The small human sitting on the closed toilet lid in their small bathroom at 1 in the morning winced and looked at the wooden door in slight panic at the loud thud interrupting his dry shower thoughts...Evening thoughts. Dumb thoughts. For how long had he been sitting here? Freezing and shaking like that, dressed up and ready for the night, ready to face his vulnerability which would be covered up by a blanket or two and surrounded and squeezed by two generous arms- if only his mind would consider to rest. To just stop everything it was doing right now and hell, he didn't even wanna know what exactly it was.
All Steve knew was that as soon as he worried about what he ate earlier his stomach began feeling weird and as soon as he worried about the crowded gocery store he'd been at this morning his throat started itching. "Just wanted to check in on you. Been in there for half an hour now. You fall into the toilet?" Half an hour?! Steve swallowed hard, almost gasping in panic as his throat hurt along with the gesture. Knees pressing together, trying to stop the annoying shaking of his body Steve tried to get up without looking in the mirror, not at all wanting to face his pale self now, looking at the disinfectant, then down, then to the disinfectant, then down, praying he wouldn't get sick, then snapping the bottle open in one movement and letting a generous amount of the gel drop on his hands.
Although the smell made him cringe he soon enough let it soak into his skin and turned the key around, stepping outside the door, catching a glimpse of his boyfriend climbing into their bed again. That sight in particular had always been extremely comforting to Steve because it meant two things.
One, they were gonna cuddle in bed which was the best part of the day, really and two, spending the night together meant showing each other your vulnerable side which then again meant that they trusted each other and still loved each other. Nighttime was perfect... Well, except from nighttime anxiety, nightmares, athma attacks, panic attacks, cold feet and the constant thoughts of something being wrong with his body. All the praying he did to stay healthy although all angels in heaven probably stopped listening to him and cut his connection from heaven after the tenth night in a row of doing just that. "Hurry up already, wanna feel you close." That's exactly what Steve meant earlier - Bucky wouldn't really say that during daytime. Nevertheless, he gladly accepted the invitation, picked up the warm water bottle he filled up before he went missing in the bathroom for half an hour and climbed into bed as ungracefully as always. Still, that was enough for Bucky.
A second after the bottle was placed on his stomach and he was facing the wall, oddly familar hands helped wrap himself up in his private little love cave (well for starters, it was a warm blanket) before the sleepy sighs from behind him came closer and closer and hands crept up on his own, which was holding the warm water bottle softly against where he assumed his stomach to be. It moved up and down, left and right, then there was a kiss on his ear, then another one, as gentle as a fresh breeze. Bucky for his part was familiar with Steve's (obsessive?) habit of always sleeping with either a heating pad or the bottle, so familiar that if Steve didn't act particularly freaked out he kept all the questions to himself, accepting his boyfriend's anxiety. Another kiss, this time on his sensitive neck, wet lips moving sensually and sweetly. "Relax, Steve...Time t'sleep, yeah? Time t'get some rest.
" The man behind him was fast asleep, or fast almost-asleep so Steve felt left alone with his thoughts and feelings, all the sensation that shouldn't be there at such ungodly hours and all the little movements that kept him from sleeping. First his nose itched, then his hip did the same, then his mouth was dry (wasn't that a sign for nausea? Oh God...), then the bottle started to get colder by the second.
His body shifted and turned itself around to where he was greeted by Bucky's warm, heavy breath and beautiful, soft face. A small finger poked into his cheek. "Bucky?" Then a hand shook his strong shoulder back and forth until said man was mumbling something inaudible and forced his tired eyes open only to look directly into those small puppy eyes that belonged to no other than his distressed boyfriend.
"Swee'heart wha-? Wha'd'you need?" Steve's gaze softened as an attempt to apologize although the taller one was probably to sleepy to analyize his face right now so he just scooted closer to his chest, then looked up again, feeling stupid and silly. Like a toddler. Undeserving of someone so kind at 1:30 am. "Can...Can you talk or something? Or-I dunno I-I can't sleep..." "Again? Wha' am I gon' do with you, S'eve..." "I-I'm sorry I woke you up-", he apologized maybe even way to fast to be understood because to Bucky's ears it sounded more like gibberish than an actual language he, too was perfectly fluent in. Then he was pulled close, head to chest, feeling Bucky's unique scent lingering in his nose. "Bullshit, s'not y'er fault." What followed was a deep, sleepy exhale and good God did Steve love those. They sounded way too comforting. "Y'needa relax, Steve...Y'r so tense...Ain't no one gon' fall asleep like that. N'you-..."
Steve's mouth dropped, his eyes fell into a helpless gaze as his boyfriend fell asleep right in front of his eyes and right in the middle of talking. Should he wake him up again? But for what? Why did he...Why was he so weird? Everyone else could sleep peacefully, a nightmare about a clown or whatever here and there, the need to go to the toilet once in a while but other than that nighttime was supposed to be relaxing and not...this. This was unfair. A whole new level of unfairness, to be exact. Pouting slightly, the smaller one shifted a little bit closer to where his nose was touching Bucky's chest already, then gently nudged his neck and collarbones with his head. "Hmmm? Go' Did I fall asleep?" His head performed a little nod as their legs were innerlaced under the stack of blankets and he was pulled into a loving hug once again. Hopefully it'd last longer this time.
"Sorry, Steve. M'sorry...I'm jus'so goddamn tired." Another one of those exhales, practically sounding like a growl, followed by a hand on his low back and another one in his hair. "Y'know when I can't sleep I-I think about stup'd stuff. Like...What am I gon' eat for breakfast? But then I eat some' entirely different t'morrow anyway. Orrrr...When do th'leaves finally turn brown? D'you know what'a mean? D'you know when they turn brown?" Steve listened closely, pressed the side of his head against Bucky's chest, then shook his head carefully. Did his stomach just hurt? Or was that the heat? "No? Me neither, pal. I mean s'only september but s'never too early, eh? D'you like Halloween?" This time Steve nodded, deciding to concentrate on the yes or no questions, on the feeling of Bucky's skin and the hands on his body that made him feel safe in a world which constantly turned it's back on him. A whole universe that did so. But those hands, so gentle yet strong were always right here to hold him. Bucky's head was now lying on top of his own, strands of hair falling down on Steve's pillow. "Hmm I don' really like all the cliché kinda movies bu' the kids dressin' up n' askin' for candy is kinda cute. And...I like the baking you do and the fairylights you insist on buying n'all that...S'cute." Before Steve could get lost in thoughts again, the taller one moved his soft lips to his jaw, kissed it all the way to his chin, although his jawline was rather hidden and not that sharp and sexy at all it was still being appreciated by a certain someone who then went on to kissing Steve's cheeks and ears, occasionally just resting his lips against the smooth skin.
"Don't actively try to fall asleep, just lie here with me n'rest a little, 'kay? If you don't fall asleep that's fine, at least you were in bed for a while...Did I ever tell you about that one time-" And just like that Bucky's voice went from sluggish and sleepy to deep and clear and eventually lulled Steve into a light and dreamless sleep.
Probably.
Because he didn't really remember falling asleep. All Steve remembered was waking up in the middle of the night (or the morning because their clock read 5 am), feeling tired and anxious because Bucky was yet again asleep while he was awake and left alone with his thoughts that carried him to the wildest places but first and foremost to his throat that hurt with everytine Steve tried to swallow all the dryness away. He knew it. He knew that sooner or later he'd get sick. Or was it just his throat being as dry as a desert? No, it had to be a cold...Right? He went grocery shopping with Bucky, went on walks through the city, went outside without a scarf...Steve turned back around to face Bucky, studied his relaxed face, his dark hair, his bare chest and counted out his breaths. 1..2..3..4..5.- "Time s'it?" Wait, this time it didn't hurt to swallow but if he tried again...Yup. The pain was back. Steve's small eyes looked up to meet even smaller, sleepier looking eyes. "5 am." "Goodness...Way t'early t'be 'wake...Y' sleep good?" He nodded, scared to use his voice again, afraid he might make things a lot worse. All he accidentally got out was a noise of surprise when Bucky squeezed him tight and began kissing him wherever his lips could reach, got on top of him, then kissed him again.
"You fuckin' punk. Think I can't tell when y'r lyin'?" Steve was almost about to giggle because of all the trashing around, all the Bucky pressing him down and all the wetness on his neck and face. Almost. Almost before his mind took him other places again, to his cold water bottle, his stomach, last night's dinner- And who would Bucky be not to notice. They ended up curled up against each other, panting from playing like puppies, limbs innerlaced like octopus arms. "D'you remember that one time your ma thought you were insomniac?" Steve opened his mouth in response but it fell shut as Bucky's smile grew wide.
"D'you know that she called me? Like I dunno a year ago? She was so concerned, told me you need somethin' to cuddle t'feel safe and-"
"Buck..."
"-and that you had a plushie she could bring over."
"Stop talking about that, it's embarassing."
Out of nowhere Bucky was back on top of him, at 5:11 am, smiling like a maniac who had one drink too much, lifting Steve's shirt up to expose his belly, making him blush, attempting to cover himself up. For a moment this was all that existed. The smiles, the giggles, his boyfriend's lovely scent, their creaky old bed. Oh, and then there were Bucky's lips, once again on his body, settling down on his stomach when he suddenly began blowing air out through his mouth creating a weird sound that made both of them crack up, Bucky laughing so much the the tears started leaking from his eyes, forgetting about the world for a few minutes. It was just them and those weird sounds and all those stories Bucky had to tell now of all times. "Stop, wait, B-Bucky!" Yeah, sure. No, he didn't. Even though his legs were kicking around in the air and his stomach hurt from laughing but the only thing not hurting was his throat. "You wanna know somethin' even better? Except from all the medication she recommended to me and the massage techniques she taught me?"
Where was this going?
Bucky's face now hovered directly over his face, panting and looking so unbelievably hot and just so perfect. Their eyes met.
Steve tried to catch his breath.
"She told me you get sick a lot. And anxious. And that this is the reason you get sick half the time. You think you might get sick, then you do cause you body's smart, you get that, Rogers? If you get sick I'll be here. Distraction is gonna be here, movies or music or whatever the hell you need. And it'll pass.
Don't stress and don't feel stupid if you get sick. We're human. Alright?"
Steve stared at him in awe, knowing it'd be a long way to go.
But that was alright.