Beautiful Lie
Loki felt a sort of mean satisfaction in the days following his discovery of the passageway. It was thrilling knowing something so vital was all his own, and frustrating. Worth it to watch his oblivious brother and stupid friends try to get close with the gatekeeper in order to gain their own passage though. They were dependent on the whims of another, Loki was free.
His good mood was tangible to all, and most thought it had something to do with their pretty visitor. He had been spending time with Idunn lately. He enjoyed her company and her kisses, but she was not the reason for his happiness. That was solely due to his carefully guarded secret. He was also enjoying Sigyn’s disgust and irritation at having to play chaperone to his and Idunn’s ventures.
She sat not too far away with a book in hand trying to ignore the quiet hum of his conversation, though her mind was distracted and Loki felt it’s focus. He and Idunn had reclaimed their bench beside the garden pool. They sat close together and Idunn was playing with his fingers, her head on his shoulder. Her skin was warm and soft. She was wearing pink, a few shades darker than Sigyn’s favorite color. A gold snake curled like a collar around her throat and slithered down towards her collarbone, leading the eye lower. In contrast Sigyn wore a simple blue dress covered in paint stains, a leather belt cinched around her waist. What looked like deer antlers were stitched into the leather. Her hair was loose and her skirt rode up around her legs revealing her calves.
“Would you let me play with your hair?” Idunn asked suddenly.
Loki blinked, “My hair? No.” When he was a child Loki had worn it short, now it reached his shoulders and was carefully slicked back away from his face. Thor let his tangle and flop around everywhere, it was horribly messy. Loki much preferred a cleaner look as opposed to his brother’s ruffian style. He was a prince, a diplomat, and a strategist. He was not a common, dirty soldier. Neither was Thor, but you’d only know it because of the slightly better and decorative quality of his armor.
Idunn smiled wryly, “Sigyn said you wouldn’t.”
Loki snorted, “Sigyn likes to pretend she knows me it seems.”
“She does know you,” Idunn replied, “Every question I ask she has an answer. I know the foods you hate, your favorite wine, and that you twirl your knife when you’re bored all because of her.”
Loki paused. Sigyn couldn’t know all that. They hated each other, there was no reason for her to know that. Knowing meant that in some way or another she cared and she didn’t. Neither did he. He didn’t know anything about what she liked to eat, she didn’t drink, and the only reason that he knew she could appear interested and attentive when zoned out was because she did it to him all the time. Maybe she knew him best, but she barely knew him at all. Just as he barely knew her, and neither of them felt motivated to learn more. Whatever Idunn knew or thought she knew was false or luck. Sigyn didn’t know him, no one did.
“You’re wrong.”
“Because you hate each other?” Idunn asked but it sounded almost mocking.
“Yes, exactly,” Loki snapped, irritation flaring at the idea that she would dare suggest otherwise. If they didn’t hate each other then how did he explain the overwhelming wave of emotion whenever he saw her? It wasn’t a nice feeling and Loki hated it almost as much as he hated her.
“Some people say there’s a fine line between love and hate,” she sounded jealous but Loki was much more concerned with her words than her feelings.
“We hate each other!” he said fiercely, “It will never be anything more!” there was no room for argument. Everything about her made his insides freeze over with hatred, so cold it burned, and she felt the same way. He had given her no reason to feel anything else and he had no plan to. Even if she didn’t care about his shifting.
Idunn sat straight up, a challenge in her eyes as she met his gaze, “and you love me.” she said, but it was a question. One with a correct answer. Her voice was firm when she issued it, but her eyes begged him to agree with her, to say those three words.
He knew what he was supposed to say, but he hesitated to say it. Hesitated because it wouldn’t be true. And he hesitated because if he said otherwise, she would leave him and he would have no one all over again. But she didn’t love him, no matter how strongly she felt for him. She didn’t know him and couldn't love him. What happened when he shifted? Would she still? Or when whatever spell broke and she became aware of Thor’s superiority? When would she tire of the suspicious glances and dirty looks? When would she throw her own?
Her expression darkened, sensing the negative answer, “You love me, Loki. Say it, please.”
Loki could sense the ears of Idunn’s lady in waiting not too far away. The pages of her book had stopped turning to allow for easier access to the conversation. Her attention only served to feed his panic and anger, it was another challenge. Don’t hurt her or I’ll hate you forever. Are you even capable of love? Well she already hated him and he enjoyed it, besides, did she want him to lie?
He raised his chin in defiance, meeting Idunn’s gaze with his own even stare. He didn’t need her affection, he didn’t need anyone's. “I do not.”
Her face crumpled, he could see the tears she desperately tried to keep back. He ignored the pang of guilt and sorrow, keeping his own face cool and impassive.
“I don’t love you,” he said again, “and you don’t love me.”
She shook her head, “I kissed you! I thought you loved me.”
“You don’t love me Idunn.” he repeated firmly, “You barely know me.”
“I’d like to.”
Loki laughed. She’d like to. No one would like to. “No you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t love me then. Leave me now, confident in your own feelings and confident in mine. I do not love you, but you can pretend to love me.”
“Loki Odinson!” the lady shouted, she surged up and away from the bench in one angry motion, “Why can’t you let yourself be cared for?! Are you so determined to be hated?”
“I am hated,” he snarled, following her to his feet, “You were the exception, not the rule, and you made up your mind without an ounce of information.”
“What information could possibly make me hate you?!” Idunn asked. They stood a few feet from each other as if closing the distance would somehow snap something vital. Her hands clenched into fists at her sides. He stood calmly, nothing to betray the turmoil within.
“Ask Sigyn,” he answered savagely, “she apparently knows me best and she hates me, every bit. Did she tell you I’m narcissistic? That I’m cruel? That I enjoy hurting others? Did she tell you I’m a horrible person, not worth your trouble? That I’m a liar and a cheat and untrustworthy?” his insides were ice, his own hands clenched, wanting to break something the way he was broken.
“None of that is true!” Idunn shook her head, tears having escaped down her flushed cheeks.
“Oh, but it is,” he smiled, “I was eight the first time I stabbed my brother and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t enjoyed it.” he had enjoyed it, the trick, the look on Thor’s face when he realized what had happened. He hadn’t enjoyed the consequences. He hadn’t enjoyed the warm, sticky flood of red and the fear that maybe he had gone too far. He had hated watching his brother's face go white and seeing him rushed to healers. He had cried himself to sleep until Thor had again joined him in their shared room and then he hadn’t dared. He was too stubborn to show remorse. But he remembered climbing into his brother’s bed with him and hugging him close because he had been so scared. So scared he wouldn’t get him back.
“Why are you saying this?” Idunn cried. She no longer stood straight and rigid, her shoulders slumped and her hands uncurled. Her anger was gone but her tears were not.
“Because you didn’t know. Do you love me now, my lady? Do you see me?”
She was staring at him with a look of betrayal and hurt. There was no love in it anymore, and he was glad. He was.
“I don’t think you’re being fair,” still she argued.
“If I was, I'd be breaking character,” he replied, “Take a hint, I don’t deserve your love and I don’t want it.”
“Yes you do, everyone wants to be loved. Why are you making it so hard?”
“I don’t care about you!” he shouted, the words an explosion of anger and frustration and sorrow. All of his hurt fueled him. She was not the one who had been betrayed. She was a beautiful lie, teasing and unobtainable. Her words burned and yet he would gladly walk into the fire. He wanted to, but he wouldn’t. It wasn’t real. It wouldn’t last. Her eyes watered again and she retreated farther back. “Find someone who does,” he told her.
She swallowed, “Fine. You win, but I don’t think you’ll celebrate. Maybe I should.”
He didn’t let himself flinch. She was right. She was free of him and only good things could come of that. He had done that much for her. He nodded and she turned away and left him in the garden. When she was gone from view Loki collapsed back on the bench, his head dropping to his hands. He did not regret it. He didn’t. In fact he was relieved, he was free of her now too, no longer burdened by the vulnerable dependency that came with being intimate, or the weight of another’s expectations. Maybe he would celebrate. He dragged his hands over his face and let them drop to his lap. He was greeted by Sigyn. She sat watching him silently. There was no hatred in her expression. It was worse, disappointment.
He bristled, “What?” he snapped.
She shook her head, “You’re pathetic.” she murmured.
“Am I? How so?”
“You’re scared, you’re scared to love and be loved and you’re scared of being known.”
He sneered, “You know me so well.”
“You’re not that hard to read,” she countered, “Idunn would have loved you if you let her. You drove away someone who genuinely cared and who only wanted to know you. She wanted to love all of you, if only you had let her.”
“What a tragedy.” He drawled standing again, “Those people aren’t real. Even if she got to know me and didn’t run, the second I shifted it would have been over. All of me,” he chuckled, “Not even my brother loves all of me.” He was better off alone anyways. Sigyn’s hatred was the only thing he could rely on and he was content with that.
“You don’t know that,” Sigyn pushed, “Maybe she would have stayed.”
“Did you tell her about yourself?” Loki challenged. Sigyn sighed and shook her head, “Then don’t tell me that I should.”
She nodded, standing as well, “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“Any apology you give is just to make sure you keep your head,” he reminded her.
“Maybe sometimes I genuinely feel sorry for you.”
Loki’s lip curled in disgust, “I don’t need your pity.” Not when she had her own problems. Not when he could see the occasional bruises she tried to hide. He didn’t need her pity and he didn’t want it. He was a prince and a God. He needed no one’s approval, no one’s affection, and no one’s pity.
She rolled her eyes, “And I don’t need to be talking to you right now, but here we are.”
“I hate you,” he growled.
“Good,” she replied, just as venomously and left him in the garden.