my name
“No,” She said breathlessly.
Natasha can’t take her eyes off her. She couldn’t breathe and her limbs felt paralyzed. The only thing that held her together was the feeling of the gun beneath her fingertips.
“Aren’t you happy to see your headmistress, Natalia?” Dreykov grinned.
“What the fuck did you do to me? What the fuck did you do?”
She blinked twice. But the woman still stood stiffly in front of her.
“We didn’t do anything.” The woman in heels replied.
“It can’t be. I killed you. This isn’t real.” Natasha’s voice rang with uncertainty.
Dreykov chuckled.
“I put a bullet in your brain .” Natasha pressed the gun harder against his head.
It took all her strength not to drop the gun and crumble to her knees.
Madame B tilted her head and furrowed her brows, “Are you sure it was my brain? Silly devochka, always mixing up faces.” ( girl )
“No.” Natasha shook her head, “No. This doesn’t make any sense. When I left-- escaped…you tried to stop me. So I shot you. I remember that. You tried to grab me and I shot you.”
“Natalia. Drop your gun.” Her voice hardened.
“I don’t understand.”
Natasha swallowed, she could feel her hand trembling, itching to put the gun down. The need to follow orders never goes away in a soldier.
“You aren’t real.” Natasha whispered.
Madame B walked closer, the sound of her heels echoing. “Drop the gun.”
Natasha bit her cheek. “This is all a trick. ”
"Vol'no.” ( At ease.)
Natasha felt herself lurch back, but she strained to keep her arm straight. The gun was still pressed against his temple. Madame B made a disappointed sigh. Natasha clenched her jaw, heart pumping.
Madame’s B’s lips were a thin line, “You’ve undone your training. I would’ve thought SHIELD was smart enough to keep you the way you were found. Obedient. Trained.”
“I was broken and abused.” Her voice strained.
“You were useful.”
Madame B looked to Dreykov as she spoke, “We’ll have to put her through the program again. Conditioning. The chemicals take away the grace of a widow. And it would be a shame all those years.”
Natasha’s face blanched.
“I’ll retrain her myself.”
“No.” Her words are stronger this time.
“Should we use our favorite toy, Karoshi, the girls called it?”
“Stop it-”
“That’s Japanese. Do you know what that meant, Director? It meant death.”
“I’ll kill him right here right n-”
“You were quite familiar with it weren’t you?” She finished, a sinister tone that shook Natasha.
“SHUT UP!”
Madame B raised her hand to strike her. Natasha flinched violently, a sense of powerlessness filled her.
Madame B’s lips tilted upwards. It made Natasha grit her teeth. She lifted up her head and forced herself to look at Dreykov. She wanted to see the life drain from his eyes, the same way she had to watch the other young girls in training with her. She can still win .
“Too late.” She spit at Dreykov.
Natasha pressed the trigger and-
Her finger froze. It couldn’t fully squeeze. Natasha looked up to a grinning Dreykov. Fuck.
The gun was immediately slapped out of her hand by Madame B.
“What happened Natalia? Kill him.” Madame B’s voice was sickly sweet.
Natasha stared dumbstruck at her hands, the ones that never failed her before. She’s forgotten they’ve never really belonged to her either.
“How are you controlling me?” Her voice was quiet, weak.
“I’m not controlling you. This has been wired into your brain since age twelve.” Dreykov said.
Wired. Like a robot. Like she wasn’t human.
“What?”
“We made precautions. You’re psychologically unable to kill your superiors.”
“That’s impossible. I disengaged every trigger, every word-” Natasha shook her head in disbelief.
Madame B laughed, “Everything? There are things we’ve implanted in you that you will never know about.”
Natasha’s eyes widened. That was the only time she had seen her express joy so vividly.
“Kneel, Natalia.” Madame B ordered.
Natasha felt her legs twitch at the order and grabbed the knife sitting on her waist belt, “That’s not my name.”
“Tsk,” Natasha could tell her frustration was growing, it made her uneasy. “You’ve been away for far too long. Discipline has slipped from you.”
“Is that what you call discipline? Torturing little girls until they would break.” Natasha seethed.
“Talking back never served you well, my little spider.”
At the sound of her nickname, Natasha clenched her jaw and threw the knife straight towards Madame B.
“You’re a fucking monster. I hated you.”
Madame B smiled.
“We both know that’s not true.”
The knife landed on the wall beside her.
“I’ll kill you again. I’ll rip your throat from ur neck and you’re heart from your chest.” Natasha threatened.
“What a harsh threat coming from a softened woman. America has ruined you. Look at you.”
Natasha was shaking as Madame B stepped closer, breath fast and shallow. She raised her hand and Natasha tensed. She felt frozen. Madame B caressed her cheek and Natasha felt herself unwillingly lean into her hand. She couldn’t help it, as she melted into her skeleton-like hand. Then suddenly Natasha lurched forward slightly, nausea suddenly arising.
Madame B’s hand fell down to grip Natasha’s chin. “My little spider. You were my pride. The best of the best. The most ruthless, the most cunning, the most extraordinary assassin Russia had ever seen.”
Natasha looked up into her eyes.
Madame B leaned in so close Natasha could feel her breath.
“And then you became my biggest disappointment .” She spat.
Natasha tore her face away and unconsciously shrank back. She felt so sick (from seeing her face or from hearing she was a disappointment to Madame B, she doesn’t know).
“But you are home now. You are not too far gone. You will pay for your betrayal of the mother country, but under my teachings again, you can become our Black Widow once more.”
She felt her breath shorten.
“You can become my pride again, Natalia.”
Natasha gripped her head. She squeezed her palms into her eyes and backed away.
“ No .”
“Don’t you want to make me proud?”
Natasha wanted to leave, she needed to run. She needed to find Yelena. She needed to let her know it was a trap. A trap that she walked them into.
“I never cared about wanting to make you proud. I just wanted to fucking survive.” She spit out.
“Is that why you were the best? You beat and killed all those other girls to get to the top, because you wanted to ‘survive’? Don’t lie to me, vdova.” ( widow) Madame B stepped closer.
Natasha glared at her. “I did what I had to do. No more no less. Look where it got me.”
“In a showy superpowered ensemble. You ran where no one could get you.”
“I became an Avenger.”
“And marketed as ‘The Black Widow’. Oh Natalia. How do you sleep at night? Imagining those little girls looking up to you as a superhero ? Plastered among gods and heroes is a heartless, merciless thing pretending to be a person. You will never be one of them.”
Her words plunged into Natasha’s heaving chest and unwillingly, tears sprung to her eyes.
Madame B clucked her tongue, tilting her to the side.
“Tears.” Madame B said with a lethal whisper. “You’ve become so weak, Natalia.”
“Don’t call me Natalia.” Natasha murmured.
Madame B raised her eyebrows, her thin lips beginning to form a sneer, and stepped forward.
“Oh? Orders I hear? Do you hear her General? She is giving me orders .” She mocked loudly.
Dreykov barked out a laugh. Natasha could feel him enjoying this.
She looked up to see Madame B staring down back at her, expecting an apology. Natasha gritted her teeth.
Then she spat at her.
Then suddenly she stumbled back, a force knocking her face to the side. Natasha looked back and clutched her cheek. Madame B had slapped her. Frustration was quickly growing within her.
“Insolence, weakness, and defiance. You may have been the best, but knowing your place…you have always struggled with that.”
Natasha curled her first.
“I have no place. Is that you want me to say?”
Madame B sighed. She turned around and walked toward the East Door. Her tight pencil skirt stiff as she walked.
“Your difficultness is not well received. I have given you a chance to redeem yourself, surrender.”
Natasha stilled. They’re planning something. She prayed Melina and Alexie had gotten out somehow.
“I’ll never come back. I’d rather die than go back.” Natasha gritted out.
Madame B stopped near the door. She turned around on her heel, hand in hand. Her face pinched in disappointment.
“I’m not sure what I expected. I’ve watched you for many years on screen. You were glamorous. Fraudulent. I could see why the public loved you. Yet here you are, pathetic and week-kneed. So blinded by rage and revenge that you so easily took the bait. But do you know what really walked you straight into our arms? What clouded your mind? What your weakness was?”
Natasha glowered at her, “What.”
“Love.”
The East Doors opened, a groaning creak as a tall figure loomed behind them. Mechanical footsteps clanked throughout the room as TaskMaster walked towards them, something dragging behind him. Natasha took in the sight before her and all the air in her lungs left.
In his hand, a blond ponytail slathered in dirt and blood. Yelena.
Natasha made a move towards her, forgetting about everything else. She laid unconscious, or even worse dead, with a crushed ear piece hanging from her hair. Taskmaster stopped, raising Yelena in their grip slightly with a gun placed to her temple. Her head lulled lifelessly to the side with her arms tied behind her back.
“No! Please!” Natasha gasped as she immediately stopped, hands out in front of her.
Madame B strolled over to Natasha. “Don’t you get it, Natalia? You will always belong to us. You were never an Avenger, because you could never be more than what we made you to be. A weapon to be used and put away. But if convincing is what will take you to understand, tak tomu i byt'.” ( then, so be it)
Natasha’s breath quickened. She didn’t know what to do. She looked at Yelena’s bruised face.
“Yelena? Yelena, are you okay? Yelena!”
Madame B scoffed. Yelena stirred slightly. Natasha let out a small breath of a relief. The blonde slowly came to as she struggled slightly against the arm now wrapped around her neck. Natasha caught her eyes.
“Natasha? Natasha what’s going on?” Yelena’s voice trembled as she caught Dreykov leaning back in his chair, sipping his drink, and went white.
Natasha moved to step forward, but it only caused TaskMaster to cock his gun. Yelena went still.
“It’s okay. It’s okay Yelena. I’m going to figure us away out of here.” She said calmly.
Madame B laughed, “ Go ahead, Natalia. Tell Belova you’re big plan to save her. I’m interested.”
Natasha brushed her finger against her second gun on her hip. They didn’t even bother to fully disarm her. They didn’t think of her as a threat, because she couldn’t be one. Yelena turned to look at Madame B.
“Who is that, Natasha?” Yelena whispered shakily.
Natasha stilled.
“You don’t know…who she is?”
Yelena just looked at her, confused and frightened.
Madame B sighed, “After you defected , they forced me to retire. All the other Madame's were thrown out. The girls were to be put through a different program. Conditioning proving to be too dangerous. Those who didn't reach the third and final stage of training weren't fortunate enough to receive the teachings you did.”
Madame B walked over to Yelena as Natasha watched wearily. She placed a hand on her cheek, where an ugly bruise laid. Yelena was smart enough not to tear away.
"Don't fucking touch her."
She smiled and rubbed her thumb against her cheek gently. Natasha resisted the urge to run over to the both of them.
"Actually Natalia, since you caught the General's eye, you received the highest training of them all. The most wipes, the most conditioning, the most missions. That's what made you so great. "
A pause. Natasha tore her eyes away from Yelena's and looked to Madame B. She could see the wheels turning her her head.
“She can be great as well. If you let her, Natalia.” A sadistic thin-lipped smiled painted on her face.
Natasha felt a cold chill down her spine.
“What do you mean?” Natasha said, filled with dread.
“Either you come back and we put you through the cycle once more to become my vdova again-” ( widow )
“I am never coming back.” Natasha growled.
Madame B raised her eyebrow. “Or we put Belova through in your place. Conditioning. The way you were trained.”
No. No. No. No.
Natasha felt dizzy. Like she could fall right through the floor. Madame B’s presence felt too large, too overwhelming.
“Oh, you are very good Madame.” Dreykov chuckled.
Madame B turned her head to Dreykov and bowed her head slightly, “Spasibo, General.”
She turned her head back to Natasha, who stood shakily in front of her.
“So? Which is it? You or the girl?”
Natasha looked up. This was a game to her. This was a sick and twisted set of affairs that was fun to both of them. She quickly glanced to Yelena, who had gone so still and so pale that she was starting to look ghost-like. Yelena would never survive. They would break her, more than they already have. Natasha would never let that happen again.
“No.” Natasha whispered, her hand brushing the gun again.
“To which one? Are you are the girl coming?”
The room was silent.
“Will you let her go?” Natasha said low.
“No- NO!” Yelena screamed before TaskMaster kneed her in the back.
Yelena let out a strangled cry. Natasha flinched. She couldn’t look at Yelena. She kept her eyes on Madame B.
“Let her go…” Natasha spoke slow. “And I’ll come with you.”
“Natasha please! Don’t do this. Please!” Yelena cried out, quieter and weaker this time.
Madame B tilted her head and her eyebrows furrowed slightly. Fake sympathy. Then her face smoothed back into a cold expression.
“Beg.”
“What?”
“Vstan' na koleni i umolyay” ( Get on your knees and beg )
Natasha held herself for a moment, trying to block out the sound of Dreykov’s glass clinking in amusement and Yelena’s desperate cries. Then she reluctantly dropped to her knees. Her eye-line coming face to face with Madame B’s skirt.
“Please.” Natasha whispered.
“Nizhe.” ( Lower )
Natasha swallowed. She bent her lower half down so her torso touched her knees and her hands placed in front of Madame B’s heels. Her head hung heavy from her neck. This position felt too familiar, times where she groveled at her feet for forgiveness.
“You sick fucks! Natasha please!” Yelena shrieked.
Natasha can tell Yelena is crying now. She was always too emotional.
“Let her go, Madame B. I beg you. Please.” Natasha said quietly, it could barely be heard over Yelena’s sobs.
She looked up, hoping she was already satisfied with Natasha’s humiliating performance.
Instead Madame B laughed again, making Natasha wince. It was so unnatural for her to laugh.
“You actually believed I would let another Widow escape on my watch? America’s made you more of a fool than I thought.” Madame B said wickedly.
Natasha quickly shot up to her knees. “No, you said-”
Yelena yelled. Instantly, Natasha was on her back, feeling blood dribble down her chin. Madame B had kicked her in the face harshly with her heel. Natasha groaned, wiping some blood off, before starting to stand. She could see Yelena squirming once more in Taskmaster’s arms. She wanted to tell her to stop, so she doesn’t get hurt, but Madame B was already beginning to talk.
“No, both of you will enter the cycle again under my watch. You will be put through intensive training in isolation and I will make sure neither of you see each other ever again.” Madame B spat out.
“You fucking said-” Natasha yelled, now fully up with blood still dripping from her mouth. Lip busted.
“Weapons never have choices, Natalia! That is the lesson to be learned to here. That is your place!” She bellowed. “Take Belova away!”
“Fuck, no, no, no!” Yelena screamed. “NATASHA HELP!”
Natasha felt herself start to hyperventilate. She needed to do something. She needed to do something now and she needed to do it fast. She watched Madame B turn her body back to General Dreykov as TaskMaster dragged a screaming Yelena by her hair to the door.
But Madame B beat her to it.
“Wait.” Madame B commanded, turning her head slightly so Natasha could see her side profile.
TaskMaster stopped before he reached the door. Yelena grabbing and scraping against his metallic armor.
“Just kill her instead. Drop her out the window. Teach Romanova a lesson in love.”
Natasha’s heart stopped. TaskMaster turned slowly and redirected himself to closest window in Dreykov’s office. Yelena’s shriek filled the room. The window suddenly slid open, the air deafening.
“Call it off. Right now!”
Madame B turned around and came an inch away from a gun. Natasha pushed it firmly against her nose.
“Fuck, get these shits out of here.” Dreykov spoke into a mic connected to his desk, assumingly calling for more backup.
“Call it off right now, or I lodge this bullet in your skull.” Natasha spoke, her tone dangerously low.
She can't lose Yelena. Not again. Never again.
“NATASHA!” Yelena yelled.
Madame B smiled.
“You can’t do it. You’re programmed not to do it.”
“HELP! NATASH- NO!”
Her finger trembled against the trigger. Natasha strained, her jaw clenched and her breathing becoming more rapid. She let out an animalistic scream, the gun shaking even more.
“You’re my weapon, malen'kiy pauk. Weapons can’t choose when to fire. ” ( little spider)
Yelena gave a blood-curdling scream. Natasha flinched. She felt her finger squeeze the trigger slightly. Then she let out an exhale and looked Madame B dead in the eyes.
“I was never your weapon.” Natasha snarled between gritted, bloody teeth.
“Just give up and accept your fate, Natalia.”
“My fucking name is Natasha. ”
Natasha breathed in and squeezed the trigger.