A Dwarf and his Red Headed Shieldmaiden
Disclaimer: I don't own any Marvel or Game of Thrones characters seen, mentioned or used.
Tyrion Lannister, third son of Tywin Lannister, and the 'Runt of the litter' was a simple man if he did say so himself.
He loved drinking, he loved women, he loved money, and he loved when all three came together in a spectacular night, multiple if it could be arranged. He also loved his brother Jamie Lannister, the only member of his family, not counting his sweet and innocent niece Myrcella and her younger brother Tommen. He hated his father, his elder sister Cersei and her bastard of a son Joffery and he hated good wine being wasted.
"When shall we get there?" Joffery, the after mentioned nephew he despised spoke up from somewhere behind the Lannister dwarf.
"When we get there, nephew" Tyrion responded in a dry tone, wishing he just rode ahead Robert's party like he originally wanted to.
But no, he for whatever reason decided to interact with his family as if this time, things would be different.
"And when is that uncle? Or do you have trouble hearing me from down there?" Joffery asked in a spiteful tone.
"Believe me nephew, not a day has gone by where I don't wish I can't hear your voice" Tyrion replied as he reached for his water skin and removed the cap and took a long swing of the wine within.
It was then something occurred to Tyrion as he glanced at the person riding a black horse next to his slightly smaller mare.
"Why is it called Winterfell?"
"I do not know my lord, you Southerns give places odd names" a red headed beauty adorned in an armored top, armored grieves, boots and an armored skirt said as she rode next to Tyrion Lannister towards the front of a large train of guards, knights, and servants, all of which were headed by the King of the Seven Kingdoms, ever so slowly approaching the capital of the North and home to the House of Stark, Winterfell.
She was Sonja the Red, sometimes referred to as Red Sonja for her blood red hair and the fact that whenever she joined combat, she almost always ended up being drenched in the blood of her enemies. She was a Wildling from beyond the Wall that came into Tyrion's service several years ago where she, according to him, cheated him out of fifty gold coins only to repay him with two large breasted whores and a bottle of good wine. And she may have saved his head from being removed by a few disgruntled men that detested Tyrion's father and thought to take it out on him in return.
"We do, don't we?" Tyrion said with a hum before he shrugged "But I'm sure your kinsmen gave equally odd names to things North of the Wall"
"Not really, we kept it simple" Sonja said as she eyed the surrounding landscape with a bored look, her hand resting on the handle of her blade, Venom "At least my tribe did. We called our village the 'Homes beside the Frozen River' and our warriors, the 'Men of the Homes beside the Frozen River'. We also called our bows and arrows bows and arrows and such. We were rather simple folk"
"Ah" Tyrion said with a nod as the entourage ever so slowly neared Winterfell "That is quite simple. Tell me, did your tribe live close to the wall?"
Sonja shook her head "No, my people, last I checked, lived over a week and a half's ride by horse from the Wall"
"I take it's even farther by foot?" Tyrion guessed.
"A bit, yes" Sonja said with a sigh "Not a woman good looking enough to share a bed roll and a few hours with between it and the Wall sad to say"
"No men my lady?" Tyrion asked with a teasing grin.
"None good enough for such an honor" Sonja responded with an amused eye roll "And to think when I was a girl who just bleed for the first time, I thought there'd be someone south of the Wall who would be"
"There is my lady, yours truly" Tyrion boasted with a laugh "My skills as a lover are beyond equal as you know!"
"Yes, I would bet they are" Sonja said with a laugh "And like you, your times with those women are short and unappealing"
"You wound me fair Sonja the Red!" Tyrion joked before his face sobered a little as he glanced at the distant towers of Winterfell's castle as Robert's party cleared the tree line and began to cross the open plain towards Ned Stark's home "I intend to visit the Wall before returning to Kings Landing"
Sonja's grin fell as she glanced at Tyrion with a bewildered expression "Why?"
Tyrion shrugged "Partly, so I can take a long piss off it. Rather memorable, the shortest man in Westeros, pissing off the top of the tallest structure in the known world"
"Of course you will" Sonja said with a shake of her head, though she was amused by the image "And the rest of your reason?"
"I'm curious" Tyrion said with a shrug.
"About?" Sonja asked.
"What it's like up there? How are the men who stand vigilantly over the Wall to make sure our northern border is protected by the cruel and vicious Wildlings and other horrors beyond the Wal, all without the warmth of a woman to make it all worth it" Tyrion said with a laugh.
"They find ways I'm sure" Sonja said with a shrug "I've never met a member of the Night's Watch. I did the smart thing and took a boat south along the coastline"
"I take it the water was quite cold, yes?" Tyrion asked.
"A bit, it'd freeze what balls you have right off" Sonja said with a smirk before Joffery spoke up.
"Is that what happened to you?" the spoiled little brat asked with a grin.
Sonja looked back at the young teen with narrowed eyes that caused him to tense. After a few seconds, Sonja smirked as she nodded towards the large man behind the teen donned in full plated armor with a helm made in fashion of that of a dog "The Hound won't always be there to guard you little Prince. Do well to remember that"
"D-Did you just threaten me?!" he asked, aghast that anyone would dare speak to him in such a manner.
"I did" Sonja said with a nod before she turned away from the young boy "What are you going to do about it?"
"I'll have you flayed is what I'll have done you filthy Northern cunt!" Joffery snapped, his hand drifting to the handle of a dagger strapped to his belt that looked more at home on some shelf than potentially in the flesh of an enemy of it's wielder.
"Better men than you have tried little boy" Sonja said with a wink thrown towards Tyrion before she looked back towards Joffery "Though if you do try, it'd be the first manly thing I and anyone else here has ever seen you do. Maybe your dear father would finally be proud of you, wouldn't that be something grand?"
Tyrion broke out into a full-blown laugh as Joffery's face turned red with sheer rage.
"I knew there was a reason I kept you around all these years" Tyrion said as he wiped a few tears from his eyes as they neared the gate to Winterfell before entering the ancient stronghold.
Sonja glanced around to see how many people had come to receive them. As before, in any city she's entered since coming South of the Wall, she was always taken back by the sheer number of people that could live in such dwellings. Her tribe barely numbered sixty at the best of times and yet here, even this far north of Kings Landing, she counted a good several hundred people at least. After a few minutes, they arrived in the courtyard of the city's main keep to see the Stark Family and many nobles of Winterfell had already assembled and were waiting for them. Sonja nudged her horse towards Tyrion's before she climbed off it and with a grasp of the man's cloak, lifted him off his own steed and placed him on the ground as more of the Kings Guard arrived along with the carriage carrying his wife, his only daughter and youngest son along with his wife's handmaidens.
"I hate it when you do that" Tyrion grumbled as he adjusted his cloak.
"Then stop looking so adorable when I do it" Sonja joked as King Robert himself finally entered the courtyard.
The ones that did not travel with the King all kneeled before the King of the Seven Kingdoms as he glanced around with a disinterested expression before pulling his horse to a stop. Several stable boys, one of them carrying a small step, approached the King and took his horse while the one carrying the steps placed it on the ground as Robert climbed off his steed.
"Think he'll fall off it like last time?" she whispered towards Tyrion who smirked.
"Don't fret my lady, his large gullet will break the fall... again" the Imp of a Lannister snickered.
Sonja chuckled quietly as Robert descended the steps, throwing a very brief scowl towards Sonja and Tyrion before he approached the Stark Family. The man came to a stop and glanced down at Ned before he made a slight hand gesture for him and the rest to all stand after a few seconds had passed. Sonja watched as the two men stared at one another before Robert made a comment about Ned having grown fat before the Warden of the North shot him a look that said 'Same as you'.
'How touching...' Sonja thought dryly as the two men broke into a laugh and hugged one another after not seeing each other for almost a decade and the tension that was in the air from the King's arrival lifted.
It was then that Sonja noticed Tyrion discreetly calling her over away from the rest of the entourage. She quirked a brow and she glanced at the rest of the party to see that they were all distracted with greetings and approached the grinning Dwarf.
"Yes?" she said, already having an idea of what he wanted.
"Do you have any money on you?" he asked.
"A bit, why?" Sonja said before she noticed a familiar glint in his eye, causing her to shake her head in exasperation "Haven't been in this city ten minutes my lord and already you want to find a whore or two"
"Ten minutes, I call that a personal record" Tyrion said as he gestured for Sonja to follow him out of the keep's courtyard before anyone could notice them "Besides, I always find whores give you a very in-depth view of the city itself. It's mood, it's people, it's environment"
"Which you barely pay attention to given your more drunk than a winery" Sonja scoffed as she followed the little man to where he's likely already located a brothel.
She wouldn't be surprised if he mapped out every brothel from the Wall back to Kings Landing.
"That's why I have you my dear" Tyrion said with a grin before he frowned and reached into his coin pouch and pulled out the coins he had before he winced "Damn, it seems I'll only have enough for myself... perhaps we could share-"
"I regrettably decline my lord" Sonja said in a dry tone.
"But my Lady Sonja the Red, I could-" Tyrion began before Sonja grabbed his shoulders and turned the man around and gave him a little nudge.
"Apologies my lord, but when I do find a man to be at my side, I want to be able to look him in the eye as we rut. And I don't like to share my women" Sonja said as she pushed the Lannister along before anyone noticed them.
Or King Robert decided to join them, which in itself wouldn't be too bad. The three of them could get into quite a bit of mischievous fun at times.
'And that it'll piss his cunt of a wife off is just a happy coincidence' Sonja thought with a smirk.
Honestly, she thinks that King Robert does half the things he does just to vex Cersei, not that she could blame him. If she had to be wedded to a bitch like her, she'd be doing everything she could to make her life miserable, just out of spite. It was petty, but Sonja has never claimed to not be a petty woman.
"Do you even know where to go?" Sonja asked as she and Tyrion made their way down a street, passing several people who gave the pair and odd look but said nothing.
"Yeeees- no, I don't" Tyrion said with a frown before he spotted a guard and approached the man "Excuse me good sir?"
"What do you want?" the man asked with annoyance.
Before Tyrion could say anything, the man was on the ground clutching a broken nose after Sonja's hand shot out towards his face.
"You will speak to lord Tyrion Lannister with more respect" the red headed warrior said as she saw several guards notice the altercation and approached them, hands on their sword's handles or their spears at the ready. Sonja's own hand drifted to Venom's handle at her side and waited to see if they would follow through with their attempt to intimidate her while Tyrion loudly cleared his throat and got between the two parties before Sonja could cut them down.
"Excuse me gentlemen, as my lovely companion has already stated, I am Tyrion Lannister" the Dwarf said, causing the guards to look at him in surprise as he gave them an embarrassed smile "I apologize for my bodyguard's treatment of your friend, she's merely doing her job"
"What'd he do to deserve a punch to the face?" one of the guards asked with a frown.
"Spoke to my lord here with disrespect" Sonja warned as her hand remained on her weapon, the muscles in her arm tense and ready to be sprang into action at a moment's notice "Which is starting to sound like what you're doing"
The guard paled at the dark look Sonja was giving him while Tyrion chuckled nervously, one of these days he swore that his red headed companion will drag them into the sort of trouble even he won't be able to talk them out of.
"Yes, she's quite... exemplary at her job" Tyrion said with a grin before he clapped his hands together, causing several of the guard to jump at the sudden action "Now, if you would be so kind as to point me to the nearest brothel, we'll be on our way"
"Unless you poor little boys would rather end up like your friend here" Sonja nodded towards the man still on the ground, blood pouring from his face as he moaned.
Their response was to point down the street with varying looks of fear as Tyrion followed their hands. After a few seconds he nodded and gave them a grateful smile.
"Thank you" he said with a nod before he glanced at the man on the ground and sighed as he pulled out a few gold coins and tossed them to the man "Here, for your troubles friend"
"If anyone asks, say it was three men" Sonja smirked as she stepped pass the man and followed Tyrion in the direction the guards pointed to "Be less humiliating for you, no?"
"Is that a thing beyond the Wall?" Tyrion asked as he scanned the buildings for signs of the Brothel "Being beaten by a woman is considered a great dishonor and all that?"
"No, not really" Sonja said with a shake of her head "Half the women beyond the wall are more man than the boys you have running around in armor down here"
Tyrion hummed at this "Perhaps I'll pay a visit to your kinsmen one day, assuming of course they don't try to kill me"
"It's not them you have to worry about" Sonja said, all trace of amusement gone from both her face and her voice "There's things beyond the Wall that are far worse than a bunch of blood thirsty Wildlings"
Tyrion glanced up at Sonja with a curious expression before he nodded "Well, let's hope they stay beyond that Wall. I like living and have no intention to stop anytime soon"
Sonja grinned a little at this as they finally found the Brothel and Tyrion wasted no time entering the sinful establishment "I'll do my best to make sure of that my lord"
"See that you do the same for yourself, I have no use for a dead bodyguard"
...
'Of course he'd be here' Jamie thought dryly as he climbed off his horse not even half an hour after arriving in Winterfell with the King and attached the reigns of his steed to a post before he removed his helm and placed it in the crook of his arm and stepped into the brothel and was greeted to the sight of several topless and bottomless women who each gave him an interested once over and a sultry smile.
"Ladies" Jamie said with a friendly grin and nod as he scanned for signs of his brother or his infamous bodyguard.
"And so comes the mighty Kingslayer" a voice spoke up from behind Jamie, causing him to turn to see Sonja step out from the hall "To a whore house of all places. My how... fitting"
"You know my lady Sonja, there are far easier ways to earn me in a bed of your choosing" Jamie responded with a charming grin that left many women weak in the knees "You did not have to meet me here, even if the local is quite ingenious. Who would think to look here for a man breaking his vows to King and country with a 'Wildling' of all people"
Sonja grinned in a way that both intrigued Jamie and intimidated him as she leaned against the door frame "Jamie, the day I ever decide to pull my skirt up and bend over for your cock is the day after I had my head cut off and placed on a spike to watch"
"Ever the charmer my lady Sonja" Jamie said with a snort before he nodded behind her "Is my brother at the very least, still awake?"
"He is" Sonja said with a nod as she folded her arms across her chest "But closed door, means he's busy"
"I'm sure" Jamie said as he did his best to squeeze pass Sonja before she held an arm out to stop him.
"Closed door, means he's busy" Sonja said, the amusement in her eyes even though her voice grew slightly colder.
"I won't be long" Jamie said as he patted Sonja's wrist "Just have to remind him that I want him awake for the dinner tonight. Else I'll have to put up with both our family and the Starks all night all by my lonsome"
"Aww, poor Kingslayer" Sonja mocked as she dropped her arm "I thought after living in Kings Landing so long you'd be used to the Highborns being all high and mighty at their merry little parties"
"You would think" Jamie said with a nod as he made his way pass the red headed woman, stopping for a brief second to admire her rear and silently cursed that his heart was for Cersei before he grabbed the door knob, turned it and stepped right in... only to step right back out with a scowl of annoyance as he closed the door behind him and glowered at the red head "That wasn't Tyrion's room. That was a man fat man's with another man on his knees and his mouth around his cock"
"I know" Sonja said with a laugh before she pointed to another door next to the one that Jamie just entered "He's in that one"
"I so do love your sense of humor sometimes" Jaime said in a dry sarcastic tone.
"I know" Sonja said as she pulled a small knife from her belt to clean her nails with "I have my head still as proof you appreciate my brutal honesty and the joy I bring you and your brother"
"That and Tyrion would be insufferable if I had you killed" Jamie said as he made his way to his brother's door.
"So would the king when he asks why half his men were killed trying to arrest and behead a single woman" Sonja said with a smirk.
"That too, though I think he'll just be displeased that I killed his drinking partner" Jamie said in agreement as he opened the door and stepped into the room, much to the annoaynce of his brother.
"Sonja, I said no one is allowed to intterupt me!"
Sonja smirked as she idly listened to Jamie and Tyrion's conversation, mainly the elder Lannister hoping Tyrion will attend the feast tonight sober enough to stay conscious so he had someone to talk to. She was tempted to tell Jamie could join Tyrion in drunken bliss before she decided that listening to weak excuse of being a member of the King's Guard would prevent him from indulging.
It wasn't like Robert would care, if anything he'd encourage it.
'Most powerful man in Westeros and he's a drunk that prefers fucking and drinking to governing... there's something to be said there' Sonja thought dryly before she noticed a few women pass her and enter the room that Jamie and Tyrion were in, causing her to look back with a quirk brow before she shook her head at the laughter inside as Jamie stepped out with a pleased look on his face.
"That was fast" she remarked with a snort.
"If my sister and father knew my brother as well as I do and knew how to gain his attention in anything, I think they'd be all the happier with one another" Jamie grinned.
"I'm sure" Sonja said with a shrug as she prepared to go back to cleaning her nails with her knife when Jamie was about to speak before he stopped for a second and glanced at a woman with short dark hair that was down the hall a bit, watching the two of them with interest in her eyes. Jamie looked at her and then back towards Sonja who quirked a brow at him "What?"
Jamie shook his head in amusement before he reached into his coin pouch and threw a gold coin towards the woman and the pouch to Sonja. The red head glanced at the pouch in confusion before looking towards the Lannister as he turned towards the dark-haired woman and pointed towards Sonja.
"Show her some Northern hospitality"
The woman grinned as Sonja glanced at Jamie with an amused look on her face before she shrugged and pocket the pouch and made her way over to the woman "I must warn you girl, I don't like soft lovers"
"I will be as hard and as rough as you want me to be my lady" the woman said with a sultry grin as she placed her hand on Sonja's chest and ran it over the curve of her breast before Sonja grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards a room while Jamie laughed.
"You're welcome!"
...
And done.
Next chapter, A Dothraki wedding...