theory
Carla Connor was a lass with a lot of skills. No doubt about it, she was a successful woman too. She'd done a lot in her life and been through even more to get where she was now. She'd made plenty of daft mistakes along the way. She never got why folk forgave her so easily and still let her be such a big deal in the community. She never forgot. And she never forgave. She could walk away from something with her head up, pretending she didn't care - but deep down, she was dead fragile and sensitive. She couldn't forgive herself for a lot of things, feeling like she had to make up for them till the end of her days.
One lazy day, Carla decided to take a day off from the kids. She didn't do it often, but sometimes even she needed a break from all the office gossip. That day, she came across a psychological theory online about the three loves in life, and it proper fascinated her. She clicked the link and started digging into the topic more than she'd planned. The theory said that in life, we go through three big loves, each one playing a key role in our emotional and personal growth. This idea really got her interested. She dived into this not scientifically proven but dead interesting theory and found out what it meant to experience three significant loves. She started reading.
"The first love is usually the first, intense, and all-consuming love, often when you're young." Carla's first thought after reading this: Paul. She kept reading, "it says this love seems perfect..." - and she definitely thought so at the time. "...it doesn't usually last long because it's based on infatuation, not mature understanding, and ends because of maturity differences or small arguments." Well, in her case, it ended with Paul's death, so the exception proves the rule, right? "It teaches us what we expect from relationships" - she expected her future partner to be faithful, that's for sure. After this bit, she got even more into the topic, because she'd spent most of her life on men, important ones and not so important ones. She loved being attractive, catching their eye. It made her feel powerful.
That's why, since her early teens, she'd had feelings for the lad next door. Paul Connor. She fell for him, and he made her feel how she'd always dreamed, which is why she never forgave herself for his death. She blamed herself for pushing him to the point where he got in the car and never came back. This was DEFINITELY her first love. They were together most of her teenage years and early adult life. Together for most of his whole life. At first, she couldn't imagine life without him. She didn't know what to do when the only person she was sure of was gone. The first person like that.
Of course, she had Michelle, but she wasn't THAT kind of person. It sounded wrong, but she loved her more than she thought possible. Chelle would probably still be her "little sister" even if she'd never married Paul. She lost him too fast and too harshly - and worst of all, she lost him while they were arguing. The truth is, the man she'd put on a pedestal her whole life had been cheating for the last few years, but she was ready to forgive him. She just didn't want to break down in front of him straight away. She wanted to show anger, argue, make him work for it, and that was the painful part. She regretted not being able to look back on their last proper chat with fondness, not being able to say goodbye. And that for the rest of her life, she'd be making up for telling him she wanted a divorce as the last thing. SHE DIDN'T WANT THAT. She knew she wouldn't let him walk all over their 10+ years together and 8 years of marriage. But that's who she was. She HAD to make it hard for him. She regretted it. She was afraid it might be the daftest and most painful thing she'd carry in her heart forever. Paul. His smile. His dedication. His love. His affairs. His betrayal.
These memories and thoughts in her head started getting too painful, too nagging, and way too real. She put the kettle on and made a brew, focusing back on the article that had brought up Paul.
Second paragraph. “The Second Love.” She wondered if this second love was one she'd already had or the one she had now. The article said there was a third one still. Carla's gut told her the third was the last, so a bit stressed about what she might find out, she started reading. “Often called 'intense love'...” what she had now was DEFINITELY intense, but she didn't want to think there'd be something after this. “...it's more complicated, can be emotionally draining, full of ups and downs.” After that sentence, she knew it was in the past. She sighed with relief. At 50, she didn't want or have the energy for a rocky relationship. She hoped the last stage would describe what she had now.
For a split second, she wondered which of her exes fit this second phase. Her relationships were always turbulent. Liam, Tony, Trevor, Frank, Nick, Petey... names swirled in her head. All those flings in between, which she wouldn't call love, but now came to mind: Luke, Robert, Daniel, Ali... oh, that was her worst idea, Adam - Barlow Bingo, eh? she thought. She focused back on the article: “It helps us find our weaknesses, desires, and leads to personal growth, often through tough times and broken hearts...” Now she suspected who her second love was. “...after this love, we learn to accept ourselves and others, preparing us for the next stage.” Yes. Peter. It was about him. Though she suspected it from the start when she read about the “three phases,” she wanted to read on to be sure, knowing assumptions often led her on the wrong paths. “...it's a stage that teaches us who we really are.” Oh, the irony that she had to go back to that river twice to figure out her sexuality.
She saw the third paragraph: “The Third Love” - the road had been long and winding, but she felt she was there and couldn't be happier. “Also called 'true/ultimate', it's unconditional, lasting love, based on mutual acceptance and deep commitment.” Definitely the unconditional part. With full commitment - which surprised her a bit - she read on: “it includes not just passion and intimacy, but deep commitment that helps survive life's challenges...” - challenges aplenty. The first was convincing the love of her life of her sincere intentions. That she wanted to be her support, but that's typical Carla Connor. Random stuff always happened to her, getting in the way. “...brings peace and stability” - totally agree. “Leads to serious decisions, like living together or starting a family” - her and their little patchwork family. A serious, quick, easy decision. She was touched thinking about her small, united family. “This stage teaches us what true, lasting love is” - so this is how it'll always be? Wonderful, though it could be calmer with everything happening to her loved ones. After the last sentence, her mind drifted to her chosen one. Her presence… personality… looks… Eyes… hair… hands… figure.
Her thoughts were cut off by a text
“Hey darling,
lunch together? I've got a mad craving to take you for a romantic kebab near the station LOL.
Get out of the house on your day off, woman!
Meet in 20.
X”
Carla was impressed that Lisa could pop up not just in her mind but in her life whenever she thought of her. She shut her laptop, finished her brew, and went to the bedroom to change for a meet-up with her ultimate love... or so she thought.