Our Son

Tony wakes up from a frequent nightmare: him ending up alone in the entire world after he himself caused his loved ones' death.

He notices he's sweating and slightly trembling. He closes his eyes and counts to 10. 

Steve taught him that, he learned it when he had nightmares too, about losing Peter. It started right after the day they adopted him. That means it happens for 2 years now. 

Tony's happen since he became Ironman. 

Also happening for years.

But they're helping each other, they'll get better..

He also notices his lover is not there. He checks the hour and it's 4:30 in the morning. He gets up, it's not like he's getting any sleep and he needs to know where Steve is.

He goes to check on Peter and his heart melts and breaks at the same time over the view: Peter fondly sleeping in Steve's chest, who looks like is sleeping what he hasn't slept in years. He lets out a smile, completely in love.

-FRIDAY, take a picture of this and download it on my phone, please.

-Of course, Boss.

-And change the lights of the picture.

-Certainly.

-Thanks.

Now, however, he thinks what had happened. Maybe Peter had a nightmare and Steve heard him. That's not good. He hopes he can talk with Peter about what happened and about putting that son of a bitch in jail.

He goes to the kitchen to drink some water and watch the sun rise and think about some things. How he should act with Peter and all of that.

He doesn't know how long he stays there, but the sun starts to rise. 

He starts getting the breakfast ready for when they wake up. He won't eat any, however. In situations like this, he can't control it. He just doesn't have any reasons to eat. He doesn't deserve any food, he let his son be...

He can't even think of the word. It's terrifying.

And now he's having a panic attack.

He tries to think about something good in his life, something he's grateful for. But it's so hard even though he's life is basically perfect in the eyes of most people. And he does have everything he could ask for, but still, one part of him is always missing. 

After what if felt like forever, he can finally breathe again and calm down. And returns to the preparation of the breakfast.

*****

Steve wakes up from the best sleep he's ever had in a long long time. He feels great. But then he remembers what had happened to his son and feels like he wants to die. But, for now, he can pretend nothing is going on, for Peter's sake he thinks.

He looks down and Peter still hasn't moved, fondly asleep in his arms. He smiles and kisses his head for a while. Then, puts him in a more comfortable position and kisses his forehead.

He goes to their bedroom but Tony isn't there. And that's when he knows he didn't get much sleep either.

*****

-Tony?

-Hi.. Good morning.

-What are you doing up?

-I can't sleep longer than that..

-Nightmare?

-Yep, nothing new, nothing to worry about.

Steve comes closer to him and says in a lower and kind of broken voice.

-I'm always worried about you.. 

Tony takes a deep breath.

-And what about you? 

-I don't know.. I just woke up..

-Did you have that dream again?

-No.. I think.. I needed this connection with Peter to sleep better.. Who knows..

-Did he have a nightmare?

-Yeah... A pretty bad one.. About what happened yesterday..

And with that, Tony lets a plate fall and it breaks.

-Shit! Shit. I'm sorry. I'll buy another one.

He gets down to clean it, but Steve gets the pieces first.

-No, Steve, let me do this.

-No.. You go get some sleep. I'll finish the breakfast.

-I'm serious, I'm fine!

-I'm serious too! You need it more than I do. I promise if anything happens I will wake you up. 

-Stop it! 

-Tony! Tony, look at me!

Steve gently touches his face and Tony looks at him.

-I got this! Okay? Trust me, everything is going to be fine.. Go back to sleep..

Tony sighs once more.

-Just this time...

-Perfect. Go.. Love you. (Steve kisses his forehead and Tony doesn't complain anymore)

After Tony left, Steve finished the bacons and eggs for breakfast and makes an orange juice. By then, it's 10 a.m.

Since no one has woken up yet, he decided to eat alone. It's a nice day afterall and he likes to enjoy his own company every once in a while.

-Pops?

-Hi, sweetie! Good morning. How'd you sleep?

-Fine.. Is that breakfast?

-Yeah, it's right on the table. Get some and come sit with me, cub.

He does.

-How are you feeling?

-I'm good. Not feeling any pain.

-That's good, sweetie. That's good!

-Yeah, I suppose. So.. ahm.. where's Daddy?

-He's still asleep.

-Oh.. Really?

-I know.. hard to believe, but it is true!

They laugh a little bit.

-Pop?

-Yes?

-Do you think... That Daddy's mad at me?

-What!? Of course not! Where did that idea come from!?

-I—I don't know.. Is just.. that he's not talking to me... He.. It seems like he looks scared of me and I hate it! It only makes me feel worse!

-He's not mad at you. You did nothing wrong, okay? He's just... worried and scared about what happened. And that's nothing to do with you, I promise..

Peter sighs.

-Fine..

-Is the breakfast okay?

-Yep

-Oh, good.

After a few more moments of awkward silence, Steve speaks up.

-Ahm.. Peter.. We.. Need to talk...

-Dad, please.. I don't wanna. I'm not ready..

-But.. don't you want that person to go to jail?

-Of course I do, but I don't want the press to know about this. And they always find out and will start to speculate and make everyone believe it was just teenage sex.

Steve sighs. He knows that's a possibility.

-Kid.. I.. We will do everything so that they don't find out.

-But they always do, Dad.. I.. I just think it's best if we just forget about it.

-Forget about what? What that monster did to you? (Tony shows up)

-I just can't do this right now, okay? It's not a big deal and it was my fault! Okay? I have to take the consequences of my actions!

-What? Peter! That's not true! (Steve)

-Of course it is! I went to the damn party knowing damn well that he's not a good person!

-What do you mean? (Tony)

-Ugh.. I knew he had harassed a few boys from my classroom. I knew he's an asshole and I still went to his sister's party knowing he would be there! I should've seen it coming.

Not Tony nor Steve know what the hell to say. What are you supposed to do when your own child says he's guilty of being raped?

-Peter... I... (Steve)

-It's fine.. Really.. Just let this go..

And with that, he leaves and goes to his bedroom.

Tony sits where Peter was and just puts his hands on his face, slightly shaking.

-How can he say things like this? How can he think this is his fault? Jesus Christ, Steve.. What are we gonna do?

-I—I don't know.. I honestly don't know.. We should find a therapist.

-He would hate us if we told what happened to a stranger without him knowing. He.. he's already been through enough. If I were him, I would feel betrayed..

-Yeah.. You're right.. What do you propose?

-Well.. We have the rape kit.. There must be a witness.. We have to convince him to talk to the police. 

-He said he doesn't want to!

-Steve, he has to talk to us! He's a child! He cannot go through that alone. We have to arrest this monster!

-I know, but he'll hate us..

-He can't think straight right now. We gotta make this decision for him. He has to talk to us! He can't just... scare the shit outta me and make me go through that.. and make me see him like that, bleeding and so fucking terrified.. And... And just do nothing, Steve! Jesus Christ!

Tony starts to cry.

Steve goes to him and just hugs his husband really tight, rubbing his back.

-Oh, Tony... I'm so sorry you had to see that.. I.. that must be so.. traumatizing.. I can't imagine what you're going through.. I'm so sorry...

-It was horrible.. He looked so small.. He was in so much pain.. I... I didn't know what to do, I didn't hug him.. I didn't say I was sorry.. I just had to get him out of there!

-You did everything right! He was hurt and you seeked him medical attention, that's what he needed. And you're gonna give him all the hugs and all the love he deserves for the rest of his life because you're a good parent. Okay? You're an amazing father and you did nothing wrong! It's okay... 

-Steve... I'm so sorry.

-You've got nothing to be sorry for. You hear me? Nothing! It's okay, I'm right here, sweetheart.. I've got you.. Shh..

Steve now is sobbing and they just hug each other tight.

*****

Peter lays down on his bed, feeling horrible. He feels nauseous and sick and disgusting. The aftermath of everything just feels almost worse than the ocasion. It's like everything is a reminder of what happened and he can't scape it. He feels extremely guilty for lying to his parents. But they can't know who actually hurt him. They would freak out. They wouldn't believe him. So, Peter feels completely lonely. And it hurts. It hurts like hell. It's his fault anyways, so he should just grow a pair. But then why can't he just forget about it? It's over, it's not gonna happen again, so what's the problem? What the hell is wrong with him?

The worst thing though is that he'll have to keep living with the person who did that. And just this thought gives him way too much anxiety. How is he supposed to act? His parents know him too well, they will notice..

But, for now, he just grabs his blade, his old friend, and cuts his left wrist. Like he's been doing since 11 years old. For a lot of reasons and for no reason at all. But now he has a good one. He managed to hide this from Tony and Steve until now, hopefully it will stay this way.

It's weird to see the blood running through his forearm. It feels warm and gives him chills at the same time. However, he doesn't feel guilty anymore. He deserves it this time. And no one can convince him otherwise. He deserves it.

And, with that thought, he makes another cut. Then another. Until there's no more space left in his body. He thinks he's never cut this much. And it feels good for a little while, for a little longer. Thank God for his enhanced metabolism, because this looks bad.

He lays down on the bed again and scrolls through twitter, his safe place.

However, it doesn't seem safe anymore, because he has too many notifications and it feels unusual. His heart starts accelerating. He opens them.

"Just like his dads. A faggot. Lol!"

"Points to whoever fucked him. He's kind of.. disgusting.."

"Always knew he was a faggot"

"Faggot"

"Whore"

"Faggot"

"Faggot"

"Faggot"

He opens the video everyone's commenting on and his heart stops. He can't believe it. It's him. Naked. On his back. Being raped. Showing him moaning. Showing the other guy moaning. Showing him having reactions. 

-No no no no no no.. No! No no no! 

Everybody saw it. And everybody thinks he enjoyed it.. Everybody saw him naked.. And the video obviously doesn't show the guy who did it. They think he's having sex. They think he's some cheap slut. They saw it.. And think he had sex.

Peter's heart accelerates and it feels like it's going to explode. His vision is blurry and his hands are shaking.

-FUCK!

He throws his new cellphone on the wall and he starts to scream.

-FUCK! FUCKING HELL! FUCK!

He falls on the floor and embraces his legs close to his chest.

*****

-What was that? (Tony)

-I don't know, I think it came from Pete's bedroom. Let's go. (Steve)

They go to his bedroom to find an angry, terrified and broken Peter. His violently crying and shaking his body back and forth. It's ugly, it's terrifying.

-Peter! Peter, what happened!? (Tony comes closer to him and also gets on his knees)

-Oh my god oh my god oh my god!

-Peter, what happened!? Talk to me!

-They know! They know!

-Peter! What's going on!? Peter!

Now Steve comes closer to them.

-Honey, talk to us. You need to explain what's going on so we can help you! 

Steve manages to touch his arms in a gentle and comforting way. Peter stops shaking his body back and forth but still can't take his hands away from covering his face.

-Baby, look at me. What's wrong? What do they know? Please! What happened!?

Instead of saying something, Peter gathers some courage to show them the video. It was actually more of a reaction than a decision. He just automatically shows them.

Peter will never forget the looks on their faces. 

They look terrified, disgusted and so fucking sad. This made him cry even more. He hates himself even more.

Tony runs the hell out of there and goes to the bathroom to throw up his guts. He's the one who's shaking now. He throws up once more. It hurts. The image of his child like that is now forever impregnated inside his mind. He threw up more times than he can count. 

Steve is just paralyzed. He can't breathe. He can't move. He can't blink. He just lets his child desperately crying. He can't hug him.

After what it felt like forever, he can move his gaze to Peter. And now his browns are so frowned that it hurts. He's angry. He's completely destroyed for life. 

It's traumatizing enough to hear that your son was sexually abused. But to see your child being raped, to see the pure agony in his face, to see him completely terrified, to see his baby being torn apart, there are no words to how heartbreaking it is. It makes you want to die. And even worse, to discover it's on the Internet for everyone else to see. 

Only after Peter starts hitting himself, can Steve get his shit together and come back to reality.

-Peter! Stop! Stop! Hey, look at me! Stop, stop! Hey! Pete... Please, look at me.. 

He can manage to touch his face.

-Pete..I'm so sorry..

Peter finally caves into the touch and lets his father hug him as tight as he can.

Steve puts one hand on his kid's head, kissing his head for a while then resting his chin above it.

-I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry, baby.. Shh.. We're gonna fix this. I've got you.. Shh... I'm so sorry, cub.. My baby.. I'm sorry.. Dad is here.. Shh... It's okay..

-Dad.. It hurts so much...

-I know, baby, I know it hurts.. I'm so sorry... God... I'm sorry...

They stay hugged for God knows how long. Peter lets go of the hug.

-We're gonna fix this, okay? Listen, let me just talk with your father real quick. Why don't you go drink some water and wait for us downstairs. I'm sorry, but can we do that?

-A—Alright..

Steve kisses his head once more and Peter goes downstairs.

-Tony? 

Tony is on the ground, looking completely disassociated. The bathroom smells like vomit and there's a drop of blood in Tony's lip. He has his back against the bathtub and traces of tears in his cheeks.

Steve doesn't want to admit, but he would rather be in Tony's place instead of comforting Peter, because it was the hardest thing he has ever done and he doesn't think he did a good job.

He flushes the toilet, gets a wet towel and gets down on his knees. He passes the towel on Tony's forehead, he's sweating more than he's supposed to.

-Tony.. Tones, can you hear me?

Tony can manage to look at his husband, but doesn't say anything yet.

-Sweetheart, you have to say something.. I.. I can't do this without you. I know this was terrifying and.. and disgusting and horrible, but you need to react! You can't do this to me! I'm gonna freak out if I have to deal with all of this by myself! I don't know what to do! Please, talk to me!

And, like he has come out of a dream, he can react again.

-Steve... Steve.. I.. How.. How can this be happening? I mean, he's just a boy! He's my boy! 

More tears find their way on his cheeks again.

-I don't know.. I don't know.. I have no idea of what to do! (Steve)

-Jesus... I'm sorry I freaked you out. I'm.. I'm better now, thanks..

-It's alright..

They get up from the floor.

-Are you sure you're better? (Steve)

-Yes, love.

-Okay... Good. Let's go..

*****

-P—Pete? (Tony is scared that he might break at any moment)

Peter doesn't answer. He's bewildered.

-Underoos, can you hear me?

Tony sits down on the couch with him and Steve sits on the chair.

-Sweetheart, we need to talk.. You need to tell us what happened so we can help you. (Tony)

-The.. The video...

-FRIDAY, send the video to me so we can use it as evidence and delete it from the whole Internet right now.

-Yes, boss.

-Done. 

Peter looks at Steve as wanting him to get him out of there. But there's nothing he can do, so he just nods.

-Please, don't make me..

-We gotta put him in jail, kiddo.. Isn't that what you want? Huh?

-I don't know...

-We're gonna get the best lawyer in town and we're gonna fix this. I promise! (Steve)

-You.. You don't have to act like I'm some kind of person to be avenged, Dad.

-Hey, look at me! (Tony)

He does.

-You're our son! And something terrible happened to you. Of course we're gonna avenge you! (Tony)

Peter abruptly gets up from the couch.

-Well, I don't wanna! I have the right to choose! And I'm not gonna do it just so you both can feel better! Leave me alone!

He storms off the room.

-Where are you going!? (Steve)

-Wherever!

He closes the door with a bump.

-Jesus Christ.. (Steve passes a hand through his face)

-What is going on with this kid? Doesn't he want justice!? Doesn't he think he deserves it!?

-I think he's just trying to survive right now..

They look at each other with broken looks on their faces.

END OF CHAPTER