A Thousand and One Nights

Tony stretched as the sun shone into the room.  He felt sore in all the good places, which meant he was currently married and possibly not alone.  He opened his eyes, un surprised to see an empty bed.  When people know about his wedding divorce plan, they usually have a plan to get as much of his money as they can squeeze out before he divorces them the next morning.

Besides, this one had been hot and tasty.  Tony wriggled in the bed sheets, luxuriating in the feel before sighing.  “J, what’s my husband bought this morning so far?”  He glanced at the clock.  No bank would be open at 7:15am but JARVIS had a list of suppliers his spouses could access, ostensibly for redecorating purposes.  

“Sgt Barnes has not made any purchases this morning.”  Tony frowned at the ceiling.  Generally JARVIS wakes him if his spouse is attempting to use more than $5,000, but a few hundred dollars of purchases wasn’t unusual.

“Does he know how to order stuff?  I like him and am willing to make his post-divorce life a bit easier for a few months.”  Tony mumbled as he rolled over and tried to find the edge of the bed.  

“Sgt Barnes claimed to have no interest in purchasing anything this morning.  Requests for guidance around the kitchen was the only request made.”

Tony hummed as he finally found the edge to his bed and rolled off the mattress and onto his feet.  “Does that mean there’s coffee?”

He heard a snort.  “Black as my soul, still in the pot.”  

Tony blinked blearly at his husband standing at the stove with a spatula.  “You’re cooking.”

That earned him another snort.  “Ivan was right, you don’t really turn on until you’ve had caffeine.”  James poured a mug of black coffee and set it in front of Tony, who stared at it a moment before picking it up and downing half the scalding fluid.  “Don’t burn yourself.”

Tony huffed as he took another long gulp.  “Coffee would never hurt me so.  Its my most helpful constant companion.”

James laughed as he turned with two plates of eggs and toast.  “Not sure if that says more about your companions or your coffee.”

“Don’t dis my coffee!”  Tony squinted at him before looking at the plate and fork.

James rolled his eyes, “I’m not.  By the way, your tablet was convinced I wanted furniture this morning.  I wasn’t planning to be here this morning that long, why would I be redecorating?”

Tony waved his hand.  “Pre-nup lets you keep what you buy.”

James frowned.  “Wait people actually try to do that?  Wake up before you sign that thing and try to drain your account with purchases?”  James looked gobsmacked.

Tony shrugged as the coffee finally kicked in.  “Why are you making breakfast?”

“Because its morning.  Though if you’d slept long enough I suppose it would be called lunch.  That’s what Steve says anyway.  Trust me, I’m usually all for sleeping until noon.”

“So why didn’t you?  You’re comfy.”

James shrugged, “Your bed is a freaking cloud, man.  How do you remember you won’t fall through it?”

Tony laughed.

James shook his head, “Doesn’t matter.  I got a phone call at the ass crack of dawn from the original dumpster fire.”  He pulled out his phone and played back a voicemail.

“Buckyyyyyyyy!!!!!!  Pick uuuuuuuup the phone!  What did Steve feed you last night?  Drink you?  Its a drink so its not food so is it still ‘feed’?  Anyway, I want hotdogs and penguins.  We need penguins in our apartment!  Nat’s being mean and telling me to go to the zoo and live there if I want penguins.  I don’t want to live at the zoo!  Maybe the penguins will be willing to move out of the zoo?  They might enjoy Brooklyn, you never know.  I know!  Let's go ask!  The zoo doesn’t open until 8 on Saturdays and the hot dog guy will be in the park by 10 usually.  I’ve seen him there at least.  Though he ran away from me that one time so you need to come and hold him still so I can get some hot dogs.  We can give the penguins hot dogs too!  As a sort of apartment signing bonus!  Do penguins like hot dogs?  I think they usually prefer fish.  But that’s specist of me.  Humans prefer beef, but not all of us like a hamburger.  Can you ask a penguin what they like to eat?  Do you speak penguin?  Steve says you speak the most languages in the group.  But he’s the only person who knows any Gaelic.  Is that even still a language in this hemisphere?  Not the north hemisphere, Steve!  The Western Hemisphere!  Bucky knows what I mean!  We’re connected.  Why?  Cuz we both stare longingly at our target for hours and hours on end before making a single, decisive move that results in the most noticeable and gratifying insertion in our target’s life.  Of course it is usually also the last, but- ack!  Of course I did that on purpose, Steve!  What’s the point of being a super secret sexy us if we can’t explain it in wonderfully evocative imagery?  Bucky’s on my side, right Barnes?  Anyway, I’ll see you at the zoo at 8am.  Please bring my number 8 lock pick back, I’ll need it if the penguins are in an enclosure with a 4 pin lock.  Ciao Bella!”

The phone beeped as Tony stared at it, gobsmacked.  His forgotten eggs had fallen off his fork where it hoovered halfway to his mouth when the next message started playing.

“Barnes.  Deal with Barton.  Under no circumstances am I allowing penguins in my bedroom.  I had vodka last night.  Don’t wake me when you get in or I’ll tie your entrails around Steve’s alarm clock and return to bed.  до свидания”

The phone beeped again as the woman’s voice stopped snipping out of the speakers.  Tony slowly set his fork down again as he blinked and a third message started.

“Buck, Clint just left for the zoo to pick up some penguins.  I vaguely remember him explaining this but can you check that he means something besides live animals?  You’re closer to the zoo and I have that Security Consultation meeting with Fury this morning for the mission this afternoon.  If I arrive covered in mustard again, Fury will help Tasha hang me by my entrails.  Thanks!”

The phone beeped again.  Tony opened his mouth but James help up a finger and a final message played.

“Bucky!  Its 6 and the zoo isn’t open.  I’ll hang out in the sewer until 8 am and then return for the penguin mission.  Don't be late!”

James shut his phone as that last message beeped.

Tony stared at it as James went back to eating.  When he finally thought he’d make a sensible sound out of his mouth, he cleared his throat, “Bucky?”

James- Bucky cocked his head before grinning, “Yeah, I gave you my legal name, didn’t I.  No one really calls me James.  Well Except Becca when she’s pissed.  She decided to take over for Ma after the funeral and I get three-named by my baby sis, then I know I’m in for it.”  Bucky snickered, “Of course, I usually throw Steve under the bus and hightail it out of there before she can get her claws on me.”

“Let me get this straight, you’re a grown ass man who answers to Bucky?”  Tony asked incredulously.

Bucky looked up from his plate with a raised eyebrow for a moment before a slow smirk crossed his lush lips.  He leaned on his flesh hand, elbow on the table, and met Tony’s gaze with his slate grey eyes.  He slowly places his spoon with its small bite in his mouth and twisted the handle to draw it out in a way that made Tony’s throat go dry and his brain skip a track.  As the smooth curve exited those luscious lips and the shiny metal shone spit-clean, Bucky’s eyes fluttered down to half mast like it was the sweetest cream he’d ever tasted instead of scrambled eggs.  Tony found himself unconsciously holding his breath as the spoon came free and he saw that Bucky’s tongue was still slowly, smoothly gliding over the underside of the spoon, licking it fully clean.

Tony had never been jealous of silverware before.

Bucky’s throaty voice dropped a register and it took Tony a second to understand the words.  “Are you saying,”  Bucky drawled, “That last night wasn’t enough proof that I’m a grown ass man?”  

Tony swallowed at that as Bucky held his gaze lazily.  Then Tony reached out with a hand to touch, but Bucky leaned back.  His eyes sharpened slightly and returned to the easy going alertness he’d had all morning, “Unfortunately, we don’t have time for a do over right now.  I need to get to the zoo.  Do you have documents for me to sign?”

Tony blinked, suddenly off balance.  “Doc- yes, right, of course.”  Tony shook his head to shake away the cobwebs.  The divorce papers would have been left for them in the study.  Tony gulped the last of his eggs as Bucky took his dish to the sink and cleaned up a bit.  

Tony was about to head to the study to get the papers when Bucky’s phone rang.

“Hey, Clin- What?”  Bucky’s eyes grew wide and then rolled.

“Absolutely not!”

“Of course penguins are cute but-”

“No, I don’t want to see them every day.”

Bucky listened for a few minutes with a frown.  “Living with Stevie doesn’t even compar-”

“Well, no, I don’t always want to see him everyday either, but its-”

Bucky sighed, hand running through his hair in exasperation.  “No animals!  You heard what Tasha said!”

“Don’t even!  I know you don’t get hangovers or alcohol amnesia, you lucky bastard so pull another one.”  Bucky growled as he opened the cupboards with slightly more force than expected and started putting Tony’s dishes away.  Tony was glad someone knew where they went.  He surely didn’t.

“That was not an invitation, Barton!”

Tony grinned as an actual facts growl burst out of Bucky’s mouth.  “I’m not worried about you, you birdbrained maniac!  I'm worried about me!  Tasha will kill me and dance on my grave!”

“You will most certainly not protect me!  You squeal like a rat and run like a coward if your bestie even looks at you cross eyed.”

“No!  No Penguins in the apartment!”

“Because you agreed you needed a second person’s approval to-”

“Who the hell gave you approval for this featherbrained scheme?”  Bucky shrieked.

“Scott doesn’t count, he doesn’t live in our apartment.”

“Oh, we most certainly did limit it to people living in the apartment, you lying sack of purple beaks!”

“Eww!  I do not flirt with Sam.  Wash your mouth with engineers pumice!”

“You are not bringing penguins or any other living creature home with you who does not already live-”  Bucky face palmed.  “No, Clint.  Just no.”

Bucky grimaced as he strolled over to grab his jacket.  “Fine, I’m on my way.  If we get arrested trying to unlock cage at the zoo, you owe me bail, you dumpster fire.”

“No, you can’t talk me into-”  Bucky tried to shoulder his jacket on without dropping the phone, “Because I was there for the llama incident!  I can never unsee that!”

“Yeah, yeah, wait for me before going in.  You can’t call it a securities exercise if you don’t have your ID on you, you moron!”  Bucky snarked as he hung up.  He looked over at Tony, who was now staring at him.  “Hey, you got that document or whatever, because I really really need to go.  No one wants a repeat of the llama incident.”

Tony blinked and looked around himself.  “Um.”

Bucky stared at him a moment before sighing.  “Look I get that you don’t know me, but I swear I'll stop back after I deal with this and sign the damn papers.  And I won’t buy anything or whatever.”

“Oh,”  Tony said faintly, “Right.”  Then his brain started to re-engage.  “Right, well, it does seem like a crisis.”  Tony fidgeted.  “Of course, you know, I’m pretty handy in a crisis.”

Bucky eyed him with a raised eyebrow.  “You want to come?  Clint’s on a level all his own, even his friends scratch their heads keeping up.”  Bucky scowled, “Except Tasha.  She can read his mind.”

Tony laughed.  “He can’t be worse than I was in college!  I can take it!”  he called out as he sprinted over to the bedroom to grab actual facts adult clothes.

Bucky shook his head, “When it comes to Clint, there is no ready.”

“As the person who often can only be handled in small doses, I think I’m prepared.”  Tony called out as he stuffed his feet into a pair of jeans.

Bucky frowned at him.  “No one can handle someone all the time.  That’s a bit too Linus and blankie.  And this kind of chaos is a lot different from this side of the equation.”

Tony was now hopping as he inserted his foot in his second sneaker.  “Rhodey would say it serves me right.  Besides, after all this?  I have to meet this Clint person.  No one is more chaos inducing than I.”

Bucky blinked at him in skeptical amusement as he followed him out the door.

Clint Barton turned out to be a man about Tony’s age with dirty blonde hair and a purple tracksuit that went zip zip when you walked.  They found him kneeling in the bushes near the employee entrance of the Zoo’s custodian area about ten minutes before the hour.  When they’d arrived, Tony had them drop off at the entrance, Bucky had looked around for a moment before taking off to circle the place with Tony following gamely behind him.

“Hey, good, you are a better throw than I am.”

Bucky sighed, “Why are we getting the penguins?”

Clint gasped.  “How can you say that!  Aren’t they cute?”

Bucky stated at Clint before huffing, “Sure, adorable.”

Clint nodded, “And don’t you like cute people.”

“They aren’t people.”

“Blasphemy!  That’s specist!”  Clint scolded him.  Then Clint turned to Tony, who was standing looking around to see if there was anyone to come and ask them what the hell they were doing here.  “You know penguins are people, don’t you?”

Tony shrugged, “Well, sure, but unless you intend to go adopt each kindergarten class, not sure cute and person can be the only criteria for roommates?”  Tony scratched his head in thought.

Clint scoffed.  “Not all the kindergarteners.  Some of them are not cute at all.”

Tony nodded, “Absolutely, not cute.”  Tony thought about that for a moment, “How do you know all the penguins are cute?”

“You don’t think penguins are cute?” Clint gasped.

Tony grinned, “Either they’re people and thus individually cute like the suicidal ninjas in elementary schools, or their all the same and thus not people, even though they’re universally cute.”

This had Clint pausing to think as Bucky gaped at Tony like he was a puppy who recited Shakespeare.  Clint nodded, “You’re right!  They might be not-cute penguins.  We don’t want not-cute penguins.”  Bucky let out a sigh of relief, but Tony bit his tongue.  If Clint was as much like Tony as he seemed, Tony doubted this adventure was over.  “We will have to interview them.”

Bucky yelped as Clint sprinted out of the bushes and to the doorway a maintenance worker had just walked through, sliding a branch in the door frame to prevent it from closing.  Tony had to step fast as Bucky scurried after him.  “Thanks for trying.”  Bucky mumbled.

Tony shrugged, “My college roommate used that argument to keep me from bring home all the dorm kitchen appliances.”

Bucky stared at him a moment before shaking his head.  “Did you interview them too?”

“Nah.  I just gave them a bit more personality and left them in their natural environment.”  Tony said as he slipped after Clint’s disappearing form.  The man was speedy.  

Luckily, they knew he was heading for the penguins so that took some of the guess work out of tailing him.  Unluckily, when they arrived at the penguin enclosure, Clint was already inside and appeared to be chatting with one of the flock.

Bucky sighed.  “Damn, if he brings home even on of those, Tasha’s gonna strangle me and it will not be done with mercy.”

Tony sniffed, “As your legal spouse, I will sue her for harming your neck.  Its a very pretty neck.”

Bucky grinned his way, “Yeah, Doll, you say the sweetest things.”

“That’s why you married me.”  Tony quipped.

Bucky considered him, “So I realized we sprinted out of the place, but is it gonna be okay us not signing those papers before we left?”

Tony shrugged.  “I mean, we aren’t divorced until the signatures and such.  But I don’t always go home with people I’d rather not be married to.  A couple of them actually lasted a few days.”  Mostly because Tony swept the person on a honeymoon style vacation than any real desire to spend the rest of their lives together but the precedent was there.

Bucky rolled his eyes as Tony noticed Clint making his way to the back of the enclosure.  “Uh, don’t look now, but I think your Clint-person has made his decision.”

Bucky looked over just as Clint was tackling the lock on a set of bars on the far side of the penguin habitat.  “Crap.  We need a distraction.”

Tony hummed, “Could be provided.  But anything to distract from chaos has to have more chaos.”  He said reasonably.

Bucky facepalmed at that.  “Naturally.”

Tony ignored him to approach Clint who had succeeded in opening the gate and was now walking as the penguins spilled out into the pathway.  “So, where are we going now?”

Clint waved to one direction.  “Just visiting.”

“Not all the way to Brooklyn!”  Bucky protested.

Clint shook his head, “Nah.”  Bucky deflated in relief.  “Just to the duck pond in Central Park.”

Tony blinked and grinned as Bucky groaned and Clint sped off cackling and two security guards shouted at them.  All three took off for the exit with reflexes born from years of chaos experience, trailing a whole flock of excited penguins.

Tony huffed as he considered if it he was hungry enough to get up and find food.  Deciding he was too tired, he groaned.  “I’m not moving for a year.”

He heard chuckles from the two other people in the room.  Bucky sighed, “I’ll see about hand feeding you tomorrow if you still feel that way.”

Tony waved his hand before flopping it back on the couch.

“RIch asshole wants to be pampered, what a shock.”  Clint snarked.

Tony dragged enough energy to flip him off.  “Fuck.  You.  Bar-ton.”

A snicker, that was likely Bucky, but Tony could be arsed to look over to tell.  A snuffling told Tony that the black and purple golden retriever they’d ended the day with was moving around.  Tony shoved himself enough to roll over the edge of the couch.  He landed on Bucky’s chest with a wheeze.  Bucky grunted and one arm came up automatically to stabilize him.

“If you want me to do anything except sleep, you need to wait a few hours.”  Bucky mumbled.  Soft snores filtered over from the furry pile on the other side of the soft rug they were all laying on.  Clint had been buried by the dog he’d named Lucky.

Tony reached a hand up blindly to feel about Bucky’s face.  He patted and moved up until he fund his pillow’s hair and patted his head.  “Nice pillow needs to sleep now.  Chat in morning after coffee.”

Bucky grunted..  “I’m making NanaCakes.”

“Nanacakes?”

“You have bananas.  You have Eggs.  You have baking soda.  You’ll get Nanacakes.”

“Why are you so industrious so early?” Tony whined into Bucky’s T-shirt.  He’d lost his jacket to the hotdog vendor.  To be fair, Tony’d lost both of his shirts and gained another from that old lady selling lucky cats.  

“If you want to survive, you learn to bribe Tasha.”

Tony perked up a bit in curiosity.  “Tasha will be coming here?”  He’d heard a great deal about this terrifying woman throughout the day.  

“Barton is still here and didn’t come home in 24 hours.  She’ll come hunting.  And we didn’t completely talk Clint out of adopting a living creature.”  He lazily pointed towards the dogpile.  “So, bribe.”

“Bribe,” Tony agreed sleepily.  He supposed he could get the divorce after meeting this woman.  Besides, after watching these two dodge every authority in the city, Tony really wanted to meet this woman who scared them both so much.