"Hurry!" Captain Steve Rogers shouted to his compatriot as he trudged through the thick wooded area, his patriotically-colored Vibranium shield blocking the acidic vomit of a Dilophosaurus before using that same shield to smack the carnivorous creature a good distance backward. "I know you're not the type to enter a combat situation, but we'll need to keep up in order to survive."
"Be patient," replied Argit, the rodent-like alien being half-dragged behind the far more athletic Captain. "We ain't all privileged enough to receive super-steroids from Uncle Sam, ya know." He was dressed casually in orange sweats in contrast with Rogers' red-white-and-blue combat outfit and matching armored cowl.
Steve stopped. "You watch that smart mouth of yours, young man," he said as if lecturing a child. "True, these circumstances are... extenuating, to say the least, but if you're not gonna contribute anything, the least you can do pipe down so I can concentrate on us getting out of here."
"Yeah, 'cuz you've been such a great help so far," Argit replied as he gestured to the high-tech manacles binding the two together by the wrists.
"Hey, I'm not the one who thought it'd be a bright idea to stow away on a SHIELD helecarrier to snatch the valuables from agents' luggage," Captain America responded curtly.
"How was I supposed to know we'd get hit by a HYDRA missile while you were fighting me off?" The alien crossed his arms, absentmindedly pulling Steve closer to him. "And what are we even supposed to be doing on this backwoods island anyway?"
"That's need-to-know and you don't," Captain America said. "Look, just cooperate with me on this, and soon we'll be free and never talk about this again. Sound good?"
"Fine by me," Argit said as he absentmindedly stepped into a snare trap that hoisted him upwards, dragging the hero with him and causing him to drop his shield. The two found themselves surrounded by raygun-toting HYDRA agents, seven in total.
"At last," one of the agents said excitedly. "We have the one and only Captain America... and some other guy... in our clutches! The boss is gonna love this!"
"What boss?" Steve shouted. "Who are you working for?"
"You won't live long enough to find out," another HYDRA agent said as they all trained their laser guns on the two. "Give Hell our best regards, Captain!"
Before any of the HYDRA agents could fire a single shot, a small, red drone flew in and sniped all seven of the agents with plasma blasts, before firing another one and freeing Argit and Steve.
"Welcome to the party, Sam," the grateful Captain said as his friend Sam Wilson, the Falcon, descended from on high with his mechanical wings, descending with a double-footed stomp on the ribcage of the one HYDRA operative unlucky enough to still be conscious.
"Couldn't let you have all the fun," Falcon responded with a wry smile as he noticed the alien handcuffed to his partner. "What's this, new pet?"
"Just try to play fetch with me, birdbrain," Argit said in his best (not very good) attempt at a threatening tone of voice.
"Ignore him," Steve said. "What happened to Bucky?"
"Whoever's leading this HYDRA battalion has him locked up tighter than Nick Fury's scotch cabinet," Falcon answered. "They're in that abandoned lab about a mile west of here; place is swarming with security -- and by 'security,' I mean 'trained velociraptors.' You can't make this shit up."
"They'll be expecting us," Steve said as he picked up his shield. "But not him..."
Argit looked concerned. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
----
He got his answer as Captain America charged through the abandoned lab with the small alien held in front of him, Argit compulsively firing quills from his body at every carnivorous creature that blocked their path. As two more raptors blocked a metal door, Steve swung Argit around like a rag doll and used him to bludgeon the Dinos into submission.
"Next time I decide to steal from the Avengers, have the decency to talk me out of it," the now greatly aggravated alien said between groans.
"Duly noted," Captain America said before using his shield to break down the door. There he saw Bucky Barnes, the Winter Soldier, suspended in an electromagnetic field in the middle of the room with a dozen HYDRA agents scattered around him.
"Who's behind all this?" Captain America shouted into the vast room. "Show yourself, coward!"
"Well well well," a mysterious figure said as he stepped out of the shadows. He was a scrawny white guy with bleached-blond dreadlocks, color contacts, a spattering of tattoos, and a distractingly uncomfortable-looking puffy coat. "Looks like the spider caught himself a couple of flies."
Argit's eyes widened. "Hey, I know you! You're Tom Berger-King, that alt-right hip-hop rapper!"
"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH YOU SJW SNOWFLAKE CUCK," Berger-King roared. "You think just because I'm trying to warn everyone about the clear and present danger that colored and queer and mentally deficient people pose to our wholesome Christian lifestyle, that makes me some kind of Nazi? YOU LIBERAL SNOWFLAKES ARE TOO SENSITIVE AND CAN'T STAND ANY DISAGREEMENT! IF I WERE IN CHARGE, YOU'D GET THE DEATH PENALTY!"
"You are a sad, strange little man," Captain America said, "And you have my pity."
"Spare me your sanctimony, Captain Anti-America," Berger-King said. "You're just a smug holier-than-thou slacktivist giving handouts to those worthless parasites trying to take away what is rightfully ours! Plus, you don't even use Facebook or watch reality TV, so you're not really an American anyway! YOU ARE AN AMERICAN TRAITOR AND THE ANTITHESIS TO WHAT OUR GREAT COUNTRY STANDS FOR!"
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life," Argit said. "And besides, aren't you Canadian?"
"ENOUGH," Berger-King bellowed as he reached into his pocket and held up a device that looks like a small remote, pointing it at a nearby alcove full of raptors waiting at attention. "This little doohickey lets me control all the velociraptors on this island; when me and the rest of HYDRA bring these sexy beasts back to American shores, there is NOTHING YOU AND THE OTHER GAY JIHADI COMMUNISTS CAN DO TO STOP US!" He and his henchmen erupted into bellowing, evil laughter...
Which became screams of terror when a Tyrannosaurus rex burst through the floor-to-ceiling window behind Tom Berger-King, roaring at the rapper and causing him to drop his device, making it shatter.
"What the fuck?" Tom felt a stain spread across the front of his pants as he backed away from the tyrant lizard king staring him down.
"You can thank me for that," Falcon said as he swooped in. "My drone emits a sonar that resonates at a frequency that makes these big boys more open to suggestion." He patted the T-Rex's head. "And it looks like you've lost your bargaining chip."
Sure enough, the door separating the raptors from the humans swung open and all hell broke loose. As Falcon helped Winter Soldier come down from his prison, HYDRA soldiers tried in vain to fight off the raptors, errant laser blasts flying in every direction -- one of them breaking the manacles binding Steve and Argit together.
"This can't be," Tom said as he watched the chaos unfold. "My own troops fallen prey to some stupid lizards! Is this the white genocide?"
He'd unfortunately somehow forgotten about the T-Rex, who gripped the rapper in its mighty jaws and bolted away as its prey tried uselessly to free himself.
"Thanks for the rescue, guys," Winter Soldier said. "I've still got the digital map with out current objective. It's gonna take us a while to get there."
"Not to worry," Falcon replied. "I signaled for help, and a new plane should be arriving right about..."
A small hovercraft appeared near where the window used to be, and the heroes jumped in.
"Thanks, young man," Steve said to Argit before turning to join the others. "You were a huge help and proved yourself a great hero."
As the superhero took his leave, Argit had only one thought to spare...
"That is America's ass!"