Unnatural
Loki sat half excluded from the circle with Thor, Sif, and the others. He was always half excluded, never welcomed. They were supposed to be his friends too, but he knew he was only tolerated because he was a prince, because he was Thor’s brother, and because, despite everything, Thor wanted him around.
“Volstagg,” Sif smiled maliciously. Loki was pretty sure his malicious smiles were much better. Sigyn would probably disagree though. He hated her, just the mere thought of her put him in a bad mood. He remembered the sting of her slap, she had left her own slightly smaller, slightly less visible handprint on his face.
Sif continued, “I dare you to kiss someone sitting in this circle, but it can’t be me.”
Volstagg gaped, “I can’t do that! They're all guys. I can’t kiss another boy.”
Sif cackled, and flipped her long stupid ponytail, “So what are you gonna do?” she teased, sitting back smugly, ready to observe the chaos. There was a reason Loki was the God of mischief and he felt maybe they could do with a reminder. Also he was tired of being ignored. The entire game he had barely been included and he was sick of it.
“Fandral’s the prettiest,” Loki suggested with a wink in Fandral’s direction.
The blonde warrior grinned, “Damn right!” He was considered almost as attractive as Thor by a wide populace of teenage girls. Loki figured everyone just had a thing for dumb blondes. Blue eyes were also appreciated. He preferred persons with a bit more substance of mind.
Volstagg made a face even as they all laughed, “Still can’t do it.”
It was Loki’s turn to grin mischievously as he let himself shift, “You’d prefer a girl?” Loki asked, voice smooth and slightly higher. He- or was it she now- didn’t really want to kiss Volstagg but she thought her new trick would get a memorable reaction. This would teach them to sideline Loki.
It did. Fandral shouted uncomfortable laughter, Hogun grimaced, Sif chuckled, though there was no warmth, Volstagg looked horrified, and her own brother cringed slightly.
“Brother,” Thor choked out amidst his own uncomfortable laughter, “I love you, but that is not natural.”
“I think you’d call me sister now,” Loki teased.
“I am not kissing you,” Volstagg said firmly, he was trying to smile and play it off, but his disgust was evident. Loki didn’t care. She didn’t.
“Let’s play a new game,” Sif decided, avoiding her direction and looking anywhere but.
“Please shift back,” Thor begged.
Loki obeyed. No one would look at him, but hadn’t that been the goal? A reaction? But not exile. Shifting was a natural born gift he had been given. Did it hurt to hear Thor describe it as disgusting and wrong? The one person who seemed to want him around no matter what he did? Of course it didn’t. He wondered cruelly how they would react to knowing their new friend Sigyn had a crush on Sif. Was that unnatural? He almost let it slip, but he didn’t. He hated her, but he wasn’t that mean. No matter how he played differently.
“Why don’t we play that hide and seek game you like so much,” Sif offered. Maybe Loki was wrong. Maybe she didn’t mind as much. Maybe she didn’t hate him for his new trick, “You hide first, Loki.”
“So generous,” Loki smiled, but it wasn’t real. The offer wasn’t out of kindness. It was her clever way of getting him out of sight. They wouldn’t look for him, “But I think I’ll decline. There’s someone I promised to meet with. Your seeking skills are wanting, and I’d hate to be late.” He stood up and left them there. His insides were frozen, a shield of ice keeping him protected, holding him together.
He had half a mind to seek out Sigyn, he could always count on her to be an outlet for his anger. He was pretty sure she enjoyed it too, but he couldn’t help but fear she would find him unnatural as well. He shouldn’t care what she thought, he didn’t care, but he didn’t want to see her look at him with a new brand of disgust or insult him with a new brand of insults. So he simply wandered. He found himself in a hall with a great mirror stretching across one of the walls. He stared into the glass and slowly let his shape blur and reform.
Certain features were the same, he- she was still recognizable. Her eyes were the same almond shaped green, her hair was the same shoulder length black, chin still narrowed, and pointed nose the same. She was still Loki, just feminine. She let her hands travel the shape of her body. She was still tall, thin, and muscled, but with new, slight curves to navigate. She didn’t hate this form. She didn’t hate it, but other people did. It was unnatural.
As she studied herself, Loki became aware of a conversation taking place down the hall and around the corner.
“Sigyn!” It was Sif who said it, “Hey I was looking for you.”
“What do you need?” Sigyn asked, Loki could hear the hope in her voice that maybe Sif had been looking for her for reasons other than simple favors.
“I was wondering if you wanted to come play a game with us. We finally got rid of Loki but we need six players.”
She hated that Sif’s words stung. She didn’t care what Sif thought about her or her shapeshifting. So why did it have to hurt?
“Sure I’ll play.”
“Great! You won’t believe what that snake did. He shifted into a girl! Right in front of us! It was disgusting.”
Sigyn giggled, “Why, what happened?”
There was a slight pause and then Sif repeated herself, a bit slower. Like she was just waiting for Sigyn to catch up. There was no doubt in Sif’s mind that that younger girl would agree. “He turned into a girl. It’s unnatural.”
The hall went silent and Loki waited apprehensively for Sigyn to agree, but instead she said, “Isn’t shape shifting an ability you’re born with?”
“Well yeah.” Sif laughed lightly like Sigyn was the ignorant one between the two, “Shape shifting isn’t unnatural, but boys aren’t supposed to change into girls. That’s unnatural. It’s weird.”
Sigyn’s voice carried no element of amusement. Instead it was carefully blank and diplomatic. “I don’t think it’s unnatural. He’s a shapeshifter, he shifted his shape.”
“Whatever,” said Sif, judgment clear in her tone, “let’s go play.”
Loki waited to hear the sound of them running off, disagreement forgotten and put behind them because in the grand scheme of things, she and her shapes didn’t matter. The sound never came.
“I don’t think you want to hang out with me. I’m probably someone you would call unnatural too.” Sigyn said.
“You can’t shift into a boy.” But Sif sounded uncertain.
“No,” said Sigyn. There was a silence afterward. Loki crept closer straining to hear if Sigyn would admit to her feelings. “I’m not a shapeshifter.” She paused again, took a deep breath. “I like girls.”
There was another pause, “You don’t like boys?” asked Sif, hesitatingly.
“I like them too,” Sigyn disagreed. “I just figured if Loki’s natural born ability made you uncomfortable, so would I.” Loki could see Sigyn’s quiet defiance in his mind’s eye. She was no doubt making direct eye contact with the lady warrior, daring her to say something less than kind. What would she do then? She couldn’t fight her if it escalated.
Sif sounded panicky, thinly veiled with sugary sweetness, “I-no, I mean, it’s not normal, but it’s not wrong. Guys are jerks sometimes, I can understand looking elsewhere. If you wanna play you can, but if not, don’t feel bad. I’m sure we could figure it out with an odd number.”
“I used to like you, you know.”
“Me?” Sif repeated.
“Yeah. I guess I know better now.” Sigyn had been in love with Sif, had panicked at the idea of Sif finding her disgusting. Now she was openly expressing those feelings because she was no longer worried. Because Sif disgusted her.
Loki wasn’t sure what to do about this new development. They were supposed to hate each other, yet there Sigyn was, standing up for her. For them, she supposed. Something nagged at the back of her mind that maybe Sigyn wouldn’t be so open when she actually saw Loki’s female shape. When it was in front of her and not some fairytale, abstract idea.
“There is nothing wrong with Loki, or with me- don’t deny it, I can feel your judgment- and I no longer want to hang out with you because you seem to think there is.”
“You know what,” said Sif, “I think we can make do with five.”
“Good, you’ll have to.”
“Sorry, Sigyn.”
Loki listened to the sound of the older girl walking away. She was stuck so deep in her head that she didn’t realize Sigyn had turned into her hallway until she was right in front of her. She stiffened awaiting judgment. She was real now, how would Sigyn react?
The girl in question stopped with a yard or two still between them. Her eyes flicked over Loki’s form once, slowly and thoroughly as if she didn’t care how much the suspense was killing her. “That was not because I like you.”
“Anything else to say?” Loki baited, “You’re usually so fond of criticizing my shapes.”
Sigyn raised her eyebrows, “You look like you, but I don’t mind calling you ugly if that’s what you want to hear.”
Loki smiled and this time it was real.
“Gods I hate your smile.” But maybe Sigyn was smiling too. Just barely. Maybe her eyes darted quickly to the floor to hide.
Maybe Loki’s pulse sped up just a bit because maybe Sigyn thought she was pretty, “You’ve been saying that a lot. Perhaps I should smile at you more often.”
“As long as you don’t go blonde.”
Loki let herself shift back to her normal shape. He did prefer this one he decided. It was comfortable and familiar, even if Sigyn liked the other better. “I prefer not to make such promises. They’re too easy to break.”
“What a good person that makes you,” Sigyn mocked, “excuse me.” she pushed past him, leaving him grinning in her wake because there was a person who hated him, but not because of his shifting.