Realisation
The winter holidays had quickly come for the impatient Hogwarts students, leaving the castle almost empty, without counting the ghosts. Eager teenagers and relieved professors had gone back home, ready for the two weeks of merry festivities. Ron, his two best friends and his sister were of course expected at the Weasley’s house or would undoubtedly be subjected to Molly’s murderous wrath. Christmas was a serious business there…
As for the two Slytherins, Draco had joined his mother for a quiet holiday in their country house, somewhere hidden in the British shires, away from the noise and slanders. For the brunet, Christmas meant the traditional stay at the Zabini Mansion. It was a custom they had agreed on in their second year, after Blaise had learnt Theo had spent his previous holiday all alone in a desolate manor. In truth, his father had never celebrated Christmas, except for the annual Pureblood balls, where Theo was forced to wear a stuffy suit and stand still in a room full of horrible people. The anxiety it usually gave him…. However, thanks to Blaise’s insistence and his mother’s sumptuous charm, he had somehow been allowed to spend the two-weeks period at the Zabini’s, under the agreed condition he would attend the balls and make his best impression on the elitist society. Since then, the young child had finally been able to experience the festivities with a sense of normalcy and the distinct impression of a real family.
Now, standing in the cosy and lavish living-room, only reserved for the members of the family, Theo felt at home. A sentiment he had always longed for during his childhood. Somewhere he could abandon the pretences or the stone-faced mask. Sinking in one of the cushy green sofas, he exhaled, an easy smile blossoming on his face. He could hear some racket upstairs, of which the perpetrator was definitely Blaise, rummaging through his closet for something sparkly to put on.
Their reunion had been full of tears and crushed bones, because this imbecile had the incredible idea to apparate right on him. A funny surprise, he had said, after crying of laughter seeing Theo’s gobsmacked expression. Well, it hadn’t been so funny when the poor boy couldn’t even get up, his left leg throbbing in pain. Idiot. Other than that (un)funny surprise, it had been a whirlwind of hugs, laughs and stories. The only thing missing was a certain Giulia Zabini and their perfect holidays could finally begin!
“Hey, look at what I found!” Blaise’s voice grabbed Theo’s attention, as the refined boy entered the room.
Beaming, he was holding a sparkling lavender jacket that complemented his dark skin exquisitely. The story behind that wide smile, was why he had it in the first place : a proper fuck-you to his old-fashioned absent father (the one that had strangely survived his mother, well for twelve years only…), who thought boys shouldn’t wear “girlish” colors. Oh his face when he had seen it… Grandiose!
“Does it still suit you?” Theo asked, chuckling at his friend’s smug expression.
“Of course.” Blaise scoffed and immediately put it on, modelling his outfit across the room with an oversensual walk. They bursted out laughing, only to be interrupted by the sound of the front door opening.
The slamming of heels and rustle of clothes, followed by quiet words of welcoming (the Zabini employed domestics and not house-elves), warned them of who had arrived, before they even heard the voice.
“My boys! Where are my boys?” A suave voice called out, resonating across the huge house, thanks to the force of its alacrity. Both boys grinned knowingly at each other, Theo rising from his seat in anticipation.
“In the petit salon, Mother!” Blaise shouted, counting with his fingers the seconds before the door would burst open.
“You really are taken with French, aren’t you?” Theo commented, arranging his curly hair and wrinkled shirt. Blaise winked in response and opened his mouth, probably to retort with some dry remark, but the door brusquely opened, cutting him off.
“Oh my darlings! Come here!” A beautiful woman, with dark lustrous hair, charcoal eyes and olive skin, ordered them, rushing in their direction. She pulled them in a tight embrace, her familiar flowery scent engulfing Theo’s nose. Comfort and love submerged him as he relaxed in the tender touch.
Giulia Zabini wasn’t an ordinary woman. She was a perfect example of sheer intelligence, talent and charm (quality she had clearly passed on to her son). Known for her famous status of widow and the strange circumstances in which her deceased husbands disappeared. An incredible witch, but above all an extraordinary mother, who loved her son dearly, as well as her adoptive one. Since he had first known her, Theo had never lacked affection and gifts anymore. One look at that adorable rosy face and Giulia had decided to make him part of their little family, without a care for the gossip or even his father’s approval. An awful man he was!
“I miss you both so much!” Mrs Zabini complained, eventually letting go of the two suffocating boys. Motioning for them to sit down, the smiling witch ruffled through their hair and affectionately pinched their cheeks.
“Stop with the smothering, mamma!” Blaise protested, swatting the hand away and trying to rearrange his very stylish hairstyle. He pouted, plopping down on the couch, Theo following his movement.
“Never, Tesoro.” She tutted him, smoothing her elegant scarlet dress, as she gracefully sat. “Let me take a good look at you two.” The witch inspected her son’s appearance carefully. “Dio santo! You’re getting so tall, Biagio! You clearly didn’t take that from me.” She smiled, as Blaise grumbled something under his breath that made Theo snort. Shaking her gleaming hair, Giulia turned her gaze to the chuckling boy, assessing him with the same attentiveness.
“And you, my Angioletto, so beautiful as always! But you certainly look a bit pale. Are you eating and sleeping enough?”
“I try my best, Zietta.” Theo replied, the affectionate surname bringing a grin to his face. She had always said he looked like an angel, with his dark curls and sapphire eyes. An angel to be painted. It was a done deal, since there was a portrait of him in the study, right next to Blaise’s.
“I know, Angioletto.” She waved her wand and his clothes became suddenly ironed and fresh, like he had just put them on.
“Mamma, stop bothering Teodoro and tell us about your trip.” Blaise demanded, as he started serving tea, like the polite and polished boy he was (well, mainly in his mother’s presence).
“How was Russia?” Theo asked curiously. He nodded a thank-you to his friend, cautiously taking the porcelain cup he was handed. He had always wanted to visit that country, see the heavy snow and majestic cathedrals.
Giulia sighed, a displeased expression on her delicate face. ”A bit boring, if I’m honest. Great views, not so much for the company.”
Blaise smirked, a wicked glint lightening his eyes. ”So, no new dad in the near future?”
It was a habitual joke between them, each time his mother would come back from one of her fancy trips across the world. He would always prefer if she brought back presents, rather than new fatherly figures, but you never knew. Indeed, his mother had the disconcerting tendency to fall really quickly in and out of love. As Blaise grew up, it became more of a spectacle than an inconvenience, betting with Theo on how long the new toy would last.
”Not for Christmas, my darlings. This time of the year is dedicated to us three only.” Giulia asserted, taking a few sips. Her face brightened up, as she remembered something. “Oh, I brought you back some delightful presents, you’re gonna love them!”
”I’m sure we will, Zietta.”
Blaise frowned, setting down his cup on the tea table, made in glass and silver. ”That reminds me, Theo, we have some Christmas shopping to do.”
Oh, that. It’s not that Theo hated it, more so it seriously got on his nerves, the longer it kept going. Merlin, the cheerful and noisy people, the rush, the little kids running around… Just imagining it gave him a headache. Sighing, he nodded, resigning himself to his terrible fate. Their group of friends had agreed to give each other presents at the start of the new term. Now, Theo had to unfortunately for his sanity uphold his decision and find a gift for each one of them. Luckily, Blaise had always had great taste!
Giulia waved at them. ”Go, my darlings, I need to settle down and rest for a bit. We’ll see each other at dinner.”
Blaise’s eyes widened in hunger (on that, he enormously reminded Theo of someone). ”Can we go to the little Italian restaurant across the street? It’s been ages since I had some good arrosticini.” He practically begged his mother, his mouth already salivating at the delicious flavour.
Giulia muffled a laugh, a gloved hand against her mouth. ”I can’t see why not. Teodoro?” She turned to the smaller boy, an eyebrow raised in the perfect arch.
Not cruel (and because the other’s glare promised him horrific torture if he refused), Theo agreed rapidly. ”I could do with a plate of Spaghetti alla carbonara.”
”Basic.” Blaise murmured, sneering.
”Sorry we’re not all aristocrats here.” Theo came back, with an ironic curtsy.
”I forgive you, peasant.”
”Now, now ! Biagio, it’s not a way to talk to a prince.” Mrs Zabini remarked, herself smirking behind her palm.
”Ugh, I forgot.” The dark-skinned boy scoffed, crossing his arms. Theo was in fact coming from a royal Nordic bloodline. Not that it had any relevance now, but it always helped in debates like these.
Theo smirked diabolically, smugness transpiring through his tone. ”Now, who’s the peasant, huh?”
”At least, I’m taller.”
Theo and Blaise looked at each other, silent and grave, before completely exploding in laughter, their body trembling, aching in hilarity. Theo tried to say something, in between hiccups, but could only breathe out shakily, redoubling their laughs.
Fondly amused by their silliness, the witch smiled, happiness blooming in her chest. It finally felt like Christmas holidays. ”Ah, I dearly miss your little bantering. So entertaining.”
”Me too.” Theo managed to articulate, holding his stomach, as Blaise tried some breathing exercise.
”It’s decided then. Tonight, we’ll eat in memory of the motherland.”
After a long afternoon of Theo whining next to an overjoyed Blaise because of the horror that was Christmas shopping, and the comfort brought by delicious Italian food, nighttime had eventually come. The fateful time of insomnia, spiralling thoughts and self-hatred. However, Theo wasn’t going to be subdued by his mind tonight, not when his best friend and secret weapon was residing in the room next to his own.
Opening the door between their two rooms, the young man winced at the sound of the loud creaking. They should really oil that door… He sneaked in on tiptoes, not wanting to wake up his friend if he was somehow sleeping (doubt it, knowing him). Blaise’s bedroom, even immersed in darkness, was glowing with his characteristic extravaganza. Theo knew all its corners, secrets and furniture, having spent hours on end there, hiding or dreaming about a better life. It was the only bedroom across all the Zabini’s properties that seemed lived-in, that seemed like Blaise.
Theo felt the coolness of the parquet under his bare feet. Shivering, he slipped into the huge bed, covered by a thick knitted blanket. He could distinguish his friend’s lengthy form, laying on the left side.
“Hey” He murmured out loud, deducing by the rhythm of the other’s breathing that he wasn’t sleeping.
Blaise turned over, his face barely visible but smiling softly nonetheless. “Hey”
They stayed like that for an extended period of time. It was nice to be able to enjoy each other’s presence again, without any words or deadlines. It was an habit easily recovered, as they had spent the past seven years sleeping in the same bed almost every night.
The taller boy, face angled towards the ceiling, broke the silence. “Do you remember when you used to slide into my bed murmuring hushed apologies, almost afraid ? Even though you’d promised each morning not to do so again?”
Theo giggled at those memories. A sweet innocent assumption, in the first few years of living together. “Yeah. I felt bad for bothering you. I thought it annoyed you.” He said, tightening the blanket around him.
“It never had and never will.” Blaise asserted, frowning in the darkness. “You can always come to me at night, when you need to. I want you to know that, Theo.”
The small boy let out a shuddering breath. Love overwhelmed him. Merlin, how could he function properly without this idiotic wizard? Opting for honesty tonight, he asked. “Do you know why I would do that?” No answers came, so he resumed, his voice trembling a little. “Because it was the only way I could actually sleep.”
“Oh Theo.” Blaise was looking at him now, only a few centimetres between them. Even if the room was void of light, he could still discern his expression. A mix of concern and affection, sprinkled with sadness.
“I remember, in our first year, when I woke up one night screaming and you were there. Without any words, you took me in your arms and cradled me, while I was crying, endlessly calling for my mother. You never even asked me what nightmares I had. And the next night, when I was so afraid to go to bed, you looked me right in the eyes, with so much fierceness, I wondered how someone so tiny could be so resolute. Then, you said to me with absolute conviction: don’t worry, sleep and I’ll chase the nightmares away .“
Theo smiled, warmth invading his chest. What a memory it was. One that had changed the course of his life.
“I remember.” Blaise snorted, seemingly amused at something. “I even tried to enchant your pillow to protect you. Well, of course it failed because I didn’t know what I was doing, but the intention was there.”
“You saved me, Blaise. You were so confident and caring that it made me trust you. Finally trust someone else than myself. Since then, the nightmares only came when you weren’t around. You were like a sort of talisman.”
It was true. It was the real reason Theo kept returning to his friend’s bed every night at Hogwarts. To experience some sort of peace. A shred of tranquillity and rest, after so many sleepless nights.
“I love you, you know that.”
“I love you too, Biagio.”
The older boy suddenly grabbed him with his long arms, embracing him in a tight and suffocating hug, just like his mother. Bloody sentimental family! Another thing Theo had to get used to, effortless and straightforward physical contact. After a life empty of any sort of affection and tender touch, where he had to fight for a word of encouragement, the shadow of a smile (he had never actually seen his father fully smile before), you could understand his perplexity and suspicion. How could someone show his love so freely?
Blaise brought him back to reality (like he generally tended to do). “The first time I saw you, I knew you’d be my little brother in everything but blood. It was your eyes. There was so much darkness in them, but also a flicker of life, a fleeting flame that was waiting to be ignited. When you looked at me, all I felt was a rushing need to protect and love you.”
Theo felt the rawness of his emotions constrict his throat. Why was it always in the dark that sincere and poignant confessions resurfaced? It was like the obscurity operated as some sort of protection and sanctuary at the same time.
“I’m glad I met you. I don’t know what I’d be otherwise.” Probably the tool his father tried to groom him to be.
“You changed me too, you know.” Blaise successfully flicked his nose, releasing him. “You’re a part of this family. I swear Mother loves you more than she loves me.” He grumbled, only joking.
“That’s because I’m cuter.” Theo replied slyly, reverting smoothly to their familiar bantering.
“Damn right you are.”
They exchanged chuckles and gentle poking, like two childish kids. Blaise stopped, rolling away to avoid any other relentless attack. Curious, he asked out-of-breath. “How is it? At Poudlard, I mean.”
“Different.”
“Good different or bad different?”
“The jury is still out.” Theo vaguely provided, a shy smile on his face. Just the sole thought of Harry crossing his mind, made his cheeks redden. Lucky Blaise couldn't see it, or he wouldn't have heard the end of it!
“From what you told me, it seems everything is going swimmingly. You finally made some new friends, you’re getting good grades and there is no one threatening your life. I dare say it’s a rather pleasant improvement from the past years.”
Wow, what an accurate and sad assessment of his life. “I guess so.”
Blaise sighed loudly, his weariness reverberating on his bedroom’s walls. “But you’re not sleeping alright, huh.” He stated more than enquired. “Because I’m not here.”
“It’s alright.” It wasn’t, not when he only got a good night of sleep once every two weeks. Yet, he wouldn’t admit it to his best friend. Not because of some misplaced pride (it was long gone by now), but because Theo wouldn’t put that burden on Blaise’s shoulders. He didn’t deserve that, not after everything.
“No, it’s not.” The taller boy countered, his voice firm and heavy. “I should have come back with you.”
That made Theo straighten up on the bed, his eyes wide with astonishment. He didn’t have his wand, so he resorted to another way. The wizard simply waved his hand in a distinctive gesture and a bright light appeared. Wandless magic could be really useful, he ought to develop it. Now, Theo could clearly see his friend's serious face, who had also raised his torso. He was backed up against the headboard, arms crossed and lips closed in a tight line. The picture of severity.
“No. You did what was best for yourself and I can never fault you for that.” Theo denied vehemently.
“Still, it’s my duty, as your best friend, to be there. To help, protect and make sure everything is alright for you.”
From the fierceness blazing in his eyes, Theo knew he truly believed that and nothing would convince him otherwise. Sighing, he rubbed his eyes, wishing he could find the right words. Fuck, it was hard! How could convey his point without hurting Blaise in the process?
“You can't protect me forever. At some point, I’ll be alone and in that case, I need to learn how to fend for myself. We all wind up alone in the end.” He softly uttered, averting his gaze from the beautiful and unwavering face locked on him.
“You’re changing.” Blaise commented, after a beat of silence.
“Good changing or bad changing?”
“We’ll see.”
Maybe he did carry his point across after all. Blaise could be really obstinate when he wanted to, just like someone he knew very well. Merlin, could he spend just one day without thinking about him? Apparently not, fucking traitorous brain! The distance didn’t seem to ease his attraction, only magnify it. All afternoon, Theo had pondered if Harry would have liked this or that… Why couldn't it stop? And some masochist part of himself appeared to enjoy it, relent in it. Like the simple thought of Harry was his ultimate salvation.
Really, was it normal?
Blaise nudged him, motioning for the boy to return under the covers. Theo realised the ambient air was so cold, he had gotten goosebumps on his arms. Well, he wasn’t wearing very suitable pyjamas, considering the temperature. He diligently did as he was told, sneezing sharply. Once shielded, the brunet focused his attention on his magic, a pulsing feeling swarming its way into his fingers. It was like switching on and off a light bulb, as he ended the spell, the room finally recovering its obscurity.
“What will become of us?” He later wondered out loud, laying on his back, eyelids closed.
“That’s a hard question.”
“I mean, what are we going to do?” Theo tried to explain, chewing on his words. It was a legitimate question that bothered him for a long time, lingering in his mind.
Blaise emitted a weird interrogative sound. “What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. Do you?”
The taller boy stretched his limbs, uncovering them. He sighed, considering the question seriously. “I’m fine with travelling for now. You could join me”
“Maybe.” Theo paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. “It’s just… I feel stuck. Like everyone else is moving around me, running after their purpose, and I can only watch them, petrified by a void, a sort of numbness. I don’t have any goals in my life. I spent the last years trying to survive, to outlive my father and escape his grip. I never actually considered anything outside of him. But now that all of this is in the past, where does it leave me?”
“Anywhere you want. You have the means and the freedom to figure out what this want is made of. So, go for it. Try, leave your comfort zone and discover yourself.”
Quite the motivational talk, wasn’t it ? Smiling despite himself, Theo further enquired. “Is that what you’re attempting to do?”
“More or less. I wouldn’t recommend you the panoply of crimes I left behind me. Muggles' laws are much stricter than ours…” The brunet didn’t need to see his friend’s face to know that he was undoubtedly smirking.
“Would you say it’s a success nonetheless?”
Blaise shrugged pointlessly. “Depends on the day I guess. It would sure be better if I had someone to share these moments with.”
“Someone like me?”
“No. No offence of course, I would love for you to accompany me on my crazy adventures. But I was referring to a special someone. Someone that loves you unconditionally and deeply yearns for you, understands the every ramification of your mind and makes you all in all a better person.”
“Hmm.” Was the only response he got from Theo, who was evidently thinking about someone precise, elicited by the on-the-nose words.
“You’re thinking about someone?”
Theo immediately flinched, striking his poor head into the headboard. Ouch! “What ? N-no, I don’t! W-what are you talking about?”
Blaise barked out a laugh, overtly entertained by the boy’s bashful, clumsy attitude. “Bollocks! You’re not fooling me, Theodore Håkan Nott!”
“Shut up and let’s sleep.” The other grumbled, sinking into the mattress. Merlin, it was inevitable! Blaise had oddly refrained himself of taunting him all day, so of course it would be fucking now, at nighttime, when he knew Theo couldn’t escape him.
“Well, I’m not the one who came into another’s bedroom and prevented that person from going to sleep.”
“Be quiet.”
But naturally Blaise ignored him and carried on wickedly. “And then, has the audacity of lying on one particular subject, as if we all didn’t know the truth. Truth that is…”
“I swear to the Old Gods, jeg kommer til å rive tarmene dine fra hverandre, if you don’t close your bloody mouth now!” Theo exploded, almost shouting.
“Stop talking in another language and I will.” He retorted, just as snippy.
“Fine! Good night.”
“Night’ Lover Boy.”
Obstinate silence was all he got in response.
Dear Theo,
I’m writing this letter from the Burrow’s freezing garden table. As I know you very well, you would ask me why the fuck I’m outside, when it’s literally five bloody degrees? Well… it’s my only way to privacy, with this bunch of deranged redheads. Ginny keeps pestering me, trying to read this letter like it was the ultimate graal ; Ron of course can stop laughing when I’m complaining, betting with the twins on how long it will take before she succeeds ; and Hermione just doesn't care. I think she has chosen her sanity (not that I blame her).
So yeah, the table garden it is.
How are you? Are your Christmas holidays nice? I don’t really know Blaise nor his mother, but I assume that they are fantastic people, if you decided to spend your two weeks with them. Say hello for me, I want to make a good impression on your adoptive family.
Personally, days are divided between Quidditch, family games, (forced) revisions and amazing meals. What are you doing in your free time? I bet you’ve read at least ten books since we left Hogwarts.
Do you sleep well? I must say I miss our nights staring at the starry ceiling of the Shrieking Shack. And our conversations! By the way, I asked Charlie about the Romanian grimoire you mentioned. He said he’s going to see if any copies are available and he’ll send one if so.
Next Saturday, I’m going to my godfather’s house, 12 Grimmauld Place, because I have some things to take care of there. If maybe you wanted to go (I know it’s not a landmark, but if not for the views, perhaps the company?), then I’d be delighted to show you around.
Now, let’s get to the point of this letter. I know we said no presents during the holidays, as we’ll all exchange our gifts together when we return to Hogwarts, but I couldn't help myself. So, here is one of my presents for you, I truly hope you’ll like it !
Don’t worry, I don’t expect anything in return. I just wanted to give you something on the actual day, to mark our first Christmas together (even though we’re not together together). I’m sorry I’m going to miss your adorable smile, when you open it…
Merry Christmas, pretty boy!
Harry
PS : Fred might have slipped something in the package, so be careful of whatever it is…
Theo let the letter fall into his lap and grabbed the wrapped package. The paper was deep blue, just like his eyes. Sat on the floor in front of their Christmas tree, he carefully unwrapped his present, excitement thundering in chest. Harry was right, a smile had already formed on his face. Once finished, Theo let out a surprised cry at what he saw. How ? He was holding in his hands the book entitled Scandinavian Runes and their Evolution. The book he had noticed when they had gone to Hogsmeade and landed in that incredible bookshop. Bookshop where he had almost fainted because of a fucking smell.
Red rushed to his cheeks, as Theo recalled that mortifying moment. Which reminded him of the scarf and the jersey he had meticulously packed with his other clothes for his stay at the Zabini Mansion. How he had put the sweater on, when he was alone, reading in his room. How the simple scent had lulled his mind, distracted him from his reading to plunge him in a session of daydreaming. How it was so much but not enough, his entire body yearning for more. How his heart was widely beating each time he thought about him . How his fingers had shakily opened that letter, already knowing from who it was.
Happiness submerging him, Theo could barely breathe, as he gently cradled the book and reread the letter. He halted at the nickname Pretty boy . What an idiotic one… Why did he suddenly feel dizzy? Why did the words seem so blurry on the paper? His heart skipped a beat, his respiration stopped. Pretty boy. Pretty… boy…
Oh, fuck.
“Theo? Theo, are you alright?”
The voice sounded so far away, distorted and strange. Everything felt so faint, spinning around him.
“Theo! Please answer me!”
He couldn’t breathe. The air, it wouldn’t pass. His throat, it wouldn’t open. Pretty boy …
“Fuck!”
He was shaking, he noted. His whole body was trembling, curled up on the floor. It was like he could see himself from above, floating over the shuddering form. Pretty boy.
A sudden slap woke him up from his dazed state, harsh against his cold cheek. Hands helped him to straighten up. Blaise. It was Blaise, inspecting him. He seemed… worried. Taking awareness of his own body, Theo realised he was choking.
“I-I c-can’t… I can’t-t b-breathe.” He attempted to articulate, gasping for air. The frantic rush and weight of his emotions abruptly hit him in full force. Terror invaded him, compressing his chest, crushing every bone, pounding in his blood.
“Hey, hey, hey, hey! Look at me, Theo, look at me.”
Gentle and steady hands pulled up his face, dark eyes staring at him anxiously.
“There, now inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale…”
In. Out. In, out. In… out… Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in, Breathe out. Breathe in… Breathe out…
“Good, really good. Just continue on that rhythm.”
The hand left his chin. His sight and hearing came back clearly, giving him full access to his surroundings. Right, he was in the living-room. Blaise was kneeling in front of him. Helping him.
“Can I touch you?” He distinctly heard him ask, gestures and words filled with precaution.
“Not my b-back.” Theo stuttered, his shoulders tensing even more. His throat felt so dry and hoarse.
“Okay, okay. Here, is that alright?” The hands were now on his stiff shoulders, warm palms slowly rubbing the strained muscles. “Can you speak?” Theo managed to give him a brief nod.“Look around, what do you see?”
Ahead. “T-tree.” Left. “C-couch” Right. “Windows” Beside. “Curtains”
“What colour are they?”
Theo squinted, his body finally calming down. “Blue. Dark blue. Like the sky at night. Or the ink you used to write your Potions essay with.” The more details he gave, the more relaxed he became.
Blaise was softly smiling at him now, concern vanished from his face. The crisis had been deflected. “Hmm do you remember why?”
The small boy, still on the floor, shyly smiled too. “Because Snape hated it, but couldn’t do anything as the ink was enchanted to only be blue when he was reading it.”
“That was quite funny to see him lose his mind over a poor piece of paper.” Blaise commented, settling more comfortably on the parquet.
“That was cruel.”
“But funny.”
“But funny.”
They kept quiet for a moment. Theo was pulling himself together, his anxiety kept at a minimum level. He regained full control of his bodily functions, his thoughts more or less in order. Well… that happened.
“Better?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
Blaise shook his head, frowning. “It’s not the first time and probably not the last that I have to help you escape a panic attack.”
He was right, they had given up on counting how many. But Theo couldn’t help the unpleasant sensation of being a burden creeping up on him. He felt guilty. “Even so, thank you for always being there.”
“You’re welcome, my dear. I’m always at your service.” The taller boy made a ridiculous gesture, like he was lowering an imaginary hat. His friend unsuccessfully tried to stifle a giggle. “But more seriously, you mind telling me what it was all about?” His face was grave, a hint of concern still hanging around.
“Hum.” Theo bit his lips, groaning. “It’s just… a bit embarrassing.”
“You know me, I’m very fond of the embarrassing.”
Alright, he was doing this. Just breathe Theo, you can do it . Of fucking course he could do it, it was a simple sentence. Words, syllables, sounds… shit, he was getting distracted. What did he have to say? Right, the panic attack, the letter, the realisation.
“I realised something. Thanks to this letter.” He waved the sheet of paper in his hand, crumpled by his anxiety.
Blaise seemed to find his agitation entertaining. Well, that made one of them. “Oh, do tell me what kind of realisation led to a panic attack, and what’s in that mysterious letter!” He grinned, anticipation shining in his eyes.
“It’s a letter from Harry.” Simple, efficient.
“The Harry?”
Theo stared at him, unimpressed. “Do you know another Harry?”
“Well, there’s this one guy from Birmingham. Decent bloke, with funny jokes too.”
“Blaise!”
The latter simply snorted. “Right, right. So, Harry? What did he write to you? Wait, don’t tell me! It was… an indecent proposition, filled with dirty, dirty words.” He was widely smirking now, waggling his eyebrows.
“Biagio!”
“What? Am I wrong? I’m disappointed now.”
“Do you want to know or not?” Theo snapped, exasperated
“Will it create another panic attack or not?” The question was dripping with seriousness, clashing with the playful mood.
“I… I don’t think so.” The brunet hesitated, running nervous fingers in his mop of curls. “It was just the shock that overwhelmed me. Not knowing what to do with what I became aware of.”
Blaise nodded, his dark orbs reverting to their teasing glint. Seated in front of him, gripping tightly the poor letter stuck in his fist, Theo exhaled deeply. Now was the time for the truth.
“I think I love Harry.” There, he said it. No earthquakes, no Fury snatching him to hell. Well, that was underwhelming…
“Harry?” Blaise echoed nonetheless, lost between interrogation and amazement (Had Theo finally exited his permanent state of denial? was the question ringing in his brain).
“Harry Potter, you knob!”
“You think?”
“I know.”
“You love?”
“I’m in love.”
Blaise grinned like a proud father (weird expression on his face). “Good, now the full sentence please.”
“I’m in love with Harry Potter.” Theo repeated, almost incredulous at his own words.
“Well, that took some time, but FINALLY! Congratulations!”
“Congratulations?”
The dark-skinned boy pouted. “Shut it, I don’t know what is appropriate to say after such a confession. Go easy on me.” He examined his friend’s sullen face, brows furrowing. What was going on? “So, what’s the problem then?”
Theo stared dumbly at him, like he had just uttered an enormity. Something so monstrous it made him gape and stammer. “I-I… What am I even doing, Blaise?”
Ah. The taller boy shrugged, his demeanour demonstrating his nonchalance. “Experiencing human emotions.” He suggested. Yet, internally, he was growing more and more concerned.
“You know damn well I’m not cut out for that kind of… things.” The anxious wizard muttered through gritted teeth. He was going to have another damn panic attack!
“Feelings, Theo, not things. And maybe not the Theodore from our first or even third year, but the one in front of me now, he is. Remember a few nights ago, when I said that you changed? This is one of these changes. A good change.”
The confidence with which Blaise spoke did little to ease his best friend’s mind, as the latter got up and began pacing around the room. “But I can barely manage myself, how do you expect me to add another person to the equation?”
“It’s not about expectations, Theo. It’s about what you’re feeling right now. I know it’s hard, but stop trying to intellectualise your emotions or overthink them. Just feel them. Feel the love inside you, give in and relent in it.”
He halted in his steps, gazing outside the window. Traces of snow could be seen on the top of the cars and the branches of the trees. “I don’t know how.” He murmured.
“There is no manual that’ll explain how to do it. Just find it in your body, track the sensations blossoming when you think about him.”
Blaise lifted himself up too, walking towards the frail frame at the window. What a Christmas day ! He felt like it was his sacred duty to educate his friend in the language of human emotions. Approaching him, he made the mistake of putting his hand on Theo’s back. Even the light and friendly pressure made the boy flinch, scaring him away. Fuck, he forgot with all this existential crisis. Standing a few metres away from him and hands raised in a reassuring manner, he addressed Theo carefully. “Why does it make you so anxious, so frightened and uneasy?”
“Because I’m not supposed to feel that.” The fidgety boy whispered back, his eyes locked on the parquet. There was something akin to shame in his words.
“Who told you that?” Blaise growled, bewilderment and anger bubbling in him. Theo didn’t say anything, but didn’t really have to. His silence was louder than anything, charged with accusation. “Your father.” Blaise asserted, clenching his jaw. Merlin, he wanted to fucking punch that guy!
Slowly reaching the small boy, he vowed to him almost desperately. “You're deserving of love, Theo. Everyone is. Well, maybe not your shitty father…” He grumbled for himself. “Do not bury your emotions and barricade your heart anymore. You said it yourself : I can’t protect you forever, but so do you. You’re allowed to feel, and you can’t spend the rest of your life avoiding it, hidden in your bubble of apathy. You are a bloody human being, you are meant to feel!”
Theo looked up hesitantly, vulnerability darkening his eyes. “What if it ends up hurting me?”
“Sometimes it's inevitable. But the final pain is worth every bit of blissfulness along the way.”
“What if it’s not mutual? I mean, he is a fucking national, if not international hero. Why would he choose to be with me?"
“First of all, it’s not a choice. You don’t decide who you love, it happens. Secondly, perhaps he’s a hero, but so what? You’re one of the best wizards of our generation, he would be lucky to be with you. Thirdly, I don’t think you have to worry about the reciprocity of your feelings, because from what I’ve heard, he’s quite infatuated with you. You’re just too blind to see it. Finally, if he ends up hurting you, I will demolish him, Savior or not. On that you have my promise.”
As he finished his frenzied rant, Blaise pulled his best friend in a firm, long-deserved hug. Theo melted in his arms, the rest of his fears evaporating as the hands tightened their hold. He felt safe, secure from the inevitable reality of his feelings. Merlin, he wished he could stay here forever!
“Okay. Alright. It’s good. Everything is good.” Theo murmured to himself, like a prayer, as Blaise let go of him. He wasn’t necessarily religious, but if somehow some god could save him from his impending demise, why not ?
“Great! Now, let’s go eat that bloody cake, before mamma absolutely annihilates us. Well, me, not you, because she loves you too much.”
Blaise casually left the living-room for the dining one, whistling joyously a familiar Christmas tune. Grimacing, Theo breathed out, closing his eyes for a brief second. He was in love. What he felt around Harry, that burst of energy and affection, the persistent thought of him engraved in his brain, the fluttery stomach and the warmth… Everything made sense now. It was more than attraction, it was love. Not for a friend or a family member. For a lover, a burning desire and a sweet tenderness travelling across his body, his mind and his heart.
How? When? Why? So many questions and no answers. Into what crappy bullshit did he get himself?
He was in love with Harry fucking Potter. Of course, completely normal. Absolutely normal.
Bloody hell! Why did it have to be Harry fucking Potter?