Chapter 4
About two weeks after I got back from Colorado was the fight in Germany. Not hearing anything about Clint, I called him almost every day. I left him the same exact message every day; “I know you said to only call you if it was an emergency, but this feels like an emergency. Please call me back and tell me you’re okay.” I sat with the volume all the way up on my phone, and I didn’t really leave the house; if he called me back, I wanted to be there to answer the phone.
The long-awaited phone call came two and a half weeks later. I was just getting home from work at the local daycare when my phone went off.
“Oh thank God. Are you okay? What happened?”
“Yes, Alex. I’m fine. Everyone who fought against the Accords either went on the run or got caught and went to prison. Nat broke us out, and now I’m on house arrest for at least two years. I see you’ve called me every day.”
“I’m sorry. I know you said it was only for emergencies, but I was worried.” We talked for a few more minutes, then agreed to call again on Sunday.
I don’t think either of us thought that the other person was being serious about calling each other every week, but we were. For the first few weeks, it was just me telling him about my week at work, how things were going with Darren and Clara (Darren was supportive as always; Clara was fighting me every step of the way), and telling him more about my parents. Then, about a month into the phone calls, Charlie asked me what I was doing, and why I insisted on not doing anything on Sundays.
“Look, I know you’re not religious, so you don’t go to church. The daycare is closed on Sundays, so you don’t go to work. What do you do every week that’s so secret I can’t know about it?” I smiled and sighed.
“I never had to keep it a secret from you. I just wanted to see how long it would take you to ask me what I was doing. You remember that day I sat in my car on my phone?” Charlie nodded. “That was Clint. He got put on house arrest after the fight in Germany. We call on Sunday afternoons. You are more than welcome to join us. I just wanted to see how long it would take you to ask me about it.” The next day, Charlie joined us on the phone calls, which very quickly turned into video calls; it was just easier for all three of us.
“I see someone figured it out,” Clint joked when he picked up that first week.
“Yeah, he finally asked me yesterday.” And so began what would end up being the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
By January, the three of us had already told each other a lot about ourselves, but there was something else that had been on my mind for a few weeks.
“How was the week?” he asked, the same way he began every call. Charlie and I looked at each other. “Something’s wrong. What happened?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I began. “It’s just- today’s three years since my parents died, so today’s not exactly a good day for me.”
“Oh, my God. I’m so sorry, Alex. What happened? If you don’t mind me asking, of course.” I sighed, and Charlie rubbed my back.
“No, it’s fine. They were in a car accident when I was fifteen. We had lived with Charlie and his parents since I was ten, so it just made sense that I would stay with them. Clara wanted me to live with her and Darren in Colorado, even though we hadn’t seen each other since Ama came out to her as trans. Charlie’s parents finally convinced her to let me stay with them if I would visit Colorado in the summer.”
“That’s why you said your town wasn’t the safest for someone with a family like yours.” I nodded.
“It’s also why I was so adamant about getting to Colorado. I was afraid that, if I didn’t get there in time, she’d make me move there full time. Anyway, I got called down to the office that day because I had a doctor’s appointment, and the three of us were going to go see a movie afterwards. I was in the office for at least twenty minutes, so I knew something was wrong. Neither of my moms were picking up, so I called Charlie’s mom, Alice.
“She’s the one that told me. She had already cancelled my appointment and called her husband, Michael, and they picked Charlie and I up at school to take us to the hospital. We didn’t make it in time; Mom died just after getting to the hospital, and Ama died maybe five minutes before we got there.
“I didn’t go to school for two weeks; I couldn’t even get out of bed for a week. When I did come back, Charlie and I went to all of my teachers before school to make sure they knew that I didn’t want them to make a big deal out of it.” I turned and looked at Charlie. “Do you remember what I said?”
“I’m pretty sure it was something close to ‘I’m here, and I would appreciate it if we didn’t address the elephant in the room. My parents died, but I’m here now.’ But I could be wrong.”
“No, that sounds right. Anyway, my teachers did their best, but my classmates never talked to me. If they wanted to say something to me, they would ask Charlie. My teachers would do their best, but it was pretty obvious that they were almost trying too hard to avoid talking about my parents.
“My band director was the only one that really listened to what I wanted. I had always stayed in the band room after school to practice, but I ended up staying until 6:30 or 7:00 every day after it happened. I felt bad at first, because my band director couldn’t leave until I did, but he made sure I knew that it was okay.
“I did that every day for the rest of the year. Then, he got an offer he couldn’t refuse at a different school. I was the first person he told. Hell, I was there when he found out. He felt bad, but it was towards the end of the year, so I had gotten better at coping. He gave me his number, and we still talk every once in a while.”
“God, Alex. I’m so sorry you went through that. I can’t imagine.” Charlie and I looked at each other, and I smiled.
“It was insanely difficult, but I wasn’t alone. I had Charlie, Michael and Alice, and I had Darren. And my band director.”
“You know? I somehow knew you had been through a lot when I met you; I had no idea it was that much.” The three of us talked for the rest of the afternoon, until Alice told us that dinner was ready.
Over the next couple years, that was our routine; on Sundays, we would eat lunch, then call Clint at 1:00 and talk for the rest of the afternoon. During the week, we would make note of what we wanted to talk about. One of the only two times we strayed from that routine was on a Thursday in October a year later.
“What happened?” Clint began as soon as he picked up. “You never call on Thursday, and you always FaceTime me.” I sighed as I sat down on my bed.
“You remember me telling you about Clara and Darren?”
“Yes? Did something happen?”
“Um, I just got a phone call from the fire department. I guess there was a gas leak or something in their house, and they didn’t smell it somehow and-”
“Oh, God. Are you okay? Is there anything I can do for you?”
“I honestly don’t know the answer to either of those questions right now. Alice and Michael are both at work, and Charlie’s at a meeting right now, so I’m home alone. I just- I need someone to talk to.”
“Okay. Do you need me to talk more, or do you need me to listen?”
“Listen, I guess? I don’t know.”
“Okay. I’m all ears.”
“I- I feel like I should be more upset about it. I mean, they’re family, and I feel much more okay with losing them than I feel like I should. Losing Darren hurts a lot more than losing Clara. But, at the same time, I know how miserable he was with her. I just- I don’t know how I should feel, because there’s a part of me that’s sad and angry that they’re gone, but there’s another part of me that’s relieved that Darren isn’t miserable anymore but also relieved that Clara can’t force me to visit anymore.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that, Alex. Maybe you’re upset about Darren and not Clara, which is completely understandable; she never has been the most welcoming person. I know I can’t be there for you in person, and I am so sorry for that. But, I am here for you as long as you need me to be. I will sit on the phone with you for as long as you need, even if we sit in silence.”
“I just- I had no reaction to the phone call from the fire department. I just went numb. And I know that that's fair and valid, but I feel bad. And I’ve never felt grief like this before. I’ve lost family friends before, and I’ve told you about when I lost my parents. But this time, I feel- I feel nothing. I don’t feel overwhelming anger, I don’t feel overwhelming sadness, I don’t feel overwhelming relief. It’s like I have no emotional ties to the situation, so I just feel- nothing and everything at once.” I heard the front door open, and Charlie walked into the room. He sat down on the bed in front of me, a look of confusion and concern on his face.
“Is everything okay?” he whispered. I shrugged, then told Clint I had to go because Charlie came back.
“Are you gonna be okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. I mean, Charlie’s here now, so I’m not alone.”
“Alright. Call me back if you need anything.” I thanked him and hung up, then looked at Charlie.
“So, who was that on the phone?” he asked.
“Clint. I- uh, I knew you were in a meeting, and your parents are on their way home from work, so I didn’t want to call any of you.”
“Why? What happened?”
“Well, I might have to take a trip to Colorado this weekend.” And I told him what happened. When I finished, Alice and Michael had come home, and the three of them tried to comfort me. “Guys, I’m fine. I don’t know why I’m not more upset about it, but I’m okay.”
That weekend, the four of us flew out to Colorado to see what could be salvaged from the house. That Sunday was the only weekly FaceTime we ever missed.