If Only

Shuri’s Pov

She’s still pissed. Even after she spared him and told herself that she would have to forgive him for the good of their nations. She couldn’t find it in her heart to forgive him. She still wanted to see him bleed and that was reflected in her dreams.

Well, that and something else; something she’s not proud of. She still dreams of making him bleed but only when she’s clawing his back from him pounding into her guts. She can still feel how deep he got in her on some days.

“Shuri?” She can’t get out of her own head most days. She tries to, but her mind is still swirling from the information she got last week. Someone snaps their fingers in front of her face but she just couldn’t muster up the energy to respond. She looks down at the half-eaten brown sugar oatmeal and internally gags. Her stomach couldn’t hold much since her mother died. But she guesses that chronic tears and night terrors would do that to a person.

“Shuri, if you don’t start talking to me, I'm calling Okoye.” She pops up at her older sister’s (not biologically) name and finally acknowledges her sister-in-law.

“What do you want, Nakia?” she croaks the question out before coughing. Nakia hands her a cup of water and she gulps it down.

“I'm taking you home and getting you out of this hotel,” Nakia said before walking off toward the bedroom, “You aren’t answering my calls and Toussaint misses you, you said you would call him.” Shuri's heart breaks at the mention of her beloved nephew. He’s the spitting image of her late brother and a total sweetheart. Toussaint and her got along so well in the month they knew each other, but when the night terrors started, she knew she had to leave. She couldn’t let him see her like that and she wouldn’t make Nakia take care of her.

“I’m fine, it's just night terrors, I’m just grieving,” Shuri followed Nakia into her room, which isn’t too good-looking. The bed is messy, Pedialyte bottles are on the floor and her clothes are in a pile in the corner.
“This isn’t grieving, you’re sick, and I'm going to take care of you, end of discussion.” Nakia says, pulling Shuri's suitcase up onto the queen-sized bed. She starts piling Shuri’s clothes into the suitcase and suddenly, Shuri’s eyes are welling up. At times like this, she wishes she had her mother with her. But she guesses Nakia will have to do for now. with her arms around her and sitting her on the bed, hugging her close as her body caves in on itself.

“Nakia, I'm tired,” she sobs on the woman’s shoulder.

“I know, I felt that way when you and T’Challa were gone - ”

“No, not like that, I’m tired of lying, I need to tell someone.”

“What happened? Did Namor do something to you down there?” Nakia’s concern for her is evident in her voice.

“No, well yes, I wanted him to, and I liked it. He was sweet and respectful, he never did anything I didn’t want. We talked a lot and I- I - ” Shuri can’t get the next words out.

“You fell for him,” Nakia finishes while rubbing Shuri’s back. Shuri nods as her tears finally stop falling.

“And then he killed my mother and waged war on Wakanda.”

“You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?”

“I want his head on the royal spear, I want to feed his insides to the wild dogs, I want to see him bleed.”

“That doesn’t mean you still don’t want him.”

“No, it does not, and that’s the problem. I want to fully hate him so badly; it would make it so much easier.”

“If we could choose who we loved, life, in general, would be easier.”

“You don’t hate me?” Shuri asks, playing with her shirt instead of facing Nakia.

“It’s none of my business who you lay with and you beat him black and blue after what he did to Queen Mother. Also, I could never hate you, you’re my sister,” Nakia says, smiling softly at Shuri. “Even when you iced me out for an entire year.” Shuri laughs and rolls her eyes. Nakia gets up and starts cleaning up the room starting with the clothes.

“You deserved it, especially after keeping my cute nephew away from me for so long.” Nakia rolls her eyes and throws a dirty shirt at Shuri’s head. Shuri barks out laughter and gets up to fight her sister-in-law, who is already in a defensive stance.

_______________

The two women leave the hotel and pack Shuri’s belongings into the Uber. On the way home, Shuri’s stomach churns with unknown anxiety. She hadn’t exactly told Nakia everything, there were still some unforeseen side effects from the synthetic herb that she probably won’t be telling her, ever.

“I got some fish from the market this morning but I haven’t de-scaled them yet,” Nakia says walking to the back of the house as Shuri looks at the clear-eyed golden fish laying flat on the table in a container. Her mouth watered at their sea fresh smell. Before she took the new herb, she never would have looked twice at any fish. In fact, she hated their grainy taste when cooked or the slimy feel they had in her mouth when she tried them raw once.

That’s why it shocks her when she rushes over to the countertop and grabs the golden fish - that’s bigger than her head - before sinking her teeth into its scaly flesh. The guts were buttery and she would have continued had she not heard the gasp behind her. She drops the half-eaten fish back into the container and turns around to see her cute little nephew with the most disgusted look on his face.

“I don’t think you’re supposed to eat the scales, auntie,” Toussaint says, grabbing a paper towel and handing it to her. Shuri laughs even though she is absolutely mortified at what she did.

“You’re probably right. I don’t know why I did that, but please don’t tell your mother.” Toussaint arches his little brows at her and looks like he is about to respond, but Nakia walks in right at that moment.

“Don’t tell me what?”

“Uh - ”

“Okay - well, Toussaint, go to your room and finish up.”

“Yes, Mama.”

“Shuri, your clothes are being washed, so go take a shower; I have to go back to the market real quick.” Shuri watched as her sister-in-law left with a large empty bag on her shoulder. She stood for several minutes before she went back to munching on her fish.
_________________

“She isn’t suspicious at all?” The talking hologram asks.

“No.” She answers.

“I get that you’re upset that we have to do it this way, but we both know she’s too stubborn to come of her own free will.”

“I know that, I just don’t want to lose what little trust I have with her already.”

“You won’t, just make sure she’s ready in two days.”

“Okay and just so we’re clear, your inside men know that the attack plan is being discussed already and they know we’re here.”

“I’ve checked multiple times, Nakia, they’re monitoring all three of you from afar. It’s time you all came home, where we can keep you safe.” Nakia clicks off the call with Okoye on her Kimoyo beads. She looks straight into the man’s eyes in front of her. His green booty shorts are on, his trusty staff is in his left hand and he is lacking his usual neck jewelry. If she actually gave a damn about his emotional state she would say something but she didn’t.

“Heard all you need?” She asks.

“Yes, we will have soldiers on standby for the next two days.” He responds.

“Good.” She turns around to leave quickly. But Namor’s next question makes her turn back with a fire lit in her heart. Venom filled her teeth and she was ready to strike at the feathered serpent

“How is she?”

“You know she told me what happened while she was down there,” Nakia says, “I see now why you didn’t really try to kill her. You’re in love with her, but ruined any chances you had with her the moment you killed her mother. So I think it’s best that you clear your head of whatever delusions of whatever future you think you might have with her.” Nakia turns around and heads back towards the market. She doesn’t see the tortured look on Namor’s face, as she only hears the splash of the river water.