Chapter 16
“Mmm, dah-dee…”
Peter was over it. He was wet, he was cold. His tummy felt grumbly after too many sweets and hot cocoa and he was so, so, sooo tired.
“I know baby, I’m almost done,” Tony was doing the best to keep up a stream of soothing words as he got the new diaper taped up, “you’re being such a good boy…just a little more – there!” The bottom of the onesie was finally snapped back into place and Tony could finally shimmy up the overalls.
“’Eh-go h’me…,” Peter said with a sleepy slurring of his words, “go h’me…”
“Yes, we’re heading back to the cabin. Upsie daisy,” Tony hefted the boy up into a seated position, “and we’ll get you down for a nap; doesn’t that sound nice?” His words were breathless. He was definitely on his last iota of caregiver gas…and there was still the dreaded undressing and re-dressing in pajamas when they got back to the cabin.
“Ban-kit?”
“Car seat and then blanket. C’mon, little duck…”
Peter lay in a sleepy lump as Tony worked the harness of the car seat around him.
“Little help?” Tony joked with a huff as he attempted to get Peter’s limp right arm to angle its way into the restraint.
Peter just continued to watch, pacifier bobbing in his mouth.
Tony was ready for a nap himself once he got Peter’s blanket snuggly tucked around his legs.
“Okay, we good?”
A smile peeked out from Peter’s pacifier as he cooed a sweet, “Stee-ben?”
“You like Stephen, don’t you?”
“Yeah…Stee-ben lub.”
“Love?” Tony asked with slow surprise, “You…love Stephen?”
“Yeah…lub Stee-ben…’n dah-dee…”
“I love you too,” Tony placed a kiss on the Little’s forehead before closing the door.
A cheery, “Ready to head back?” drew Tony’s attention.
“Yeah,” Tony sighed at the sight of Stephen approaching, hands in his pockets and a forced smile on his face. “I know Peter is, anyway. Got everything squared away with the tree?”
“They’re going to have it delivered this afternoon; if that’s okay.”
“Sooner the better.”
“Cool,” Stephen shuffled a bit from side to side, “want me to drive?”
“Oh, yeah,” Tony handed him the keys, “I mean, if you’re cool with it.”
“I don’t mind.”
It still felt…off. Their conversation had eased some of the tension, but some unresolved issue lingered between them. One that Tony could not put his finger on. Maybe it was numerous things; a series of missteps that had been building over the last few months; a little trail of breadcrumbs Tony had been wholly unaware of, now leading to the collapse of their relationship.
Or one big, horrible thing…like Peter asking Santa to give him Stephen as a Christmas present.
The situation became more confusing when Stephen decided to take the “long way” back to the cabin.
“Peter’s got a new diaper on, tree won’t be there for a few hours. There’s no real need to rush back,” Stephen smiled at him.
“I guess.”
“I thought it would be nice to just enjoy the scenery. Honestly, when was the last time you got to drive through a pristine, snow-covered forest?”
Tony stared at him.
Stephen tried not to look unnerved but as the silence went on, he finally had to ask, “What?”
“Are you fucking breaking up with me?”
“Why would I-? No! Why would you think that? That’s crazy; I’m not breaking up with you!” The words spilled from Stephen’s mouth in a panic.
“So, you’re gonna murder me?”
“Murder?” Stephen barked a laughed, “Shit, Tony…no, I’m not going to murder you. Especially not with Peter in the car.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that. As does my son.”
Another long silence filled the space. Well, semi-silence, as Peter snorted and snuffled in his sleep.
“The guy at the tree corral told me about a, uh,” Stephen made a hard swallow, “there’s a skating pond up here; about another mile or so.”
“Oh,” Tony was genuinely unsure as to what to say to that. “Do you…like ice skating?”
“Not really, but…” Stephen shrugged, “um…”
“We can check it out,” Tony said, “if that’s what you want.”
The pond was nestled in a clearing of trees. The snow sparkled like star dust in the afternoon sun. Children and adults in their festive holiday sweaters were darting around the informal rink.
“It looks like a Christmas card,” Tony whispered in awe, “I mean, I’m sure as hell not going out there. And I don’t think I’m going to be putting little sharpened blades on my child’s feet either.” He looked over his shoulder at Peter, who was still deep in sleep.
“That’s fine,” Stephen’s voice was quiet; tiny, “it’s not really the reason I brought you out here.”
Tony waited for more; waited to learn what reason his normally sardonic boyfriend was now so grim. His blue eyes soft with sadness as he watched the happy families skate across the pond.
“Stephen,” Tony reached over and put his hand over Stephen’s, “what’s going on?”
Stephen took in a deep breath and began, “I think you know, without me even saying it, that this has been the longest relationship of my life. Which means I’ve never really had to sort of, um…,” he closed his eyes, “fuck…” He held for a moment to compose himself. “I’ve never had to share things about myself…about my life…that’s why this is so hard.”
“I don’t want you to feel like you have to tell me something you don’t want to,” said Tony.
“But I need to,” Stephen’s eyes became glassy with tears, his nose turning a cherry red, “because there’s something about me…something I haven’t been honest about.”
“Okay…”
Tony waited patiently as Stephen let a few of the tears quietly escape.
“When I was telling you earlier about growing up in Pennsylvania, I sort of omitted the fact that I…had a sister.”
“Okay,” Tony said again, and waited. When Stephen only responded with a few small sniffles, he asked, “What’s her name?”
“Her name was Donna; she was three years younger than me. And she was everything I wasn’t; kind, patient, loving. She wanted to be a pediatric nurse.” Stephen’s lips twitched with a smile at the bittersweet memory. “December of eighty-five, we had just been let out for winter break and Donna, she,” he shook his head and laughed, “could not wait to make the most of it. All the way home she talked about sledding and baking cookies…when we got there, she begged mom to go skating on in the pond in the back of the house.”
Another quiet moment came and went.
“It was twilight…too dark for us to be out there but…,” Stephen shrugged, “my mom said it was fine - as long as Stephen comes with you.”
Tony followed Stephen blank stare out to the pond. Laughter echoed through the open air.
“She didn’t see where ice was thin,” Stephen finally said in a hoarse voice. “And…once she went under…I couldn’t…I couldn’t…”
Tony’s eyes snapped back to him.
“Stephen…”
“Everyone told me not to blame myself, but how could I not? I was sent out there specifically,” Stephen slammed a fist on the steering wheel, “specifically to keep her safe. And I let her…,” a sob broke his voice.
“Stephen,” Tony did not know what else to say; what could he say? “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry…I’m so, so sorry…” He brought Stephen’s trembling hand to his lips and kissed it.
“I can’t remember the last time I talked about her,” Stephen said once he calmed, “But,” he looked to Tony, “you’ve let me into so much of your life and your world…I wanted to do the same.”
“I’m…I’m really sorry,” Tony said again, “I don’t know what to say.”
Stephen chuckled.
“Well; that’s a first.”
Once Tony realized that Stephen’s comment was slight at him, he released a small huff of indignation.
“I mean, you know, this very well could be my longest relationship too,” he then said. “I’ve never had someone I care about share something so…” Words failed. Tony’s mind tried to pluck one from his mandatory college literature courses: distressing, agonizing, traumatizing. But nothing felt heavy enough to fully reflect the pain he saw in Stephen’s beautiful blue eyes.
“It’s alright,” Stephen said, “all I want you to know is that I’m ready to have you love every part of me. Even the parts that hurt; even the things I regret.”
Tony kissed Stephen’s hand again.
“I love you for all those things and more.”
“I love you, too.”
Peter made an unpleasant whine and both men turned sharply to see if their conversation had woken him. The Little readjusted his position in the car seat before drifting off once more.
“We should probably get back,” Tony said, “hundred bucks he just wet himself again.”
“I’m not taking that bet.”
Peter woke up on the changing table and immediately began to whimper.
“Shhhh,” his daddy hushed, “shhh, my little duck…I know, I can’t believe you’re wet again.”
Uncoordinated hands reached up to rub his eyes. The day had already been so long; why couldn’t he just sleep?
“Almost done, then we can put on some warm jammies and-”
“I got the bottle,” Stephen’s voice declared.
“Can you also grab a pair of footed pajamas from the closet?”
“Not a problem.”
Softness enveloped him, all the way down to his toes. Peter sighed in relief.
“There we go, snug as a bug! And look, Stee-ben has your bah-bah.”
“Bah…bah…,” Peter blinked his eyes open into the weak afternoon light. He felt his body be lifted and carried.
“Yeah,” Daddy cooed at him, “let me just…,” Peter was now slowly rocking back and forth. “Finally…”
A nipple was placed on his lips and Peter wasted no time latching on.
“He is going to be out in no time,” he heard Stephen chuckle.
“I’m sure!”
Peter’s mind briefly considered that his daddy was tired. But that’s what Stephen was for! Stephen took good care of his daddy; he made daddy happy. Peter loved Stephen. Hopefully…hopefully, he would be with them forever…
“Tee!” Peter was bouncing around the living room; chirping and screeching in delight. Every now and again, he would look to Tony, his lips starting to form words, but found his limited vocabulary was no match for the excitement he felt for the arrival of the tree.
“Tee!” Just ‘tee’.
“Yes, baby, it’s a tree,” Tony said as he opened the first box of decorations.
“Stee-ben!” Peter cried at the top of his lungs.
“Inside voice, please,” Stephen called back from the kitchen.
“Hey little duck, want to help me get the cabin ready for Christmas?” Tony asked.
“Yeah,” Peter immediately dropped down to Tony’s side.
“Look at all the neat stuff! See all the pretty things?”
“Yeah! ‘Es p’etty!” Peter’s large eyes moved over all the items. There were numerous sleeves of shatter proof bulbs, string lights, a little wooden train set…
“Dah-dee, ‘es stock’in’!”
“It is a stocking; there’s three actually.”
“Stock’in’,” Peter whispered as he shoved his hand inside the floppy sock. His fingers dug all the way to the bottom of the toe, but when he pulled his hand back out, Peter found it empty. “No p’zzie?”
“Well, first of all,” Tony took the stocking back and held it up for Peter to observe, “see what it says? It says Tony, T-O-N-Y. Which is me; this is my stocking. Second, it’s not Christmas yet.”
Peter was smart enough to understand what his father was saying. He had heard his daddy be called Tony, and he knew that presents only came on Christmas…
The problem was, he did not like that answer.
So, Peter decided to seek a second opinion.
“Stee-ben!” Peter awkwardly pushed himself up in his hands and feet, “Stee-ben, no p’zzie…” His toddle over to the kitchen though was quickly intercepted. Festive holiday apron and all, Stephen leapt in front of the boy and caught him around the waist.
“No-o-o-o-o, Peter,” Stephen told him as gently as he could, “you can’t be in the kitchen right now; see?” He then pointed to the pot of boiling water on the stove.
“Ouchie?” Peter asked before pouting his bottom lip.
“It can be, yeah. So,” Stephen guided him back to the living room, “how about we stay out here with daddy, okay?”
Peter attempted one last, urgent, “P’zzies…”
“It’s not Christmas yet.”
“I’ve already tried using basic logic with him,” Tony called from the living room, “it doesn’t work.”
“Peter,” Stephen sighed, “we can’t have presents if there’s no decorated tree for Santa to put them under.”
“Tee…,” Peter made a thoughtful coo as he looked over the bare tree, “tee annah’es p’etty?”
“Yeah, we gotta make the tree pretty first,” said Tony.
“Oh-kay!”
It was clear that Peter was very sincere in his desire to decorate the tree.
“Uh-oh!”
The problem was his lack of coordination…and focus.
“I don’t know who invented shatter-proof bulbs, but they had to have a Little!”
“I do!” Peter toddled over to the umpteenth bulb he had dropped and brought it back over to Tony. “Sowwy Dad-dee…”
“It’s okay, little duck. I know you’re doing your best.”
By the time Stephen had set dinner on the table, the father and son duo had only managed to get a quarter of the tree decorated.
“Looks good so far,” Stephen said after seeing the look of defeat on his boyfriend’s face. Peter seemed quite pleased, chirping praise for the tree while kicking his legs in his highchair.
“’Es good-dah an-nee San-tah ‘en p’zzies!”
“Yes, I’m sure Santa will leave you lots of great presents,” said Stephen. “Now, be sure to eat all your veggies. Doctor Stephen’s orders!”
“Doh-tah Stee-ben!”
The adults enjoyed a shrimp scampi with angel hair pasta and a white wine sauce, topped with heirloom tomato slices and fresh herbs. Peter got plain noodles with steamed broccoli. Every plate with nearly-licked clean by the end of the meal; mountains of praise and thanks were heaped upon Stephen.
“There’s still enough of the wine left for a glass each,” Stephen said after Tony got his boy’s hands wiped clean.
“That sounds perfect.”
Peter seemed satisfied with the progress made on the tree and was now more focused on playing with his various toys while ‘The Polar Express’ played mostly unwatched on the television.
Tony watched him with a sort of empty-headed ease. No real thoughts racing through his brilliant mind; just content watching his boy play and listening to the sounds of Stephen tidying up the kitchen. Snow flurries could be seen wafting across the tall windows of the cabin. Amber lights from the small city below began to pop on one-by-one as nightfall settled down.
“Here you are.”
Tony made a small ‘Oh’ as a wine glass was handed to him.
“You alright?” Stephen asked. Tony looked up at the man’s smiling face.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Tony smiled back, “just thinking that next year, a three-foot-tall tree will be more than sufficient.”
“Agreed.”
“Bah?” Peter asked, arms already up with grabby fingers.
“Yes, I have a bottle for you,” Stephen went and handed the boy the bottle he had tucked under his arm. Peter offered a hurried thanks before bringing the nipple to his mouth.
Now that all parties were satisfied, Stephen could sink down onto the couch beside his boyfriend.
“We should toast to something,” Tony said just as Stephen was about to take a sip from his glass.
“We should; what do you have in mind?”
Tony swirled the wine in his glass. Outside, the wind whistled through the trees. Inside, he could hear his baby snuffling around his bottle while the sweeping score of the movie hit its peak.
“I guess…to just…this,” he looked to Stephen’s confused face, “a toast to the small things. Good meals, people we care about, warm cabins…”
Stephen slowly leaned in and placed a small kiss on Tony’s lips.
“A toast to the small things, the things that make life worth living.”
Tony nodded.
Their wine glasses clinked.
Just as each man took their first sip, Peter pulled his bottle back and let out a needy cry.
“And a toast to my sweet chef of a boyfriend who is also so, so good and changing Peter’s diapers!” Tony said with a bright laugh. Stephen made a mock sigh of annoyance before getting back to his feet.
“Come on, little man,” he helped Peter to his feet.
“Stee-ben…”
“I know, I know; let’s get you changed. Actually,” Stephen looked to Tony, “think I should go ahead and just give him a bath.”
“You are really spoiling me tonight,” Tony laughed.
“Consider it an early Christmas present,” Stephen shot him a wink before leading Peter back up to the nursery.