The aftermath
BOOM!
Hmm?
“Do you think he’s dead?”
“He certainly looks like it.”
What? Wh-
“Wake up, Wonder Boy!”
“Ron, don’t shake him like that! You’re going to give him a concussion.”
“If he’s not already concussed…”
What are they talking about? Wh- Is someone tapping my shoulder? Stop! It’s really unpleasant. Just… Stop! STOP!
“Ah! Sleeping Beast is alive!”
“Open your mouth Harry, I’m going to give you a Hangover Potion.”
Hmm, sleeping… I want to sleep.
“Hey, why are you giving him the potion for free?! You blackmailed me into doing three extra night rounds for the next week and only for a few drops! Not fair!”
“I cannot blackmail you into fulfilling your actual duty, Ronald.”
Too loud!
“That’s it, Harry. Swallow and I promise you’ll feel like a human being again.”
The drowsy boy did exactly as he was told, a cold liquid running down his throat. He had his eyes shut, his head shielded by his arms and his back laying on a somewhat particularly hard surface. Slowly, as he began to regain awareness, Harry realised how much his body was throbbing in pain. His mouth felt so furred and an aching pulsation kept butchering his temples. Fucking alcohol!
The potion dulled the pain but didn’t erase it entirely, letting it bloom in the background. Groaning, Harry forced his eyes open, a sudden bright light blinding him. Immediately, he turned on his side, curling on himself on the ground. Oh, he was on the ground! Well, that explained the back pain. Where the hell was he? And how in Merlin’s name did he arrive there?
A gentle hand brushed softly his forehead, where strands of sticky hair had piled up. Humming, he let his tensed limbs carefully relax. His face scrunched up in a disgusted expression when he smelled himself. God, he needed a shower. And coffee. The hand tilted his head, putting the smiling face of Hermione in his line of view. She looked unfairly good for someone who had spent the last evening drinking and dancing till oblivion. Pff, cruel universe!
“How do you feel?” She asked him, crouching at his level. He guessed more than saw his other best friend doing the same at his other side.
“Okay… I think.” Harry managed to rasp, his own voice sounding far too foreign to his ears. His head was still pounding but, at least, he had no nausea. He even had successfully confronted the brightness of the day, his eyelids fluttering frantically as he took in his surroundings.
They were in the Room of Requirements. Well, that was what it looked like anyway. He was on the ground in the room of requirements, completely sweaty and sore, with no idea whatsoever of how he had gotten here. How amazing…
Concentrate, Harry!
Right, the after party! New Year’s Eve, dancing, a glass filled with an odd-looking liquid, Ron shouting, Draco laughing, Hermione teasing him and… and Theo. What did he do with Theo? Harry felt like he was missing something, only brief and vague flashes of yesterday invading his mind. Merlin, he had to have been so wasted to black out like that!
“We’re going to the Great Hall for breakfast. You should return to the dorms to wash up a little and change your clothes, then join us later, okay?”
Hermione’s voice echoed in the background, his brain still focused on piecing together what had happened the previous night. Groaning, he gave her the remnant of a nod, only sign he had paid any attention to her words. Washing up sounded like a fantastic idea right about now. Maybe it would help him with his blurry memory. He heard the thud of footsteps gradually moving away, leaving him alone in utter silence, mind polluted by unanswered questions. Sighing, Harry fell on his back, his dirty mop of hair hitting the floor. He let his eyes wander on the ceiling, having no real motivation to get up and actually move any of his stiff muscles.
Drinking with moderation, that was what they said, no? Well, perhaps he should listen to free advice for once in his goddamn life and start actively avoiding situations that could end with him regretting all his life-choices and wishing to be dead instead.
I’m such a walking disaster…
The Great Hall had regained his natural habitat, filled with sleepy students and delicious food. At the Gryffondor table, you could spot two green dots, contrasting sharply with the sea of red. Years ago, it would have been an anomaly, an infamy for some, but now, it only displayed a familiarity and trust painfully earned. It wasn’t just Theo and Draco, there were actually a lot more interactions between houses. It brought a smile to the red and gold duo each time they entered the room, this morning not being the exception.
“Hiya guys!” Ron barked as he and Hermione were approaching two dreadful-looking figures. They stayed unresponsive at his call, hunched over the table next to each other. The redhead repeated his salutation a bit too loudly for comfort, while he sat down joyfully.
“Shut up!” Draco snapped back, groaning and rubbing his temples. He was suffering through a horrendous headache and he clearly didn’t need Ron’s usual buoyancy this early in the morning. “You’re too chipper for a day like this.”
“Ooh someone didn’t get his Hangover Cure! Why? Did you forget about it, Blondie?”
“I swear to Merlin I-”
“Here.” As the tired blond was undoubtedly going to spit his poison to the moron’s face, Hermione, who had settled next to the menace, presented him a medium-sized vial containing a translucent liquid. At the gesture, Draco’s words seemed to teetered, his mouth hanging wide open in silence. He stared at her hand, flabbergasted.
“What?” Hermione grumbled, frowning at his sudden stillness. Sparks of embarrassment and exasperation flashed in her brown eyes. “It’s not poisonous and it won’t explode if you touch it! Or maybe you don't want it…”
Draco finally woke up, frantically shaking his head. “No, no, no! I’m just… surprised. Thank you, Hermione, I’ll definitely return the favour.”
“Pff, it’s just a damn potion.” She muttered under her breath, cheeks flaming red. At her side, Ron was chuckling while devouring copious amounts of buttered eggs (a prowess only he could achieve). The witch scoffed and turned her attention elsewhere. “And you, Theo? Need one?”
The small boy, utterly quiet since their arrival, only shook his head negatively in response. He was folded on himself, making his frame appear even frailer than normally, like he wished to disappear entirely. His plate was still full, for he was only scraping its edge with a fork and not really eating anything. Even if addressed, Theo’s face stayed hidden behind ebony curls, carefully concealing pale skin and dark circles. Luckily for him, his muted attitude and poor posture could be attributed to the massive hangover that was currently decimating the older students’ ranks.
So, Hermione, imputing his silence to a possible migraine, as the quiet boy would usually get when he didn’t sleep enough throughout the week, simply hummed and began eating.
However, Ron frowned in concern at the miserable sight in front of him. “Headache?” He asked, lowering his voice. Upon receiving confirmation from his friend, the frown grew bigger. “Sorry, T, I guess I’m a bit responsible for it. I shouldn’t have kept refilling your glass.”
That much was unfortunately true. During the previous night, among all the madness, our dear Ronald Weasly had decided to take on the barman’s mantle. And he had been rather good at it, if the dazed smiles and loose limbs were anything to go by. Perhaps, he should consider a new career… Yet, besides the joy of getting people adequately drunk, Ron had a special mission last night. Indeed, with as much forethought he could muster (a weirdly good amount), he had mastered a plan, assuredly unflawed from his point of view of course, of which the purpose was to finally get rid of all that sexual tension and pining. Not his own, he was quite capable of getting laid, thank you very much. Unlike others… So, he thought that mixing alcohol, a Harry on edge and a very visibly interested Theo would do the trick. It should have, seeing as his best friend had always been a horny drunk and his special juice had appeared to have a pretty liberating effect on the other one.
But, apparently, alcohol wasn’t the answer to all problems (definitely not, just for alcoholics). Unluckily for Ron’s sanity, his wish hadn’t come true, or they wouldn’t have found Harry crumpled on the bare floor, looking like an expired yoghurt. And believe him, it wasn’t a pleasant view. At all.
In the end, he had gotten Theo wasted for nothing. Amazing… Now, he felt bad!
“Where’s your other half?” Draco’s question cut short the redhead’s interior monologue, redirecting his attention to the present situation.
“Probably crawling somewhere, dragging his sorry ass on the ground and fleeing any kind of human interaction. Stupid Harry!” Ron grumbled, still pissed that his plan hadn’t worked. Wasn’t the raven head supposed to be the brave one?
At the mention of that specific name, Theo suddenly jolted from his lethargy, bumping into Draco’s elbow at the same time. The latter looked at him oddly, trying to figure out where this unusual behaviour was coming from. Sure, his friend had always been the quiet and solitary type, but he would ordinarily chip in in conversations, or let his actions translate into words. However, this morning, since his awakening, he had been perfectly soundless, barely moving and desperately avoiding eye contact. Was it a normal bad day or something else, Draco internally wondered.
“You alright, Theo?” He decided to ask in hushed tones, not wanting to attract the others’ attention. It surely wouldn’t help…
The smaller boy, huddled at his side, stiffened. He stayed immobilised for a moment, face still facing his plate, like he was deciding what to do. Then, thanks to some miraculous god out there, Theo slowly lifted his chin towards Draco. His mouth opened, letters already ready to come out, but was abruptly interrupted by Ron’s loud exclamation.
“Ah! Here comes the grumpy gobelin!”
Immediately, Theo snapped his mouth shut and resumed to his previous shrivelled position. The blond’s concern grew even deeper.
“Finally decided to reconnect with civilization?” Ron teased the newcomer, grinning mockingly, teeth mudded by tomato sauce.
“Shut up, Ron!” Harry retorted tartly, dropping carelessly on the bench, next to Hermione who was immersed in a newspaper.
He looked a lot better than when his friends had found him earlier, tidy uniform and clean face on. The last remnant of his disastrous state were the purple circles under his green eyes, so wide they couldn’t be hidden by his glasses. Well, showers could only do so much.
The redhead pouted, crossing his arms. “Pff, nobody in this little group deserves my graciousness. Well -he cocked his head to the side, faking reflection- maybe Theo, since he’s the only one who didn’t assault me the second he saw me.”
A pair of rolling eyes welcomed his outrage.
“Graciousness, my ass…” mumbled Harry, as he buried his nose into his cup of coffee.
“Apparently, we didn't assault you enough.” Draco drawled sarcastically, without even looking at him, still focused on deciphering Theo.
Ron’s offended cries were shortly interrupted by Hermione’s exasperated sighs. She glared at the boy above her newspaper, the perfect picture of annoyance. “Please, no fighting until the end of breakfast.”
Ron scowled but said nothing else, while Harry badly attempted to conceal a triumphant grin. When Hermione was on your side, it was immediately over for the other opponent. Another sigh from the witch, who was truly considering taking meditation classes, while she glanced at her two other sane friends in hope to find some well-needed solace in mutual exhaustion. What she did find, however, was the contrary. In fact, the two Slytherins weren’t even paying attention to the habitual playful bantering. To be more precise, Draco was staring at Theo who was staring at his plate. And now, Hermione was staring at Draco staring at Theo staring at the poor plate. Yes, a lot of staring…
Something was definitely wrong and it wasn’t the hangover anymore.
“Theo? Are you really sure you’re fine? You’ve been awfully silent since we arrived.” She interrogated him lightly, nevertheless worry shining through her tight timbre.
Now that the girl was really looking at him, she was noticing more and more troubling details. For example, the white clutch on the fork, the trembling arm, the rigid shoulders or the no eye contact attitude. She exchanged an apprehensive look with Draco.
What in Merlin’s name was going on?
The worry seemed to spread because the Gryffindor boys had stopped bickering and were now leaning forward, eyebrows raised. At this point, they were all looking pretty intently at poor Theo, who seemed to curl even more under their heavy gaze. A little more and he would probably disappear under the table.
Harry, ever so compassionate, whispered to him softly, his deep voice taking gentle inflections. “Hey, talk to me.” He leant his arm forward, across the table, his palm open and inviting. “Do you need to go to the Infirmary? Take a breather? Something else?”
At the brunet’s voice, Theo jumped once again, this time his head shooting up straight in the air faster than you could say Quidditch. Blue eyes met green ones. Fear confronted worry and confusion. They stayed locked in each other for what seemed to be an endless battle of emotions. Then, as abruptly as Theo had raised his chin up, the silent boy averted his gaze, letting Harry only catch a glimpse of a clenched jaw and splatters of disappointment.
“I-”
Theo tried, really tried to articulate something, anything. But nothing came up.
“What is it? Are you hurt? Did someone do something to you last night?”
That was the last straw. Stiff shoulders went limp, shaky fingers lost their purpose. There was only silence. Mourning, thick and unforgiving. In the background, the clatter of cutlery against plates, the enthusiastic chatter of students, the rustling of owls’ wings, everything was drowned out, except for that loud silence.
“I need to go!” Theo helplessly shrieked, almost choking on his own sentence, voice strangled and high-pitch. He brusquely got up, dropping his fork haphazardly, still refusing to cross anyone's gaze.
Quick reflexes enabled Harry to reach out over the table, his fingers attempting to clutch a distressed sleeve. Yet, they clenched on emptiness, for Theo instantly moved backward, bumping into the bench, looking like a deer caught in headlights. He scrambled on his feet and hastily stepped over the obstacle, running towards the exit so quickly he could have broken a record.
Four pairs of eyes followed the bolting figure, wide in astonishment.
“What the hell was that?” Harry murmured in bewilderment, formulating out loud what they were all thinking. His hand was still foolishly hanging above the table, stuck in confusion. The frowning boy peered at his friends to see the exact sentiment replicated on their own faces.
“I- I don’t know.” Hermione hesitated, blinking repeatedly like it would somehow allow her to understand the sudden escape.
“Should we go after him?” Ron mused, eyebrows furrowed. He was wondering if this was part of the hangover or something more. Guilt slipped into him, as he bit his cheeks. “Draco?”
Opposite to him, the blond man was still speechless, an anxious hand rubbing his forehead in quiet contemplation. In his mind, he restarted the scene all over again, focusing exclusively on Theo’s physical reactions. A scowl slowly materialised.
“He flinched.” Draco whispered, sounding strained. He finally looked at the others, who seemed to hold back their breaths, hanging on his sentence, and repeated louder. “When Harry went to touch his wrist, he fucking flinched!”
Ron and Hermione shared a grimace and a distraught expression. As for Harry, the words didn’t appear to have registered because he was still completely focused on the exit door of the Great Hall. That quickly changed, seeing as Draco snatched his arm, angling him forcefully towards him, and snarled, grey eyes blazing a storm.
“What did you bloody do, Potter?”
Harry visibly gulped, a lump in his throat obstructing any sounds. He had never seen Draco this angry before, even with their extended past. His mouth was freezed in a glacial rictus, making him look like a wild animal. He swore you could discern a black cloud forming around the irate Slytherin. Fuck! As much as he wanted to run, Harry took his time to swallow his saliva and calm down his pounding heart. What did he bloody do? The confused wizard racked his brain to find something, anything that would help him understand what had just happened. The smallest idea would have been useful at this point, but nothing. He came up entirely and utterly empty.
Eyes wide, he stammered.“I- I don’t know! I swear to God, I don’t know why he reacted like that!” Staring desperately at his friends, who seemed as helpless as him, he almost begged, pleading for aid. “Fuck, what’s going on?”
A giant hole expanded in his stomach. Bitterness filled his mouth. He was the cause of Theo fleeing. That much was as clear as air. Hell, he had looked at him, at Harry, his bloody friend, like he was scared of him! Terrified of Harry, of his hand reaching out to grab him, of his touch. The Gryffindor felt disgusted with himself, shutting off his eyes, pressing the eyelids harshly against his eyeballs, wishing he could erase everything. Everything he had ever done, said or thought. A shaky breath escaped him, fists squeezing the edge of the table.
“Harry, breathe.” The soothing voice of Hermione ringed in his ear, imploring and comforting.
No, he couldn’t. He couldn’t breathe when he had caused this, caused Theo to be afraid of him. He didn’t deserve it. Shit, he felt nauseous.
“And Draco, would you please let go of your knife? We don’t need a bloody massacre this early in the morning.”
There was a low and threatening grumble, as the ting of a blade resonated somewhere near. Draco was undoubtedly murdering him with his eyes, for perfectly good reasons.
“She’s right, guys.” Ron’s grounding voice said at his side. “We don’t know why Theo just scampered hysterically out of the Great Hall or if it even has anything to do with Harry.”
It didn’t matter why. The fact was that he had scampered. And evidently that was because of Harry. Fuck, he was going to throw up!
“Of course, it has something to do with Harry!” Draco’s hostile and venomous voice hissed. “He fucking flinched at his touch! He never did that with him before, hasn’t done that at all in a long time.”
Hasn’t done? What?
“Was it… Was it something he did a lot?”
Draco sighed, sadness flooding the atmosphere. “Yes.” Another sigh, more regretful this time. “It is not my story to tell, Hermione, but physical touch has always been a difficult thing for him. Let me just say, I was surprised he allowed all of you to touch him so quickly.”
“Shit…”
“So what did you do?”
Harry snapped his eyes back open, crashing with the sight of a tired and dejected Draco Malfoy. There wasn’t any anger left. Only sorrow. I did that too, the boy thought, his broad shoulders hunching together. What did he do? He wished he had something to give him, just to erase the pained expression painting the Slytherin’s face. But he didn’t. Harry felt empty.
“I don’t remember… I- I have only blurry flashes of the night, I-... Merlin, I don’t remember!”
Frustration took over, burning his inside, leaving his throat dry and raw. He wanted to remember, wished for nothing else, yearned for it. Fuck, in this instant, there was only Theo and that forgotten memory that mattered. He needed to remember!
“Alright, calm down.” Soft hands covered his whitened fists. “Harry, look at me : what is the last thing you do remember?”
That was a great question. A logical one. Why didn’t he think about it, instead of wallowing in his own misery? Action, Harry, that’s what counts! The brunet’s eyes lost themselves in the scenery, as he attempted to trace back his previous night. “Ron… I remember Ron dancing half naked on the table in the middle of the room to some kind of weird rocky song.”
Despite the heaviness of the situation, the redhead couldn’t muffle his chuckle. “Not my finest hour, I’ll admit.”
“Then, I think… I think I felt lightheaded, so I went to see you, Hermione. You were discussing with somebody else, laughing and smiling, and you gave me a glass of water.”
Hermione smiled encouragingly. “Yes, I did. You were quite unsteady on your feet. And after that?”
“I went to search for Theo. That I’m sure of it. I wanted to know where he was, so I asked Draco if he had seen him anywhere.”
Draco acquiesced through gritted teeth. “To which I answered that Theo had gone outside, on the balcony, because he felt oppressed with the crowd, the loud music and the booze. Last time I saw you, you were heading towards the balcony yourself, where he was.”
“So, what the hell happened on that balcony?”
Ron’s question hung solemnly in the air, lingering around them insidiously. What had happened on that balcony, indeed… a true mystery…
Draco emitted a discouraged noise, clicking his tongue as he rubbed his temples. “I know you certainly didn’t mean to cause any troubles, Harry.” He told the latter, with a sad smile. “We are well-aware of your feelings for him.” Ron stifled a snort, while the smile turned sinister. “But I swear on Salazar’s blood that if you did hurt him in any form, I’ll eviscerate you without any remorse. And trust me, I know many ways to inflict pain on someone without using magic.”
Harry’s face went pale.
“Now, If you’ll excuse me, I have a friend to track down and reassure.” Without adding anything more, the menacing boy raised gracefully from the bench and headed towards the door, his step confident and measured.
Ron whistled. “Damn, he can be scary sometimes.” He murmured, impressed. He glanced at Hermione with a cheeky grin. “Bet you liked that, didn’t you?”
“Quiet. I’m not in the mood for playing.” She deadpanned, dismissing his teasing with a wave of the hand. There wasn’t time for joking, not when they had a crushed best friend on the verge of implosion. “Harry?”
The defeated boy shook his head, wild strands flying everywhere. “I- I have to know. I have to do something. To understand.” Harry urged, determination sharpening his gaze.
He wasn’t going to let go of Theo without knowing why beforehand. He couldn’t. He couldn’t let go of these shy smiles, shining blue eyes and sarcastic remarks. He needed to know. Then… he didn’t want to think about the then. Not now at least.
“Of course, you do. But, perhaps give him time? If he fled like that, it means he’s maybe not in the right headspace for a serious talk now. Let him come to you.”
“What if he doesn’t?”
That was a reasonable fear, something he never thought he would one day feel so intensely. Harry couldn't imagine his life without Theo in it, even if he was just a friend. There was so much to lose. Since he arrived at Hogwarts, love had always meant winning for the young man. It had been his mother’s love that had protected him against the darkness, his friend’s love that had helped him survive each year, the Weasley’s love that had shown him what a real family could be, his family. But now, Harry wasn’t sure anymore. Now, he understood why certain people longed to suppress this too big of an emotion, this unbounded sentiment that could destroy your life in one single moment. Now, he knew how love meant pain.
“He’ll come around. Eventually.” Ron assured his best friend quietly, eyes sympathetic. “You know Theo as well as we do : he values friendship too much to let something get in between without trying to fix it first.”
“He probably needs time to process whatever happened, to sort his thoughts. And I know it must be scary and stressful for you, not knowing why, yet you wouldn’t want to force him to do something he isn't ready to do, would you?”
“No.” Harry immediately answered, without even thinking about it. Hermione smiled softly at the categorical tone. Still, a tumult of questions haunted his mind, magnified by anxiety. “Do you think I blew it? Not only my friendship, but any potential relationship? What if he never wants to talk to me again? What if-”
“Hold on, mate! We’re not there yet. Don’t overthink it, you’re going to turn yourself mad.”
“But what do I do? I need to do something! I can’t just stay still and silent, while Theo drifts further and further away from me!”
Hermione hummed in reflection. “You’ll have to wait.”
“Maybe try initiating a conversation, without pressuring him?” Ron proposed, shrugging.
Great… If he ever wants to see my stupid face again…
It had been three whole days since the after party and Theo was still evading him. Let’s clear the air, he wasn’t being a coward or anything. Well, maybe a little. But mostly, he just wanted to avoid facing the truth (textbook definition of cowardice…). He wanted to pretend that everything had been a dream, some made-up fantasy of his sick mind. Wanted to go back in time and erase that moment.
Yet he couldn’t. Why? Because every single time he would even see, feel or think about the other wizard, he was instantly taken back to that night, that balcony, those hands… Fuck! It was a fucking nightmare! How could he ever face Harry now? It was crystal clear that it didn’t mean anything to the Gryffindor, or he wouldn’t have asked so casually if he was alright or whether anything had happened, right?
“Theo, you know I always greatly appreciate your company, yes? But I would like to still be alive tomorrow, if that’s possible.”
The mocking sentence snapped the stressed out boy right back into the present, his cluttered mind coming face to face with an extraordinarily grave expression. Right… people still existed. And they especially didn’t like much to be ignored by their alleged friend. Arthur was now staring at him forcefully, like he was supposed to say something important. Had he missed something?
“Huh?”
That didn’t seem to be the right answer, as the exuberant boy rolled his eyes a little bit too hard. He scrunched up his nose, mimicking disgust perfectly. They were sitting side by side in Transfiguration class, far enough from the front to not be caught whispering by the terrifying Mcgonagall. Theo swore she would have made the best investigator with that face! He sure as hell would have told her everything… Arthur drummed his fingers on their shared desk, his impatience showing. He clearly didn’t enjoy being ignored.
“Harry Potter, the one and only, is glaring very very sharp daggers at my back and I’m almost certain he’s plotting my murder at this exact instant. Would you care to tell me why? Because I would quite enjoy knowing the reason for my own death.”
At these whisper-shouted words, Theo turned bright red. He almost immediately swivelled to see if Arthur was telling the truth. Almost. The last brain cell he had somewhat saved from extinction forbade him from doing so. It wasn’t proper. Not proper at all. And properly fucking embarrassing! Theo emitted a faint whine, burying his hot cheeks in his hands.
“Rhha fuck.” He lamented himself, while Arthur observed him, eyes glimmering with interest. Now, that was more exciting than his future death!
“Of course, tremendously understandable.” The blond nodded, patting emphatically the brunet’s head. The burning on his back intensified. “Bonus point for the remarkably developed explanation.”
Theo grumbled something incomprehensible, shaking his ebony curls in a dejected yet adorable way. “S’rry, just… ignore him. Please?” That sounded pitiful, truly.
Of course. How could Arthur have not thought about that? It wasn’t like he was going to need an ointment for his poor back very soon.
“Hmm, just like you’re currently doing, right?” The vivacious boy couldn’t help but tease. Theo was truly making it too easy, and his beautiful skin was at least worth his friend’s misery.
The small and tormented wizard jerked up, glaring at him with the nastiest eyes he had ever seen. The kitten had claws!
“Yes.” Theo growled through gritted teeth.
His word was final and pronounced with so much conviction, Arthur almost let him swim in his own despair. Almost being the key word (a real tendency among those people). His need to poke at his friend’s gloomy state conjugated with his want to know everything about what the hell was going on won.
“No but seriously, Theo, why? Why on earth are we ignoring him?” Arthur asked sweetly, but with an earnest undertone. He leant forward, eyes wide in anticipation and conspiration.
His classmate shot a panicked glance to their surroundings. “We’re not- I-... I don’t know.” He sputtered, the situation on his face not improving.
“You don’t know why we’re ignoring the menacing fella?” Arthur crossed his arms, unimpressed. His eyebrow was meeting his hairline now.
“No.”
“Excuse me, but I’m not entirely convinced by your argument here. Either you’ve done something embarrassing or he did, and now you’re playing cat-and-mouse.” Something seemed to click in the blond boy’s mind, as his eyes narrowed suddenly. “Wait, is it some kind of sexual foreplay? Am I intruding?”
Theo instantly choked on his own breath, losing it in a coughing fit.
“WHAT? No! No, no, no. There is no weird sexual thing whatsoever between us. Never will be!” He swore hastily, wide eyes crazily checking if someone had heard their conversation. Relieved it wasn’t the case, the anxious boy punched his friend in the arm in retaliation.
“That’s a rather extreme response.” Arthur smirked, rubbing his forearm. “So, who fucked who?”
“ARTHUR!”
That seemed to attract the attention of their near neighbours. Even the Professor stopped in the middle of her sentence, furrowing her brows at the unexpected interruption. Shit, maybe he had been a tiny bit too loud. But who could blame him! Theo smiled sheepishly and mumbled a meagre apology. He crossed Draco’s questioning eyes and shook his head. Soon after, the lesson resumed, as he deflated in his seat. It really wasn’t his day. His week, honestly!
“You didn’t answer my question and I unfortunately wasn’t part of the event.” Arthur murmured in his ear. He didn’t have to look up to know for certain that there was a shit-eating grin splitting his stupid face in two.
“Why do I even hang out with you?” Theo complained, mostly to himself. Arthur seemed to have a knack for getting him in the most uncomfortable situations ever.
“Because I’m the sunshine itself, darling. If the sunshine were gay and marvellous, of course. Plus, you’re kind of ignoring Dark and Handsome over there, so you need someone to shield you from his royal broodiness.”
The brunet snorted, cynical. “Hmm. I guess you’re right.” He quickly glanced behind his shoulder, discreetly of course, and indeed there was a certain man looking at them with a certain scowling face.
“I’m always right, Theo, I thought you already knew that. Which brings me back to my initial question: what sort of horny disaster do we have on our hands today?”
Theo groaned out loud for sweet mercy, squirming in his seat. Arthur wasn’t going to leave him alone until he answered his question sincerely. He knew it was mostly coming from a place of love and friendship, and he deeply appreciated that. But was Theo really going to say it? The truth? A comforting hand squeezed his shoulder, making him look up at his fair friend again, who was examining his face without any sparks of teasing anymore. Instead, seriousness and concern stretched Arthur’s facial expression.
Theo sighed in defeat. It was time.
“We more or less… kissed?” That sounded a bit unsure, as if the young man himself was lost regarding the reality of his own actions. The memories of that night felt real but their content was definitely surreal.
Arthur frowned, confused yet not surprised. “More or less? Also, when? How was it? Do you want to do it again?”
Theo giggled quietly at his friend’s eagerness, which reassured him a little. Arthur was a good choice to confide in. Despite his playfulness, he would never make him feel bad or awkward about anything. Even at the most random moment, in the middle of a Transfiguration class, it felt like the right thing to do, like it was supposed to happen just like that.
“You’re such a gossip.” The smaller wizard commented, his mouth twisting. He scribbled some words on his parchment, more for decorum than commitment to his education. He needed to occupy himself with something, lest he turned insane.
“You love it, don’t deny it, Pretty boy.” Arthur scoffed, green eyes glinting with amusement. “Now, stop changing the subject and answer.”
Theo blinked, put his quill down, took a deep breath and then opened his mouth.“I guess it was more touching than kissing. At the after party for New Year’s Eve.”
“Oooh interesting!”
“And yes, it was…” A pondering pause drawed out. “It was amazing, actually.”
“Atta boy!”
“But I don’t think he’d want to do it again.”
“Oh.”
Arthur was now fully frowning, bafflement palpable in his silence. He motioned for Theo to further his explanation, who obliged directly because once he had opened the vault, he couldn’t contain the flood of words that couldn’t wait to be freed and heard.
“Yeah, the morning after he just acted like nothing happened, so I don’t know what to think of it. Do I forget and pretend everything is fine, or do I confront him? And now I can’t be in the same room with him without thinking about that!”
“Hmm. It’s a difficult situation, seeing as you’re pretty close and have the same friend group too.
Theo nodded vehemently, pulling anxiously on his sleeve. “Exactly! It’s not like I can tell one of them about it, I’m sure the rest we’ll know before the end of day. And I don’t even want to imagine the conversation…”
Arthur hummed in agreement. They stayed silent for a few minutes, the clear voice of Professor McGonagall filling the blank. It seemed like half of their class was following the lesson, the other either lost in sleepiness or dull conversation. Uneventful seemed to be the right semantic description for this day. Theo had the frustrating urge to check what Harry was doing. Was he still looking at them? At him? What was he thinking? Was he mad that Theo had spent the last days avoiding him? Did he even care? Did he notice? Did he miss him?
“Are you angry at him?” Arthur’s voice interrupted his inner turmoil.
Was he? Angry?
“No, I’m not. Why should I be? I mean, it was clearly a drunken error, a lapse in judgement. I shouldn’t be angry about something that doesn’t hold any value.” He finally answered, gaze firmly planted on his parchment.
He was tired.
“Are you really sure it was drunken foolishness?” Doubt escaped the blond’s mouth, like he couldn’t believe the truth. Like he was questioning Theo’s capacity to comprehend a situation.
“Yes, yes I am. Why would he act that way otherwise?”
Only silence answered him. That’s what he thought. Theo’s eyes retraced the inked words on the paper, spread carelessly on the table. He bit his lips, hesitating. He had enough time to reflect on his feelings. Perhaps it would do him good to say them out loud.
“I think I’m disappointed instead. Disappointed in myself. For expecting something, anything really. I mean who am I kidding, why would anyone kiss me if not for the alcohol? And I know I have some feelings towards him, but someone as good and kind as Harry returning my affection? What a joke! I’m disappointed I didn’t realise it sooner: he deserves a far better person than me, not the bloody mess that I am. And I’m glad he knows it.”
There. He said it.
Warm fingers covered his own.
“Theo…” The calling of his name, so quiet yet so deafening, made him look up. Green eyes burned a hole in his soul. “ You deserve someone good and kind too.”
Did he? The preoccupation displayed on Arthur’s face seemed to think so. Theo felt his stomach churning.
“Maybe, but I’ll only end up destroying them. Just like my father. And I can’t let that happen. No one should have to suffer like that.”
The frown deepened, creasing lines on the golden skin. “You shouldn’t have to either.”
Theo smiled sadly. “You’re a great friend, Arthur. I’m truly happy I met you.”
A sigh. “And you’re a good person, Theo. A lot more than you’re willing to see or admit.”
Only a humourless laugh came in return. It sounded so wrong. Arthur wanted to shake his friend, to open his eyes, make him finally see how much he was loved and cared for. How he was deserving of everything good that existed. How he was worth something far greater than self-depreciation. How reciprocated his feelings were. But he couldn’t. Not like that. Theo would never believe it, unless he discovered it himself. Arthur could only be there for him, listen and perhaps steer him towards the better path.
“You do know that you’ll have to talk to him at some point.” He nonetheless insisted. “I mean, you do share a dorm, bathrooms and classes. You won’t be able to escape him forever.”
“I’m aware.” Theo grimaced. The lesson must have ended because everyone around them was packing up their things, the volume of the chattering a lot more alive than before. The Slytherin stood up too, cleaning out their desk.
Arthur was still sitting down, staring at him intensely. “And are you aware of what you’re going to say when the crash will inevitably occur?”
Theo halted in his movements. He turned his chin towards his friend and mouthed a “I’m sorry?” with a shrug. To anyone else, he would have appeared calm, in control if confronted with the presumed eventuality. Yet not to his blond classmate, who could see right through him and his false countenance. Theo was scared and unsure. Vulnerable.
“He’ll want to know why.”
“Then I’ll tell him.” The brunet said with a bit more decisiveness. He finished putting his things in his bag, the sole sign of his nervousness being the shaky fingers. “I just want a bit of peace and quiet. A moment of respite before I either shatter my heart or wreck my friendship.”
Arthur picked up his own bag, wincing.“You could always lie.” He proposed, even though he knew Theo would never.
“I could.
False words could have never sounded so believable than in that instant. And as they exited the classroom together, Arthur could still feel the burning on his back.
The day after that truthful conversation was spent pacing, muttering and wrestling with himself. On one hand, Theo knew full well that it couldn’t go on like that. He had to speak with Harry, but also with his other friends, whom he had cruelly avoided in the process of isolating himself. That wasn’t fair to anyone and rather selfish. Plus, he missed them.
Still, at the same time, dread was tearing his interiors apart. Theo could already picture it, the beautiful face confused at first, then more and more closed-off, set in an impassive neutral expression. Oh, Harry wouldn’t show his disgust out right, no he would gently reject Theo with those kind eyes, telling him it was only a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing and that he didn’t see him that way. He would be all gentleness and warmth, as always, but that would be it. That would be the end. And Theo never really liked endings.
He wished he could go back in time and change everything. He was a bloody wizard, for Merlin’s sake!
While he was ruminating on his impending doom, his feet had led him to the dorm. It was dinner time, but he didn’t feel like eating right now, the gut-wrenching sensation already filling enough space in his empty stomach. Besides, the dorm would be deserted, so he could hide away easily before the others’ return. Theo let out a sigh as he entered the room, undoing his tie with one hand and rubbing his temple with the other.
What was his life right now?
“Theo.”
A fucking joke apparently.
The boy, whose name had been called quite firmly, stumbled in his steps, his whole body stiffening. He couldn’t flee anymore. Agonisingly slowly, Theo pivoted in the direction of the bathroom door, breathing erratically and fists clenching. There he was, the source of all his current problems, standing in all his glory in the doorway, half-naked with only a towel around his waist and chest dripping with glistening drops of water. Of course he was half-naked. Why was he half-naked? Was this part of Theo’s daily hallucinations? Because damn, his brain could be detail-oriented! Not that he was complaining. Absolutely not. Was he completely envisioning the scars or had he seen them before?
“Theo?”
Right. So… The Slytherin looked up from the glistening chest (a captivating subject) to face emeraude eyes, pinning him in his place. Oh. Oh! No hallucination! (So, the scars were real)
“Harry!” Theo practically yelled, gaping at him. “I- You-” The boy scrambled on his feet, backtracking towards his bed. “I should go.” He finally managed to articulate, refusing to look in the other’s direction. Instead, he almost completely turned around and offered nothing but his back, silently praying for someone to make him disappear. No, that couldn’t be happening, not like that!
“Okay…” It sounded strained, a bit disappointed even. Why would Harry be disappointed?
Theo stayed silent for a moment, still focused on the seam line of his bedcover. Something moved behind him, probably Harry, and despite wanting to look, the boy stood still. He took a deep breath and calculated the odds. Should he leave? Stay? Maybe they should talk, maybe there wasn’t going to be an opportunity like this one, as odd as it was, in the future. And Harry had been the one calling him, so that would logically imply a certain openness to conversation, right?
Fuck it!
“Or… maybe… maybe we should… talk?” He whispered, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth. It sounded too hesitant, too weak.
“Yes, I would like that. Please?” Harry’s voice replied, a lot closer than before. There was an underlying sense of relief in his answer. Like he had been desperately waiting for this moment to happen. Or maybe Theo was just projecting.
The smaller boy turned around. Harry was only a few steps away from him, leaning against a bed frame. Ron’s bed, he believed. The Gryffindor was fully clothed now, a red sweatshirt and grey sweatpants on, damped dark hair sticking wildly around his handsome face. A face that was currently inspecting him carefully, with so much concern it made Theo’s heart clench absurdly.
“Hum…”
What should he say? How should he begin? Shit, why was this so awkward and difficult? In front of him, Harry frowned, actual worry beginning to slip into his green eyes. He sat on the bed, crossing his arms. Theo didn’t know what was louder : his frantic heartbeat or the heavy silence?
The raven-haired had seemingly enough of it, because he opened his mouth and began his interrogation. “What is going on, Theo? I feel like I made a mistake, but I don’t know what it is. You’ve been avoiding me like the plague since the morning after the New Year’s party, fleeing every time you see me or refusing to even look at me! How did I mess up this badly and forget about it?”
Theo’s eyelids fluttered with anxiousness. He shakily reached the opposite bed, dropping on it, his knees too feeble to support him. Oh Merlin’s beard! Was that what Harry thought? That he was the culprit, the one to blame? Theo, you didn’t give him a chance, didn’t explain to him, so of course that’s what is going to assume, you moron! He childishly peered at the taller boy through his fingers, wishing nothing more than to be elsewhere. Theo felt so small on the bed, so exposed under the fierce scrutiny of his gaze. But behind all his resolve, Harry seemed to be as helpless as him, lost and scared. That reassured him, in a sense, because that meant that he cared enough.
“Nobody else knows anything and I’m just… confused, frustrated. And sad.” Harry resumed when nothing answered his plea. Desperation laced his words, fingers tugging nervously at strands of unruly hair. “I don’t want you to hide from me. Fuck, you’re my friend, Theo! I just want to know what happened and how to fix it. Please!”
“I-We…” The smaller boy stuttered, his frail frame shrinking as he struggled. Crap, why is it so hard? Theo suddenly looked right into Harry’s eyes, his own shining with barely contained tears of frustration. “I’m sorry.” He finally declared, clenching his fists on his lap once again.
That wasn’t what Harry had expected to hear, for the surprised boy raised a questioning eyebrow. “For what ?” He asked, his voice low and hesitant.
“Avoiding you.” Harry winced, because acknowledging it didn’t make it hurt less. As for Theo, he didn’t look away, as he was letting the truth come to air. He would be brave too. “That wasn’t very nice nor very mature of me to do so.” He could recognise that, take responsibility. “How much of the party do you actually remember?”
Harry sighed, fatigue taking over his broad shoulders. That question… He cleared his throat and tried to find the right words.
“Most of the beginning, I believe. Draco told me I went to a balcony at some point, but I honestly have no memory after that. I think I had too many glasses of that weird blue juice Ron got from Charlie. It messed with my head so much, I swear I’ll never drink it again.”
But still nothing after he went on that damn balcony! Four days later and Harry had given up on recovering any more lost memories, unfortunately.
Taken with an abrupt realisation, Theo jolted forward, almost falling off the bed. He gaped at the taller boy, cheeks red and mouth frozen.
“Oh!”
“What?” Theo turned even redder. Harry immediately got up, apprehension fueling his limbs. “Wait, did something actually happen on that balcony? Did I hurt you in any way? Fuck, I’m so sorry Theo! I should have never drunk that much! I-I… Shit!”
He was now rambling, pacing around the room, self-loathing eagerly pouring out of his treacherous lips, whereas Theo was still sat, following the back and forth dumbly, incapable of formulating anything else other than : “You don’t remember.” Numb with disbelief, he repeated the sentence multiple times, the murmur soon becoming an incantation. When it was audible enough to be intelligible, Harry halted in his tracks, whirled around and gawked at Theo, who had that odd smile on his face.
“I don’t ?”
“You genuinely don’t remember.”
“What should I remember?”
Complete silence.
“Bloody hell, I’m such a moron!” The curly-haired boy cried out, in between hysterical gasps.
Was he sobbing or laughing? Theo himself didn’t even know. What an absolute idiot he was! Dumber than a stick of wood! Harry didn’t remember. Of course he didn’t, why would he, when he had been so utterly smashed he had vomited on his shoes? Little uncontrolled and high-pitch sounds still escaped him, shaking his frame crazily. He stuck a hand on his mouth, but that made him appear even more madder. Meanwhile, Harry had come closer, taking in the scene in front of him. What the hell? He had never seen Theo in such a distressed state and it wasn’t positively reassuring. Quite scary actually. He raised one hand, laying it carefully on the other’s shoulder.
“A moron?” Harry repeated, unsure of the connection between the bloody balcony and his friend insulting himself.
Theo stared into his eyes, looking a little maniacal. “Yes, yes I am. A fucking dumbass! I’m so sorry Harry!”
The taller boy would never confess it, even under the most horrible torture ever, but he took a small step back at the Slytherin’s expression. He was grinning so widely, Harry was afraid it would permanently deform his pretty face. So, yeah, a tad frightening in a I’m-going-to-murder-you-and-then-eat-an-icecream-with-your-corpse kind of way. Still hot though.
“Sorry for what exactly?” He asked, returning to Ron’s bed. “I’m a bit lost right now, I’ll confess.”
Not a bit. Entirely lost. He swore to Merlin he was going to obliterate that fucking balcony. Opposite to him, Theo shook his head, scratching his jaw nervously. There, he looked a lot more like himself.
“For avoiding you…”
“But you already apologised?” Harry interrupted, frowning.
“... and not talking to you directly. I shouldn’t have been a coward and let my anxiety take over. I didn’t even know you had no recollection of the night. If I had known, I would have…” Theo trailed off, biting his lips.
Gorgeous lips. Not the point, Harry.
“Would have what, exactly?”
The pale boy averted his gaze.
“Theo, what were you afraid of?”
A distinct shudder travelled along Theo’s body as the deep voice got lower, almost growling, hard and strained. “Were you afraid of me?”
The only answer he got was an awkward cough. Harry’s eyes almost bulged out of their sockets, as he stared at the lifeless form right in front of him, incapable of vocalising anything except inarticulate disbelief. What the actual fuck?
Theo squirmed on his bed, unease flooding in every portion of his body. Shit, did he make it worse? Opening his mouth, gaze still on the ground, he tried to find the suitable words to save whatever was left of their friendship.
“Not you per se. I-I was afraid of… of your reaction I guess? Of what you’d say in the morning? I think I didn’t want to know what you thought about what happened. I preferred to pretend it wasn’t real, instead of facing the truth. But… but all that was for nothing, since you don’t even remember. And here I thought you were just ignoring it.”
As the rambling went on, Harry’s eyes became wider than humanly possible, knuckles whitening and jaw clenching. Meanwhile, Theo was writing his hands, turning redder by the second, words just spilling incoherently out of his mouth. Once he was eventually finished with his tirade, the poor boy finally dared to cross his friend’s gaze, embarrassment splattered on his face.
“Theo, what the fuck happened on that fucking balcony?”
The question made him wince. The volume too.
“Tell me. Now.”
Fair enough. That was it. Come on Theodore, it’s just two words. Say it.
“We-we kissed.”
Theo closed his eyelids, too afraid to see the reaction. He said it. No taking back now. He fucking said it. Why did he say it? Shit, shit, shit!
“WE WHAT?”
Ouch. Did he have to yell ? When he reopened his eyes, Theo immediately noticed that Harry had gone three shades whiter. Which was an odd and alarming sight compared to his usually sun-kissed skin. The wizard looked like a very nasty ghost had passed through him and took his sweet time doing it. His eyes were glazed over, as if his brain had suddenly lost any remaining connection to reality. That didn’t seem good. Worry taking over, the frail boy instantly started to over-explain, fingers fidgeting frantically.
“Well, technically, I don’t know if I can qualify that as a kiss, seeing as we didn’t… you know, had an actual full-on lips contact. It was more the throat than the mouth, so I don’t know if that counts? Do you think it does? Because you’re evidently a bit more expert in that sort of… situation. I mean you clearly knew what you were doing with your hands… and your lips… and your teeth… and your legs. Not that I’m complaining! Not at all! It was very pleasant, I can assure you. Very, very pleasant.”
Theo abruptly shut up when he saw Harry grip the bed’s edge, torso staggering.
“Harry? Are you… okay?”
“Fine. Great. Splendid. Amazing, even!”
“Right.”
The white face had slowly turned pink in a matter of sentences. The taller brunet was currently gritting his teeth, back rigid. Not a sound, nor a breath escaped him. Was he angry? Theo couldn’t help but put his arms around his middle in some sort of protection. Still, a part of him grew concerned for Harry as the oppressive silence prolonged.
“You really don’t look so fine.” He observed helplessly. “Do you want some water?”
Do you want me to leave? He thought but didn’t voice. Are you disgusted? Do you hate me so much you’re now incapable of even looking at me, talking to me?
“No, I’m not fine, Theo! And I don’t want some bloody water either!”
Theo hastily nodded, biting his cheeks. He felt the stinging tears beginning to gather in the corner of his eyes. He needed to go, run out of this room and hide somewhere untraceable until he could see past the water again. What had he been thinking, honestly? He would have moved in an instant if he wasn’t so sure he would fall over straight away.
Harry’s incredulous exclamation halted his escape plan. “We had a fucking makeout session and I don’t even remember it?!”
That… didn’t sound like he was pissed off? Upset, maybe, but not angry. Theo quickly glanced at his friend, confused. He was still sitting, but this time he had his face planted in his hands, elbows on his knees. The position indicated more mortification or distress, rather than outrage and hostility. Okay, Theo could work with that.
“Well, that’s quite alright.” He hurriedly reassured the still folded Gryffindor. “It was obviously a drunken mistake, we were both hammered that night, not something to worry about or even ponder on.”
“Wai-” Harry straightened up, frowning.
“I apologise for not clearing the air earlier and I promise I’ll never avoid you like that again. Not that I expect you to kiss me again, of course. Absolutely not. I’ll just make sure to talk when something is bothering me and not flee like I did. Again, very sorry for that, you must have felt awful!”
“Theo, I-” Harry tried to interject, stunned.
“I should go now! I’m very glad we had this conversation, Harry. S-sorry and goodnight!”
Then, as fastly as the words had poured out of his anxious mouth, Theo got up and ran away towards the exit door, like he was being chased by Inferis. Harry stared dumbly at said door, his own mouth hanging wide open, bewildered. Right…
So, he had kissed Theo. They kissed. His lips touched his skin apparently? (did he miss the other’s lips because he was too drunk?). And he didn’t remember.
Well, fuck his life!
How could he not remember something as memorable as that? He was such a disaster. He fucking deserved that four days of ignorance. Merlin, they kissed! Right, but Theo regretted it. He had been afraid of telling him. He thought that it was a mistake. He had once again fled his company. Harry fell down on his back, limbs all spread out on Ron’s bed. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply. Sometimes he really wished that he had another deadly challenge to overcome, instead of having to battle with his own stupid feelings. How was he going to face Theo now, huh?
“Fuck…”