“Stop, no, make it stop, please, stop,” you mumbled, stumbling backward out the door. You tangled your hands in your hair. The memories you’d worked so hard to bury were being yanked to the surface. You turned and started running blindly. Wherever you ended up would be better than in that training room. You had thought you could handle the psychic training.
Tears streamed down your cheeks, not that you noticed in your panic. You shook your head as if trying to shake the memories out.
The room was bright. So bright.
“This is going to hurt,” a man with a heavy Russian accent warned. He was wearing a lab coat. He must be your doctor. Why did you need a doctor? Were you hurt? You felt the needle being roughly stabbed into your chest. That wasn’t so bad. Then you felt it, and screamed. There was no accurate way to describe the pain. It felt like a fire roaring through your veins, but it somehow still felt colder than ice. It was the sharp pain of being stabbed repeatedly, but it also felt like your limbs were torturously being pulled apart.
You tried to curl into yourself, only to find that your arms and legs were chained to the bed. The pain never started to fade, it only intensified. You felt your vision start to blur, but a sharp slap to your face jolted you awake. You just wanted to sleep. You wished they would kill you already. Anything would be better than this.
You didn’t stop screaming until you blacked out, when even the sudden sting of a slap was unable to keep you conscious.
You kept running, your shadows creeping along behind you. You rarely ever cried as it was, but especially not while running through the halls of the compound.
Your head was bowed, and you didn't notice the person in front of you until you ran straight into them. You looked up through your tears to find that it was the God of Mischief himself. Great. Yet another person to ridicule your breakdown. You immediately ducked your head, trying to hide your tears, and shoved your way past him. You didn’t even offer an apology, you just kept running.
You started getting out of breath and stopped in one of the living areas. It wasn’t one of the most popular ones, so you gave up running and hoped no one would decide to use it today.
You paced around the room, hands clutched in your hair. You felt your thoughts spinning out of control. You hated the feeling. The complete loss of control, both physically and mentally. It only made the memories worse.
“Petal?”
You hadn’t heard him enter the room. You tried to scream at him to leave you alone, but the words wouldn’t come out of your mouth.
You tried to scream, kick, bite, yell, anything, but you couldn’t. It was like you were frozen, unable to do anything but watch, listen, and feel. So that was what you did.
You listened and watched as they talked in Russian. You felt their poking and prodding, the pain still radiating from every nerve in your body. You felt them drag you to a cell and dump you on the floor. You saw them look at you with evident disgust, and you heard them talk about you in Russian, their tone communicating the words you couln't understand. You felt every one of their punches and kicks and every one of their not-so-gentle caresses.
You felt all of it. But the worst thing you felt was utter and complete weakness. The only thing you'd had left in your life was yourself, your body. And in an instant, they had stripped you of it. You were powerless.
So instead of telling Loki to leave, you didn’t even acknowledge his presence. You just continued your pacing, unable to keep the tears from spilling from your eyes. You felt the shadows circling you, their darkness the only comfort you could find. The sight of them usually sent people running in fear, but Loki hardly seemed fazed.
“No, stop. Please, no, not again. Stop, stop, no, please, stop,” you whimpered.
“Petal, what happened?” Loki asked furiously, moving to stand next to you.
You couldn’t respond. You tried, but the words wouldn’t leave your lips. You sobbed in frustration, your shadows closing around you at your sudden spike in emotion.
“It’s alright little one, it's ok. I’ve got you.”
You felt a hand wrap around your wrist. You shook it, trying to get him to let go. He didn’t. Instead, he reached to take hold of your other wrist. He gently but firmly pulled them out of your hair.
“Darling, I need you to look at me, please.”
You kept your head bowed, but raised your eyes to meet his. His expression was nothing but concern. No amusement, no judgment, just unbridled worry.
“That’s very good, thank you.” He put your hands on his chest. “I need you to try and match my breathing. Can you do that for me?”
You tried to take a deep breath, but it was shaky and weak. You let out a small sob of frustration, unable to put it into words.
“That’s alright, my sweet. You’re doing very good. Just keep trying. Deep breath in,” he inhaled, “long breath out,” he exhaled. “That’s it, I’ve got you. You’re doing amazing. Keep going.”
You took another breath in, this time much calmer. You could feel his chest rise and fall, and you tried to match it. With every breath, you felt your shadows slipping back into place.
After a minute, your breathing had mostly calmed. He hadn’t let go of your hands but kept them pressed to his chest.
“Very good,” he praised, “well done, Petal.”
“I-I,” you stammered, trying to convey your thoughts. You took another deep breath and tried again. “I-I’m s-s-sorry. I d-d-didn’t—”
“Shhh,” he cut you off, “It’s alright, I promise. You’re okay. I’ve got you now, yeah?”
You felt a few tears trickle down your cheeks.
“Oh, darling, come here,” he said, pulling you towards him for a hug. He wrapped his arms around your back and pressed your head to his shoulder with his hand. You let him, too weak to fight back.
He guided you to the couch and sat down, pulling you down with him.
“You probably don’t want to talk about it right now, but when you do, I’m here, yes?”
You nodded into his shoulder.
“Good.” He rubbed circles into your back, whispering sweet nothings into your ear. You stayed like that for a while, and you felt your body gradually relaxing into his arms. You sighed softly, and he hummed into your hair.
“There you go. My sweet girl. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. It’s terrifying, I know. But I’ve got you now, yeah? You’re alright. You are safe.” he soothed, his voice calm and comforting.
You didn’t know how much time had passed when you heard F.R.I.D.A.Y. speak.
“Captain Rogers has requested your presence in conference room two. Shall I tell him you’re on your way?”
You startled at the sudden voice and jolted out of Loki’s arms. You stood abruptly and began to grow panicked once again. Your shadows flew to protect you once again, triggered by your sudden wave of fear.
“No, no, no, no. I-I-I can’t go. I c-c-can’t see th-th-them, n-n-not after— No. No. I’m not g-going, I c-c-can’t go. I j-j-just can’t,” you muttered quietly. You felt cool, soft hands cup your cheeks, tilting your head up. You glanced up and realized that Loki had risen to stand right next to you, his thumbs gently brushing your cheekbones.
“There you are, darling, look at me. You don’t have to go, okay? You can stay here, and I’ll go talk to Rogers. It’s going to be alright. Remember what we did earlier?” He moved his hands from your face to guide your hands to his chest. “Breathe with me, Petal. Try to match my breaths. In, and out. That’s it, my darling. Just breathe,” he instructed.
Once your breathing had steadied, your mind started to catch up with you.
“I’m so sorry,” you started, withdrawing your hands from his chest and stepping backward. “I’m being ridiculous. I—I can go talk to Steve. It’s fine, I’m alright. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m so sorry you had to deal with all this,” you gestured to yourself. “Uh, I’m gunna go now. I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I did that in front of you,” you stammered. You turned and started to walk to the door, quickly wiping the tears from your face as you went. Your shadows moved with you, the darkness a comforting shield around you.
“Petal, stop.” You turned to see Loki striding towards you. He moved in front of you, blocking the door.
“Loki, move!”
“No. Please, darling, just listen to me for one moment,” he pleaded. “You are not being ridiculous, and you are not alright. Do you think me utterly foolish? I am not blind, little one, and I wish you wouldn’t put that emotionless mask on whenever you are around me. You don’t have to hide yourself from me. Please, Petal. You are not alright, so stop pretending you are. Please, not for me, I’m begging you.” He paused, checking to see your reaction. You could feel tears threatening to spill, and you knew that your shadows were retreating to their natural state.
“Darling, I want to be here. You are not making me, or pressuring me. I want to be here, with you. I want to help you, but I need you to let me. You are the strongest person I’ve ever met, but all that weight you’re carrying is too heavy, even for you, little one. I need you to let me in, to let me be strong for you, just for a little bit.” He stopped to catch his breath.
“You don’t want to take this weight, trust me. If you knew half of the things I—” you stopped. “This is my burden, not yours. You don’t understand what you’re asking me to give you. If you did, you wouldn’t be asking,” you assured, your tone resolute.
“Little one, I'm not sure you understand. I am not asking.”
He slowly sunk to his knees, looking up at you through his eyelashes.
“I am begging. Look at me; look what you’ve managed to do, Petal. I am a god, yet I am on my knees in front of you, begging to be given your pain. Please tell me you understand that.”
You stood looking down at him, mouth slightly agape.
“Loki, I—I don’t know what to say,” you admitted hesitantly.
“You don't have to say anything. I just want to help you. Please, let me.”
You felt the tears that had been building up finally spill down your cheeks. You reached down and tugged him to his feet, wrapping your arms around his middle, and pulling him close. You felt his arms hold you against him, his grasp gentle and firm.
“Miss? Shall I tell Captain Rogers you’re on your way?”
You sagged in Loki’s arms, exhausted by the thought of talking to the team. He held you tighter, understanding what you needed.
“Tell Rogers she’s alright, but needs some time and space.”
“I’m afraid Captain Rogers requested an answer specifically from her,” the A.I. replied.
“What Loki said,” you mumbled, your face pressed to his chest.
“Do you want me to take you to your rooms? I can teleport us if you’d like,” Loki whispered into your ear. You nodded against his chest. You felt a rush of air brush against your skin, and you pulled your head back to see what had happened. You looked around to find you were in your rooms. You looked back at Loki with an awestruck look on your face.
“That was awesome!” you giggled softly.
He chuckled lightly and pressed a quick kiss to your forehead.
“F.R.I.D.A.Y., silence all non-emergency alerts, messages, and notifications, please,” Loki directed.
“Yes, Mr. Laufeyson,” came the calm reply.
“Little one,” he asked, “would you like the door locked so no one comes bursting in unannounced? It can stay unlocked if you’d rather. It’s completely up to you.”
You nodded into his chest.
“Locked?” he confirmed.
You nodded once again.
“Alright then, Petal.”
You heard him instruct the A.I. to lock the doors, and then he addressed you once again.
“Are you able to tell me what you need right now, darling? Or, shall I give you some options?”
You shrugged your shoulders, too tired to convince your brain to speak.
“Options it is then,” he smiled. “Would you like some food or water, a bath, maybe a change of clothes? Or we could talk, about what happened, or just about anything. Maybe we could watch that Midgardian film you enjoy so much. Or would you rather go to bed for the night?”
None of the options sounded good to you, so you stayed silent. Well, except for the yawn that slipped out.
“Alright, none of those. You're tired, little one. Are you sure you don’t want to go to sleep?”
You huffed, not sure how to explain.
“I can’t. It’ll happen again,” you mumbled.
“Ah, I see. That’s alright. How about this. We can get some nice comfortable clothes on you, you can get all cozied up, and I can read to you. Do you like poetry?” he asked.
You nodded, and his face lit up with a smile.
“My mother used to read to me from an old Asgardian poetry book when I had trouble sleeping. Some of my favorite poems are from that book. Would you like me to read them to you?” he asked.
You looked up to see uncertainty clouding his eyes. Smiling, you nodded shyly. Loki beamed down at you, grinning.
“Right. May I use my seidr to change your clothes? I swear to you, there is nothing untoward about it, but of course if you’d prefer, you can change in the bathroom. I won’t be offended, I am just trying to make things easier for you.”
“It's ok, you can,” you consented.
Feeling the same rush of air you had when you’d teleported, you looked down to find you were now wearing a pair of soft black sweatpants, and an oversized dark green t-shirt. You grinned, looking at Loki with the same awestruck look as earlier.
“If you’d like, I can wash your face. With my seidr, of course,” he amended.
You nodded your agreement and felt the rush of air, this time accompanied by a cooling sensation on your face. You lifted your hands to touch your cheeks, finding them rid of any streaked mascara or smeared lipstick.
“Thank you,” you whispered gratefully, glancing up at Loki.
“Of course, little one. Let’s get you into bed, shall we?”
“Mh-hm,” you breathed.
You started to walk to the bed when he slipped his arm behind your knees and picked you up bridal style. You giggled, and he placed you in your bed, tugging the covers over you. He started to move a chair next to the bed, but you stopped him.
“You can sit here,” you offered, gesturing to the bed next to you.
“Are you sure? I don’t mind the chair.”
“It’s ok, I promise.”
He walked to the other side of the bed and sat on top of the covers with his back to the headboard.
"Loki," you looked at him curiously, "why aren't you frightened by my shadows? If I let them out around anyone else, they are afraid. They try to hide it, but I can tell. Why don't they scare you?"
He cocked his head as if even the thought of being afraid of them was absurd.
"They're you. I'm not scared of you, so why should I be afraid of them? You would never hurt someone purely out of malice, so neither would they. The entire reason your subconsious created them in the first place was to protect you. If that means they have to hurt someone to do so, I have no qualms with that."
You didn't know what to say. You'd only ever been told that they were dangerous and untrustworthy, thus, so were you.
Loki understood your silence. He gave you a small smile and turned his focus to his hands. Your gaze shifted to them, and you watched in wonder as emerald tendrils wrapped around his hands. When they disappeared, there was an ancient, well-loved book in their place. You sighed in contentment, knowing you would never grow tired of the beauty of his seidr.
He opened the book, and it fell open to a page that you could tell had been read many times. He looked at you, a soft smile on his lips, and returned his focus to the book. He started to read, his voice soothing every anxious nerve in your body. As he read, you couldn't help but think that he could recite them in his sleep and it would still sound like the most mesmerizing thing you'd ever heard.
You leaned to rest your head on his shoulder. His words wrapped themselves around you in comfort, having been brought to life by the rhythmic voice of the god sitting next to you. You felt yourself drifting toward sleep, and you knew that the nightmares wouldn’t dare follow you this time.