Chapter 18
Matt's arm was wrapped around my waist as both of us leant against the large island in Marci and Foggy's new kitchen in their new apartment. Matt, Karen, Ezra, and I had come over to help them unload their moving truck this Friday evening and to help them unpack a few boxes. We had ordered some pizzas–the official food of moving in, as Foggy announced–and drank down a few beers standing around their island counter for the past hour.
I couldn't stop beaming the entire time we'd all been here together. Matt would randomly grab me whenever one of us passed the other while we were either moving boxes or unpacking them, drawing me in for a kiss and whispering sweet words into my ear. Being among our friends and being together had felt so right. I'd spent so long pushing down my feelings for him and telling myself nothing would ever happen that it occasionally felt surreal being able to kiss him openly in front of our friends.
And after we'd finally had sex last week, we had certainly been enjoying that more often. Sex with Matt was indescribable; he was the most attentive partner I'd ever had and he truly gained pleasure from giving pleasure, which was not something I'd been used to. And the things that man could do with his hands and his mouth left me breathless.
"Look at us," Foggy said, his voice drawing me back to the present as his eyes scanned everyone around the island. His arm was wrapped over Marci’s shoulder as he smiled wide. "Somehow our little group is back together and we are all weirdly dating."
"Never thought I'd see the day Ez got his head out of his ass and asked Karen out," I said, leaning around Matt to shoot Ezra a teasing look across the island.
His head snapped in my direction and his brows furrowed as he shot me a look in return, Karen giggling beside him. "You're one to talk, smartass," Ezra shot back. "Everyone spent years watching you pine over Matt."
I stuck my tongue out at Ezra as he playfully flipped me off. Matt chuckled softly, drawing me in closer to his side and I smiled as my attention returned to him, further leaning into him.
"You have the strangest relationship with your brother," Marci pointed out across the island.
"Eh," Ezra said, shifting his attention to Marci, "it could certainly be stranger."
"Well," Foggy cut in, raising his beer, "I think we should toast to friendship. I love all of you guys and I'm glad you're all here."
"Because we were cheaper than paying movers?" I teased him.
"Yes," Foggy agreed, pointing a finger at me, "but I also couldn't ask for a better group of people to be in my life."
"You didn't have that much to drink yet, did you, Foggy?" Karen called out. “Normally it takes a few more beers before you get to the mushy speeches.”
Foggy grinned, shaking his head and lowering his beer. “You know what? You’re all assholes, get out!” he joked.
The six of us fell into loud laughter around the large island and I let myself melt further into Matt’s side, relishing in the partial embrace he had me in. I was happy I’d forced myself to go out to Josie’s a few months ago now after that wedding, despite how dead tired I had been. Trying to cut myself off from all of them for the eight months I had was easily one of the worst decisions I could have made, especially with everything that had been going on at the time.
When the laughter slowly died down, Marci caught my eye across the counter. She nodded her head towards Matt. “You need to convince Matt to move out to the Upper West Side now,” she told me. “Since now there’s half of us living here. And then maybe we could get the rest of you to move out here.”
“Not with what I make,” Ezra said, raising his beer to his lips.
“Ditto,” Karen agreed.
“And we all know Matt would never leave Hell’s Kitchen,” Foggy said, his attention shifting to Marci beside him.
“I’m sure he would move to be with Emily!” Marci shot back.
I bit my lip, ducking my head as my left hand lightly drummed against the polished granite countertop. “Actually,” I said slowly, “I’ve uh…been planning to move back to Hell’s Kitchen.”
Matt’s head instantly spun in my direction and I slowly glanced up at him. His brows were high on his forehead, eyes wide and staring down towards my chest. Across the counter, I heard Marci gasp audibly, as if the news was that shocking.
“What?” she called out. “Why?”
“Because,” I answered slowly, gaze reluctantly shifting to Marci as I continued to feel Matt’s own burning a hole into my chest, “The Upper West Side has never really felt like home. And my apartment is way too big and way too expensive.” I shrugged lightly. “My lease is actually coming up in a few weeks and I had some apartments lined up I was viewing in Hell’s Kitchen next week. I’d rather not stress trying to bust my ass to keep paying the extravagant rent for somewhere I don’t really want to be. This way, I can take on less work, have more free weekends, and hopefully feel more sane.”
“You didn’t tell me you were moving back,” Matt pointed out.
His voice drew my attention back to him beside me. Smiling up at him nervously I said, “I know. I didn’t want to say anything until I’d actually gotten a place lined up. I was hoping to pick one this coming week and tell you next weekend. There’s a couple of places I’m looking at not too far from your building actually–but thankfully far enough away from that massive fucking billboard,” I told him, which garnered a laugh from him. “And they're pretty nice apartments, too–not Upper West Side nice, but way better than what I had before when I lived in Hell's Kitchen."
Matt set his beer on the counter beside him and fully turned to face me, his hands sliding onto my hips. “Does that mean I’ll get to see you more often?” he asked hopefully.
“Yes,” I answered, still smiling up at him.
He tugged me closer to his body, a sly grin on his mouth before he leaned down and kissed me. It was a short kiss, one that was a bit restrained considering we weren't alone, and one that I certainly wanted to revisit when we left in a bit.
“Get a room!” Ezra called out, breaking the moment between us.
Rolling my eyes as Matt drew back from me, I leaned past him again and threw a glare at Ezra. “Either you watch me pine after the man or you watch me make out with him, Ez. There’s no inbetween here,” I pointed out. “So get over it.”
“I much prefer this,” Karen told me, a knowing smile sliding on her face. “I’m glad things are working out with you two.”
Wrapping my own arms back around Matt’s waist, I drew myself in against his chest. Instinctively his own arms held me tight against him and my cheeks felt like they were going to fall off of my face with how much I’d been smiling tonight.
“Me too,” I murmured contentedly.
Walking hand in hand out of Marci and Foggy’s new building, I led Matt back towards my apartment. Thankfully it was only a two and a half block walk from Marci and Foggy’s, which also meant the pair of them weren’t too far from Hell’s Kitchen and in turn Josie’s themselves. No matter how much Marci hoped we’d all find a new bar in the Upper West Side to frequent, I was pretty certain Josie’s was going to stick for as long as that bar stuck around.
There was a little chill to the late October evening as we began our walk, a slight crisp breeze blowing my hair behind me. I shivered lightly in my denim jacket and Matt quickly released my hand, wrapping an arm around my waist and drawing me in tight to his body. His cane was tapping along the pavement in his other hand as we moved and I happily snuggled into the warmth of his side.
“You’re always like a furnace,” I whispered.
I felt him place a gentle kiss to the top of my head and smiled, burrowing further into his side under his arm.
“Happy to help,” he said. There was just a brief pause before he asked, “So when did you decide you were moving back to Hell’s Kitchen?”
Glancing up at him out of the corner of my eye, I saw the curious expression on his face. “Honestly? I think it’s been a long time coming. My apartment always felt cold and empty. This part of the city just never felt right to me,” I told him. “But I made the actual decision probably two weeks ago.” Licking my lips, the smile slipped off my face as I stared down at my feet. “Hell’s Kitchen always felt like home,” I admitted softly. “It’s where Ez and I grew up. I feel like it still has a little piece of our mom, too.”
Matt’s arm squeezed around me gently at the admission. “I feel like it has a piece of my dad, too,” he whispered.
Chewing the inside of my cheek, my mind briefly drifted to my mom. But the moment I felt the sting of tears, I swallowed hard and turned my face into Matt’s jacket. It smelled like him and his apartment and I inhaled the comforting scent, letting it relax me for a moment. Clearing my throat, I pushed back a well of tears and focused the topic of conversation on something else as I turned my attention ahead of us again.
“One of the places I was looking at actually is a penthouse,” I told him, noticing the way his head turned towards me, his brows knitted together as he listened. “Lots of natural light, pretty decent sized kitchen for the area. No kitchen island, but still a lot of counter space. Big floor to ceiling windows in every room. Shockingly there’s a washer and dryer. Pretty light oak wood floors, too–nothing like the dark wood at my current place. Not everything is sterile, hospital room white, too,” I said, enjoying the little laugh from him beside me. I paused, turning my head and watching Matt as I said, “And there’s private access to the roof.”
My head shifted along his shoulder as I glanced up at him better, watching as the corner of his lip twitched upwards. I felt my heart flutter in my chest at the sight. Very gradually a smile broke across his mouth, the little dimple in his right cheek forming.
“It’s the one I’m leaning towards most,” I continued, my attention turning back to where we were walking. “It has two bedrooms and with the rent, I’ll actually have enough money to finally make myself an office. Plus it still has great views of the city. Only a block and a half from your place so we’d both be the same distance from Mad Goat and pretty much the same distance from Josie’s. It’s not too far from Ez’s, either.” I bit my lip, grinning as I said, “And that roof access is kind of nice, since you know, I have that penchant of hanging out on rooftops. And so does someone else I know.” I placed a kiss to Matt’s shoulder and delighted at the warm chuckle from him. “I’m sort of hoping that one pans out.”
“Yeah?” he asked.
“Mhmm,” I hummed back. “That roof access is pretty important. I need an easy way to find the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen at night,” I teased, enjoying the way Matt’s arm squeezed me into his side again as we neared my apartment building. “And if it’s private enough,” I continued, voice lowering, “who knows what else I might get up to with him up there.”
He threw his head back, barking out a loud laugh and I couldn’t fight the large smile that swept its way across my face at the sound. His laugh died down a few moments later, his nose brushing along the top of my head as we continued walking.
“Sweetheart,” Matt whispered into my hair, goosebumps raising along my arms as he spoke, “you’ve got a naughty side I wasn’t expecting.”
“Is that a problem?” I asked him coyly.
His hand slid down my side, gripping my ass through my jeans. My bottom lip slid in between my teeth at the feel of it, ideas of what I wanted to do to him tonight surfacing in my mind.
“Not at all,” he murmured.
"I mean I did have to wait over two years for you to finally tell me you liked me," I teased him. "We do have some time to make up for."
"Oh do we now?" he asked back.
"Mhmm," I hummed back. "And I had to watch you flirt with all those other women–"
"Em," Matt cut me off quickly, "I thought I'd made it apparent that I'd spent all that time waiting for you?"
"I mean you did still flirt though, and it was hard to watch," I admitted.
"Only because I thought I couldn't have you," he corrected.
I smiled, further leaning into his side as we continued to walk the rest of the way back to my apartment. Time seemed to fly by with the pair of us flirting the entire way. By the time I had unlocked the door to my apartment, I was ready to drag Matt back to my bedroom.
He was wrapped around the back of me, kissing at my neck while his hands were roaming my body. I tried to focus on locking my door behind us and slipping out of my shoes, kicking them off to the side, but Matt's lips and hands were quite distracting.
When I'd finally gotten both shoes off, I spun in his embrace, locking my own arms around his waist. “Should we continue this somewhere more comfortable?” I asked him, voice low.
Nipping gently at my neck, Matt hummed out an affirmative noise. Smiling, I turned, walking the pair of us away from the door and towards the bedroom. Walking backwards, I could feel the aching need for him growing in me, my eyes half-lidded as he continued to suck relentlessly along my neck. I could barely focus on where I was going as I led us, too distracted by the pleasant sensations filling my body.
"Matt," I moaned out. "I need you."
So focused on the feel of him, I hadn’t been paying attention to where I was leading the pair of us, and when my side roughly slammed into the corner of my island counter, I froze. All traces of arousal quickly dissipated from my body as a sharp gasp flew out of me. My body tensed up instantly as Matt pulled away from my neck, dark brows furrowed in concern.
“Em?” he asked hesitantly. “You okay? Your body just–” he stopped, head canting to the side. “Em?" he said, tone significantly more gentle. "Hey, relax.”
"Look what you did! What you made me do!"
My hands flew to my mouth, tears welling in my eyes as Justin’s voice rang through my mind. I could feel my heart begin to erratically thump in the confines of my rib cage, my chest feeling almost too tight. It felt like it was quickly constricting more and more; my lungs felt like they couldn't expand and I was struggling to inhale a full breath. Soon I was nearly wheezing, head feeling light and weightless.
“Emily, you’re having a panic attack,” Matt said calmly. “Okay? So I’m going to lower you to the floor and I just want you to breathe.”
"You can't have this kid, Emily. I will never love it, never love any part of it that's mine."
A whimper clawed its way out of my throat, my hands dropping down to my neck and digging my nails in as I remembered the feel of the sharp counter hitting me over and over that night. The pain in my abdomen came back all over again and I felt nauseous, palms sweating.
Matt’s hands were barely touching my hips, carefully lowering me to the floor with him. But then I glanced down at that spot along the dark hardwood and a strangled cry left me.
“Sweetheart, it’s okay, I’m here,” Matt whispered.
"I will kill myself if you have this baby. You can't, Emily."
Hands flying up to cover my face, I cried out into my palms, reality blurring with memories. Tears started pouring their way down my face as bits of that night flashed through my mind–Justin's enraged face, his loud voice, his rough hands. The sound of sirens when the ambulance came, my body curled in a ball on the floor next to the pool of dark red. My body was shaking, face buried in my hands.
"Em, take a deep breath in," Matt gently urged.
"I–I can't," I stuttered, panic seeping in.
A soothing hand cautiously began rubbing slow circles on the small of my back. Trying hard to focus on his hand, pushing back the well of panic that was threatening to spill out of me, I lifted my head from my hands.
"You can breathe, Emily," Matt assured me. "Try taking a deep breath in through your nose with me."
I turned my head, focusing on Matt beside me as a few tears still slipped down my face. He inhaled deeply from his nose, hand still soothingly rubbing my back. Carefully I tried to copy his actions, though the breath wasn't a full one. He demonstrated blowing out a breath next and I tried to follow him.
Nodding encouragingly, he smiled at me. "There you go, sweetheart," he whispered. "Just relax and copy what I'm doing, okay? Your body will calm down soon, I promise."
Swallowing hard, I nodded. Beside me, he breathed in deeply through his nose again, exaggerating the movement for my benefit as I tried to follow him. This time when he breathed out, he exhaled roughly through his mouth. I copied him, feeling the tremors in my body disappearing slowly.
We sat on the floor for the next few minutes, Matt demonstrating calm breaths in and out. After a while of following his lead I felt my body relax beside his. His hand was still rubbing along my back and I began to feel a little embarrassed.
I couldn't believe I'd had a panic attack, especially right when we were about to have sex. I'd ruined the moment entirely and poor Matt had to deal with my anxiety.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, pulling my legs into my chest. "That was stupid and embarrassing."
Instantly Matt wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. "Don't you dare apologize for that," he said firmly. "Your pain isn't stupid or embarrassing, Em. You're allowed to feel how you feel."
"I completely ruined the moment, though," I mumbled, burying my face against my knees.
"Emily, I don't care about that," he said, tugging me further into him so I was between his legs. "Do you want to talk about what just happened? Are you doing alright?"
Gradually I felt my muscles relax and I shifted between his legs, wrapping my arms around his torso and resting my head along his shoulder. His head turned and he placed a kiss to my forehead.
"I accidentally hit my hip on the counter," I whispered. "It was stupid, I don't know why I reacted like that. I was just so focused on the moment that I didn't realize I was about to hit the damn thing and it–it took me by surprise and I just–just lost it. Everything just came flooding back."
Matt nuzzled his face into my hair, his arms holding me tight to his solid body. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I should have been paying more attention, should have seen you were about to hit it."
I sighed, feeling my body relax even more in his comforting and safe embrace. "It's not your fault, Matt. None of it is. Don't blame yourself. I just…I think I really need to move out of this place. So I'm glad I am. There's just too many memories clinging to this kitchen."
"He won't come back," he whispered into my hair. "He got the hint that night. I haven't seen him come even remotely near here. And I'll always be here to make sure you're safe, sweetheart."
"Thank you," I breathed out. "For helping me with him. And for–for helping me through all of this."
"I would do anything for you, Emily," Matt promised.
"Is it…okay if we just go to bed?" I asked him nervously. "I uh, I don't really think I'm quite in the mood at this point."
"I would love nothing more than to just curl up in bed and cuddle you all night," he answered earnestly.
With a deep sigh, I rose to my feet on slightly shaking legs. Matt swiftly rose beside me, immediately wrapping his arm back around my waist. The pair of us made our way through the kitchen and down my hallway to my bedroom. I didn't bother to turn the light on as I led Matt to the bed. He only broke away from me when we reached the foot of it, both of us making our way to either side of it.
I slipped out of my clothes, my eyes focused on the bed and inviting blankets and not Matt’s almost naked body as he undressed. Only minutes ago I'd have had a completely different reaction to him taking his clothes off, but right now all I wanted was to curl up in his big, strong arms and feel safe and wanted.
Crawling onto the bed, Matt was climbing into the other side. As I laid down on the mattress, scooting towards him, Matt pulled up all of the blankets and covered us. A contented smile spread across my lips when I finally felt his arms pull me into his bare chest, his hands drawing my head to rest along his broad shoulder. Wordlessly I snuggled into his side, burrowing into him.
"I won't ever let anything like that happen to you again," he whispered in the darkened bedroom. "No one will ever hurt you again, Em. Not like that. Especially not me."
"I know, Matthew," I murmured into his warm, bare skin. "I trust you."
His head shifted downwards along the pillow, his lips pressing onto the top of my head as he kissed me. My eyelids lowered, feeling a vulnerability abruptly wash over me as we laid half naked in bed together.
“I don’t want to lose you,” I whispered, voice tight.
“Oh, sweetheart,” he murmured into my hair, emotion thick in his words as he spoke, “you won’t lose me. Even if you tried to beat me away with my billy clubs I’d still be here.”
A laugh bubbled up out my throat, one that was unexpected and unable to be contained. Matt chuckled into my hair, arms tightening around me.
“Get some sleep, Emily,” he whispered. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Relaxing into Matt’s body, safe and secure in his arms, I felt a weight slowly lift off of my shoulders. It didn’t take me long to fall asleep, one of his hands reassuringly tracing gentle patterns along my lower back.