Chapter 5
“Thanks for coming out, guys,” I said as I walked Karen and Ezra to the door of my apartment. “I really should have done this sooner.”
“It was fun!” Karen told me, pulling me into a hug.
As she pulled back I saw her gaze curiously shift over my shoulder to where Matt was leaning up against my counter, nursing his beer and looking as if he was nowhere near ready to leave. Which I knew he wasn’t since we planned to finish our earlier discussion now that everyone was heading home. But no one else knew that, even if Karen, Marci, and even Ezra had been picking up on the subtle change between Matt and I tonight. To Foggy’s credit, his attention was usually too focused on the beautiful Marci who had often been draped along his side this evening.
“We’ll have to get together outside of a bar like this again,” I agreed.
Ezra stepped forward and ruffled my hair, his hand making a mess of the dark strands. I swatted his hand away in annoyance, protesting the gesture loudly.
“I’ll see you later,” he told me, grinning as I tried to fix my hair. “And buy some damn groceries before you starve.” His eyes briefly shifted curiously to Matt behind me as Karen had done, staring at him for a few seconds before he looked back down at me. “Have a good rest of your night, Emmy,” he said with a wink.
My eyes narrowed at him as he and Karen turned to leave. I sent Karen another wave before I closed the door slowly after them, all too aware of how alone I now was with Matt. My hands remained on the door for a long moment as I tried to control my nerves and the slight shake in them. And then I pushed off of it, turning around just to be met with the sight of Matt grinning brightly back at me, the corner of his eyes crinkled and a warmth in them that had my pulse thundering in my own ears. I exhaled slowly, trying to hide how nervous I was as I padded softly back towards him across the kitchen.
“You alright?” he asked me.
“Yeah,” I breathed the word out. I should have figured I wouldn’t be able to hide anything from him. “Just uh…a little nervous?” I admitted as I bit my lip, leaning against the counter a few feet from him.
Matt’s head canted to the right, his eyes roaming my face as one of his fingers began tapping along the bottle of beer between his hands. “Why?” he questioned curiously.
A nervous laugh bubbled up out of my throat as I ducked my head, my hair falling forward and curtaining my face as my eyes lingered on my fidgeting hands on the countertop. “You make me nervous,” I admitted shyly.
“I never did before,” he observed.
Another nervous laugh left me. “No, you definitely did but it was a lot easier to hide when I thought everything between us was just, you know, strictly friendly,” I told him. “It’s a little different now knowing that after all of this time you…felt the same.”
Matt shifted beside me but the dark curtain of my hair that had fallen forward still blocked him from my view. His fingertips bumped against my fidgeting hands on the countertop and I swallowed hard, ceasing the nervous movement. Gradually his large hand slid over the back of one of mine and held it. My head slowly turned upwards towards him, taking in the impassioned look on his face as he gazed down at me. A chill ran up my spine as my breathing came in stuttered and shallow.
“You really never knew?” he whispered.
“No,” I answered him. “But apparently neither did you.”
He slid a little towards me along the counter, his gaze focused on my right cheek. “It’s not like you ever saw me spending that much time with Karen or Marci. Or any other woman, for that matter,” he said.
“It wasn’t Foggy or Ezra I was spilling my guts to at three in the morning all those times, either,” I whispered back, tentatively sliding closer towards him as well. “Crying on their shoulders and seeking advice.” My tongue nervously darted along my lips. “You were the one I always found comfort in,” I admitted, my voice barely audible.
Matt exhaled a slow breath before closing the distance further between us. “I know there’s…there’s things we really need to discuss,” he told me, “but I just…” His eyes closed, his lips momentarily pressing tight together. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long,” he breathed out. “Is that…too much to ask?”
A warmth flooded my body at his request, my legs beginning to feel weak underneath me. “No, I’ve…I’ve thought about that a lot over the years,” I revealed. “I’ve wanted to for a long time, too.”
For a moment neither of us moved, staring silently at one another for what felt like too long until eventually Matt took one more step forward and closed the remaining space between us. His hand released mine on the countertop before he carefully settled both of his along the sides of my face, the touch so light I could barely feel it at first. I swallowed hard as his fingertips gingerly brushed my hair from my face before his hands leisurely began mapping out every detail. They swept along my skin slowly with a lingering adoration, running along the plane of my forehead and the slope of my nose and the lines of my cheekbones. My face tilted up towards his as my eyelids slowly lowered, reveling in the way he touched me so delicately. My lips parted when his fingers traced their way along them, a soft sigh leaving me as I leant in towards him. My own hands left the countertop to land flat against his solid chest, bracing myself against him as I began to feel lightheaded from the uneven breaths I couldn’t seem to control.
“Matt,” I breathed out his name.
His hands slid their way down to my neck, gently resting over the place where my pulse was hammering thunderously. His thumbs swept along the length of my jaw, deliberately tilting my face up further towards him. My eyes opened when I felt his forehead rest easily against mine before my breath hitched, catching in my throat. His face and his mouth were so close to mine, closer than they’d ever been before; his proximity mixed with the deeply sensual way he was gazing down towards my lips had my stomach twisting in nervous, anticipatory knots. My hands tightened into fists, clenching the soft fabric of his tee-shirt. A soft noise left his mouth, his warm breath washing over my face.
“Matt,” I whispered his name again, my hands tugging him gently towards me.
Ever so slowly Matt’s mouth fell on mine. His lips moved carefully at first–barely there. I sighed against his mouth, as if the pain of the years of wanting him like this was expelled the moment his mouth connected to mine. My hands released his shirt and slid up to wrap around his neck, dragging him closer into me as I pulled him in harder against my mouth. He obliged immediately, his mouth working faster against mine as his hands both slid backwards, tangling into my hair and cradling my head. My mind went blank, too stunned that this was really happening and in shock of how utterly unbelievable it felt to have Matt kissing me like he was savoring the experience–like mine was the only mouth he'd ever wanted to taste.
His hips pressed into mine, turning me and pushing me hard into the counter behind me. His tongue began gliding carefully along my bottom lip, slow strokes asking for permission. I moaned faintly, my mouth parting and allowing his warm, wet tongue to eagerly slide inside where it immediately began lapping languorously against my own. My breathing was growing erratic as my hands slid further up his neck, my fingers combing through his hair and nails dragging along his scalp. A rumble came from Matt’s throat and something warm and needy arose within me at the sound.
Too soon Matt carefully broke the kiss, his forehead resting against mine as my mouth helplessly chased after his, craving more with a slight whine. Matt huffed out an amused noise, leaning down and placing a single kiss to my yearning mouth before he broke away again. The pair of us stood there panting heavily, my hands still tangled in Matt’s hair as his had lowered, resting along my neck again. I was still pressed into the island, the countertop pushing into my lower back and causing me to arch up towards him, our hips still pressed together.
I felt breathless staring up at him–no one had ever made me feel like this before. Even that last kiss with Daredevil had felt tame in comparison to whatever this had just been.
“We should…probably talk,” he murmured, a faint smile on his lips.
My hands reluctantly untangled from his hair, gradually sliding their way down the back of his neck and making their way to rest back against his chest. I was breathing hard and blinking rapidly, trying to make sense of what had just happened.
“Yeah,” I agreed breathlessly. “We probably should.” My tongue ran along my lips as I tried to recover from that earth-shattering kiss, and then my eyes quickly closed in longing–my mouth still tasted of him. I was struggling to focus, one of my hands flying up to my forehead as I tried to concentrate. “We can uh…can sit down on the couch maybe,” I suggested.
“You alright, Em?” Matt asked curiously.
“Yeah,” I answered him. “I just…that was…not expected.”
“Well I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of years now,” he murmured, leaning in to place a gentle kiss along my forehead.
His words and warm lips against my skin had my hand curling into a fist against his muscular chest as I grit my teeth. He was right, we did need to talk. And as amazing as that kiss was, and despite how worked up it had surprisingly gotten me, that wasn’t the right move. Not tonight. Not if I wanted to do this right with him.
My fist pushed against his chest with just enough force to cause Matt to take a step back. I uncurled my hand, reaching down and cautiously entwining it with one of his before gently tugging against it and leading him towards my couch. He followed silent and willing just behind me.
He settled onto the couch beside me, turning to face me as I turned to face him on the cushions. I pulled my legs up underneath me to get comfortable; one of his large hands flew out and landed on my knee. For a moment all I could do was stare at it there, focused on the warmth and imagining it sliding farther up my leg, undoing the button of my jeans. I felt a flush rise up my neck at the thought as Matt lightly cleared his throat.
"I uh, think it's safe to say there's definitely something here," Matt said, trying to lighten the thick sexual tension in the air.
I snorted a laugh, running my hands across my eyes. "Yeah," I agreed. "There definitely is."
The small smile on his face slowly disappeared as his hand on my knee gave it a little squeeze. "So things with you and–and him are done?" he asked carefully.
My gaze fell to my lap feeling like a lump had just formed in my throat at the swift topic change. I could feel my hands beginning to sweat and I nervously wiped them against my jeans. "Yes," I answered him, voice tight. "We're definitely over. For good. I don't–don't want anything to do with him ever again." I swallowed hard, trying to rid that feeling of something stuck in my throat but it wouldn't budge.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he prompted gently. His hand squeezed my knee again quickly. "You don't have to, but it seems there's something more than just a breakup that happened and I can tell it's upsetting you."
I bit down on my tongue, a sharp pain shooting through my mouth as I tried to hold the tears back. I could feel the ache in my chest slamming hard into me, a knot coiling in my stomach for an entirely different reason now. As if he somehow sensed my inner turmoil, his hand on my knee tightened, the pads of his fingers digging into my jeans. I took a shaky breath before my eyes turned up to look at him. He was staring back towards me, his body rigid and his expression twisted into a look of despair.
I opened my mouth to speak only to startle when a choked sob fell out instead. My mouth closed abruptly and I bit down on my cheek, my eyes snapping shut.
"Em?" he asked softly. "You don't have to–"
"I was pregnant," I whispered, cutting him off.
A heavy silence fell over us and I sat before him, breathing hard with my eyes still tightly closed. I'd heard the audible sharp inhale from him, faint but still noticeable at my sudden admission.
"I was pregnant," I repeated slowly, eyes still closed and unable to look at him. "It had been a stupid accident. I found out because I'd been having health issues." My mouth went dry and I tried to swallow but my tongue felt heavy and my throat didn't want to cooperate. "I'd gone to the doctor. Found out I was pregnant but things weren't…weren't great with the pregnancy. Because of how poorly I'd been taking care of myself from the stress of work and things with…with him."
I exhaled a slow breath, trying to control my breathing so I wouldn't immediately spiral into a panic attack. Matt remained silent and unmoving beside me. I opened my eyes carefully but lowered my gaze to the hand that was still gripping my knee. I didn’t think I could look at him and get the words out.
"So I'd had to do an emergency ultrasound at the hospital. All the while not knowing what I wanted to do about…about everything," I admitted softly. "And Justin he…" My voice trailed off and I winced at the memory. "He wouldn't come out to see me. Too busy prepping for one of his stupid shows," I growled low, lip curling back. Matt’s hand somehow tightened even further on my knee at my words. "It was two days before he actually met up with me," I whispered. "Two days before he actually made an attempt to see his pregnant girlfriend."
I could feel the sting of tears and I dropped my head into my hands, trying to hide myself and my tears behind them. I felt his other hand gently land on my shoulder, the weight of it strong and comforting.
"He'd been doing coke for awhile," I continued, voice coming out muffled through my hands. "He had been trying to hide it from me even though I'd known something was off. I just didn't know what. I was usually too busy with weddings to attend his shows and their stupid after parties on the weekends." I shook my head, tears spilling out of my eyes behind my hands. "I don't know if he was high or on a withdrawal when he showed up that night. He was just so angry."
My body was trembling now, recalling everything that had happened those months ago. Tears were freely burning warm trails down my cheeks and I tried hard to keep my breathing controlled. I focused on the feel of Matt’s hands on me, reassuring me, grounding me.
“He called and texted nonstop in those two days before,” I whimpered, raking my hands down my face, my nails roughly scratching against my skin. “All hours of the day. I couldn’t–couldn’t get a moment of peace to sleep or to think because of him. And it was always about him.” I sniffed hard, running a hand across my face. “What he wanted. What he was feeling. What he thought I should do. How he didn’t want this.”
I could feel my chest constricting tighter and tighter as if my rib cage was going to crush my lungs and my heart beneath it as memories of his words raced through my mind. My lips were quivering as I crossed my arms over my chest tight. Matt’s warm, comforting grip on me never wavered.
“He wanted me to have an abortion,” I whispered out. “Told me he didn’t want it. Repeatedly told me he’d–he’d never love it. Never love any part of it that was his.”
A deep rumble came from Matt’s chest, almost like a predatory growl. It was the only sound he’d made so far and my eyes hesitantly glanced up towards him. His mouth was clenched tight, the muscles working visibly in his jaw as his lips were pulled together in a thin line. His eyes were narrowed and focused towards my chest, right where I could feel my heart stuttering and fumbling.
“He threatened to kill himself,” I breathed out, noticing the flinch that ran across Matt’s face. “If I carried through with the pregnancy. He said he’d kill himself and it would be my fault.”
Another low, angry growl reverberated through Matt’s chest, his hand on my shoulder gripping tighter. My eyes lowered to my fidgeting hands in my lap, tears falling down onto them as I continued.
“He showed up to my apartment two days later unannounced,” I told him. “Pounding on my door late at night. He was terrifying; out of his mind. Just yelling at me, blaming me for everything.” My breath felt like it was getting stuck in my throat as a shiver ran over me. My chest was compressing tighter and tighter as a ragged gasping breath fell out of me. “He shoved me a few times,” I croaked out, voice breaking. “Into the…the kitchen island.”
The events flashed back through my mind; Justin’s harsh words, his hands shoving me, the pain in my abdomen and the steady flow of blood. My body shook as my eyes closed, jarring tremors wracking my body violently. And then a strangled cry clawed its way out of my throat and I was wailing and squeezing my arms around myself, trying to hold myself together.
Matt’s hands immediately pulled me into him on the couch, his legs widening as he slid me between them. I curled in on myself, sobbing against his chest. He wrapped his entire body around me, folding himself over me and drawing his legs up around me. His head rested against the top of mine as he gently rocked me while I continued to weep in his arms.
“I–I miscarried,” I choked out through tears, clutching his shirt. “There was so much blood. I-I had an ambulance take me to the hospital.” I shook my head roughly, the movement brushing my face back and forth along his chest. “I didn’t even get a choice,” I confessed, tears racing down my face. “I didn’t even get a choice,” I repeated, the words coming out broken.
One of Matt’s hands began gently stroking my hair as I continued crying into him, soaking his shirt with my tears. I was gasping for air, teetering on the edge of losing myself in yet another panic attack.
Matt’s mouth was suddenly beside my ear, softly whispering. “Breathe, Emily. You can breathe,” he assured me, his own voice breaking slightly. “I’m right here. I’ve got you. Just breathe.”
My hands gripped his shirt tighter, trying to follow his voice as it guided me to inhale and exhale, trying to focus on the steady rise and fall of his own chest against mine. I continued to sputter and tremble as I tried to stave off the anxiety attack, my breath still irregular and my chest still feeling constricted. Eventually my tears lessened and my wheezing, rasping inhales became soft sobs. My body gradually calmed and relaxed into Matt’s warm embrace as his soft voice continued to whisper soothingly against the top of my head. I tried to focus on the way his hand was still tenderly stroking its way through my hair and how he had wrapped himself protectively around me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered out.
His arms tightened around me. “Don’t,” he urged me sharply. “Don’t apologize. You have nothing to apologize for.” His voice was tight, strained. “That should have…have never happened to you,” he told me. “Never. And none of what he did, none of that is your fault.” His head turned against mine, his lips placing a kiss into my hair. “He didn’t deserve you,” he whispered.
Hesitantly I shifted in his arms, partially pulling back so I could look up at him. His eyes were red and there were tear tracks down his own face as he looked back at me. I raised a hand, carefully brushing against the tear stains with my fingers, the wetness accumulating on my fingertips.
“You deserve someone who’s not broken, Matty,” I murmured.
His eyes tightened and he shook his head roughly under my hand. “No,” he growled out. “Don’t say that, you’re not broken, Emily. You’re not broken. You’re grieving and you were mistreated but you are not broken.”
I exhaled a long, trembling breath. “I’m not sure if I’m okay right now, Matt,” I whispered. “I don’t…don’t know if I can be what you want right now.”
He leaned forward, one hand cupping my cheek as he kissed my forehead with two lingering kisses. “You have always been what I want,” he assured me, his lips brushing against my forehead as he spoke. “But I’ll do whatever you want, Em. We can…just be friends, if that’s all you want,” he said. “Or we can take things slow, whatever pace you want to set. Explore whatever this is here.” He placed another kiss to my forehead. “I’ll do whatever you want, Em.”
The emotion in his voice had me curling back into him, burying my face in his chest as my arms slid around his back. “What if slow mean’s a sloth's pace?” I whispered into his shirt.
“I have no qualms with sloths,” he said lightly. “Or snails. Or turtles. Or any other slow moving animal.”
I laughed into his chest, tears pricking at my eyes for an entirely different reason now. Matt’s arms once again squeezed me and for the first time I felt a spark of light shine through the months of darkness I’d been living in.
“Can you…stay here tonight?” I asked him nervously.
“If you want,” he told me softly. “I can sleep on the couch.”
I bit my lip, listening to the steady beating of his heart beneath my ear. “Could you maybe…stay with me? Not like…like that, not–not yet. Just…I don’t want to be alone…”
"Of course," Matt obliged immediately.
I smiled softly, relaxing into his body. His hand resumed its tender stroking through my hair and I sighed contentedly, feeling the ache in my chest lessening a little.
"Thank you," I murmured. "For always being here."
His chin rested atop my head as he readjusted himself around me. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be."
We stayed wrapped together on my couch for quite awhile, Matt’s hands slowly soothing me as my body continued to calm down. I could feel my mind quieting and my breathing slowing. My eyelids eventually began to droop as fatigue finally took over.
"Why don't we go to sleep?" Matt's deep voice suggested.
The sudden noise caused my eyes to snap back open before I nodded. I reluctantly released my arms from around his back and pulled away, sliding out from between my position between his legs on the couch and rising back to my feet. Beside me Matt was doing the same. And then I grabbed his hand, leading him down the hall and towards my bedroom.
I led him towards the left side of the bed, leaving the light off and directing him as we went. As I turned to walk around the bed to the other side, Matt's hand reached out and managed to grab my wrist. I stopped, glancing curiously back up at him. He stepped forward, somehow his hands effortlessly finding my face and cupping my cheeks as he lowered his head towards mine. He brushed his forehead lightly against mine and my eyes fluttered closed, enjoying the newfound intimacy between us.
"Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to tell me that," he whispered. "I can't imagine how difficult it was."
“Thank you for always listening and never judging,” I mumbled back.
He pulled back and turned, sliding the sheets back and beginning to climb into the bed. I stopped moving around to the other side of the bed when I noticed he was intending to sleep fully clothed.
“You don’t have to stay in your clothes,” I told him quickly. Immediately I flushed, realizing how the statement sounded. “I mean–I don’t have anything to offer you to sleep in, but I doubt you sleep fully dressed in jeans at night,” I amended.
His head turned in my direction, one of his eyebrows raising to his forehead. “Are you sure? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
I continued my way to the other side of the bed, my cheeks burning. “As long as me sleeping half naked doesn’t bother you,” I told him.
“No,” he assured me softly, rising back out of the bed. “It doesn’t.”
Both of us stood facing each other, the large queen sized bed between us as we began to undress. Even though I had no intention of having sex with Matt tonight, I couldn’t control the way my heart raced as I watched him pull his shirt over his head, revealing a sight of him I’d never seen before in the darkness of my room. I’d always known Matt was muscular, often wondered how he managed to work out enough to be as muscular as he felt–but seeing it was another story. Despite the curious scars that marked his skin, he was breathtaking. I had to force myself to focus on undressing myself to keep from staring at him.
When I had removed my pants from my lower half, I turned in time to catch a brief glimpse of his large thighs before he slid under the sheets. And then I hesitantly slid onto my side of the bed, my breathing shallow when I maneuvered under the sheets and slightly bumped my thigh into his. In all of our friendship, we’d never stayed the night together, and certainly not half naked sharing the same bed.
“Sorry,” I mumbled out.
I heard Matt chuckle through the dark. “You don’t need to apologize for touching me, Em.”
I bit my lip nervously as heat flooded my cheeks again. “Sorry,” I apologized and then immediately shook my head. “Shit, it’s just a habit and you make me a little nervous,” I blurted.
He laughed lightly again and then I felt a warm hand slide slowly onto my stomach, his hand splayed flat against the expanse of skin on my abdomen. A shiver ran down my spine under his touch.
“Is this…okay?” he asked me timidly.
I rolled onto my side to face him, his hand gliding its way to the small of my back as I did. A small smile tugged at my lips as I observed him through the dark. “Yes,” I breathed, hesitantly scooting closer towards him and snaking my own hand underneath his arm and around to his lower back, relishing the feel of his soft skin and the goosebumps rising along him as I did. And then carefully I slid a leg forward, slipping it between both of his and drawing the front of myself even closer to his. “Is this?” I asked him cautiously.
“Yeah,” he answered back.
I saw his head lift from the pillow as he leaned in towards me, placing a sweet kiss along the tip of my nose. And then he settled back down a few inches from me, a sleepy grin on his face that made my heart warm.
“Goodnight, Em.”
“Goodnight, Matty,” I whispered.