1
Steven always thought the best of his mum, well Marc’s mum, he wasn’t quite sure what to call her anymore. He loved her, he called her everyday, but as it turns out that phone was Marc’s and he never sent a single message to his mum. His life was a lie. It took him awhile to accept that their mum was not a good person, a damn terrible one actually. He still broke down sometimes over it on his bad days but Marc was patient with him. Two months later he had finally almost accepted the truth, almost.
~
It was one of those bad days when Steven was sitting at the table looking over at Gus’s tank, the postcards were still up despite Marc telling him they should take them down. Drip Drip Drip, the tap in the kitchen was broken and they weren’t able to turn it off all the way, the dripping sound made Steven more on edge. Drip Drip Drip Marc and Jake had gone to bed a hour ago, leaving Steven alone with his thoughts, a very bad thing. Drip Drip Drip he swore it was mocking him now, his fingers curled into his palms, making a crescent shaped indent. Drip Drip Drip Steven looked around the room for anything to distract himself with, but his eyes landed on the postcards.
He stood up and walked over to the tank, Gus 2.0 swam around mindlessly.
Paris was great! I do miss you love, but going around the world has been so fun! Anyway hope to catch you on the phone sometime,
Love Mum
He stared at the card, looking at the date. It was the day she died, Marc had written this the day their mum died. Tears sprang to the corners of his eyes. “No… No… not happening, not for you.” Steven whispered, but he still read more of them.
Hello from Rome! Oh Steven who knew Rome was so fantastic! Well most the population I guess, but it truly is lovely, hopefully you get a chance to go sometime. I do wish I could take you on these adventures! Love Mum
A few tears leaked from Steven’s eyes, despite his his best efforts. He still continued reading, though he didn’t know why. After every message the words ‘Love Mum’ stood, the lie. Suddenly that was all his mind could focus on. He grabbed a card off the tank and stared at the words.
Love Mum
Love Mum
Love Mum
Love Mum
Love Mum
Drip Drip Drip
Love Mum
Love Mum
Love Mum
Love Mum
Drip
Love
Drip
Mum
Drip
Love
Drip
Mum
Drip
Suddenly he was sobbing as he looked at the card, he cried for two reasons, because the love part was a lie, and guilt of knowing he was crying not for the abuse that woman had put Marc through but for himself and a lie. Steven’s knees have out as he started to pull on his hair. This sudden distress woke Marc up. ‘Steven, Buddy?’ Marc called but it fell on deaf ears, then his eyes found Steven on the floor ‘Buddy? What happened, are you alright?’ Steven could tell Marc was calling to him, but he couldn’t hear what the American was saying over his panic attack, not that Steven thought he could even talk right now. ‘Hey Steven, honey, you need to talk to me come on.’ Marc coaxed, after Steven still didn’t respond he looked around for any explanation. After a few moments he saw the postcard on the floor, wet with tears.
Steven started to hyperventilate, his head becoming light as he thought of all his memories of his mum, the good ones, the lies. Not enough air was getting into his lungs and Marc could see it, he could see the exact moment Steven got lost in his memories and but not completely disconnected from the world. But he could see Steven was still firmly in control, still sobbing, and close to passing out from lack of oxygen. ‘Steven, baby, you need to breathe for me’ Marc encouraged ‘Come on, come back to me, don’t get lost in the memories.’ Steven’s eyes looked a bit less distant, and he looked up at Marc with tear stained eyes.
‘Breathe Steven, Breathe’ Marc tried again, he had helped Steven out of a lot of panic attacks and knew how to deal with him now. Steven tried to take in deep breathes but they were just shuddering and not helpful. “C-c-can’t” Steven sobbed, letting go of his hair to claw at his neck “I-I c-can’t b-breathe.” Marc cursed himself internally, knowing by the look of pure terror on Steven’s face, he really thought he was getting no air into his lungs, this was indeed a very bad panic attack. Drip Drip Drip Steven covered his ears in distress ‘Hey Buddy focus on my voice okay? Now Breathe with me’ Marc whispered calmly. He breathed in and waited for Steven to do the same. After a moment he did, and they did this for about two minutes till Steven was calm enough for Marc to talk to him.
Steven curled his legs into his chest and rocked back and forth, staring at a point beyond Marc’s face. ‘Hey stay with me now, Steven?’ Marc said, snapping him back to the present, Steven hummed in response. ‘Can you tell me what happened?’ Marc asked, and Steven shook his head. ‘Do you wanna talk in here with me? I can wake Jake up and he can get us in bed, and we can all talk. How does that sound Buddy?’ Steven looked everywhere but Marc’s eyes as he nodded. A soft pressure built up in Steven’s head as Marc pulled him in back into their headspace.