Chapter 7
I was a mess of emotions on the drive home; I was excited to be out of the hospital, terrified to go into an empty house, and nervous to have not one, not two, but three Avengers in my house. When we got into the house, I immediately pushed myself into the doorway leading to the living room, where I sat and looked around at all of the stuff we left out before we left- things we thought we would need but decided not to pack, empty clothes hampers, piles of folded clothes we forgot to put away.
“You okay?” Clint asked behind me. I nodded and sighed.
“Yeah. It’s just- I guess part of me expected it to look differently than we left it. I think I also expected him to be here.” Clint put his hand on my shoulder as he walked past me into the living room, followed by Natasha and Steve. I pointed to the spare rooms down the hall.
“We never got rid of our parents’ beds, so there’s two spare rooms down the hall and an extra bed in my room. There’s also a couch, obviously, if you don’t want to use the beds.” I pushed myself into my room then remembered the sleeping arrangement. “Hey Clint?” I called.
“He’s in the bathroom,” Natasha said, walking into my room. “What do you need?”
“I just remembered that my bed is the top bunk. It’s gonna be kinda hard for me to get up there. I would just sleep on Charlie’s bed, but I don’t think I can mentally do that.”
“We can switch out the beds, if that’s what you want.” Before I could say anything else, she started moving Charlie’s stuff off his bed. Steve came in a little bit later, saw what she was doing, and wordlessly went to help her. Soon, Clint came in, saw me sitting in the corner, and came over to me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, crouching down to my level. I shook my head and wiped away the tears that silently formed.
“I just- I didn’t think it would be this hard, coming back here. I mean, I expected it to hurt, but not this much.” I broke down into tears, and Clint hugged me. I don’t want to do this without him. I know Steve said I don’t have to do it alone, and I know that, but I don’t know if I can do this without Charlie.
“Hey, hey hey. You’re okay. You’re going to be okay. Just let it out. I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here.” I know he kept talking, but I could only feel his voice from crying so hard.
By the time I finally stopped crying (or at least enough to tell him I was okay for the time being), Steve and Natasha had switched the mattresses and everything on top of them. They had also, thankfully, started to pack some of my clothes and the bare essentials that we wouldn’t be able to get in New York. Things like photo albums and stuffed animals I hadn’t touched much since I was little were put into boxes first. I was a little worried about how they would be handled, but they were super careful packing everything.
Given the fact that there was practically no food in my house, the four of us decided to go to a local restaurant, the only one open in town after the Snap. Driving there felt surreal; it was a small town, and everyone was usually out on their porches, out in the yards, or playing in the park. Now, there was no one, and I wondered just how many people were left.
While we were waiting for our food, the four of us started talking about what still needed done before we would leave Saturday morning.
“Can we stop at the daycare tomorrow? I want to see my kiddos one more time before we leave.” The ones that are left, at least. How many are there? Do they even know I’m alive? I’m sure they heard about the accident, but at the same time-
“Of course we can. Where’s your head at right now?” Clint asked. It was kind of scary, how well he could read me, even though this is only the second time we've seen each other in person.
“I should have called them a long time ago. I don’t even know how many kids are still there, how many lost their parents, how many teachers are left.”
“We don’t have to go to New York,” Clint said. “If you want to stay here and help rebuild, that’s okay.”
“No,” I said firmly. “I- I just need to see them one more time.”
After we ate and headed back to my house, I was exhausted. Steve and Natasha took the spare rooms, and Clint slept in the top bunk in my room. I’m not sure if Steve and Natasha fell asleep right away, but Clint and I stayed up for probably a couple hours; I was exhausted, yes, but I couldn’t sleep. It felt weird, being in the house and not having Charlie with me. So, instead of sleeping, we talked. Mostly, Clint talked, and I tried not to cry, but we talked nonetheless.
“How do you do it?” I asked. “How do you deal with the loss?” I heard him sigh from the top bunk.
“When I lost my parents, I ran away. It wasn’t healthy, but I didn’t know what else to do. I joined the circus. I learned archery. I did a lot of unhealthy things. It took me a long time for me to actually deal with the loss rather than deflect it, but I found people willing to help me. Laura saved my life, and so did Nat. That’s why I told you that you can’t push these feelings down; because I did, and it wasn’t going well. I needed that support system. And I know everyone grieves differently, but isolation is never the answer.”
After we woke up the next morning, we decided that Steve would drive me up to the daycare to visit, while Clint and Natasha packed up the house, at least to the point where we could leave it alone for however long I would be gone.
When we pulled into the parking lot, the kids were playing outside. I smiled as I realized that it looked like most of the kids were still there; the smile fell from my face when I realized that, more than likely, most- if not all- of them lost someone, or everyone. Steve grabbed my chair out of the backseat, and I sighed before sitting in it.
“You know, you don’t have to do this,” he said behind me. “I know you want to see them again, but I can only imagine that this is going to be hard for you.”
“I know I don’t have to; I want to. I need to know they’re at least somewhat okay.” When we got inside, Caroline, one of the teachers on break, saw Steve first and, reasonably, freaked out. When she saw me a split second later, she threw her phone on the table and sprinted out of the break room towards us. She gave me the tightest hug I’ve gotten in a long time. When she finally let go of me, her eyes were full of tears. She led the two of us to the break room and offered us coffee, which we both accepted.
“We heard about the accident and Charlie,” she said as she was pouring our coffee. “I’m so sorry. But, I have to ask; how did you get into this situation?” She sat down and gestured to Steve. We all chuckled as I realized the strangeness of the situation.
“Yeah that’s a fair question. Hawkeye changed my tire when I was going out to Colorado a couple years back because I got a flat. He basically forced me to stay the night at his house and one thing led to another and now we’re here.” We spent the rest of her break talking and catching up; it had only been three weeks since I worked, but there was a lot for us to catch up on.
When the kids came back inside, we spent the rest of the morning with them. After a couple hours of watching them play, having them climb on top of me and Steve, and listening to them pepper us with questions (“Are you really Captain America?” “Have you really met Iron Man?” “Alex, how do you know Captain America?” “Are you coming back to play?”), we decided that it was time to say goodbye. When we pulled into my driveway, I sighed and held back tears.
“I’m probably never going to see them again. And I know Clint said that I could stay here, and that he would stay with me, but I’ve needed a fresh start since my parents died.”
“Why didn’t you ask Charlie’s parents?” Steve asked, still sitting in the driver’s seat. He turned the truck off and turned towards me.
I shrugged, even though I knew the answer: that I was too afraid they’d say no, and too afraid they’d say yes and uproot their entire lives for me.
“I dunno. I guess the timing just never felt right.” He helped me get back into the house, where most of my stuff was already packed.
“We haven’t gotten to your room yet,” Clint began. Steve began helping Natasha move some of the boxes to his truck. From there, they would take the stuff to a storage locker until we could bring it to New York. “We figured we would wait until you got back to do that.” I nodded, and the two of us went into my room so Clint could start packing. “How was the daycare?”
“Fine,” I said. “I just didn’t realize how much I would miss them until today. And I know you said we could stay here, but I really think this is going to be the fresh start I need. I can’t stand the sympathy stares that I’ve been getting for the past four and a half years. As much as I hate to say it, I don’t know that I can stay here much longer. I mean, I’ve lived in this town my whole life. I’ve lived in this house for ten years. This place practically raised me, and I can’t imagine living anywhere else. But, at the same time, I don’t want to be here if Charlie isn’t.” Clint nodded and sighed.
“I get it. That’s why I’ve been so willing to stay with you here. I don’t know if I can ever go back to Missouri. That place is full of good memories, but at the same time, everything in that house reminds me of them. Maybe this can be a fresh start for both of us.”