Chapter 7
When Peter was back in his own universe, he couldn’t get up. He lay on the ground of a street somewhere in New York, curled up like an embryo and sobbing. He pressed his mask that was full of blood against his heart.
Peter didn’t care if someone could find him and reveal his identity. He would never care about anything ever again. Harry was dead.
Again, Peter hadn’t been able to save him.
“It’s not fair!”, he screamed into the sky. His voice broke as his body was shaken by another sob. “It’s not fair!”
Why couldn’t he be happy for once? What had he ever done to the world to deserve this endless suffering? Why did he have to lose the person that he loved the most, that he needed the most?
Suddenly, Peter got the strength to get up. The anger gave him a boost of energy. He grabbed the mask and threw it into a trashcan, followed by the rest of his suit. Why continue being Spider-Man if he can’t save those he loved? Why being a superhero if he failed every time he was needed the most?
Peter was sick of it. He was done with everything. Should someone else be a hero. Peter didn’t care anymore.
Without wasting another look at the costume that made him feel powerful and shattered his life into pieces, Peter left the alley.
This wasn’t him anymore. He wouldn’t let another person die.
Peter didn’t know where his feet were going until he reached the gates of the graveyard. Slowly, he walked down the paths that were buried under coloured leaves. Peter started to freeze a bit. He regretted not having a jacket with him. But on the other hand, he welcomed it. He deserved to suffer for not being able to save Harry. He deserved to be punished for his failure.
After a while, Peter discovered the grave he had been looking for. His heart sank to his knees as he read the name ‘Harry Osborn’ on the tombstone. A silly little part of Peter had hoped the grave wasn’t there. It had hoped that somehow, Harry was still alive in this universe due to Norman being alive. But that part has been killed now. And it was better this way.
Peter wouldn’t be so foolish to believe in something like hope or miracles ever again.
Peter knelt before the grave and tried to free it from leaves. The flowers on the grave were wilted and Peter felt a wave of shame overcoming him. He should’ve brought flowers with him. It was the least he could do for Harry. Then he took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry, Harry. I know it isn’t enough and it will never be. When I saw you on that rooftop, I swore to myself that I would protect you at all costs. I swore to myself that I would never let it happen that you die again.” Peter’s body was shaken by sobs, and it took some moments until he was ready to speak again. “You died twice to save my pathetic life and I failed twice to save yours. I miss you so fucking much.” Peter buried his face in his hands and cried.
“Do I disturb you?” It was Norman Osborn’s voice.
Peter shook his head and wiped his eyes. “No, of course not. I’ll leave you alone.”
“You can stay if you want. You also loved him, and you also have the right to grieve.” Norman laid a bunch of flowers on the grave. “I failed as a father, I know that. I wish I would’ve been a better father. I know that Harry probably complained a lot about me, and he was right. And whether you believe me or not, Harry was the only person I loved. I struggled to express it properly. He seriously thought I’d hate him, right?” A tear rolled down his cheek.
Peter had never seen Norman Osborn like that. He looked so much older than usual. His eyes were sunken and expressionless, his face had more wrinkles than before, and his shoulders hung lazily forward. The man standing in front of him was broken.
Peter couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. “Well …”, Peter struggled to find the right words. “I don’t think Harry was fully convinced of it.”
“But that the thought even crossed his mind … You should’ve let me die, Peter.”
“Mr. Osborn, no”, Peter tried to calm him. “Harry never got over your death. He would’ve suffered even more.”
“And now I’m the reason he’s dead!”, Norman shouted, and tears streamed down his face. “I killed my son!”
Peter laid his hand on Norman’s shoulder. “It wasn’t you. It was the goblin.”
“Of course, it was me! I could’ve stopped him, but I was too weak. Why did you prohibit the boy from killing me? I don’t deserve to live.” Norman looked at Peter, but he couldn’t really see him through the tears. “I would give everything to see my son again. To hold him in my arms.”
“Me too”, Peter whispered. “Harry and I both made our mistakes, but I’m convinced we could’ve made it. We wanted to start a family.”
A little smile appeared on Norman’s lips but faded away almost immediately. “I still remember how I lulled Harry to sleep when Emily was already sleeping. I didn’t get over her death and neglected Harry because I tried to drown my feelings in work. And now I lost them both.”
“I wish I could’ve experienced the same with Harry.” Peter’s heart cramped as he thought of Harry, himself and a little child. “We wanted to grow old together.”
When Peter closed the door to his flat, he sank down against it. He screamed out of frustration and buried his face in his hands. Peter had had the chance to bring Harry back to life. He had had the chance to start a new life with him, to start a family with him.
Peter furiously jumped on his feet and took a glass from the table and threw it on the floor. The glass shattered into little pieces, representing the state of Peter’s heart.
A thread of web comfortingly wrapped around his finger as a piece of glass was about to cut it. Peter ripped it off. He had superpowers and for what? He could’ve caught the knife with his webs and Harry would still be alive. All those powers were useless.
Peter was done with Spider-Man, and he was done with his powers. He didn’t want to have them anymore.
So, Peter tried to rip the webs from his wrists. But it didn’t really work. He growled in anger and frustration. Peter just wanted to be normal so he wouldn’t lose another person he cared about, and he wasn’t even allowed to have this.
But he wouldn’t give in to this fate. Peter didn’t want to ever endanger someone again and he’d do anything to hold this promise.
He took a knife and tried to cut the webs from his wrists.
The blood streaming down Peter’s wrist let him drop the knife. What the hell was he doing?
Peter quickly grabbed a kitchen towel and pressed it on the bleeding. The webs were a part of him, and he couldn’t get rid of it, so he had to find a way to live with them.
The towel was already red so he changed it against a fresh one as the doorbell rang. Peter sighed and opened the door.
“MJ?”, Peter asked in surprise. “What are you doing here?”
“We were supposed to meet up in the park, don’t you remember? So, I decided to pick you up”, MJ explained. “But Peter, you're bleeding!”
“It’s nothing. I, uh, I accidently cut my arm.”
“It doesn’t look like nothing. Let me see.” Before Peter could close the door in front of her, MJ had already walked in.
“Peter, what happened?”, she asked as she saw the chaos that his flat was. The floor was covered in little pieces of glass and drops of blood. A bloody knife was laying in between the mess.
Peter didn’t answer but as MJ instructed him to sit down, he did as he was told. Carefully, she took care of the wound. She cleaned and bandaged it. Then she investigated Peter’s face. It was obvious that he had been crying. “What happened? Why have you been crying?”
Peter sank down on her shoulder. “I miss him so much.”
“I know”, she whispered. “I miss him too.”
“It’s my fault. I should’ve protected him. If it wasn’t for me, Harry would still be alive.”
“It’s not your fault, Peter. It was his decision to save you. And he also saved me.” She pulled him into a hug. “Did you try to harm yourself?”
“I wanted to get rid of my powers”, he sobbed. “They only bring danger to those I love.”
“They are a part of you, Peter, and I wouldn’t wanna have you any other way. I love you just the way you are.”
MJ leaned forward and her lips met Peter’s. And suddenly, despite the emotional chaos raging inside him, Peter knew she was right. His powers were a part of him. Spider-Man was a part of him.
‘Keep me in your heart but don’t let me be your heart. You have to promise me, please’, Peter remembered Harry’s words.
So, he closed his eyes and returned the kiss.