As his blood dripped from his lips to the floor, he wrote, he held the pen with shaky fingers and penned the letter, if Steve would find him, he would see reasons to just finish him. he did not deserve to live.
"choose the light, no matter how bright it is, hold the sun responsible for daylight crimes, smile at the moon..." it was a poem his mother used to read for them when they were little, Steve would get it, Steve would be livid and he would just end it all.
He leaned on the wall and took a deep breath, it was a big mistake because his bruised rib hurt and he could not suppress the whine that escaped his lip. God he was pathetic, how did he go from being the scary bad guy to being beaten around by a self righteous prick. In a sick twisted way, he enjoyed it, he enjoyed seeing Steve worked up and bothered because of him, he loved seeing the crease of his brows when he sights him, the self suffering sigh that escapes his lip, the suppressed groans, signs he had come to love, little expressions he had began to admire.
He enjoyed the crunch, crunch, crunch of his bones under Steve's fists, he enjoyed the way he'd hold him down and choke him, it wasn't supposed to be sexy but he found it sexy, he wished it was under different circumstances, he was positive Steve would have been gentler.
The crazy thing was that he was strong enough to overpower Steve, pin him down, kill him with one punch and live normally but he enjoyed it. if they both survived this, he'd treat him to a lavish dinner, look deep into his eyes while they ate and after he'd speak sweet nothings into his ear as they made love but that was wishful thinking. Steve was a super hero and he was a villain, they'd never get along.
He finished the short poem and was about to slide it under the door when he heard Steve's voice.
"buck?" it was said passionately as if they were already lovers, as if they were just fighting some minutes ago.
"babe hey" he shook him gently as though he were waking him from a dream. it was too real to be a dream and who the hell is babe?
"sweetheart, you are scaring me, please open your yes" he was frantic now, frantic was never good, he'd better just do as he said to avoid another punch.
his past handlers were never this patient, if they became frantic, a really painful punishment would follow.
he opened his eyes and yup it was a dream, a dream. it never even existed, he was here with his sweet husband of five years and they had never gotten into a fight, he was safe.
Steve's blue eyes were safe, his strong arms were safe, his soft calloused palms were safe, they were ok, they were not super heroes, they were just two men who were in love and were in their bedroom. no handlers, no cryo, no guns.
Steve breathed a sigh of relief "you had me worried for a second" he struggled and failed to hide the tremor in his voice.
Bucky sighed, he lacked words to explain what he'd seen. he was sure Steve understood.
"those dreams are becoming frequent" Steve said as he helped him sit up. they had a rule; no touching after nightmares. yet it broke him to see Steve struggle to obey the rule but it was for their own good.
the last time it happened, Steve was left with a broken nose, nobody knew how it happened but it happened, it took Bucky two weeks to get over the guilt no matter how much Steve tried to reassure him.
Steve went out and returned with a cup of water for him to drink.
he took a sip and ignored the pointed look he was getting from Steve.
"what did you see?" it was a familiar dance, one that he had mastered all the steps to. Steve still had some hope though that one day he would tell him the truth.
he took his time to swallow.
Steve groaned.
"where do i even start?"
"the part where you agree to go for therapy"
he was too exhausted to argue, so he busied himself with taking little sips of water and huffing.
"grown man, hiding behind a glass of water and i thought I've seen it all" he mumbled. Bucky wanted to laugh but it was not a good time.
he wished he could say something but there was nothing to say, he could not even understand himself.
so he sighed.
Steve visibly jerked "you always do this"
"babe" he said groggily
"not now, i want us to talk about this, we have danced around it for too long, let's come clean with each other"
"I've never lied to you"
"but you are not telling me everything either"
he nodded
"its ok but i just need you to get help"
"i think its all coming back to me"
Steve turned to him "what?"
"my past" he handed the empty glass to Steve " I keep seeing faces and reliving the same moments and in those dreams there is handlers and I'm always fighting with you"
Steve- God bless his soul- was genuinely confused.
"i don't get it either" Bucky said
he wanted Steve to be happy, he wanted peace and if going for therapy or whatever Steve wanted him to do would keep the peace then it was a small price to pay.
"i don't get it" he said again
"can i hug you now?" Steve asked
he opened his arms and Steve crawled into his embrace,they kissed for a while before Steve, lay on his chest.
"I'll go for therapy' he said after a long pause
Steve hummed
"I'm serious and no you are not forcing me, i will do anything to keep us safe" he kissed his forehead again "i can't sleep peacefully anymore without fearing that the people i love would die because of me, i can't keep living with the nagging feeling that one night, somebody would come and destroy our peace" that was all he could say.
Steve kissed his arm. "i could climb you now, but it's too early to cut my lip"
"when has that ever stopped you"
"i love you, Bucky, battered, bruised or broken."
"i love you too Stevie, cut lips or not"
"little shit" Steve said playfully.
it wasn't a perfect start but it was good enough.