at the moment.
"I'm not trying to add to your worry. I just think it's something to think about, Ry. I just want you to be happy, and I want you to be honest with yourself about if you actually are right now." Her truth was hard to hear, but her words were always sincere.
"I know, and I love you too," Ryan responded softly. She knew everything Mary was saying was out of love, and just wanting the best for her, even if she didn’t want to hear it right now.”I gotta go, Mar.”
"Okay," Mary responded before they said their goodbyes and hung up, leaving Ryan contemplating their conversation.