Chapter 10
A million needles marched on the spheres of her eyes. An army of miners were hacking away at her ears. Her skin was trying to tear itself open in the frigid air. The back of her nose was under siege by billions of different scents. Her tongue felt bruised with acute awareness of its position in her mouth. The onslaught had started off when they’d arrived in the mountains of Jabariland, but she’d ignored it, hoping against hope that it was merely exhaustion. With every step however, the feelings had intensified, and she had to desperately fight off the episode creeping up on her. Unfortunately, while trying to distract herself by questioning Namor on the way back to the Myna, the bastard just had to go and ask about it and she could no longer run from the myriad of sensations fighting for her attention.
All at once, the waves of pain she’d been pushing back crashed over her, screaming in their intensity. Pressing her fingers to her temples, she wondered if Namor would take offense to her summoning her suit and curling into a ball on the frozen ground. This is getting ridiculous, please Bast just let me go back to the way I was before. The command to summon the panther around her was halted before it began when suddenly the rumbling timbre of Namor’s voice rang out in front of her. “Princess. Allow me. Please.” The words, though whispered, echoed around her skull and nearly made her scream in pain with their volume.
All day, she’d been dealing with the Namor-centric anxiety to the point where she’d stopped noticing when it got worse or better. She registered a twinge of acute energy in her stomach just a second before his hands were on her, but with her split attention she still ended up freezing in place when his skin met hers. It was as though he had somehow found the mute button for her ears because the sounds threatening to split her head open tapered off the moment his fingers touched her. She hadn’t even realized her eyes were open again until she saw the sincerity in his gaze as he offered his hands to her. If you can make the sounds stay away, then by all means have at it. She let her eyelids fall once more and nodded, trying to avoid moving too much in the process.
The buzzing in her veins reached a fever pitch as she felt his warm hands hover just above her temples for a moment, then blissful silence. All the focused energy in her body dissipated the moment his fingers touched her head and that alone was enough for her, but then he started pressing and Bast please never stop. The soothing circles on either side of her head made her want to cry in relief. At once, her ears and eyes stopped hurting, and the awareness of her skin dulled down to almost nothing. A groan escaped her lips, but she’d given up her dignity as soon as she’d had her first episode in front of him anyways, so what did it hurt? The balm of his ministrations far outweighed the embarrassment of being so human in front of him.
Her muscles turned to liquid where she stood, a far cry from the usual tension she dealt with during these episodes. He is a god, no doubt about it. If he’s capable of this, then I need to study his healing capabilities; see if Wakanda can make any use of them. His body in front of hers was so warm and perfectly canceled out the chill of the mountain air blowing around them. Everything around her dropped away, leaving only the space where his hands met her head. She didn’t bother trying to stop herself from sighing in relief, the noises barely registering to her eternally grateful mind. What was I doing? Why was I in pain? She couldn’t remember, there was only the humming of relief flowing through her body. All too soon however, the magical hands moved away from her, and the tidal wave of overstimulation threatened to take hold of her once more. Fear forced a whimper from her. No, not yet, don’t go yet. Faintly, she registered a rough groan coming from the man in front of her, but she didn’t linger on the sound for long, more terrified that he was going to stop what he was doing.
Her hands moved quicker than she could think, stopping him from pulling away and leaving her alone with her pain. “Please. Just until it goes away.” Shame filled her as she spoke, nearly outweighing her desperation. But the promise of a painless moment was more enticing than anything else on the planet, and it seemed as though her plea was enough to convince the Feathered Serpent. The warmth in front of her increased and she heard the crunch of his feet shifting closer to her as his hands resumed their motions against her scalp. A contented sigh escaped her as the screaming in her head dulled once more and comfort took over instead.
Breathing deeply, she focused on the smell that surrounded her, a comforting beach breeze breaking through the snowy overtones of Jabariland. Her hands reached out, looking for something to ground herself to, and found the warm skin of his stomach. She felt his chest stutter in front of her, and briefly she realized how strange all of this was. But she could feel the episode receding so quickly. Faster than it ever had before. So she kept her fingertips against his skin, focusing only on the feeling of the smooth muscle under her touch. The sound of her breathing matched his, and his heartbeat raced alongside her own. Her eyelids slid open and found him looking right at her, head tilted down towards hers.
The fading light around his head was bright, but his eyes were dark like her own. The jade of his jewelry glinted at her, and she could see the rough edges of the carvings within them, clearly centuries old. Her eyesight was zooming out as she traced the details of his face, allowing her to see him only as a human should and not as a panther would. His fingers had not stopped rubbing circles against her head, and she was grateful for it. But her sense was coming back to her now, and her eyes widened as she realized exactly what the hell was happening.
Bast, this is wrong. He was standing closer to her than she had ever let any other before. His hands were so intimately framing her face and she realized with a start that she had been mindlessly tracing patterns on his skin as she thought. Awareness shook her into action, and she jumped away as gracefully as she could, spinning around so she didn’t have to face him. Clearing her throat, she asked Griot for a duration and was baffled at his answer. “4 minutes, princess.” Holy mother of- Shock tore through her at the reading. That was several times shorter than any other episode she had ever had. Forcing composure back into her system, she took a breath and turned to face the man behind her.
Namor was standing exactly where she’d left him, but now with his hands folded behind him and his face turned to examine the landscape to his left. Ah, right. I suppose this is awkward for both of us. A nagging at the back of her head told her to thank him, but the rest of her wanted to pretend as though nothing had happened. Damn. Curse mother for giving me good manners.
“Sorry. Or- rather, thank you. Again.” Her voice came out a little hoarse and she coughed, trying to force herself to make eye contact with the god-king instead of running away like a scared child. His eyes met hers and for a moment it seemed as though he wasn’t going to speak, he just stared at her with the most neutral expression she’d ever seen in her life.
“I do not like seeing you in pain. I take it that you are alright now?” His voice also came out hoarse, and she was glad she wasn’t the only one. Nodding to answer his question, her fingers fiddled with the threads of the bracelet on her right hand. “Do you need to eat then? We can part ways here if it is easier for you.” He spoke casually, at least. As though seeing her at her weakest and not thinking anything of it was a daily occurrence. Then again, this was the second day in a row he’d helped her through an episode, so for him maybe it was.
“Uhm, yes sorry I suppose I should go and eat. My apologies for cutting the tour off so abruptly. And for uh- well, that. I don’t mean to keep springing that on you.” Not to mention it makes things confusing for me. Namor shook his head though, a soft smile lighting his face.
“There is no need to apologize. I will happily lend my aid to the Panther whenever she needs it. That is how an alliance works, yes?” His tone was light and joking, but his eyes crinkled with a sincerity that she didn’t know what to do with. She found herself chuckling in response and turning back to continue walking to the Myna. Her internal Namor-compass told her that he was following a few paces behind. I should figure out what the hell all that’s about, anyways.
Reaching the ship in amicable silence, she turned to say something to Namor, but found herself uncomfortably at a loss. She was usually pretty good at filling silences, but something about the man beside her just threw her off and left her unbalanced. Now they stood staring at the sunset over Wakanda and despite wanting desperately to say something to take control of the situation, she found herself speechless in his presence. So instead, they stood there for several moments and watched the fiery sun set over the far reaches of her country.
His low murmur brought her out of her head, turning to watch him as he spoke. “The sunsets here… They are radiant in a way that my people do not know. Beautiful in a way only the surface can attain.” His gaze was fixed longingly in the distance, and she felt her heart clench in sympathy. The grass is always greener, isn’t it? She felt the same kind of awe when she laid eyes upon the sun of Talokan, knowing that her nation will never know the kind of unifying hope that sun represented for the Talokanil. Her brother was the closest thing Wakanda had to that beautiful sun, but he was gone now, set before his prime and leaving instead a foggy dusk in his wake. She felt like the moon, chasing after her brother’s brilliance, but only ever able to shine back the dull reflection of his light on her people and never her own glow.
Movement caught her eye, and she noticed Namor’s wings flexing on his ankles. Glancing back up to his face, she found his gaze on her, soft and understanding. “Thank you for showing me your lands, Princess. They are as beautiful as you. You should be very proud of the people you protect.” His hand reached for hers, and he lowered his forehead to press against her knuckles. Raising his head to look at her once more, his eyes roamed her face and a small grin stretched under his jade nosepiece. “I will be in touch. Take care of yourself, Panther.” Frozen to the spot, she watched him float up and fly off in the direction of the river compound. Silhouetted against the setting sun, he really did look like a god.
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“Shuri? What’s wrong, sister?” The soft voice called her back from her thoughts. She was seated in front of the grand windows of her lab and looking at the mag-trains again. She’d called Nakia to check up on her and Toussaint, but her mind was scattered, and it was difficult to concentrate on anything at the moment. Looking at the concerned face of her sister on the screen of her wrist, she felt a growing need to cry burning at the back of her eyes.
“I don’t know, Nakia. It’s all just wrong. I feel like no matter what I do, I’m just doing it wrong.” Her voice trembled as she spoke, not used to sharing matters so personal with anyone. But it was Nakia, and at this point she just really needed to talk to someone about everything in her head before she exploded. The war dog’s eyes softened on the hologram and her shoulders shifted off-screen.
“Oh, Shuri. What’s going on, Usisi? This is not like you to doubt and worry.” A watery laugh escaped her lips at that response, and she leaned her head against the cool glass in front of her.
“I felt them, Nakia. In the throne room when I first got here. I reached out to them for strength, and I felt them. They held me somehow, even though I know that scientifically that shouldn’t be possible. I thought that made it okay, that I was getting their blessing and I’d be able to move on easier. But today, I was showing Namor around Wakanda and I’ve never felt so small. We went to see all the tribes and talked among the people for hours and hours, but it all just felt so empty. I could see it in their eyes, sister. They wanted my brother, or my father, or my mother. And I could see their disappointment when it ended up just being me. My family is gone, and I know they always said that I would make a good ruler worthy of our tribe, but out there? It felt like I was more accepted by a foreign king than my own people. It’s all just so wrong and I hate it and I want them back because I can never be them.” Sobs broke out as she spoke, shaking her words and clouding her eyes with rivers of tears.
Crying hurt, and the hiccups that came with her sobs made breathing hurt. And thinking of her family hurt. Nakia’s voice, softer than silk and sweeter than honey, made her cry harder because all she wanted was to be held right now. “Shuri. Oh Shuri, you brave, brave girl. I’m so sorry I cannot be there for you right now. I can’t imagine the weight that you feel among the villages, and I am so sorry that you ever feel like you are not enough for them.” The twinkling sound of vibranium surrounded her and she realized that she had accidentally summoned the panther suit around herself in her sorrow. At least now the ambient sounds of her lab were blocked out.
“Shuri? Can you look at me?” Sniffling, she raised her eyes to stare at the visage of the war dog in front of her. “You said you felt them with you?”, came the inquisitive voice from her wrist. She nodded, and wished they would come to her again, but knew that they wouldn’t. That miracle was a one-time-only deal, she figured. “Sister, that is a beautiful and powerful gift, and I am overjoyed to know they found a way past Bast to get to you when you needed them.” Past Bast? She laughed weakly at the mental image of her family sneaking around the Panther Goddess to come see her. Like teenagers sneaking out of a house after the parents had gone to bed.
“I am too. But Nakia. I just- Why- How…” The words wouldn’t come for what she wanted to say. She tried again, pushing past the painful lump in her throat. “Father was the Earth, the very ground I walked on. Stable and sure when I needed help. Mother was the sky; the air I breathed. She soothed me when there was nothing else left. And T’Challa-”, the words choked off in her throat. She forced them out on a shaky sob. “T’Challa was the sun. The light that guided me through everything. Our people loved them. I loved them. How am I supposed to compare to them? How can I be the earth and the sky and the sun for our people? I followed after them in everything. Everything except science. But our people do not care for my technology, so what do I even have left to give them?”
By now, panic was rising in her with every word she spoke. She couldn’t stop crying and everything was spiraling away from her. Her breathing was ragged, and she didn’t want to be crying anymore. Nakia’s harsh tone cut through her thoughts before she could fully pull into herself, shocking her out of her panic.
“That’s horseshit, Shuri.” What? Blinking, she looked up at her sister. “Quit listening to those idiots from the past. The council has always minimized you down to only your accomplishments and it’s utter horseshit. You are more than your damn machines, sister. I know you want to fall back on what you’re good at right now, but for once, stop seeing yourself as a scientist. You’re human, sister. If you want to play with analogies, then fine we can play with analogies. If T’Challa was the sun, then you are the seasons. If Queen Mother was the sky, then you are the stars. If King T’Chaka was the Earth, then you are all the animals.”
The words coming through her beads weren’t computing in her head. Me? The stars? The seasons? The animals? A sigh came from Nakia as she continued speaking. “Love, forgive me for this, but your sister needs to hear it right now.” Is she talking to brother? “Shuri, do you know what your brother told me once? Right after your father passed?” Shakily, she shook her head no.
Sighing, Nakia spoke. “He told me he was jealous of you. And thankful for you all at once. You were always the most playful of us all. Your heart was always so free and open to anything. He was so jealous of the way you could always bounce back and brush everything off with a shrug of your shoulders. How you could always find passion and sympathy in anything, even if it wasn’t human. He told me you were the reason your mother stayed standing after the loss of your father. Your spirit and your joy were infectious to anyone around you, and it kept your mother standing long enough to recover herself. That was all you, Shuri. When the world got dark and serious, you were a fire for all of us, keeping us warm and alive.”
By now, the sobs had stopped, but tears continued pouring from her eyes. “He said that about me?” She hated how broken she sounded. Nakia looked up at her with soft eyes and the warmest smile.
“Yes, sister. He loved you for exactly who you are. He saw what we all did, what we all love you for. The council and the tribes have only ever known your exploits and accolades. They never got to know you as Shuri, only as the genius troublemaker princess. But sister, do not compare yourself to the memories of your family, not ever do you understand? Because in your shoes, not a single one of them would know how to bring the spirit of fun and wonder into this world in the same way you do. It is a crime that you were left alone as you were, but do not dare let your light be overshadowed by theirs. You are just as important and radiant as the rest of your family, and you’ve done that all on your own.”
The panther suit retracted back into her necklace as her tears turned to sniffles. “Have I ever told you how grateful I am that T’Challa got his head on straight and made you my sister?” Nakia smiled through the screen with a knowing grin.
“No, I think you should say it more, actually.” She laughed along with the war dog and forced herself to take deep breaths. The hologram shifted as Nakia turned to look at something behind her. “Damn, sounds like Toussaint’s up already. I’m sorry sister, I don't want to leave you here.” Shaking her head quickly, Shuri threw her right hand up and gestured for the other woman to go ahead.
“No, I understand, I’ll be okay. Go, take care of Toussaint. Thank you, for everything.” A soft smile and a bowed head were her reply. “I love you, Nakia.”
“Love you too, Shuri. Please, call me again whenever you need.” With a hum, the transmission ended, and it was just her again in the empty lab. A buzz from her wrist let her know of a reminder in Griot’s system for mineral supplement development, and she groaned. Standing up took a few seconds, considering how cramped she’d been sitting on the floor for the duration of the call. No rest for the wicked. Better develop that damn supplement before I have yet another embarrassing episode in front of Namor.
The thought of the Talokanil king sent a flood of confusing emotions through her brain that she tried to ignore. She called out to the room instead.
“Griot, begin compiling all known data about supplement development and applications.” An affirmative response was all she got in return, and she began eating the remaining sushi on the plate that she’d had ordered to Mount Bashenga hours ago. Eugh, gross. Note to self, don’t let sushi sit for three hours before eating. The sliminess was somehow worse, and it took her two full glasses of water to swallow down the rest of the food on the plate.
“Compiling complete, princess.”
Great, now let’s fix this stupid biosynthesis problem. In what was essentially routine for her at this point, she scanned all the information on her screens and began drafting solutions for her mineral problem within the hour. Even when solving a problem, her mind tended to wander, and she found herself zoned out to the sound of a racing heartbeat from earlier that day “Princess.” His voice was deep and smooth in her memory, and she flushed as she recalled their closeness that afternoon. Pushing aside the thoughts for a better time, like never, she forced her attention back on the printer in front of her and scanned herself for a trial run.
“Thank you for showing me your lands, Princess. They are as beautiful as you.”
Her mind and hands screeched to a grinding halt.
“They are as beautiful as you.”
Everything in her brain froze as she replayed the sentence again. Did he…? He called her beautiful. What? Wait. Huh? In all the rush of emotions, adrenaline, and embarrassment of the day, somehow she’d let that comment slip completely by her in the moment. Indignation rose in her at having missed that remark. How dare he? Did he think he could just sneak that by her and get away with it? Then again, he did technically get away with it. Oh Bast damn him, that sneaky feathered bastard!
Irritation filled her as she huffed and continued her work on the supplement. But even as she pushed thoughts of his words to the very back of her mind, one thing remained glaringly true at the forefront. No one has ever called me beautiful like that before.