There was so much dancing beneath her skin throughout all these years. An adventure of a multiverse played by two shared souls in the painting. A whole picture of true love in its layers and compositions.
Her love life with him was always about one canvas, portraying the layers and colors of the exact same feeling she had been carrying all life long, as she remembers.
By now, they’re had more time together than apart from each other. It was years running through time as time ran through their both, but even like that, they were still young physically and in soul.
Sylvie and Loki were just walking across the bridge over a lake, breathing Berlin's air in their lungs. Time didn’t really matter anymore. They had so much of it; it became almost nonexistent by now.
- What is running through your mind right now? – He asks, stopping to stare at her. Even after years, his eyes of admiration never left his features every time he looked at her. Did she look at him the same way?
- Sincerely? – She smiles slightly. – I don’t know.
He returns her smile, but his was far kinder than she could ever feel. Maybe, even with Loki, she could never get rid of the sensation of pain that burned her chest, and so, a thought rose in her head.
- I don’t think it’s true. – He responds.
- Why?
- You always frown when you’re thinking. – He glances at her with the purest expression. He seemed easy, like a Sunday morning. His eyes reflected a shape of greenish-blue as the lights of lamps around the park focused on him. He looked pretty, though.
- Do I? – She asks, in return. How many features of her he already knew? – Perceptive of you.
He gives her the best he can, and he doesn’t look preoccupied as she is. He looks happy, calm and everything is just beautiful, she never had any problem with how things worked between them. She even loved that.
Loved?
Only then she realized she was really frowning again, this time, with her eyes distant from his.
- Does something bother you?
Does it?
She reconsiders. It’s late, anyway. She’s probably just tired of being around, although inside something tells her it's something else.
And he’s still waiting for a response.
- Do you remember when we went to that little village in Beijing?
- How could I forget? – He remembers. – We just got married by those years and you were extraordinarily impressed by the stars.
She nodded, feeling ridiculous at the thought of getting distracted with so little. She was unused to having those kinds of moments of appreciation. Yet, they had built so much together along the years. She also knew, at that time, her mind was somewhere else but only the stars. Her mind used to be always on him.
She looked up at the stars now. They no longer seem to shine as they did before. He kept looking at her, instead.
– They don’t shine as brightfully in the city. - She observed, and then her eyes flowed to the lamps glowing with yellow lights. It was none of a celebrative day at all. They were just walking around, as if they were still teenagers getting to know each other better, but she already knows so much of him. Anyway, that made it feel easier for her. – Since we settled down, everything has been so quiet for me. In my mind.
This time, he is the one who frowns.
– Do you miss having adventures? – He asks, interested. He could invest in any sort of adventure or new life, as long as she was with him.
She smiles at the thought.
– I already had plenty of them. – She responds, certain.
– We did. – He smirks, some memories from the past invading his mind. – Are we old?
She laughs.
– No. We’re more at peace. – She thinks, feeling guilty at the phrase.
Then, he considers her words and decides to feel at peace with himself. Whatever was going through her mind right now was just nostalgia.
– And you were right. – She said, feeling going down a very tenuous path. What is she heading with that feeling?
– On we being old?
She shakes his head in disagree.
– On me being thinking. – She makes a brief pause, looking up again. – A lot.
– Do you wanna share? – He suggests, feeling more than glad to hear anything she has to say.
But she was not sure at all. Did she?
– I don’t know where to begin.
– From the start is a great point. – He smiles, but a concern rises in him when she looks overwhelmed. He lowers his head, approaches her and hold to her shoulders, then his hands go down to her arms until he’s holding her hands. He hopes it comforts her.
She doesn’t want to panic herself, let alone him. But she’s so confused at this time, and she must be honest. This was their code.
Fate, then, made her way to this situation. Was it common to wish to undo everything you thought would be forever? Tear apart everything she felt, reducing it to nothing? Being crashed by a wave vanishing her very soul, turning her into something she doesn’t fully understand yet?
They hold forever in his hands, but it now feels like a long time to be lived.
Why is she screwing it all up? If she says, she will leave him in pieces.
– Sylvie? – He calls her name when he realizes she’s stuck in a thought spiral. What is happening to her? – We’ve been out of keeping secrets for a long time now. You can tell me if something does not feel well.
She can’t help but to feel a single drop falling across her cheek.
– But I don’t want to break you.
He doesn’t understand, even when she continues:
– Do you still feel happy with me? With us?
He underestimates the power of the situation. That’s what she is thinking about? Is she scared he doesn’t love her anymore? But that was not much of Sylvie to think so, he definitely figured there was something else in the situation.
Even though, he assures.
– Undoubtedly.
It makes everything harder for her to say.
– Didn’t you ever feel like you could let what we have go?
He is concerned now. For sure.
– Sylvie, I don’t understand. Why would I?
– Because I feel tired. – She announces, regretting it immediately.
He stands there, incapable to understand what’s going on with her. Anyway, she doesn’t know how to make it any clearer, even when she gather the required strength in her chest to start to elaborate.
– I didn’t want it to be like that.
– I don’t think I comprehend. – He says, scared. Involuntarily, he tightens his gaze on Sylvie’s hand in an attempt to make himself feel secure. Her touch has this power on him. But then she retreats, and eventually he feels afraid as he never was.
– I love you. – She says. At first, those words provided him the comfort he needed and he allowed himself to deceive in the situation. – But I am no longer in love.
He blinks twice, until he finally winces letting the words sink in.
His first thought is to blame himself, of course. If there is anyone who could destroy something it was him. His mind goes and comes back from his past until nowadays and he’s taken with that old feeling of fear, sadness, desolation.
– Did I do something wrong? – He asks, immediately after his reverie. – Is it something I can fix?
She shakes her head, retreating even more, feeling not lucid enough to go on with that madness.
– No, it is not you.
– Sylvie?
She started to realize the implication of what she just said. If she was wrong, how could she turn back with that? It had to be serious, at least to make those words so necessary to come out from her.
Sylvie let her head fall and sighs deeply.
– It’s not you, it was never you.
Even now, when she understands the dimension of her words in him, she still can’t process the expression he has when he comes to realization. His ocean blue eyes, pacific so far, now had become of a tempestuous one.
– But why?
She had no answer for. And that’s what hurt the most. After all this time he finally came to his end. Something reminded him of Sif’s words.
You’re alone. And you will always be.
It didn’t matter how much of life they had together or how important and strong his feelings still are, he, after all, would never be enough.
– I couldn’t keep lying to you anymore. – She said, but his face was inconsolable. Devastation was the word, and that devastated her too.
– How long? – He managed to say.
She thought briefly.
– A few months.
– Months? – He whispered, inconsolation even more evident on his face.
She confirmed, and there was the hardest part for Sylvie to handle when his chest burst in pain while his eyes mined. She loves him, she knows it. And it was with this feeling that made her consider to approach, to make him feel better, to take out all of his pain. But she couldn’t give him hope, so she remained frozen.
– Why saying this only now?
– I did want to make sure.
– So the last months… – He started to say, but couldn’t complete at first. So, with a heavy breath he did it. – don’t say you didn’t love me.
She swallowed, but he understood her absence of answer was already a confirmation he needed. That explained a lot.
– Does it hurt you? – He asks. – To do it?
– In a way I could never tell. – She answers, but there’s not remnants of tears in her eyes, which makes him truly believe that if there was pain, she had already gone through this.
– What is it going to be?
– I don’t know. – She tells him. – But we will figure it out, remember? But not together.
He lifted a hand to clear up his own face.
– Are you gonna be okay? – She asks, remembering when he was the one used to check up on her often.
– Of course not. – He responded sincerely, impressively mature. Deep down, despite his comprehension for her, he knew he wasn’t. – I will always love you.
She nodded.
– And I you. But I have once again to deal with my inner monsters.
He felt horrible knowing he was never again going to be beside her to help her deal with them.
– I can’t lose you. – He begged, hoping his plea would work somehow.
– You won’t. I will be forever here. Our histories, our memories. All of us so far.
Sylvie blamed herself. So did Loki. By that time of night, they had not much to talk about either. When he arrived at home, around morning, she had already left. Only then he could lay down on their - now, only his - bed and feel her scent with the wish it could never fade.
He slept, miraculously, thinking that he could run away from that feeling. Unfortunately, with a heart broken, he dreamed of her. In his dreams, they were happy and reality all fell sudden when he woke up again.
The pain, though, never left him. From that moment on, he knew he was forever love her, and even waiting for her to come home.