Chapter 3
“JARVIS, where’s Tony?”
“Sir is unavailable.”
The response worried Steve to no end.
Hi, Tony. I was wondering if you wanted to get lunch together? Yours, Steve.
Tony used to tease Steve about his texts sounding like emails, rather than text messages. Steve used to do it on purpose because he knew Tony got a kick out of it. But there was no response.
It had been 48 hours since Steve had last seen Tony, and with every passing hour, Steve found himself increasingly restless. Tony wanted to die. That was so clear. And Steve had let him escape his grasp once again? This was out of Steve’s hands, and he needed to tell someone else. Although, Tony was quite adament on his privacy being respected.
72 hours after Tony’s last appearance, Steve told the team about what Tony was saying that night when he was drunk. Natasha was strangely silent.
96 hours, and JARVIS was disabled. They enlisted outside help. Pepper and Rhodey.
120 hours, and Tony was found in a hotel in Canada after he picked up one of Pepper’s calls.
“I’m an adult! I’m allowed to disappear!” Tony yelled over Pepper’s phone, which she held on speakerphone with an outstretched arm, almost like a bomb.
“Why are you in Canada of all places?” Rhodey yelled right back, leaning over the phone.
“Far away from the lab.”
“Tony, get this idea out of your head that you’re some kind of killer robot. You’re not. You’re human,” Rhodey said angrily.
“Fuck, Rogers. I get drunk one night and you tell everyone everything I said?” Tony said, venom in his tone.
“You need help, Tony,” Steve said sternly, calmly, although his heart was racing.
“You don’t understand.”
“What don't I understand?” Rhodey asked, exasperated. “You never explain yourself.”
“That I’m human,” Tony said, his voice faltering, like he was searching for the words but just couldn’t find them. “That's a bad thing.”
“It’s not a bad thing.” Rhodey matched Tony’s tone, going gentler. Steve thought Tony and Rhodey’s dynamics were very strange, especially concerning how closed off Tony always was. How Rhodey ever learned anything about the man was a miracle. Amid all that, though, Rhodey knew Tony like the back of his hand.
“Ever heard of human error?”
“Tony-”
“My mistakes will have much more impact. I’m flashy, and big, and dramatic, everything has to be impactful. I’ve killed more people than I want to know, I’ve nearly killed myself. Human error, Rhodes.”
“Just come home.”
“No.”
“I’m gonna call in the big guns,” Rhodey warned, nodding to Pepper.
Then Pepper demanded he come home using her superpowers, and soon enough, it seemed that the dust had settled.
Well, it had settled so quickly that Steve got a little bit suspicious. Tony was doing too well for someone who had been so close to a mental breakdown just a week ago. He seemed happy, he cooked and ate with the team, and even hung out with them. He was so much more social than Steve had ever seen him be. Rhodey had gone back to work and Pepper resumed her regular hours after just two days with him, so Steve figured that if anything was still wrong, Pepper and Rhodey seemed to have it under control.
But JARVIS still wasn’t operational.
Steve caught Tony in the elevator one evening. “Tony. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about a few things-”
“Ah, I’m busy. Sorry,” Tony interrupted, clearly distracted by a task at hand.
Steve frowned. “Is there a time I can-”
“I’ll let you know. Later.” Tony said, getting off the elevator on his lab’s floor without sparing a second glance.
Steve, a little hurt, just followed him. “It’s about JARVIS. And Barnes. I just- what are you doing?”
Tony had grasped the door handles to his lab and pulled, five times. They didn’t give way. “Nothing. Sorry, Cap. I’m busy.”
Tony turned back to the elevator. Steve followed. “I promise this will only take a few seconds.”
Tony had yet to make eye contact. “No can do. I’m a busy man.”
“Doing what? Your lab doors are locked, JARVIS is down, and Ms Potts took you off your SI duty for the time being!” Steve snapped, confused by the sudden avoidance.
That made Tony look up. “How do you know that?” he asked sharply. “Who told you that?”
“Uh, Ms Potts did.” Steve didn’t know that was private information.
“Look, Rogers,” Tony sighed, his posture slumping, his busy facade falling away too easily. “I’m not in the headspace where I can do things for you at the moment.”
“Oh. No, of course. I’m sorry,” Steve quickly backtracked. “It’s just you… you seem like you’re doing better now. I just thought-”
“It’s alright,” Tony waved him off. “Don’t worry about me. I’m getting it sorted out. I’ll see you.”
Tony stepped off onto his private floor. Steve frowned and pressed the button for the common floor, pieces falling into place. Tony would never just openly admit to not being in tip-top shape. Tony just wanted Steve off his back.
Tony was avoiding him.
--
“What are you doing?” Steve asked. It was early morning, fresh after a nightmare, and Tony was in the elevator.
Steve expected an answer along the lines of What are you doing, hypocrite? Up at a time like this? or even something about nightmares, if Tony was feeling vulnerable, but he just shook his head and said something so quietly that Steve had to strain to hear.
“Gotta check the doors,” Tony mumbled, mostly to himself, clearly sleep deprived.
The response confused Steve, appropriately so, and he followed Tony to his lab. Tony pulled on the door handles five times and left. Steve stayed, a little confused, a whole lot concerned, but he remembered their last encounter; this seemed to be some sort of routine for him. He waited, and fifty minutes later, Tony returned.
“The doors are locked,” Steve said, taking a step towards Tony.
“Gotta check.” He was still half-asleep. He pulled on the door handle five times, then turned for the elevator again.
Steve had seen this behaviour before. He’d had a buddy a long time ago who had to do things in patterns; they wouldn’t let him enlist because of that. Steve set a timer for fifty minutes and sure enough, Tony was back, right on time. “Tony. What are you doing?”
“Gotta check the doors are locked.”
“These are… OCD symptoms,” Bruce said worriedly when Steve told him what was happening. “I’m gonna talk to him.”
“Well, we know where he is, now. Every fifty minutes. Like clockwork,” Steve said sadly. “I don’t know if that’s better or worse. He seems to be doing better than before, though.”
“That’s because it’s a coping mechanism. It brings temporary relief. You feel safe at the moment,” Bruce said through gritted teeth, dread in his eyes. “It helps you cope until it consumes you.”
Steve and Bruce waited by the lab doors for Tony, sat against the wall. Steve had hope. As long as Bruce was here, Tony would be okay. There was a doctor, and there were symptoms; from there, there could be a diagnosis, and from there, a prescription, and Tony would be back to normal.
Tony appeared from the elevator eventually.
“Tony, we want to talk to you,” Bruce said, standing up. Steve quickly stood up as well.
Tony essentially ignored him until the door handle was tested five times. “What about?”
“We’re worried about… your thing with checking that the doors are locked,” Bruce said calmly.
Tony, on the other hand, looked like a deer in headlights. “Why?”
“Because… it’s very obsessive. And compulsive,” Bruce said, obviously hinting at something.
“But at least I’m not working, right?” Tony said, as if convincing himself. “I’m here and I’m not running away. I’m not even drinking anymore.”
Bruce nodded. “Are you in control?”
“Of course I’m in control,” Tony scoffed, looking unsure.
“You know the doors are locked, Tony,” Steve said, looking carefully at Bruce to see if he was saying the right thing. Bruce nodded. “You check every fifty minutes.”
“Just gotta make sure.” Tony shrugged. “None of you check your car door when you leave it in a parking lot?”
“Why do you check the lab, though? You already know.”
“Because if they’re not locked then I can lock them. Duh.” Tony looked ready to run away.
“Why would they be unlocked?” Bruce challenged.
“Because I didn’t check that they were locked,” Tony said matter-of-factly.
“And that means that they’re unlocked?”
“No. But they could be. Have you heard about Schrodinger's cat? The uncertainty principle?” Tony said quickly. “Bruce would. I don’t know about you, Cap. Until I check it, it is both unlocked and locked. It’s gotta be locked.”
“I think you might want to talk to a doctor about these… behaviours,” Bruce said carefully. “These aren’t normal.”
“I don’t like doctors.” Tony waved the suggestion away. “I’m fine.”
“You are losing sleep over this.” Bruce closed his eyes in quiet frustration. “You need to get checked out.”
“I'm not crazy,” Tony said defensively.
“I’m not saying you are,” Bruce quickly backtracked.
“Then I don’t need to see a doctor.” Tony turned to leave. “There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“Let me ask you again: are you in control of this behaviour?” Bruce said.
“Yes.” Tony was at the elevator.
“Tony. Stop. You know you can talk to us about anything,” Steve said, taking large strides to be next to him. “You’re losing sleep over this. You and I both know that there’s something up. You’ve told me enough that I know to be worried about this, and you running away isn’t going to work anymore. And even if you do run away, we know where you’ll be in fifty minutes.”
Tony seemed frozen in place, his posture rigid and stiff.
“What’s wrong, Tony?” Bruce followed up gently.
“Just sometimes I feel if I get up on the left side of the bed I’ll die,” Tony blurted out. “I feel like if I don’t check that all my blueprints are gone that we’ll die. I check the oven and all my locks five times every five hours, same with my email, my phone, and the news. Or else I’ll overlook something and we’ll all die. Do you sense a common theme here?” Tony looked on the verge of tears.
“Have you tried to stop?” Bruce said, a professional mask sliding easily on his face.
“I can’t stop,” Tony whispered. “Or else we'll all die.”
“So you’re not in control.”
Tony shook his head, looking mighty uncomfortable. “Can you- Rogers, can you go?”
Steve nodded while Bruce looked at him apologetically. “I hope you feel better soon, Tony.”
--
Steve made the easy decision to bench Tony until he figured out what was going on.
Tony took the news with ease, and JARVIS was even back online; Tony was in his lab again. But then a series of explosions later signalling the whole team to suit up and face whatever threat had appeared in Tony’s lab and-
The Iron Man suits were all gone.
“You benched me. There’s no reason for Iron Man to be here anymore,” Tony said monotonously, like he had rehearsed it so many times that the line lost its meaning.
“Tony,” Steve said, feeling sick, unable to peel his eyes away from the debris. It smelled like smoke and Tony was in the middle of it, his hair sticking up in all directions, a hollow look on his face.
“Get out.”
Steve left. The rest of the team followed. It was only until the doors were closed and they were halfway to the elevator that someone spoke:
“You dick,” Clint said through gritted teeth, punching Steve right in the jaw.
A moment of shock later, Steve was suddenly furious. He rubbed at his face, feeling the bruise already forming. “What the hell was that for?”
“Can’t you see? You’re the reason he did this!” Clint yelled. “He’s so worried about turning into the enemy that he’s just ridding the world of his tech. We need him! Making him feel useless by benching him when he needs to feel needed is, full offense, Cap, one of the worst decisions you’ve ever made.”
“You didn’t hear him the other day,” Steve muttered.
“Because you don’t tell us anything! I didn’t even know he was missing or even upset until you called us in a panic because you haven’t heard from him in four days,” Clint stressed. “Please! We’re a team! But you just make all of the decisions and expect us to be a-ok with them!”
“I concur,” Thor broke in. “Communication is imperative, Captain. I would not have known about Stark’s ailments if you did not tell us. If we had been blessed with this knowledge beforehand-”
“Exactly!” Clint blurted out angrily, interrupting Thor. “Thank you. See? Even the God agrees!”
“Clint- Clint. He’s right. You didn’t hear him the other day,” Bruce said, taking Steve’s side. “He’s not well, and he can’t be on call right now.”
“Why wasn’t that communicated to us?” Natasha said calmly. But not too calmly; if Steve looked hard enough, he could see the stress on her face, and it looked strange on her.
“We figured he would want some privacy,” Bruce said.
“We! Who's we! I can’t help but feel a little left out of the loop, here,” Clint continued. “Come on. What kind of team is this? I bet he even destroyed his helper bots.”
Clint stormed off. “Can’t say I blame him,” Nat said with a shrug, and followed.
Steve and Bruce looked at each other. “We’re in the right here. Right?” Steve asked.
“I do disapprove of your methods, friends,” Thor said sadly. “Sometimes to sacrifice one's dignity for survival is necessary. Do tell the next time there is something bothering you, as we care for Stark just as much as you do. Do not think that just because we are not captains or doctors that we cannot help.”
Thor’s soft-spoken disappointment hurt more than Clint’s punch did.