"Let me just say for the hundredth time what an honor it is to have you here today," Johnny "The Human Torch" Storm said to the special guest gracing his high-tech hero headquarters. "Ninja Mime shaped my entire moral compass!"
"Always a privilege to meet a fan," replied the guest, renowned actor and martial artist Johnny Cage. He wore a blue tux with an untied bowtie and a pair of $500 sunglasses. "And what'll be an even bigger pleasure is being the man who made Fantastic Four movies not suck!"
Indeed, Cage had just gotten off the phone with Kevin Feige to negotiate his role as the Human Torch in the Marvel Cinematic Universe's Fantastic Four reboot and had been sent to meet with the movies' subjects personally to get into character. He strode through the team's penthouse, where team leader, smartest man alive, and John Krasinski lookalike Reed Richards -- wearing the same deep blue bodysuit as Johnny Storm -- was focusing intently on one of the massive supercomputers that seemed to be on the fritz.
"Johnny, are you sure it's all that wise letting a guest we've never met into the building?" Reed squinted his eyes as the laser torch in his stretched fingers welded pieces of frayed machinery back together. "You know Dr. Doom's planning that attack against us and we need to take extra precautions."
"Dr. Doom? More like Dr. Dumbass," Johnny Cage said, eliciting a high-five from the other Johnny in the room. "What kind of idiot announces that they're going to attack you? That in mind, it's no wonder you guys kick his ass on a weekly basis."
"You gotta love this guy," Johnny Storm said as the two sat in front of a fireplace that the Human Torch ignited with his powers.
"Besides, I could never be a spy," Cage admitted. "I suck at keeping secrets; I've been sued multiple times for violating NDAs."
"That might get you in trouble here at Marvel," Reed said with a roll of his eyes before being caught off-guard by a small explosion. "Damn it, this keeps happening!" He spoke into his wrist communicator. "Matt, is everything alright up there?"
"No problems up here, Reed," replied the man on the other end of the communicator. He looked exactly like Adam Driver but with glasses and short blond hair, and he was currently standing atop the roof of the Baxter Building amid the complex array of satellites and radars strewn about. "I mean, there's some slight wiring issues with a couple of the hypersonic transmitters, but I can fix that up in fifteen minutes."
Johnny Storm smirked smugly. "What was that you said about people we don't know we can trust, Reed?"
"Hey, Matt here came recommended highly," Reed replied, "And I'll have you know he's been more efficient in making these kinds of repairs than anyone I've worked with so far."
"Aw, thanks, man," Matt said. "You guys are all totally awesome, just like Kylo Ren from the Star Wars movies!"
"Kylo Ren fucking sucked," Johnny Cage replied. "I saw better character development when I starred in Michael Bay's version of Hamlet. Fortunately in that case, Razzies turned out to be the only award I can't win. Now, what did you want to discuss with me, Johnny?"
"Quite a bit, Johnny," the Human Torch replied. "Now first, how much experience to you have with superheroing?"
"Oh, you mean aside from saving your asses from the dark forces of Shinnok and Shah Kahn on a regular basis?" Johnny Cage tensed up a bit before relaxing again. "Eh, not much. I do all my own stunts and have all my own powers, so that should save you guys a shitton in CGI. I can't really do fire powers, but you can just set me on fire instead! Trust me; I've died and come back to life literally thousands of times, don't ask me how."
"Hey, we're superheroes," Johnny Storm said. "Nobody in our lives stays dead except for Spider-Man's uncle and Bruce Wayne's parents. Still, you have the Johnny Storm talent, and the Johnny Storm experience, but I don't know if you have the right Johnny Storm look. I mean, the last guys they got to play me didn't look a damn thing like me! Did kinda look like Captain America and Killmonger, though..."
Without saying a word, Johnny Cage stood and ripped open his shirt, revealing his first name tattooed in intricate lettering across his muscular chest.
Johnny Storm's eyes widened like a teenager discovering Playboy. "Perfect! You're hired! Couldn't imagine a better fit for the role!"
"Well he certainly has your ego," Reed said before the bank of supercomputers lit back up. "Alright, perfect!"
At that moment, Matt the radar technician entered with his duffel bag. "I trust you finally got the computers working again, Mr. Fantastic?"
"I couldn't have done it without your help, Matt," Reed said as he stretched his arm to pat Matt on the shoulder.
"I'm just happy I'm here," Matt said. His mood quickly darkened before he flashed a malicious grin. "To see you DIE!" Matt pressed a button on a remote, causing the doors and windows to disappear behind thick steel walls as the room was bathed in a dim crimson light.
Both Johnnies gave Reed an "I told you so" look.
"You utter fool," Matt said as he produced what looked like a black sword hilt from his duffel bag. "You were so put off by my disarming demeanor and mechanical proficiency that you never suspected that I was the spy Dr. Doom sent to destroy the Fantastic Four!" He pressed a button on the hilt, causing a lengthy red plasma blade to spring forth as two smaller plasma blades formed a cross-guard toward where the main blade met the hilt. With a raise of his free hand, Reed Richards and Johnny Storm levitated helplessly in the air. "And the architect of your demise? None other than the one, the only..." A black helmet with a slim visor lens levitated onto Matt's head. "KYLO REN!"
"You still suck," Johnny Cage said dismissively.
Kylo Ren stalked toward the celebrity. "What's this? A mere actor dares to question Darth Vader's Legacy? Learn your place, you insolent child, or else"-
While the would-be Sith Lord was busy monologuing, Johnny Cage did a split, lowering himself to the ground too quickly for the villain to react before Johnny punched Kylo Ren in the gonads. The Human Torch and Mr. Fantastic fell to the ground.
"I may be an actor, but what you see from me aren't just special effects," Cage said as he cracked his knuckles. "I am the special effects!"
"Catch," Reed said as he threw Johnny a lightsaber of his own. "This ain't the first time I've dealt with the First Order's advanced technology... but why you? What do you have to gain from hunting us?"
"Dr. Doom told me he had the soul of Darth Vader in his possession," Kylo Ren explained. "And he told me that if I did him the favor of exterminating you, he would use his knowledge of arcane sorcery to bring my hero back from the grave to rule a new Empire with me by his side!"
"And you actually believed all that?" Johnny Storm chuckled as he grabbed a lightsaber as well. "I knew Reed was wrong about you being trustworthy, but I didn't think he'd be wrong about you being stupid as well!"
"Well the virus I installed in your computers is letting out building-wide frequencies that dampen your powers, so I'd think twice before mouthing off to me, boy." Kylo Ren snarled as he pointed at the hero with his blade.
"Who said we need powers?" Johnny Cage unleashed his lightsaber's green blade at the same time the Human Torch unleashed his blue one.
"Reed, go back to the computer and techno-whatever a way out of this," Johnny Storm said confidently. "Let the Johnnies handle this."
The two heroes charged at the Sith Lord, roaring mightily as Reed Richards' brilliant mind had already began devising countermeasures for Kylo Ren's cyberattack.
A week later, Victor Von Doom's confidence at not having heard a word about the Fantastic Four since he sent Kylo Ren to dispatch them came crashing down when he opened an email from the Baxter Building, releasing a virus that wiped out half the porn from his hard drives and changed his desktop wallpaper to a picture of Doom's 2015 film counterpart. His anguished scream of Richards' name echoed across the land.