A drunken rage and a sober confession

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader
Words: 1750
Warnings: short talk about insomnia, mention of an unplanned pregnancy, mother leaves child
Summary: Bucky and you finally talking about your feelings for each other

Much to your surprise, you managed to fall into a kind of half-sleep, he is restless and the dreams in it are confusing, but it is better than not being able to sleep at all.
You hear a loud, shrill noise, followed by a knock that gets louder and louder. At first you think it's a background noise of your dream, until you realize that someone is at your door and wants to be let in. You're still completely lost and toy with the idea of pulling the pillow over your head and ignoring the unwanted guest on your doorstep. Who wants anything from you so early anyway? Especially on a Saturday.
Then it occurs to you: "Bucky!"
You run to the door as fast as you can, on your way there you stumble over your clothes from yesterday, but you can just catch yourself and a little later you are in front of the door.
You open it with a jerk and there he is, the reason for your nocturnal phone calls and your insomnia.
There stands the man you've loved for years, who seems to return those feelings. His eyes sparkle lovingly at you, a smile caresses his lips. In one hand he holds a cardboard holder with two coffee to go paper cups, while in the other hand he holds a bakery bag.
"Good morning angel, I brought breakfast." He holds the bag and the coffe holder up before he walks past you into the apartment, where he puts everything on your living room table "I didn't know if you wanted to eat something, but I brought you your favorite rolls anyway, and you always have coffee , so I brought you one too." Also this time you don't answer and just stare at him, you notice that he is getting nervous, you would like to take this tension away from him, but your mouth refuses to speak.
"If you're not comfortable and you'd rather go back to sleep, I can leave and come back later, your message only sounded very serious and I've spent the last two hours just wondering what's going on, and..."
"I heard you yesterday." You can’t hold back any longer, all your resolutions to keep the conversation calm and comfortable are forgotten from the moment he walked in the door. His words from yesterday echo through your head. Your heart is begging for confirmation of those words, but your brain is telling you to take it easy and get rid of any doubts first. But when have you had any doubts about Bucky?
Bucky's mouth opens and then closes again, it looks like a fish is gasping for water. You can see panic and also a slight desperation in his eyes.
All your resolutions to keep the conversation calm and comfortable are forgotten from the moment he walked in the door. His words from yesterday echo through your head. Your heart is begging for confirmation of those words, but your brain is telling you to take it easy and get rid of any doubts first. But when have you had any doubts about Bucky?
You wonder what his next move will be "W...what exactly do you mean?" ah, so his new move is to play dumb.
"I heard what you said to me yesterday after you put me to bed, I heard everything Jamie, every single word.” You took a step towards him.
"But you were asleep, please angel tell me you were asleep." He looks at you pleadingly, but you just shake your head.
"No James, I wasn't asleep." When he sees that you mean it, he starts to pull at his hair and paces nervously in front of you before stopping abruptly and turning back to you, looking at you with pleading eyes, briefly you think you do too to see tears in his eyes,
"Please angel just forget it, please let's just forget about this and just move on as to how we have been. I can't lose you please, I just can't. You and Charlie are the most important people to me please don't leave me."
You just shake your head and Bucky lets his head fall so his eyes are facing the floor.
"I can't forget it James, and honestly I don't want to forget it either." You approach him and take his large, rough hands in your much smaller one, your thumbs lightly brushing the backs of his hands.
"Please look at me Jamie" you wait until he lifts his head and looks into your eyes then you whisper "I love you too." It takes Bucky a little while to process your words, but as soon as he understands, his whole face lights up, he puts his hands on your cheeks and gently lowers his forehead against yours "Say it again, please, I have to hear it again" you smile "I love you James Buchanan Barnes" no sooner have you said those words than he joins your lips in your first, but certainly not your last, kiss. The kiss is full of tenderness and love, and there is also a silent promise of "I'll never let you go again" in it.
Out of breath you break apart "I love you too angel, more than you'll ever know." He kisses the tip of your nose.
A little later you're sitting together on the sofa, Bucky's arms hug you tenderly, your head rests on his strong chest, and the smell of his after-shave fills your nostrils when you suddenly remember what you wanted to ask Bucky the whole time "Jamie?" you look up at him slightly "Yes, angel?" “When you thought I was asleep you also said that Steve said to tell me about Lisa." Bucky closes his eyes briefly and lets out a deep sigh. "So you really do remember everything. I'll tell you if you really want to know. But please let me speak. So should I tell you?" You just nod in response before he starts to speak: "You know I haven't fallen in love with you just recently, my love for you goes back much further, in any case I was in love with you even before my relationship with Lisa, and every time we saw each other I said to myself: Today is the day I will tell my angel that I love her. But as you know, I never did. And then one day, we arranged to meet at our local bar, you brought this guy over I think his name was Thomas, and you introduced him to me as your boyfriend. That night I cried over a woman for the first time in my life, I cried for our love and mourned a future we will never have, at least that's what I thought at that moment.
But my sadness quickly turned into anger. I was mad at you and Thomas because he had what I wanted to have with you, but I was most mad at myself, I had so many chances to confess my love to you but I never did. And I was like, "Hey, if it hurts me so much to see you with someone else, maybe it hurts you too to see me with someone else too" and that's when I remembered Lisa, she worked in the office across from the fire station, we had often met by chance and she always flirted with me or wanted to go out with me, I always refused. Except for the day after I first saw you with him, when she asked me again, I said yes. And before I knew it we started dating regularly and she was telling everyone we were a couple, I was playing along. But before long she started complaining that I was spending too much time with you and that she should be the top priority in my life and not you. I guess she acted out of necessity then when she went off the pill without telling me, and the next thing I consciously remember are the five positive pregnancy tests on my bathroom sink. I was happy, really, I always wanted to be a father, but I always imagined it differently. I always imagined that we would become a couple and then say yes in a small, intimate ceremony and then build a family together. I really tried to be a good boyfriend, I also really tried to love her. But I never loved her, I only ever loved you. And when Charlie was born and she realized that my feelings for her hadn't changed, she explained to me that she wanted to break up, and that she didn't want anything to do with Charlie. Charlotte was just her try to bind me to her, since she knew that I always wanted a family. Then she packed her things and left. I didn't even try to stop her. It was only important to me that Charlie is doing well and that he is not missing anything. And every time I see you with Charlie, I wish you were her mum. . I know this is a lot to digest and I was a total ass about it too, but believe me I never had any intention of really hurting anyone."
You lift your head from his chest to look at him, you can see genuine regret in his eyes and his face is also twisted into a grimace as if the thought of actually hurting someone hurts him physically.
"You're right Jamie you were a total jerk but it also wasn't right for her to just go off the pill and then just leave her kid behind. I think you both made mistakes in that situation."
James looks surprised "so you're not disgusted with me?" you shake your head "No I'm not, everyone has done something they're not proud of, the most important thing is that we make up for our mistakes and don't repeat them." He kisses your forehead and whispers "I love you so damn much" And I love you" he looks down at his watch "I've got about an hour left before I have to pick Charlie up from Steve, what do you want "Cuddle?" you look at him questioningly, "Cuddle!" replies Bucky, grinning at you as he opens his arms and you snuggle back into his chest, the chest you'll be snuggling into for many years to come.