Chapter 15
The rest of the week flew by as Star spent hours preparing for the upcoming trial and working with business associates to manage her businesses. The Saturday night before the trial started Bucky planned a quiet and relaxing evening in for just the two of them.
Since they were still sticking close to Stark tower, for safety reasons until the trial was over, he asked Pepper for help and planned a picnic in Y/N's room. Pepper called Y/N to shop at her place and they spent hours looking at clothes, debating styles, fabrics and colors.
It was after 6pm when Y/N realized how much time had passed "Damn Pep, why didn't you tell me it was getting so late? I was supposed to meet Bucky 20 minutes ago." She grabbed her phone, surprised that there were no messages.
Pepper looked at her knowingly "How are things going with you two? Anything steamy to gossip about?"
Y/N felt her face heat up and shook her head "No, nothing like that. He's just been very supportive and protective. A good friend."
Pepper looked at her sympathetically "I understand why you are being careful but that man is crazy about you. It's written all over his face. Yours too. Taking it slow is smart but don't let John or your fathers words throw you off track. They were hate filled bastards so don't let them ruin what you have."
Y/N wiped a tear off of her face, still overwhelmed at any kindness offered to her "Thank you, Pepper. You don't know how much your and Tony's friendship and support has meant to me. I really had given up on the idea of people helping others for the sake of helping, without any conditions or expectations." She hugged Pepper quickly "We'll finish this shopping later." And bolted out of the apartment and to her own.
The door was unlocked so she knew Bucky was already there but she wasn't expecting her rooms to be turned into a fairy tale. There were twinkle lights everywhere and a few candles, which made the room glow softly and left a hint of vanilla behind. Mellow jazz was playing softly.
Bucky looked up at her and smiled nervously, hoping that she liked it, that he wasn't moving too fast. The smile on her face encouraged him.
"Welcome home, Star. I have supper ready if you're hungry. Have a seat on the pillows in there and I'll bring everything out."
When they were settled in Bucky's nest, eating dinner he told her about his day at the motorcycle shop, the custom bike he was working on for a client. The customer who had a fit about paying the already agreed upon charges and how a 10% discount shut him up.
Star told him about the progress she was making sorting through her father's business mess, deciding the fate of each individual business and property. And about shopping with Pepper.
Bucky smiled at how she was slowly coming back to the woman he had fallen in love with. Like every layer of her father and John that she pulled back and let go of revealed more of the woman she was meant to be.
They picked out a silly movie to watch and cuddled up closely, Star on his lap, his arms holding her steady. At one point she laughed so hard she pulled away from Bucky and he took the opportunity to look at her in the soft lighting. He was still amazed, every day, that she was here with him, that they might have another chance to be together.
When her laughing calmed down, Star noticed him looking at her.
"What? Do I have something on my face?" She looked down as she felt her face heat up but Bucky gently grabbed her chin and pulled her up to look at him.
He shook his head "No, your face is beautiful. I'm just, I don't know, I'm still in awe and a bit of disbelief that you're here. With me. My Star is here and I'm expecting to wake up from this dream, like I have so many times in the last 3 years." He lowered his voice to a whisper and looked at her with tears in his eyes "Please don't be a dream."
She leaned into him and her lips brushed his so softly he almost couldn't feel it. He kissed her back, thrilling at the feel of her. She deepened the kiss, his mouth sweet and not aggressive like she was used to, when she was kissed at all. His tongue softly traced along the seam of her lips, he wanted her more than he could describe but didn't want to push her. She accepted his tongue and they danced until they both needed air.
Bucky slowly and softly traced his hands down her back, pulling her closer. Star moaned into his mouth, desperate for real affection instead of the way she had been used over the years.
When she felt his hardness pushed up against her, something in Star snapped and she was back in John's bed, she tried to breathe, remind herself that this wasn't him, that sex could feel good for her. She really tried but couldn't stop the images, the feelings and she froze.
Bucky felt her freeze and quickly pulled back to see her eyes were glazed over but before he could say anything she did.
"No, stop. I, nonono, John please. I can't, please" she pushed him away.
Bucky tried to soothe her but she was deep in a memory, thrashing in his arms with tears streaming down her face. "Please John, it hurts. Brock hurt me. Stop. Please."
Bucky relaxed His hold, hoping to keep her from hurting herself and rocking gently, whispering words of love and encouragement. His heart ached for her but he also felt rage over what they had done to his sweet Star. He would kill both of them with his bare hands if he could.
They sat like this for a few minutes until she calmed down, his voice bringing her back to reality.
When she realized what happened she pulled away from him, afraid to look him in the eyes and trying not to cry "I'm so sorry Jamie, it just felt like it took over my brain and felt so real." She glanced up at his face and caught his eyes. They were warm blue, like a tropical sea, and full of concern.
He hesitantly reached out to caress her cheek. She tensed a little but his touch was so warm and safe, he smelled so good. It felt like home and she relaxed, leaning into his hand.
Bucky shook his head "No, Star, don't be sorry. What they did to you was not your fault and forced you to live for survival. Now you will be able to really live but it's gonna take time to relearn." He kissed her forehead "I'll be here for you every step, however you need me."
Star looked at him sadly "I don't know if I can be that woman anymore, Jamie. Even if I find a way to heal, I have lived with the darker side of people for years. I'll never be able to unsee or forget everything."
Bucky smiled sadly "I know, doll. That kind of shit sticks with you. I had some troubles after we came home from Afghanistan. It still fucks me up sometimes but I learned how to live with it. And with myself."
He carefully pulled her back into his arms "You will too, your therapist will help and I'll be here."
Star shook her head and took a deep breath, afraid to say what she felt she had to say to him, in case he...
"Jamie." She said it so firmly that he pulled back to look in her eyes. Her insides fluttered.
"I, uh I don't want you to stay and help me if it's just out of guilt or some sense of obligation. I've already forgiven you and I um..." Her brain froze and her mouth stumbled over the whispered words. "I still love you and want to be with you." She took a breath to steady herself and cleared her throat "But I'm broken, don't know if I'll ever be ok again.
She looked down, unable to face his rejection.
Bucky felt his heart swelling, love for her filling every part of him. "Y/N, my sweet, perfect, shining Star. You are all I want. All I've wanted since the day we met and I will wait as long as you need me to. I'm not going anywhere if I have any say over the matter."
She looked up at him with wide eyes "But why? How can you...still want me? I'm broken. Used. How could you want someone like me?"
"Oh doll, everyone is broken in one way or another. I told you some of the stories from my time in the military or growing up with my POS father. Did you know you were part of my healing? All the shit with my dad, what he did to my mom the rare times he showed up. I didn't know relationships could be like ours. What we had and will find again. Just don't give up on me, on us. Please. Our love is too precious to let go of."
Star saw the love in his eyes and pushed past her fear to let herself trust in it, in him, in them.
"It's getting late sweetheart, lets get some rest." He picked her up and carried her to her bed before stripping to his briefs and pulling her into his arms.
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The next morning, Friday woke them up to have brunch with Tony, Pepper and baby Morgan. They had a fun brunch with a couple of drag queens that Pepper knew, listening to show tunes and playing trivia. When they were finished eating, Tony took Bucky to his lab to show him some ideas he had for motorcycle upgrades and Pepper took Y/N to her wardrobe where they indulged in massages, facials and mani/pedi plus champagne and edibles. Pepper hoped to keep Star distracted about the trial starting the next day.
Star was nervous, John and Olivia had been bad mouthing her to anyone who would listen, claiming that Y/N had been the mastermind behind everything that had happened from forcing John to end his relationship with Olivia so she could marry him, to having Sharon end her father.
She knew the evidence supported her version but she had been unceremoniously dumped by a couple of charities that she was involved with and some who backed her therapeutic stable pulled their funding. She could afford to pay for the stables operations but then learned some of the parents pulled riders from her lessons and it broke her heart. All she could do was tell her truth and hope people would come back when they learned what actually happened.
Pepper tried to console her "You know how people can be, over cautious, but the truth will come out and they will come back."
Star nodded in understanding "I know, it's just such bullshit. I haven't even been involved in that program since I married John."
Star had a light dinner with Pepper before having a glass of wine and an edibla with Bucky. They curled up together for a restless nights sleep, visions of worst case scenarios waking her up repeatedly until she gave up and climbed up to the garden on the roof to watch the sun rise.