Bucky should be out there right now, at the party, which is supposed to be the biggest party of the fall. He should be out there, with an arm around his best friend Steve, laughing about some stupid joke he made or anything else, really.
Instead Bucky is in the bathroom, hiding.
From what exactly? Steve‘s friends? All of those people out there is probably the most accurate answer.
You see, Bucky is more of an outcast in school or in general. The only reason why he‘s here is Steve, who always drags him to these kinds of events. Steve is definitely not like Bucky, not at all.
Steve is loud and outgoing, he likes to party, to talk to people and do all sorts of extrovert things.
He has the energy of a Golden Retriever puppy. Bucky doesn‘t know where he gets it from, but it made him fall in love with Steve.
Bucky would rather be in his room reading the new book he bought today or watch a movie in his bed, covered in two blankets, some fuzzy socks and a cup of hot chocolate, than be here for another hour.
Sometimes he asks himself how him and Steve are still best friends, when they‘re so different from each other. He can’t think of an answer, it just doesn’t make sense to him.
Bucky thinks he‘s too boring, too quiet, too much of a nerd and definitely not popular enough to be around people like Steve.
Of course he knows that popularity is just a construct of society which makes people seem less worthy, he is not stupid, thank you very much, but High School is High School. People who get along with everyone are called popular, people who don‘t, well they‘re called Bucky for example. Those fly under the radar, only have a few friends or in Bucky‘s case, one. Which is not a bad thing, but sometimes he asks himself what is wrong with him, why does no one want to be friends with him?
They probably think he‘s a loner, maybe they think he‘s a stoner or just- Bucky doesn‘t know what they think but there has to be a reason why they don‘t like him. Which leads us back to Bucky in the bathroom. He‘d rather fake pee than stand awkwardly or pretend to check a text on his phone, trying to avoid conversations with people who don‘t even like him.
Right now Steve is probably replacing him with a newer, cooler version of him. Sam Wilson for example or Natasha Romanov. She‘s scary and Bucky feels very intimidated by her. Sam is a really cool guy or at least he seems like it, he is very outgoing and friends with everyone, just like Steve. So yes, they are definitely better options than Bucky.
Little does Bucky know that Steve noticed he had been gone for quite some time. He told Steve he‘d only be outside for a second and get another drink. Steve was getting worried now, he tells Sam he would be right back and made his way outside, but he doesn‘t find Bucky there. He was also not in the kitchen. Steve heads back to the living room area and checks his phone for any messages from Bucky or missed calls, but he was greeted with nothing. He dials Bucky‘s number, but he doesn’t pick up.
Meanwhile somebody had knocked on the bathroom door. Bucky shouts a quick “Just a sec!“ and takes a look in the mirror. His eyes are red from his tears of desperation. If someone asked, he‘d just blame it on weed or something in his eye.
The knocking got louder, Bucky threw some water on his face and dried it with a random towel he found. Then he took a deep breath and opened the door, fully expecting it to be Steve but instead he is faced with Natasha Romanov. She quickly scans his face and looks a bit concerned, even.
“James, right?“ she asks.
“It‘s Bucky actually, only my mother calls me James.“ Bucky says trying to sound confident.
“Bucky?“ she watches at him and he confirms it with a nod. “Are you alright? Your eyes are pretty red.“
“Y-yeah I‘m alright. Just something in my eye.“ Dammit Barnes, you can‘t lie for shit.
“You‘re a shitty liar. Did you cry?“
“Even if I did why would I tell you?“ he snaps.
“Pump the hate brakes, I just want to know if you‘re okay. ’Think you could tell me what‘s going on?“ she sounds sincere. When he nods in defeat, she closes the door behind her and they sit down on the rim of the bathtub.
“Do you ever feel like you don‘t belong here?“ Bucky blurts out and fiddles with his fingers, waiting for an answer. Natasha has a surprised expression on her face, but she quickly schools her expression.
“Sometimes I do, yes.” It‘s Bucky‘s turn to be surprised, how can someone like Natasha feel like she doesn‘t belong?
He must have said it out loud without noticing because she tells him, “Of course I feel out of place sometimes. Doesn‘t everyone? Yes, I might be around the ’popular’ people, but only because I‘m friends with Steve, Sam and Clint. Otherwise I wouldn‘t be here. And I actually don‘t really want to be here at the moment, I‘m really craving some fresh air to be honest. I feel like you could use some, too.“
Can she read his mind? She has to be some sort of witch or superhero.
“Maybe I can read your mind, maybe I‘m very attentive or you should stop speaking your thoughts out loud.“, she shrugs, “But you looked a bit uncomfortable in the living room earlier, so if you want to get out of here, the offer stands.“
She stands up and opens the door, she throws a look over her shoulder to see if Bucky is following her lead. Bucky weights his options. He could stay here until Steve finds him or he could leave now with a girl who intimidates him but is able to get him out of here.
He choses the second option, desperate to finally get away.
They walk through the house, passing groups of drunk people, who are laughing and talking, some are dancing.
Bucky wishes he had it as easy as them.
Just being able to speak your thoughts and laugh without overthinking everything you want to do or say.
When they finally stand outside Bucky takes a deep breath of the cool night air, before Natasha drags him to her car.
“Where are we going?“ he asks.
“Are you hungry?“
“Well yes, but still, where are we-?“
Natasha gifts him a smile and turns the music up.
They stop at a diner, which Bucky has never seen before. It is small and empty, given the time. There is a pastel blue ‘24/7 open‘ sign in the window and the interior seems to have same colour, Bucky thinks it is cute.
“Choose what you want, it‘s on me.“ Natasha tells him, as they step inside and her look tells him not to argue. So he does what he is told and orders a burger with a side of fries and a vanilla milkshake. Natasha orders chocolate chip pancakes and a strawberry milkshake.
They sit in the corner, the furthest away from the door, facing each other.
They don‘t say a word while waiting for their food and when it is brought to them, they eat in silence.
After the meal Bucky speaks up.
“So, uh, thanks I guess. You do this often, like paying for people‘s food even if you don‘t know them?“
“Nah, only did it because you seem chill, I like you. You‘re not as loud as my other friends.“
“You like me? We never even talked before today.“
“But I know Steve and he has a good taste in friends. Example A.“, she gestures to herself with a smile, which makes Bucky smile as well.
“So how come you were at the party, Bucky? It doesn‘t really seem like your scene, especially after I found you in the bathroom.“
“It‘s not“ he chuckles “Steve always drags me to those parties.“
“And why don‘t you tell him, you don‘t want to go?“
“Because it‘s Steve I just can‘t say no to him.“
“Does that have anything to do with the massive crush you have on him?“, she asks casually, watching him innocently while taking a sip of her half empty milkshake. Bucky nearly spits out his own drink.
“What?!“ He isn‘t sure if he heard correctly, he can’t be that obvious about it. Or at least that‘s what he thought.
“You heard me. You have a crush on Steve, don‘t you?“ she smirks.
“Even if I do, that‘s really non of your business.“ he grabs his jacket and slides out of the vinyl bench, but Natasha stops him.
“Hey Bucky, stop. Stay. I won‘t tell him, I just noticed the lovey-dovey look in your eyes when you‘re watching him do literally anything. I only wanted to know if you really have crush on him. I‘m not mad or anything, I‘m a lesbian, if that helps.”
It kind of does and Bucky slips back into his seat, sighing in defeat and pressing his face in his hands, because his face was probably the darkest shade of red it has ever been.
“I don‘t look at him all ‘lovey-dovey‘.“ he mumbles into his hands, but she still understands him.
“But you do-o.“ she sings.
Bucky lifts his head and looks her in the eyes. He doesn‘t know what to say, because she is probably right.
“Don‘t worry I won‘t tell Steve or anyone for that matter. Secret keeping is my speciality.“ she mimics to zip her mouth closed and throws away the imaginative key. For some reason Bucky trusts her.
“Thank you. Steve doesn‘t even know I‘m gay yet. I don‘t know how he‘d react to having a gay best friend.“
Natasha send a look of pity in his direction.
“Yeah, I get it, but I don‘t think Steve would hate you for basically being who you are.“
They fall into silence after her words. Bucky is lost in his thoughts while they finish their milkshakes, until Natasha tells him she‘ll drive him home.
The drive to Bucky‘s house is just as quiet as the drive to the diner, but the atmosphere is definitely not as awkward as before. When they arrive, Bucky thanks Natasha again. She tells him to call her Nat, says it was no problem and they should do this again sometime.
Bucky opens the front door and steps inside. His parents and his sister are probably asleep, it has to be around two in the morning. He goes upstairs, changes into his sleeping shirt and boxers and brushes his teeth before burying himself under his sheets.
As he lays in his bed, Bucky recalls the conversation from earlier.
Should he tell Steve, that he‘s gay? Is Nat right about Steve? Would he be cool about it?
With those thoughts Bucky closes his eyes and falls asleep.
In the morning Bucky wakes up around 11 am. He charges his phone, because the battery ran out last night.
When it is charged enough, he turns it on to see about 20 messages and 5 missed calls from Steve.
‘Buck, are you still outside?’
‘Buck, where are you?’
‘I‘m assuming your phone is dead since you‘re not answering my calls. But I‘m coming over tomorrow to see if you‘re okay.’
Bucky just wanted to answer when he realises- wait a minute he‘ll come over?
In that moment the door bell rings and Winnifred, Bucky‘s mother, calls him from downstairs.
“James, Steve‘s here!“ He hears footsteps coming up the stairs and then there is a knock on his door.
“Come in!“ he tells Steve and notices he was still in his sleeping shirt and boxers.
Steve, of course, looks as gorgeous as usual. He is wearing blue jeans, a white shirt and his brown leather jacket.
“Hey Buck, you look like you just woke up.” Steve grins as he takes of his jacket and Bucky is definitely not looking at his muscular arms.
Steve throws the jacket over the chair at Bucky‘s desk and flops down on Bucky‘s bed, so his feet are still on the floor and his front his facing the ceiling.
“More or less, yes. I just saw your messages. My phone was dead and Natasha gave me a ride home.“
“Natasha? I didn‘t know you guys were friends.“ Steve says with a hint of surprise in his voice.
“Well we weren‘t friends until last night. We went to a diner called ’Baby Blues‘ or something. The whole interior was pastel blue and the food was amazing. Talking with Natasha was refreshing, I would say.“ Bucky says excitedly.
“So was it like a date, ’you got a crush on her?“ Steve asks curiously.
“Oh god, no!“ Bucky laughs out loud and Steve shoots him a confused look, one eyebrow raised.
Should he tell Steve now? It would be a good timing now.
“Why are you laughing?“ Steve watches him curiously.
‘Okay Barnes, you can do this.’ Bucky thinks.
“I would never go on a date with Nat, nevertheless have a crush on her. I‘m gay, Steve.“
There is a beat of silence between them, then Steve speaks up
“And uh since when do you know you‘re gay?“
“Since I met you.“ Oh fuck. He doesn‘t mean to blurt it out. His mouth was faster than his brain. Dammit Barnes, mission abort! Leap out of the window or drown yourself in the toilet.
“What?“ Steve asks, looking like a deer in headlights.
“I know I‘m gay since I‘ve met you about 6 years ago, Stevie. I‘m sorry if this destroys our friendship but I had to say it or I would just explode! If you want to leave now, feel free to go.“ Bucky exclaims and pulls his covers over his head. He doesn‘t want to see his best friend of 6 years leave, because he can‘t control his feelings.
Steve seems to shake off the shock, with a quick shake of his head. He has to act quickly.
“Buck, could you please come out.“ he says and tries to pull the sheets away from Bucky.
“No, I don‘t need to be humiliated by you.“
“I‘m not here to humiliate you. Buck, could you please just listen to me? You don‘t have to come out from under the sheets, but I need you to listen to me, okay?“ They stay silent for a moment and Steve takes it as his chance to speak.
“You know, six years ago I met someone who changed my life. It was some 12 year old boy who I was mad at, because he defended my scrawny ass against two boys much bigger than me.“ he chuckles a bit.
“I remember telling him I can get by on my own and he told me, I don‘t have to. He didn‘t even know me then and still insisted that he'd protect me.
When I was around 13 and he was 14, him and I were best friends already. I had gotten myself into a fight again, he found me beaten up in an alley and took me home with him. He cleaned my wounds and he did it with such care, trying not to hurt me and I think that was the moment I noticed I had a crush on him.“
At that Bucky shoves the covers off his face and stares at Steve with surprise in his eyes.
“What?“ Bucky exclaims but Steve ignores him and continues.
“We grew closer over the years. Many sleepovers, sharing each others beds because I got cold easily when I was small and scrawny until I hit my growth spurt at 16 and I finally began to grow some muscle. I was no longer skinny, little Steve, I could defend myself, I got ‘popular’ if you want to call it that.
But I still stayed friends with the boy I met years ago, because I need him.
I could never leave him, even though he thinks I will leave eventually. It makes me sad, how low he thinks of himself, because in my opinion he‘s the most handsome and intelligent guy I‘ve ever met. He feels like he doesn‘t belong anywhere, but he let‘s himself be dragged to every party I invite him to, even when he‘d rather stay at home and watch a movie, covered in dozens of blankets.
I realised how much I love him. He stuck around when I was sickly and barely weighting 90 pounds and he stuck around when I finally got as tall and fit as him. He was always fit but he just grew into a handsome young man and I can‘t take my eyes off of him, not then, not now. We always understood each other without words, but somehow we couldn‘t communicate our feelings right, which brings us here.“
Bucky is stunned. He has tears in his eyes and throws his arms around Steve‘s neck, he just sobs. He always thought Steve would never like him like that. He thought he couldn‘t stand chance against all those pretty girls surrounding Steve on a daily basis.
The way Steve just admitted his feelings to him, makes him realise why he loves Steve so much and why he fell in love with him. He is such a kind-hearted, lovely guy, who could have everyone in the world, but he chooses Bucky.
“Hey Buck, are you okay?“ Steve pulls away to inspect Bucky‘s face, but Bucky only buries his head in Steve‘s chest and whispers to him.
“I never thought I‘d have a chance with you, punk. I was pining so hard for 6 years, trying to hide my feelings, when we could‘ve had this earlier if we just spoke up. I was so scared to ruin our friendship and I couldn‘t imagine my life without you, Stevie.“
Steve places a kiss on Bucky‘s head and pulls him even closer, he wants to keep him in his arms forever.
“I can‘t imagine my life without you either, jerk. I love you.“
“I love you, too.“