Bucky Barnes has been struggling to feel like he belongs at the Tower. It's not that he's not being welcomed. Almost everyone is trying in some way. Steve, of course, is constantly working on trying to keep him comfortable, and Sam isn't too bad a guy, though they argue sometimes. Even Natasha has stopped to forgive him for shooting through her that one time. The witch, Wanda, doesn't talk much, but Bucky suspects there's some sort of trauma or something there. At least, that's what keeps him quiet, so it makes sense that might happen with others. The Vision is a strange one with its silent hovering and cautious staring. Bucky figures it's still learning how to act a little more human.
Then there's Tony, who hasn't really made much of an effort with Bucky, but Bucky hasn't made one with him either so he can't just sit and complain about that. That wouldn't be fair to expect something of someone he wasn't returning. Tony does watch him, though. Bucky notices the way Tony's eyes track him through a room, or how Tony will settle into a seat on the edges of a room and stare. It's different from the stare the Vision has. It's calculating, like he's studying Bucky. He's filled with an almost too obvious curiosity.
On very rare occasions, Bucky manages to slip away from Steve and get some time to himself. It's usually at nighttime, though often later into the night than tonight. Tonight, it's only around 8 in the evening, but the commons is empty and Bucky is taking advantage of the quiet, lost in thought when a mug of warm coffee slides along the counter he's sitting at, stopping just in front of him. He looks up to find Tony standing on the other side of the counter, holding another mug to his lips as he sips his own coffee. The engineer pulls his mug from his face and gives a crooked smile.
"Olive branch," he says. "You don't look so good, kid."
Bucky raises an eyebrow, but brings his right hand up to grip the mug he's been given. He hums out a soft, "Thanks," before taking a sip of his own.
Tony tilts his head slightly and leans one hand on the counter. By his stance, Bucky's pretty sure the guy just crossed one ankle in front of the other and if that isn't the most predictable pose for this man, he's not sure what is. Tony's body language is almost laughably easy to read and predict, but he enjoys it, strangely. Sometimes, predictability is nice.
"How've you been getting on?" Tony asks after a couple seconds. "Because you look like you feel like shit. And not to be rude, your hair speaks of a man who hasn't showered in a week."
If it weren't so true, Bucky might be offended by the bluntness, but he hasn't exactly been taking care of himself. He's remembering to eat and drink water, because Steve's been hammering it into him, but hygiene continues to elude. He vaguely remembers what that means, but there's little to it in his forefront memory. He'd be embarrassed to admit it out loud, but Hydra locked away his ability to take care of himself as the Winter Soldier, so remembering to bathe is hard. They usually would give him hard, cold showers right before throwing him into cryo after a mission, and soap was rare. Bucky's not sure he's been truly clean for decades, just sort of rinsed.
He takes a slow breath in and looks down at the counter and his coffee. "Is that how long I've been here?" he asks. "A week?"
Tony shifts, but Bucky doesn't look up for a long few minutes. There's a heavy silence between them, then Tony murmurs, "About that, yeah."
Bucky closes his eyes and sighs. "Shit."
Tony clears his throat and Bucky looks up to see the frown on his face. "You know, even if you're depressed, Bucky, you gotta take care of yourself, bud. I-" He pauses and shakes his head. "Come up to the penthouse. I've got a good shower, or a big tub if you'd rather a bath. Let's get you cleaned up."
Bucky stares at him for a second, confused. "I'm sorry, what?"
"You. Shower. Penthouse." Tony smirks at him. "It's nicer than the one in that apartment you're staying in, and I'm worried if I just tell you to go shower in there, you'll go sit on your floor and stare at a wall for the rest of the night without actually washing up."
Bucky makes a face, but nods. "I- it feels ridiculous," he admits quietly, "but Hydra got so deep into my brain, they figured out a way to turn off the part that remembers to do that shit?" He sighs. "You're right. I do need a shower. And who am I to turn down a billionaire's shower?" He smirks at that in response to Tony's and the other man laughs softly.
"Come on," Tony chuckles, and leads the way.
—
It's odd to Bucky, to think how he ended up in this situation. Tony had offered the shower, and Bucky accepted because he really did need it. Then, once they'd gotten up there and Bucky was all set to get into the shower, he froze. It hadn't been out of fear, but more out of a sheer not understanding where to go next. When Tony had pressed him about it, he'd been too confused by his own stumbling to hide it and just admitted he was lost.
Tony had taken pity on him, maybe, because he'd set to helping Bucky out of his shirt and pants, leaving his briefs on for decency sake, then started the water in the shower. He'd even stepped under the water with Bucky and helped him get his hair cleaned, guiding his hands through his hair to show and remind Bucky what the motions of cleaning himself were.
So now Bucky's standing with Tony in his large shower and Tony's fancy business suit is soaked through, but he's watching Bucky again with that same calculating stare. He's watching Bucky's eyes, not anything else, as he helps him work through the concept of conditioner, and then the soap. Bucky thinks he should feel embarrassed, but all he feels is relief as the water rinses away what feels like decades of dirt.
When he's clean, and Tony lets him decide when that is, Tony turns off the water and steps out of the shower, stripping off his jacket and shirt as he goes. "Stay put for one moment, Buckaroo," he says, leaving the room and coming back a few moments later in a pair of dry sweatpants and a clean shirt, carrying two large, soft towels.
Tony puts one towel on Bucky's head, then wraps the other around Bucky's waist. Bucky takes the moment to slip his wet underwear off under the towel, then hums in delight when Tony starts drying his hair for him. There's something so soothing about this moment, and he can't help but let his eyes close halfway, a soft smile pulling at his lips.
"So you do know how to emote," Tony murmurs, rubbing the towel gently over Bucky's face and making him sputter softly. This makes Tony chuckle a little before he pulls the towel away and puts it over Bucky's shoulders. "Can you dry yourself off?"
Bucky nods, running his hand down his face. "Yeah, I think I got that one."
Tony nods. "Good. I'm going to grab you some clothes. Ones that aren't the same outfit in a different color." He steps out of the room.
"What's wrong with my clothes?" Bucky asks his retreating back, but he doesn't expect an answer. Instead, he finishes drying himself off and smiles when Tony returns with a new outfit.
"The underwear are brand new, so don't get freaked out," Tony mutters, setting the stack of clothes down. "The shirt and sweats aren't, but you'll have to deal with that. Once you're dressed, come on out to the living room. I can make us fresh coffee." He turns and leaves the room again and Bucky takes a deep, steadying breath.
Tony's been described to him by almost anyone he's spoken with. Tony's rude, narcissistic, unkind, has terrible ideas. Except Bucky hasn't seen any of that. The man that just helped him get clean, stood in the shower with him and ruined what Bucky can only guess is a good several hundred dollars suit, has only offered him kindness so far.
It's actually a little refreshing. Tony hasn't seemed to expect anything of him, and their first interaction has been the man helping him like this. Well, technically their first interaction was Bucky shooting at Tony and Tony blocking it with a gauntlet that came out of a watch, which Bucky is incredibly intrigued by even now that the remnants of the Soldier are fading, but this feels more like their first encounter, considering Bucky's more himself now.
He gets dressed and heads out to the living area, seeing Tony in the kitchenette and smelling coffee. It's funny. For how large this suite is, the kitchen section is so small. Tony must not cook much.
"Have a seat on one of the couches," Tony says, not turning Bucky's way. There's a flash of panic that goes through Bucky at that. Tony knew he was there without looking, which means he was being careless. Carelessness could get him killed, or punished by the higher ups.
He must have stood there a little too long for Tony's taste because the billionaire turns and looks at him, raises an eyebrow, then moves closer. When Bucky flinches at Tony's movement, though, he stops altogether.
"Hey, what's going on?" Tony asks softly. "You're safe here, Bucky. No one in this Tower is going to hurt you. Especially not me right here and now. I'm just making coffee. You look like you're ready to jump out the window."
Bucky can feel how tense he is. He knows his reaction is irrational. It's stupid. He knows that. But it doesn't stop him from feeling this way. He takes a shaking breath in through his nose and swallows heavily, blinking quickly to try and bring the room back into focus.
"Sorry," he mutters after a few moments. "That was- dumb."
Tony frowns. "I mean, I've called my panic responses dumb in the past before. Called them worse things than that. But they're usually there for a reason. Doesn't have to be a logical one. You want to talk about it?"
Bucky stares at him. "Why are you- what does it matter to you?"
"I don't want to see someone else suffering like that," Tony says simply. "You're a good guy, Barnes. At least, according to all the stories and film reels. You deserve to feel better."
Bucky stays quiet, watching Tony for a long while. Tony doesn't move, instead just matching his gaze with a soft, comforting smile. Bucky can almost feel the years of pain rolling off the other man. Tony knows what it's like to hurt. That must be part of it, part of why he's so willing to help someone else. It's almost too much for Bucky, when he thinks about it, but he takes a slow breath in and nods.
"I panicked when you knew I was there without looking," he says softly. "Protocol dictates if the Soldier is seen before he makes himself known, the mission has already failed, even if all the tasks get done."
Tony hums and nods. "That's got to be a terrifying thought to have roaming around. Do you have a lot of those?"
Bucky nods softly and looks away. Tony sighs sadly.
"I saw your reflection in the chrome backsplash," Tony says after a second, pointing at the wall behind the sink. It's at the perfect angle to see the doorway to the bedroom and bathroom hallway. "I didn't mean to frighten you. Just mirrors."
Bucky can feel his shoulders relax and he lets out a soft chuckle. "I'm sorry. That's- shit, that's going to be a tough one to escape."
Tony shrugs and smiles softly again. "We'll get you through it. Go ahead and have a seat. Coffee's almost done."
Bucky nods and heads for the couches, sitting carefully and running his hand through his still damp hair. He feels, surprisingly, more human than he has since Steve and the others picked him up and brought him here, and he's got Tony and the shower to thank for that. The thought that something so simple slipped his mind so easily, and that none of the others thought of it, hurts a little.
He blinks when Tony sits next to him, the couch cushions shifting a little. Tony hands him a mug of coffee and sighs, sipping some of his own. "So, forgive me if this is a bit personal," he starts, clearing his throat, "but did you say something about Hydra basically making you forget how to take care of yourself?"
Bucky frowns, glancing at Tony for a second. The way this man seems to be able to read him is getting him itchy, but Tony hasn't given him reason to distrust him yet, so he tries to fight down that voice in the back of his head that wants to find the nearest object he can use for potential defense. Tony is safe. The guy gave him access to a home here.
"They did a lot to me," he starts carefully. "I can't remember it all? I think part of that is my brain pushing it away. The uh- what's it called. Suppressing memories?" Tony nods at that and Bucky feels a little more confident. "But they had a program they trained into me during the brainwashing, and one part of it was to make me forget that my body needed tending to. Basically, they wanted me constantly reliant on them, especially during missions. That way, I wouldn't get it in my head to run."
"But if you didn't know you needed them for those things, how would you know not to run?" Tony asks, tilting his head and turning. He brings a knee up between them and rests his arm on the back of the couch, watching Bucky curiously. Always with that curious, studying look. Yet, somehow Bucky doesn't feel like he's on display.
"I had a couple instances where I got separated from my handlers," Bucky admits. "Thinking back, I think they did it on purpose? Part of training. They would get me used to my handlers feeding me, minding my needs, the works. The only thing I really knew was when I needed to relieve myself and how to do that. Then, they would 'lose' me. It started off as just a couple days at a time, but then it became weeks of it. It only took a few of those before my mind and body got conditioned to not wanting to be alone. I went mad with hunger and dehydration in those times. Would hear shit, see shit that wasn't there. It was bad."
Tony's eyes go wide for a moment and he visibly swallows before looking away. Bucky snaps his mouth shut.
"I'm sorry. I don't have to talk about it."
Tony shakes his head, looking back at Bucky after a couple seconds. "It's fine," he says gently, voice low. "I just- I know torture- I mean, I've experienced it, but that's cruelty on a completely different level. I wasn't expecting it, and I'm so sorry you went through anything like that. I-" He shakes his head again. "No one deserves that. You- you're a good guy, Barnes. From what Steve's told me about you, you're a really good guy. That-" He takes a deep breath and falls silent.
Bucky looks down at the coffee between his hands. He hasn't taken a sip yet, and quite frankly he's feeling a little sick to his stomach now he's been talking about Hydra a bit. He licks his lips a little and sighs, nodding. "I don't remember ever being a good guy, but thank you."
Tony stays quiet, but Bucky can feel his gaze return. There's something different about it now, but he can't handle meeting Tony's eyes just yet. It feels like it'll be too much. He's already laid himself bare for this man, physically and emotionally. There's too much Bucky spilled between them for his taste. He doesn't know how to put all of him back inside now.
Finally, Tony clears his throat. "Tell you what," he says softly. "We can work to recondition your brain." He holds up a hand when Bucky's head shoots up at that and there's a soft smile on his lips, a look in his eyes that asks to be given a chance, so Bucky stays quiet. "Hang on. Nothing drastic, alright? I can set up timers, reminders. I can have them set up on your phone, or I can set them up for myself and I can be the one to remind you. When to eat, when to shower, that sort of thing. Hell, I can create an app that'll ding every time you should drink some water."
Bucky blinks several times, staring at Tony. He takes a couple slow breaths, then speaks without thinking. "I don't have a phone."
Tony stares at him, then laughs softly. "That makes it even easier," he grins. "I can make a phone programmed with all of that for you."
"I'm sure there's a dozen things you'd rather be doing," Bucky says, looking away.
Tony snorts. "The company is the only other thing I have," he mutters. "I would much rather redesign the StarkPhone and get you set up feeling better. After a while with the alarms, if you follow the schedule, you'll reset your brain to remember things on your own. It sounds silly, but it's true. I used a similar trick to help myself quit drinking last year."
Bucky lifts his head and looks at Tony for a long moment. There's something so sincere about his expression, and how easily he's speaking about all of this, that Bucky can't help but to believe him. He nods slowly and takes a deep breath. "Thank you," he whispers. "I- I guess I'm just not used to people wanting to help me? Thanks. That sounds really nice. I'd really like to be able to be more independent again."
Tony smiles at him. "We can get started on it later. Tomorrow maybe. It's getting late and, if I'm being honest, rest doesn't sound like too bad an idea. You're welcome to stick around. Watch something, or read. I've got a room back there with a small collection."
Bucky glances the direction Tony points, toward another hallway. The penthouse is bigger than he realized. "I appreciate that," he admits softly. "I know that Barton wanted to do a movie night tonight. Asked all of us if we wanted in. Steve was kind of insistent I join in."
Tony frowns softly, but pushes it away quickly. Bucky doesn't miss it. He wonders what that means. Is it because of Barton? Steve? Or the idea of the movie night?
"Were you going to come?" Bucky asks.
"I wasn't invited," Tony says softly, voice rigid. He looks away, setting his coffee on the table and tapping his fingers against his knee. "I'm not, usually. But you should go, so Captain Frostbite doesn't get upset with you."
Bucky's heart sinks. He's not used to emotion yet, and he has no idea what he's actually feeling right now, but it feels like something he doesn't want to feel in regards to Tony. Is it sadness? Hurt? He tries to think of the last time he's felt this. Sometime ages ago. When Steve was still sick and small. Going from enlistment center to enlistment center, practically begging to fight. Bucky remembers the pain in his heart over how much Steve wanted to throw himself into it all, how scared he was that Steve could get hurt, how protective he'd felt.
He's feeling some of that way for Tony right now. Protective and sad. He doesn't quite understand why, but that's all he can attribute it to, and he's not too sure he likes it much. He clears his throat and reaches up, resting his left hand on Tony's arm at the back of the couch as he turns to face him a little better.
"You could come along," he says. "I'm inviting you, how's that?"
Tony raises an eyebrow and stares at him for a long moment, and Bucky almost feels like he's said the wrong thing. Then, the other man sighs and shakes his head. "I appreciate it, but I really don't think the others want me around. You go enjoy whatever movie it is. I'll head down to the lab and start work on that phone, then hit the hay a little early tonight." He shrugs and looks away.
Bucky doesn't know what to think about that, but he knows one thing. Steve's going to insist he goes to this, and Tony will be alone in his lab, and that feels awful in Bucky's gut. For whatever reason, the rest of the team has left Tony ostracized and it doesn't sit well with Bucky.
"Tony, I know we barely know each other, but you just helped me relearn how to fucking shower, and I don't want you sitting down there feeling unwanted?" he tries, clearing his throat. "Come watch whatever dumb movie Barton's picked out with me? Screw what the others might think, alright? Sit with me. We can crack jokes about bad acting, laugh at shit together, be annoying until Barton kicks us both out of the room."
Tony looks at him, narrowing his eyes for a moment. He chuckles finally and shakes his head, though less in a negative fashion now. "So all a guy's gotta do to get into your good graces is wash your hair?" he teases.
Bucky laughs at that, surprising himself. "Yeah, you're coming with me," he says. He pats Tony's arm, then stands up and sets his coffee mug down. "Come on. Before Steve comes looking for me."
Tony smiles and stands up, following Bucky to the elevator. It actually makes him happy, having Tony agree to come along. There might be something to say about how quickly he's turned around to caring about him, but Bucky isn't about to question it. This is the first time he's felt much more than self-loathing and confusion since he's started to shuffle off the Winter Soldier, so he's going to run with it.
When they get to the third floor, Tony takes the lead to show Bucky where the movie room is. It's not exactly a theater so much as it's a large room with couches and chairs and pillows, as well as a large projection screen. The others are gathered there already, moving around the room to get into comfortable positions while Clint Barton babbles about what movie he and Natasha have picked.
"Honestly, this is so Steve and Bucky can see an actually decent horror film, if I'm being honest," he says as Bucky and Tony walk in. "Because despite what Thor might say, House on Haunted Hill is awful and every copy in existence should be burned. But that's just my opinion."
"Shouldn't they get to see the best and the worst?" Tony asks. Bucky hums and drops onto one of the couches, Tony sinking down next to him. "That way they've got a scale. They can learn to rank movies from worst to best according to your opinion."
Natasha quickly looks away, trying to hide a smirk, while Clint stares at Tony with wide eyes. Sam doesn't hide his laugh at first, until Clint looks toward him in shock.
"I'm being bullied during my own party," Clint grumbles. "This is outrageous."
Thor and Steve join in on the laughter at that and Bucky glances next to him to see Tony looking down, a soft smile on his lips. He's been needing the social interaction of the team outside of missions, and Bucky hurts to think he's only just now getting it after who knows how long.
"Just start the damn movie," Natasha says after a moment. "I'm sure everyone here is going to be just as scared as you were, you big baby."
Clint gives her a mocking look, then holds up the remote. Then, in a moment of thought, he stops and looks at Tony. Bucky tenses.
"Hey, Stark."
Tony looks up at Clint. Bucky can feel the other man tense as well and see him clench his jaw. Clint raises his hands to offer peace.
"Easy there, Dr. Frankenfurter," Clint sighs. "It's just-" He moves closer and pulls up a cushion, dropping it on the floor in front of Tony and sitting to face him. He draws his knees up to rest his elbow on them and clears his throat. "When I picked this movie earlier this week, I didn't honestly think you'd be interested in coming around and watching with us, so I didn't think anything of it, but I gotta warn you?"
Tony raises an eyebrow. "What? Is the girl from The Ring going to kill us all if we watch it? Is this some sort of weird cult ritual?"
Clint snorts and shakes his head before looking back at Tony. "No, no, nothing like that," he says with a soft smile. "But I wanted to warn you that this movie is set pretty much entirely in the Catacombs under Paris, and that means a lot of cave-like structures. I don't know if that's something that would mess with you. Especially this many years on."
Bucky looks at Tony right as the words seem to register. Tony's body goes rigid and he swallows heavily, eyes losing focus. Bucky tilts his head, confused, but meets Steve's eyes across the room. His friend has a look of concern on his face. In fact, most of the people in the room do now. Bucky's not entirely sure why, but by the way Tony's reacting just to being told it's caves, it's got to be something.
Tony takes a deep breath in and sighs, blinking and looking at Clint again. "That-" He stops and licks his lips. "Okay, I wasn't expecting that? Give me- give me a second to process that and come back to it?"
Clint nods and stands up, stepping back to let Tony stand up and leave the room. Bucky watches Tony leave, then looks around at the others.
"What did I miss?" Bucky asks.
Steve shifts in his seat and leans over his knees. "The entire reason Tony became Iron Man is because of his getting injured and then held hostage in a cave in Afghanistan. He built his first suit as a means of escape from men that were trying to force him to make a version of his company's biggest weapons for them."
Bucky turns back toward the door. "Oh, alright. So, that makes a lot more sense. And you-" He looks back at Clint. "You thought about that."
Clint hums and watches the doorway. "He's a good guy," he murmurs. "We all make mistakes. Doesn't mean he deserves to be put into a panic by a movie he wasn't prepared for. I felt bad when I thought about it earlier this week, but I'd already hyped the movie up so much, so I just kind of hoped he'd stay in the lab." He looks at Bucky. "Though, thank you for bringing him along. He's- things aren't the same without him."
Tony steps back into the room, moving back to sit next to Bucky. Clint looks at him, brow furrowed.
"You good?"
Tony nods. "Yeah, I've got it. Thank you."
When Bucky looks at Tony, he's got a look in his eye that speaks of determination and slight worry. He's unsure if he really has this, but he's going to try anyway. As the movie starts up, Bucky can see Tony tense a little again. He shifts closer and puts an arm over the back of the couch casually.
By the time they're a good 30 minutes in, it's clear to everyone the movie isn't really that frightening. Even Tony is cracking jokes at the main character's bad decisions. If he's making those jokes from pressed into Bucky's side and Bucky's arm around his shoulders while they're sharing a blanket (the blanket was all Tony's idea, too), no one says anything.