Ghosts of the Past
(Ermen's POV)
"Good morning, my name is Chief Daniel Sousa of the Strategic Scientific Reserve."
For more than a few hours, these words has been ringing in my brain and I've been feeling a whirlwind of emotions. I should feel nothing more than red hot anger. After all, didn't he abandon me to my stupid father and passive mother? During his time in the war, did he even address a letter for me personally? I should and want to feel angry at my entire family, from my father, my mother, all my brothers and my sisters and even at my clueless extended family.
At least, I know why his voice and face is so familiar and foreign to me at the same time. Awhile ago, I couldn't understand why, how and even who. Was he someone I've met at work, a neighbor at my apartment or a fellow parishioner at Church? It didn't even occur to me that this Daniel Sousa was my brother, Daniel Sousa from the family I've escaped long ago. Was I too engrossed in work, was time making me forget them or did I deliberately refuse to acknowledge him?
I never think of the family and the life I've left behind often but I sometimes do. It just feels that I'm betraying everything that I built with blood, sweat and tears and being ungrateful for every opportunity I was given. When I do however, even if it hurts to admit, I like to think about my brother Daniel and reminisce about all the happy moments we spent together. To be fair and in that entire family, he was the only one who respected me and treated me as his equal. As one of my many brothers who fought in the war, I also liked to wonder where he was, what he was doing and if he survived the war.
So when he introduced himself to me as the chief of the Strategic Scientific Reserve here, I hate admitting this but I was glad and relieved. My beloved brother survived the war, made a name for himself and is successful. I could not be prouder. But wait, why did I even call him 'my beloved brother'? Ermen, you are supposed to be angry at him for abandoning you when you needed him the most. Ermen, this is not what you are supposed to feel.
Breathe in...
Breathe out...
If there's anything I feel right now, it's torn. I want to be angry at my family, especially my father, for everything they did to me and all the hardships, suffering and pain I endured because of them. Truth be told, I never wanted to leave them and New York. My plans in life did not include escaping out on a plane to the other part of the country where I knew nothing about and being homeless and hungry for one long night. My future plans also did not include working at a factory for 2 long years, and spending nights at the local library to read and find college scholarship opportunities.
On the other side, I honestly feel happy, relieved and thankful that I got to see my brother again. After all, this means he survived the war, built a career for himself outside of the military and is picking up the bits and pieces of his life interrupted and destroyed by the war. My only point of concern is that I saw him use crutches, and from the looks of it, a wooden leg. Did battle injure him like that so badly? From the looks of it, the answer is a resounding yes.
I realize that my attitude toward them all changed in an instant after briefly reuniting with him. Of course, the last thing I will ever do is to go back to New York and my family. There must be a boundary between us and an acknowledgement of all the harm they have done to me. Also, I'm very much sure that I'm already disowned and that they equally want nothing to do with me. But what about Daniel; does he still care about me?
I quickly realize I should not let my anger, hurt, pain and memories of all the hardships I endure be a barrier if and when Daniel wants to reestablish our familial bond. I honestly know him inside out since he was the sibling I was closest to and just a few years older than me in age. I promise to myself that if he reaches out, I'll accept him back wholeheartedly into my life. I want to believe that he will not betray me, hurt me or force me back into the life I gave away. I desperately want to believe that he still loves and cares for me the way an older brother would for a younger sister.
I also want to know if he recognized me from our reunion awhile ago. I like to think that he did so even if I'm no longer using my true surname 'Sousa.' Even just thinking upon the name right now feels foreign and different; it feels like staring at an old used notebook or a blouse I don't use anymore. But on a different thought, even the surname 'Carreira' doesn't feel like it's me; it feels like claiming ownership of an item you know in your heart that it isn't yours. Even as you go about your day using it, a small thought reminding it isn't and never will be yours echoes in your brain.
Another thing that dawned on me is that I have to maintain my distance from Daniel. I'm not doing this because of my feelings or my work but because I also feel guilty. I know my sudden departure and flight might have deeply wounded him and I don't want to hurt him anymore. My conscience wouldn't let me. I shall just wait for the day when all is healed.