Morgan was so small when she was born. Pepper holds her in her arms, and she doesn’t cry nor make much noise at all. She smiles at two weeks old and captivates both Tony and Pepper entirely. She’s their child after all. She has Pepper’s nose and Tony’s eyes. Pepper’s temperament and almost Tony’s sense of humour. We’d have to see that when she grows up.
Peter feels like he’s watching from behind the glass.
He doesn’t know where he fits now. He’s not Tony’s son but he’s something like that. Right? Ever since Germany – and all they went through since that – they’ve been close. Maybe Peter’s just imagining things, but he’s been invited to the lab a lot and he has his room in the cabin rather than staying in a spare. But ... now he has his own child. He had his daughter to shower in his love and make room for.
In a sense – was he just the ‘trial’ before the real thing?
Morgan was now six months old. Peter had met her once and had seen Tony only twice since then. Great ‘dad’ he was... though Peter’s treacherous heart still loved him too much even though it was obvious he had moved on.
Peter huffs as he steps into the living room where May’s making dinner. He loves her with his whole being and she’s just as important to him as Tony is. It’s sort of selfish to want more when he’s already got her, but his head can’t help it.
He tilts his head when he sees her tucking on a coat and there’s only one plate on the table.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“Happy and I have a date, remember?” she smiles.
Peter does. He loves that they’re back together because he adores Happy and the fact that he makes her so happy. So – of course – he’s ecstatic they’re out doing things but his head can't help but scream – ‘see? She’s leaving you too. Just wait until they have a kid. Then who will you have?’. He tries to hide it. He bites his lip and nods as he sits down at the table and stares down at the sausage and mashed potato she made.
“Yeah – yeah. Sorry,” he says. He manages to force a smile on his face.
May sees right through him. She frowns as she walks up to him and places a hand on his shoulder. “What’s up?” she sighs. When Peter doesn’t respond she taps her fingers on his jaw gently and clicks her tongue. They make eye contact and Peter feels so stupid that he’s got tears in his eyes. Her eyes turn serious as she kneels beside him. “Pete? Baby – what’s going on?”
“N-nothing.”
May sighs. “Darling – you can’t lie to me,” she says. She grabs her phone out of her pocket. “I’ll tell Happy that I can’t make it,” she says, beginning to shrug off her coat.
Peter shakes her head. “No, no – don’t do that. I’m fine. Honestly,” he says. He’s not going to ruin her evening by being upset over nothing. It’s only been a few months since he’s seen Tony. He’ll probably go over there soon... It’s fine. He’s just being dramatic. When she looks at him with a tight jaw and clearly unsure – he takes her hand and squeezes it. “I’m okay. I’ll just ask Ned to come over. Is that okay?”
“Of course,” May nods. Her phone buzzes. Peter assumes that’s Happy saying he’s here, so it’s good she didn’t have to cancel as he would’ve come all the way out here for no reason. Although, he’s sure he wouldn’t have been too angry.
May kisses him on the cheek and leaves, taking her bag and shutting the door behind her to leave Peter alone with his thoughts. He feels weirdly empty as he eats his dinner. Placing the plate in the sink after he’s done, he doesn’t bother to wash it - he doesn’t feel as if he has the energy to do so.
Sitting on the sofa, he grabs his phone and opens up his text messages with Ned. He wanted to have someone over to keep his mind busy and he hadn’t seen Ned since Friday afternoon – it now being Saturday evening. He knew he’d see him on the upcoming Monday for school but he did miss him! And he wanted the company too.
Peter 7:01 PM: Hey, man. May’s on a date with Happy. Do you want to come over?
Nothing came back – but then it had only been ten minutes at this point. Peter placed his phone on his chest as he led back on the sofa and watched the ceiling. He hummed under his breath as he tried to think of a way to get out of his slump.
It was normal to feel like this. It’s not like this was a problem. Everyone got sad now and again. He took a deep breath because he felt like he needed it. Inside his stomach, it felt like there was a rope and that with every second another knot was tied. He felt so incredibly claustrophobic in the space around him. He was now sweating even though it was so cold and his phone was getting the ride of its life as it went up and down – and then up and down again and again on his chest.
Fifteen minutes after Peter sent the message his phone finally buzzed.
Ned 7:16 PM: Sorry! I can’t tonight. Mom’s got her book club over... they’re making me join in. Apparently, I don’t appreciate Jane Austin enough. They’ve moved onto ‘Emma’ now and they’re making me read it. UGH.
Ned 7:17 PM: Don’t tell anyone I said this but it’s so good...
Ned had plans. That was cool. Sure, it was his mom’s book club and Peter didn’t even want to be there but what if he was lying? He wouldn’t lie about that. He probably wasn’t out partying with their whole school laughing about how Peter actually thinks they’re best friends...
If he was, Peter would almost respect the commitment he had to prank him for this many years.
He was being stupid...
He sent back a text saying something like ‘no worries’ and put his phone on the coffee table. He groaned. He didn’t feel like watching TV or YouTube like he usually did and his games console (which was collecting dust on his bookcase) didn’t look too appealing either.
He wondered what Tony was doing right now.
Probably singing baby songs to Morgan. Probably enjoying every second of his day because he’s a real dad now and he doesn’t have to pretend to like it. He’s passed the ‘tutorial’. There’s no use in coming back to it.
Peter throws one of the pillows on the floor out of frustration. He storms back into his room and forgets his strength. The door nearly comes off its hinges but he doesn’t care. He grabs his suit from the side even though he, May, and Tony had agreed he would take Saturdays off so he didn’t overdo himself. He also agreed to a midnight curfew on the days he did go out (which was also limited to three times a week).
Peter could easily bet Steve Rogers didn’t have these restrictions. He could go out throwing his shield around whenever he wanted to. Sure, he was an adult and Tony didn’t have that kind of jurisdiction over him anyway but if Tony wanted to pretend that he didn’t exist then Peter could do the same with the rules.
A little bit of teenage rebellion never hurt, right?
Peter pulled on his mask.
“Hello, Peter!” Karen’s familiar voice rang in his ears. Even though she was so monotone, Peter couldn’t help but give her a personality. For example, her greeting was full of sunshine and love – and utter passion that Peter was here and she had someone to talk to. Then – when she realised the day and her programming kicked in that Peter shouldn’t be here – she sounded like a disappointed parent. “May I remind you that today is Saturday? As per our rules that means you should not be in the suit today. If you are tracked outside then I have no choice but to notify Mr Stark.”
Peter rolled his eyes. When he did, a little shock came out of the suit and made him jump at least two meters in the air. “Ouch! What the hell?!”
“I can sense every movement that you do, Peter. I have been told by Tony to make sure you know that ‘rolling your eyes’ is not a good thing to do – especially if it was associated with him and his programming.”
Peter would roll his eyes again but he quite liked not being shocked and Peter wondered if the voltage would increase with every misdemeanour like it was the Milgrim experiment. Peter sat on the side of his bed as he pulled on the rest of the suit. Luckily he knew his suit like the back of his hand by how long he had it. There was a button on the left side of his arm. It was stitched in – quite shoddily compared to the rest of the suit like it was a last-minute thing – that let Peter override his curfew in case of emergency. It worked only by fingerprint meaning an accidental brush wouldn’t activate it.
“Peter? Is everything okay? What sort of emergency is it? Would you like me to contact any of the other Avengers? Or the police?”
“No – no! No- it’s fine. I just heard something down the street – it’s an, um, house fire. Lots of people burning alive right now as we speak so – uh – gotta go!” he shouts, before pushing his window open and climbing out of it. He left the window slightly open so he could get back in.
When he could swing through the city – it felt like all his worries melted away with the brush of the wind. To him, this was better than therapy. Although, he had never been even if Tony tried his best to get him to. So – really – he couldn’t exactly back his claims. But it felt good and that’s what he needed right now.
He spent the night stopping crime and ignoring his thoughts when he realised it had passed 3 AM.
Shit.
May had to be home by now and she’d see the plate in the sink. He would usually always put his stuff away (yeah, he was a good kid). She’d see him not in bed. His phone was just left on the coffee table. Then she’d see his bedroom window open. In fact, she’d probably feel it as she walked into the room. Their apartment didn’t have the best heating anyway – but with the window wide open it would’ve felt like a snowstorm had passed in there.
Peter, however, didn’t rush to get home.
He went and climbed the tallest building in the city and sat on top of it as he watched the skyline. Only a few lights were on – those party animals who were still up lighting a few rooms up in the distance – and Peter felt so... small. All these lives out there ... and they had no idea about his and his problems just like he didn’t know theirs.
It shouldn’t be an issue but it makes Peter panic.
But it makes him feel so inconsequential. If he passed – if he fell off this building right now – there would only be a few people that mourned him. The random people he passes on the street wouldn’t have a clue. All they’d realise is the sudden disappearance of Spider-Man because that’s all he was. Plus – everyone that he loved with all his being would eventually move on. Tony had Morgan now. Ned had his family and another best friend in MJ (and vice-versa). May would probably get hit the hardest but she did have Happy too and what’s to say they couldn’t adopt a kid?
Before his mind went places he didn’t want it to go – he heard the mechanical noise of the Iron Man suit flying above him. He looked up. If he didn’t know any better, it looked like a bird of prey. He circled a few times until it looked like he spotted Peter – to which he dived down and landed beside him in seconds.
Peter suspected it was an empty suit. He knew Tony was probably controlling it with a headpiece as he held Morgan in his arms. Once he was done with this, he’d go back to doting on her. Once he had made May feel calm enough that Peter was alive, it would be a success.
Peter didn’t say anything... unusual as it was for him.
“Not going to tell me why you’re out here?” Tony said.
Tony was still stood up in the suit – not even bothering to make it sit beside Peter to give him an ounce of comfort and familiarity. No, he went straight for the offence like he needed to get this over and done with. Peter felt like the rope in his stomach was now being pulled. He pulled off the mask before he threw up in it – not wanting to go through the effort of washing that.
“Why do you care?” Peter asked.
He immediately felt bitterness towards Tony and he couldn’t keep that from spilling into his voice. He surprised even himself. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked back out at the skyline. He noticed there were at least three more lights on. As he blocked out Tony’s presence, he tried to think of reasons why they’d be awake.
“Sorry – what’s happening here?” Tony said. The suit opened and Peter couldn’t hide his shock when Tony stepped out of it. He left it there as he sat beside Peter. He looked at him weirdly. Peter couldn’t quite comprehend how he was feeling. “The angst is a bit much, Pete. Look – you’re going to get wrinkles if you keep frowning like that.”
Peter rolled his eyes. He felt a slight shock once more but he didn’t respond to it. He didn’t even let his eyes flick over to Tony. If he tried hard enough he could pretend that he wasn’t there.
“Seriously, what’s up? You’re not yourself.” Tony said. He nudged him once, trying to be playful. Peter wanted so badly to tell him to shut up and leave him alone but he knew it was useless to do so. There wasn’t anyone as stubborn as Tony Stark and telling him to shut up only entices him to speak even more. “...Peter. May was worried sick.”
“So?”
“So? That’s all you’re going to say? You think it’s okay that you made your Aunt almost sick with worry? She thought you could’ve been kidnapped – that someone found out your identity.” Tony said. His voice is louder now – and agitated. His frown lines are more pronounced as he doesn’t look as patient as he was when he got here. Peter had seen this side of Tony before when it came to the Avengers – especially during team bonding days – but Peter had never been its recipient before. “You didn’t even bring your phone. You always have your phone on you."
"Don’t act like you know everything about me,” Peter said. He got up and grabbed his mask. He wanted this to be over now. He didn’t want to see Tony because it just reminded him that he didn’t care about him anymore. “I’m going to apologise to her now, I’ll see you – well, yeah – bye,” he said, going to pull his mask on.
“Hey!” Tony said. He took Peter’s hand and pulled it back. The mask dropped in between them. “No. We’re not leaving it like this. What the hell is going on with you, Peter? I don’t like this side of you.”
Peter shook his head. His voice had failed him. If he spoke, he felt like he would collapse into tears with a single syllable. He didn’t want to look at Tony but his fingers were cupping his jaw and forcing him to move his head. Tony did look worried but he had always been a good actor. Peter bit his lip. He still didn’t say anything.
“Please tell me what’s up, kid. I’m going out of mind here,” he said. He let go of Peter’s jaw slowly.
Did he want to act like the caring dad after being gone for this long? Peter felt like his explanation was trapped. He just shrugged. He didn’t know what to say or if Tony would even care enough to hear it. But he was here ... that meant something, right?
“... I guess – uh – no, sorry. It’s stupid.”
“Peter,” Tony said. He sat a little closer and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Peter, even though his head told him he was angry at Tony, let his heart control him as he leaned his head against Tony’s shoulder like he used to. “Nothing you could say, or have ever said, is stupid. Tell me. Please.”
“I don’t feel like I’m wanted much anymore,” Peter said.
“What?” Tony said, his voice soft and quiet and full of disbelief. He squeezed Peter just a bit tighter. Peter felt Tony’s heart rate – its soft rhythm grounding him as his own heart sped up. He didn’t like conflict – didn’t like having his fears put on ‘blast’. He didn’t know how to act or how to feel and now Tony was looking at him like he had just said the most heart-wrenching thing possible. “Not wanted? You gotta be kidding, Pete. Everyone I know wants to steal you from me. You’re like my little golden medal – you have to know that, right?”
Peter didn’t – in fact – know that. Nor did he believe him. Nobody fought over his attention and Tony certainly hadn’t valued it in the last six months. Peter shook his head. Yet, he stayed in Tony’s grip. He liked it. He could pretend that what Tony was saying was true.
“...You don’t believe me,” Tony says. He moved so that Peter was out of his hold and they were face to face. Tony’s gaze was soft and broken. He was holding Peter’s hands and staring at him so deeply that it felt like he was being watched from every angle. “You really don’t believe me, huh? Why not? Have I done something to make you think otherwise? Tell me, kid – because if I have, I gotta know. Because you mean everything and more to me and Pepper, to the entire Avengers too. You even have Happy wrapped around your finger ... even if he’d never admit to it.”
“Stop it,” Peter said. He closed his eyes. If he saw nothing then he wouldn’t have to see Tony’s lies. When he looked into his eyes, it made everything seem so much more real. He had to stop that.
“Stop what?”
“Stop lying!” Peter said. He tucked into himself until he looked more like a ball than a human – his knees into his chest and his head resting on his legs. “I know you don’t want me around anymore but do you have to keep stringing me on like this? It’s cruel! Just admit that you don’t – that you don’t care because you have your kid now and I’m just the weird kid you pretended to care for to make you realise you could have your own. Now she’s here and I’m just the scraps and you don’t have to pretend – you don’t – “ he started crying and shaking as all his emotions came out. The knot in his stomach was undone.
Tony was silent for a while and Peter felt more and more guilty and ashamed underneath his stare. How could he act like this when Tony had been telling him his dreams of Morgan since she was just a line on a stick? Yeah – it hurt him that he wasn’t Tony’s kid anymore... but to yell at him because he loved his actual kid was selfish and stupid.
“I’m sorry – I – “ Peter panicked. His hands started to shake.
Tony still didn’t say anything – only watching him with a struck face.
“I’ll just – sorry,” Peter got to his feet and grabbed his mask. As he turned around to swing away, he felt two arms wrapping around him. Was Tony ... okay? He could sniffle in his ear but he knew Tony wasn’t crying – he told him once he was way too repressed for that to happen so this was as close as he could get.
“I love you, kid,” Tony whispered.
Peter shook his head – he wanted this to be over.
“You are ever as much my kid as Morgan is – I don’t care about ‘blood’ or whatever – you are my kid. Through and through,” he told him. He leaned back and grabbed him by the shoulders. His expression was stern and slightly panicked like Peter was slipping through his fingers and he was desperate to keep him still. “Did you know that having you around was the reason I even thought I’d be good enough to be a dad?”
Peter didn’t. He bit his lip as tears pooled in his eyes once again. “N-No.”
“Well, you were. You – Peter – are my kid. I know we haven’t seen each other much lately but having a baby is very time-consuming and I’m very sorry for that. Okay? I’ll make sure to get you over to the cabin more or we’ll come over to you. But just because I’m gone don’t you ever think that I do not care for you. I love everything about you and I always will. Fuck – kid – everyone does. Everybody is so jealous that we’re so close, that I get to gloat about you. You are mine as you are May’s – and I am yours just like I am Morgan’s too.”
Peter let his head collapse on Tony’s shoulder as he sobbed on it. Tony put his hand on Peter’s back and rubbed it gently. He kissed the side of Peter’s head as he took a deep breath and swayed to try and calm him down.
“I’m sorry that I haven’t been here for you,” he said.
“No, it’s okay,” Peter said, sniffing. He didn’t sound convincing, but he was telling the truth- his head had just got to him.
“It’s not. You are my kid too, Pete, but I know I’ve been too focused on Morgan right now to not even realise you’ve been hurting,” Tony said. He kept him in their embrace and sighed. Peter felt his heart rate against Tony’s own. “That’s going to change. Believe me. I’m not ever going to let you feel like you don’t matter again.”