Coconuts and a Hippo
Jake chuckled at his cell phone.
“Jake, what are you doing?” Marc asked him.
“Nothing.”
“Are you sending coconut memes again?” Layla rolled her eyes as she asked. She had no idea what was with him and the others and the coconut jokes. In fact it seemed that she, Marc, and Steven were the only ones who had no idea what the coconut jokes were about. But Jake and the other avatars, even the serious Selim, would often send each other memes of coconuts. None of them would say why.
“Heheh. Coconuts.” He hit send and sent another meme of a coconut to the avatars. It was their private thing. They were the ones who had been saved by Taweret after all.
—-
Taweret watched as Marc and Steven ran through Osiris’s gates, back to the mortal realm and their body. She was glad that they would have a second chance and that they would be able to stop Ammit and see that no more souls were sent to her before their time. But she wasn’t pleased with this outcome. There were still five avatars on her boat, six counting the third who had unknowingly been left behind by Marc and Steven. She thought that these avatars deserved a second chance as well but Osiris wasn’t willing to help.
She entered into the halls of the boat with her sights set on the avatars. She first entered the room containing the massive red sarcophagus that rocked as the individual within tried to free themselves. She ripped the door off and the trapped man tumbled out. The man was an exact replica of Marc and Steven, except he had a glare on his face, a look that screamed ‘I am a predator’.
“Follow me.” She turned around and headed out into the hall of the boat.
The man yelled after her “Hey! qué demonios!”, but she ignored him and walked on. He followed her, his instincts did not allow him to let a potential threat out of his sights and as far as he knew this hippo woman was a threat.
Taweret arrived at another door. She walked into the room within, but the man, Jake, was denied entry. He was left in the hall muttering under his breath.
The room that Taweret had entered was a serene room, filled with the sound of music and birds. A pond was in the center of the room and next to it a woman sat playing the harp. “Yatzil, you do not belong here. Come with me.”
Yatzil stopped playing the harp and looked up at the goddess. “Taweret? Is it time to be judged?”
“No. It is time for all of you to go home. I will not stand for your deaths.”
Yatzil chuckled. “Osiris will not be happy.”
“Osiris can smoke grass. He should have listened to Khonshu. Now come on, we still have to get the others.”
Yatzil went up to the goddess and took her large hand. Taweret led her out into the hall where the two found Jake sitting on the floor. “Uggh. About time, who’s the chica?”
“Marc?” Yatzil was surprised to see Khonshu’s avatar had passed as well. It must have been a truly terrible fight.
“No, Jake. Marc and Steven already went back.”
“Wait, how many of you are there!?”
“Three, but we share one body. It’s like a never ending threesome! Only with less sex.”
“What!”
Taweret headed further down the hall as the two talked. She reached a green door that she opened and she walked into the room behind it. This room was an Irish pub, crowded and jovial. She could smell the rich food and the beer, she could hear the floorboards squeak with her footsteps. She found the man that she was looking for sitting alone at a table with a pint of beer.
“Finnigan, get your sorry arse over here!” She shouted to the Irish avatar of Horus. The man finished off his beer and slammed the pint down. He pushed his chair back and stood, his eyes on Taweret.
“Well, Móra na maidine duit Taweret.”
“Yes, yes. Hello to you too. Now come on, we don’t have much time. I left Yatzil with Jake.”
“You left who with Yatzil?” He asked as he followed the goddess out of the pub. He didn’t truly care where she was taking him, she ruled in the Duat and he was dead. She knew what was best.
“It’s a long story. Ah, there you two are!”
Jake had been telling Yatzil a rather raunchy joke, which Taweret had interrupted. “Ahh, Hippo, you have terrible timing! Now Yatzil’s never going to know what the hurricane said to the coconut tree!”
“I know that one, it’s ‘hold your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a blowjob!’” Finnigan said to Jake and Yatzil.
Yatzil groaned and Jake laughed. “I like you!”
Taweret shook her head and went to the next room. This room was full of water with only a slim piece of land next to the door. The water was perfectly clear and fresh, the absolute perfect temperature and so relaxing. A woman could be seen floating on her back, basking in the sun that shone down onto her.
“BETHANY!” Taweret bellowed out, but she received no response. It seemed that the avatar was too far out to hear her. She sighed and dove in. Swimming was easy for Taweret, she was part hippo after all, but she didn’t like having to get her clothes all wet. She moved through the water swiftly and soon she was next to the avatar of Tefnut.
“Taweret! Fancy seeing you here!”
“It’s the Duat, of course you would see me here. Who were you expecting, Thoth?”
Bethany dipped back and wet her head. “Hmmm. No, just figured that this was it, you know? That I was dead and this was where I would be from now on.”
“Perhaps someday that will be true, but today I am changing that. Come on.” Taweret scooped the woman up and tossed her onto her back. She headed back to the shore with her passenger who clung to her. Bethany didn’t try fighting the goddess, she knew that you couldn’t fight an angry hippo. Once they reached the shore Taweret placed Bethany onto the ground and took her hand. She led her out of the room and into the hall.
In the hall Jake, Finnigan, and Yatzil were still telling jokes; although they did seem to be slightly more appropriate now. She heard something about coconuts and juice…Never mind. It was just as dirty as the last one.
She left the growing group of avatars. She was ready to move onto the next avatar. She had saved the two who would be the most likely to cause issues for last. She didn’t think that the avatars themselves would be the ones to cause problems, but she was worried that their gods may somehow interfere. Aya served Isis who had powers of resurrection, so she may not like what Taweret was planning. Selim served Osiris, and well, it was kind of his fault that they were in this mess in the first place.
Honestly, he revived Khonshu’s avatars but not his own! She truly did wonder what was going on in his mind at times, it must be all the inbreeding. After all, his parents were siblings and his grandparents had been siblings. It was a wonder that Horus had any brain cells, he was the result of three generations of sibling marriages. There was definitely something wrong with that part of Ra’s family tree.
Reaching a blue door Taweret walked in, dismissing the thoughts of her fellow gods’s reproduction habits. She had a mission and could not afford to become distracted. The room that she was currently in was filled with plush chairs. There were stacks of books that seemed to primarily be about fashion and LGBTQA+ rights. A rainbow flag hung on the wall. A young woman sat sideways in a chair beneath the flag, a Cosmo magazine in one hand and a margarita in the other. Taweret wondered exactly what it was that drew Isis to this woman.
“Aya, it is-”
“Girl, it’s about time you showed up! I thought I was going to be stuck here forever! I mean, it’s nice and all, but it has a massive lack of ladies. And the toys,” she gestured to a box full of vibrators and dildos next to her. “Well, they only go so far.” She tossed the magazine onto the floor and hopped out of the chair, margarita still in hand. She used her empty hand to take Taweret’s hand she pulled the stunned goddess towards the door. “Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”
Taweret followed her, shocked that this had been so simple. She hadn’t been expecting the avatar to be waiting for her, let alone for the avatar to practically drag her out of the room while she sipped a margarita. Maybe Isis picked the woman because of her headstrong personality. Isis did always like a headstrong woman.
Entering into the hall Aya let go of Taweret’s hand and went over to Yatzil, Jake, Finigan, and Bethany. “I’m Back!” She called as she sauntered over, margarita in hand.
“Hey, did you bring enough for everybody?”
“Aya, what do men and coconuts have in common?”
“They’re both gross?!”
“They both have milk!”
“Eww, gross Finn!”
Taweret was beginning to think that she made a mistake introducing Jake to that group. Who knew that there were so many dirty jokes about coconuts? She left the group to their jokes and went to her last stop, a pale green door. She knew that behind this door was Selim, and that he held the highest risk of her plan blowing up. If Osiris had any inkling of what she was planning he would be waiting for her in that room. She opened the door and braced herself.
Only to be knocked over by a man barreling out into the hall at full speed. Selim had ran out of the room and shoved past Taweret, knocking her off balance. The avatar was yelling as he stormed out. He was not a happy man.
“Fucking Osiris! Just because he has a grudge he ignores the person warning us! And what happens? I die! Shit on a stick, he was practically handed the information on a golden plate and he just brushed it away! I have three employee disciplinary hearings this week! And a group of twelve new hires to on board! I don’t have the time to be dead! Stupid green asshole!”
Well, guess she didn’t need to worry about him. She was also pretty sure that if Selim agreed to return to Osiris there would be a significant amount of groveling involved from the god, and a massive amount of swearing from the avatar. He was currently swearing in Latin; Taweret didn’t know that mortals even knew words like that anymore.
“Ahh, I’m here to bring you back. All of you.”
The man ceased his yelling and the others stopped their rowdy jokes. “Did that ass send you?” Selim questioned her.
“No. But I don’t think that it is right that you guys were left here when he brought Khonshu’s avatars back, so I am going to bring you back myself. And if he has a problem with it, well, he will get to experience the rage of Taweret. Hippos aren’t feared for nothing.”
“That ass brought back Marc and not us! What is his problem?”
Finnigan nudged Selim. “Hey, what do you call a coconut wearing sunglasses?”
“What?”
“A nudist.”
“No. Just no. Can we please get out of here?” the man begged Taweret.
“Of course. Now come on, I’m going to have to figure out how to get through the gates…”
“You know, technically Anubis is the gatekeeper, Osiris just just owns the gates. I wouldn’t be surprised if you could open them yourself, seeing as how you are serving in the place of Anubis.” Selim had a great deal of knowledge about the gates thanks to Osiris. The god liked to talk, he would ramble on about everything and anything. He was almost as bad as Khonshu. Almost.
“You are a genius! Let’s go!” Taweret rushed to the front of the ship and the wheel. She turned the ship around and headed towards the gates once again. “Now, how do I open these things? Hocus pocus? No. Open sesame? No. Hmmm…”
“Try ‘maftuh lilmawtaa’” Selim told her.
“Oh! Of course, how silly of me. maftuh lilmawtaa, open for the dead!”
The gates swung open, granting passage back to the mortal realm. Taweret pulled the boat to a halt and lowered a gang plank. “Well, go on now. Get back to your bodies, I don’t want to see you again anytime soon! At least, not here. Oh! Say hi to Layla for me! And give Osiris hell!”
The avatars left the boat and crossed back into the mortal world. They entered back into their bodies and found that the battle was over, Ammit had been defeated. Words were had with their gods, especially Osiris. But in the end they did agree to serve their gods again, but on the condition that they would listen the next time someone told them that there was a lunatic trying to release a genocidal goddess.
—--
Marc looked at his phone and saw the numerous messages in the chat group. They were all about coconuts.
Avatar Chat Group
Marc: WHY COCONUTS!!!
Selim: Why not?
Aya: Cause Coco-Nuts
Finnigan: Did you know that both coconuts and men have milk?
Jake: Tree to the coconuts in a hurricane-hold your nuts, this is going to be a wild blowjob!
Yatzil: Because Hippos.
—
Marc sighed. He was never going to figure out why they were so obsessed with coconuts.