Chapter 4
Yelena wasn’t sure what to expect when she went to a gay bar for the first time. She’d never been made to go to one while in the Red Room so the prospect of being surrounded by those who liked the same sex was intimidating.
But Emily smiled at her when they met up, lacing their fingers together as she grabbed her hand.
It was almost like a few bars she had been to undercover. There were a few more lights than her usual drinking spot and tucked in the corner was a little stage with someone currently plucking away at a guitar and singing. The bar wasn’t too crowded much to Yelena’s relief but she still stuck close to Emily and let the woman tug her toward the counter.
“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” the bartender commented with a grin. “We rarely see new faces around her. Welcome.”
Emily ordered a strawberry daiquiri, having not once touched a martini since Yelena took her last one after she was nearly roofied. Yelena preferred to order a beer, needing not to get too tipsy in a new place with unknown variables, especially with Emily at her side.
Yelena laid on the charm thick, determined to at least get the bartender on her side so that she had backup should something go wrong. The bartender was soon laughing as Yelena shared witty quips and selected jokes from her very small collection.
“What did you say your name was?” The bartender let out a deep laugh, wiping a tear from their eye.
“Ellen Lambert,” Yelena winked at them, feeling the way that Emily’s fingers curled around her bicep.
It doesn’t take long after that before she and Emily part ways to explore different parts of the small club. Yelena preferred to stay closer to the wall where she could observe the whole room and found herself near the little stage where a guitarist was plucking away at a well-loved guitar.
It wasn’t long before a girl a little taller than Yelena slid up to her side. “Hey, cutie.”
Yelena peered up at her, immediately clocking any part of her that could be a threat before throwing back her own greeting.
“Here with your girlfriend?” The girl inquired, leaning against the wall with Yelena.
Yelena opened her mouth to refute the statement and retort that she wasn’t gay when she paused. With the way that Ellen Lambert took home girls, she probably was gay. Not to mention she was in a gay bar, even if that was more because she was there for Emily. So to keep both herself and Emily safe, Yelena smiled and nodded.
“Sweet,” the girl grinned. To Yelena’s surprise, she continued to make easy conversation.
Soon Yelena was watching the stage with another beer in her hand, listening to the sound of music. The guitarist was playing some tune she was familiar with but couldn’t recall the name of. Yelena stood near the state and drank her beer, aware of the way that Emily was by the bar chatting it up with a man whose arm was around another man.
“Hey,” a voice caught Yelena’s attention and her head snapped to peer at the guitarist, who had finished their set and was starting to pack their guitar up. Yelena had been so engrossed in watching Emily that she hadn’t realized that they stopped.
“Hey,” Yelena echoed before giving a small nod. “Your set was pretty good.”
They gave her a shy smile. “Thanks. It’s only my second time playing here.”
“What was that last song called?” Yelena asked, watching as they shrugged on their jean jacket speckled with patches and pins.
“Ah, that was I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry,” they explained, running a hand through their brown hair, the short curls on top dyed a bright blue that reminded Yelena all too much of her sister. “Well, it’s my rendition of it anyway, it’s a popular song here.” They then stuck their hand out with a much bolder grin. “Name’s Andie.”
“Ellen,” Yelena took the hand, doing a quick scan for weapons on their person. “Can I buy you a drink for your work?”
“That sounds nice,” Andie nodded their head and followed Yelena to the bar. Their choice of drink was a cheap beer that Yelena knew the flavor of intimately, both going in and coming out. “So, what brings you here?”
Yelena stuck with the lie she already told another person. “Here with my girlfriend.”
“Oh, nice!” Andie grinned at her. “We don’t get enough people here.”
The longer that Yelena stared at Andie, the longer she was unsure if Andie was a male or female. She had never really had a hard time telling before but that was usually because her repertoire of people she met were her targets.
Andie was content to make small talk and Yelena kept glancing over at Emily to ensure she was alright. She learned that Andie had been playing the guitar for nearly seven years, starting when they were in middle school.
“Is playing hard?” Yelena rested her chin on the lip of her beer glass to peer at them. She had always been interested in learning to play an instrument and some of the girls in the Red Room got to learn because they needed the knowledge to go undercover, but the most Yelena ever learned was a few scales on the piano to seduce a piano teacher.
“Eh, not really. I mean, it once was. I think I quit and picked it back up more times than I can count,” Andie let out a sheepish laugh. “You ever interested in learning?”
“I was. My parents never let me.” The lie slipped out of Yelena’s mouth with ease.
Andie gave her a grin. “You want a quick lesson?”
Yelena raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “Why not.”
Andie pulled their sticker-covered guitar from their case, resting it in their lap. Yelena watched and listened as Andie strummed a few chords and taught her where to place her fingers before settling it in her lap. Yelena glanced up at them before looking back down and doing her best to mimic. Andie’s hand reached out to adjust her fingers and Yelena half expected her hand to be hit for messing up.
“Wow, you’re a real natural,” Andie commented as Yelena strummed the same three chords that Andie had shown them. “You can actually make a song with that. Here.”
Andie led Yelena through a little tune, tapping a beat out on their knee as they took a sip of their beer with a grin. “Wow. You should think about picking up an instrument, I think that you have a real knack for it.”
“Yeah?” Yelena moved to pass the guitar back over.
“Yup,” Andie did a few more complex strums on the guitar. “You got any song requests?”
Yelena thought for a moment about the repertoire of songs that she knew, most of them classical music from charity balls and ballet, others rap from her times in bars. “Do you know American Pie?”
A grin stretched across Andie’s face. “Of course,” they hum and start to strum a very familiar melody. Yelena’s grip on her glass tightened as she let herself fall into the memories. Andie only played the first few minutes, humming rather quietly so they didn’t disturb too many people, and Yelena bought them another drink.
“Y’know, I teach guitar on the side. Anything for a little extra money. If you’re interested, I’d be down to give you a few lessons,” Andie offered.
Yelena’s first reply was to deny it. There were too many unknown variables and she doesn’t even know Andie. But she’d fallen into bed with girls whose names she didn’t know and Ellen seemed like the kind of girl who would take risks. “Sure.”
Yelena doesn’t have a phone. It was easy to track and she knew how it could be traced. But Andie scrawled their number on a napkin and Yelena tucked it in her pocket like she had a phone to put it into.
“Thanks for the drinks,” Andie chirped before they left, giving Yelena a small wave. The tune of American Pie was stuck in Yelena’s head as she watched them leave, immediately ordering something a bit stronger to take the edge off.
When Emily slid up next to her, she had a shy smile on her face as she raised an eyebrow. “Heard we’re girlfriends now.”
“It’s safer that way,” Yelena shrugged slightly, feeling a little remorseful. “I didn’t mean to get in the way if you wanted to take someone else home.”
“Nah,” Emily leaned against Yelena’s side, snatching her drink to take a sip before wrinkling her nose. “Nobody’s quite like you, Ellen. I don’t mind.”
Warmth pooled in Yelena's gut.
Yelena ended up falling asleep in Emily’s bed again.
Andie lived in a tiny studio apartment. They grin at her when they answer their door, inviting her in for their first guitar lesson.
The first thing Yelena noticed was the large colored flag on the wall next to an art easel. It was the same color as one of the pins on the jacket they wore. “Nice place,” she commented.
“Thanks,” Andie sheepishly rubbed the back of their neck. “So, uh, let’s do this.”
The next hour was filled with Yelena learning a few different chords. There was something simple about being with Andie. It was almost familiar, like being around Emily. Andie gave her bright grins and cracked stupid jokes the entire time.
When the lesson finished, Andie played American Pie for them again. Yelena could almost pretend that she was sitting with her blue-haired sister back in Ohio and everything was okay.
On her fourth lesson, Yelena finally asked.
“This is going to sound really weird, but are you a boy or a girl?” She blurted. Andie looked at her in surprise but rather than get upset, they gave a small awkward laugh.
“Neither,” they said. “I’m nonbinary. I use they/them pronouns.”
Yelena stared at them blankly, trying to think if she had ever heard of such a thing before.
“It, uh, it means that I don’t really identify as a man or a woman,” Andie tried to explain, gesturing to the big flag on the wall. “That’s the flag.”
“Flag?” Yelena echoed. “You have a flag?”
Andie squinted at her slightly, scratching their head. “Uh, okay. Jeez, I wasn’t expecting to explain this today. So, you know how you’re on the LGBTQ spectrum, yeah?”
The string of letters did nothing but further Yelena’s confusion. “The what?”
Andie hesitated. “You’re… a lesbian, are you not? Or bi? Or pan?”
The only word Yelena understood was lesbian. “I do not know of those terms.”
“Aw jeez. Okay.” Andie took a deep breath. Andie then started to explain to her what LGBTQ meant and Yelena hung onto every word.
“So you have the nonbinary flag on your jacket,” Yelena concluded. When Andie nodded, she gestured to the other. “What’s that flag then?”
Andie looked down. “Ah, that’s the asexual flag. I’m a nonbinary asexual.”
“Asexual?” Yelena frowned slightly. “That means…”
“Its general definition is the lack of interest in or desire for sexual activity,” Andie explained.
“So being asexual is not wanting sex?” Yelena clarified.
“Kinda,” Andie chewed on their lower lip. “There are generally three categories but it’s a spectrum. To make it easier, there are usually those who are sex-negative, sex-neutral, and sex-positive.”
“How can you not have any interest in sex but be sex-positive?” Yelena was trying to understand but the whole thing was confusing.
“Sex-positive asexuals usually don’t experience sexual attraction but view sex as a normal, healthy part of life. Some even have sexual relationships. Sometimes they just want the feeling or sometimes they just to have that romantic aspect of a relationship,” Andie leaned forward, resting the guitar on their lap as they spoke. “Sex-neutral asexuals mainly feel indifferent. They don’t really have any strong positive or negative feelings about it. And sex-negative asexuals think that sex is unpalatable, not really believing that it’s wrong, more that it’s… icky.”
“What kind are you?” Yelena asked and Andie let out a soft laugh.
“I’m mainly sex-neutral. I don’t really think about it,” they gave a small shrug. “Do you have any other questions for me?”
Yelena doesn’t want to think more on the topic. “Where can I buy a guitar?”
Yelena stared at the ceiling of Emily’s college dorm room late at night, tucked under the blanket with her, quite drunk. “Emily?”
“Hmm?” Emily let out a sleepy hum, pressing her nose into the crook of Yelena’s neck.
“I think I’m asexual,” Yelena stated.
“Good for you,” she mumbled into Yelena’s collar, snuggling closer.
Yelena liked that a big deal was not made out of it and hoped that she remembered her confession in the morning.
Yelena gave Emily a black eye during a nightmare. The horrendous guilt made her hole up in her own apartment, ignoring any calls on her brand new phone, and drinking herself into oblivion.
“Happy to see you again after you missed our last lesson,” Andie chirped as Yelena stepped inside their apartment. “Glad you’re feeling better.”
Perhaps hangovers didn’t count as an illness but they sure felt like one. Yelena said nothing as she settled down and showed off her brand-new guitar.
“Can I talk to you?”
Yelena glanced over at Emily, trying not to focus on the yellow-brown bruise that was nearly healed. “Yeah.”
Yelena was in Emily’s dorm room, idly strumming at her guitar as Emily worked for a big test coming up. There was something about being at Emily’s rather than her own apartment that Yelena preferred. Perhaps it was just because she wasn’t alone.
Emily moved from her desk to sit on the bed next to Yelena, immediately leaning into her side. Yelena frowned, setting her guitar aside to focus on Emily. She knew the girl well enough to understand that she was conflicted. “Talk to me.”
Emily sighed. “I wanted to ask you about how much you drink.”
The question gripped Yelena and she fought the sudden urge to flee. “What?”
“Your breath always smells like some sort of alcohol and I think you’re tipsy a lot of the time when we meet,” Emily hesitantly explained, rubbing her palms on her jeans. “I just-- remembered when we talked about vices?”
Yelena couldn’t stand looking at Emily with the bruise on her face. “Yeah…”
“Are you an alcoholic, Ellen?” Emily asked, her tone judgment free.
Yelena’s first instinct was to deny it. Ellen Lambert was good and perfect and all the things that Yelena wasn’t. But Ellen was part of her and Yelena wasn’t so sure what part of Ellen was made up and what part was fake anymore. “I… don’t know.” She just didn’t know anymore.
Emily wrapped an arm around her waist. “Thanks for being honest with me, Ellen.”
Yelena’s mouth was dry and her heart thudded in her chest.
She ached for a drink.
The first time Yelena fell into bed with Emily after her declaration that she thought she was asexual, Emily asked her if she was sure she wanted to do it.
“I want to do it,” Yelena assured her. She liked being able to make Emily feel good. She liked having that control. She liked that Emily would let herself fall apart and trusted that Yelena would keep her safe.
The sight of Emily underneath her was different than all the other times Yelena had seduced marks. It was intimate in a way that Yelena never thought she would experience or would like.
Perhaps if the Red Room hadn’t scooped so much of her out, Yelena might even say she thought she loved Emily.
“Can I ask you something?” Yelena asked Andie, her guitar balanced on her lap as Andie tuned theirs. “Not related to guitars.”
“Yeah, sure,” Andie hummed as they adjusted the pegs to one of their strings.
“How do you know if you’re asexual?” Yelena inquired. That had Andie’s head popping up to look at her.
“Oh,” Andie looked surprised. “I… wasn’t expecting that question. I guess it really depends.”
Yelena pressed her lips together, running her fingers along the strings of her own guitar. “I think… that I might… be… that…”
Andie blinked at her a few times before a gentle smile crossed their face. “Thanks for telling me, Ellen. I’ll try to answer any question you have to the best of my ability.”
“Can I be asexual if I like giving it but not receiving it?” Yelena asked, averting her eyes to stare at the flag in the corner. “Like, I like giving it to someone, but the thought of receiving it makes my skin crawl and I feel gross.”
“Asexuality is a spectrum,” Andie said, pausing their tuning of the guitar to turn their focus to Yelena. “There’s really no ‘right’ way to be asexual. Some asexual people don’t mind giving but don’t like receiving. Some like receiving. Some think sex is gross and want nothing to do with it. As I told you before, sex-positive asexuals will sometimes do it to have that close connection. I can’t tell you if you’re asexual or not, but if you think that the label fits then I’m happy for you.”
“What if I do it wrong?” Yelena asked.
“There’s not a wrong way to be asexual just like there’s not a wrong way to be sexual. I can’t tell you how to be, only you can do that,” Andie gave her a small smile. “Make sense?”
“I guess,” Yelena shrugged, content to leave the subject to drop.
“You’re so pretty,” Emily traced a finger down Yelena’s cheek as she snuggled close after another night of sex, the smell of strawberry daiquiri lingering on their breath.
“Don’t call me that,” Yelena turned her head away, trying not to think of all the pet names she had been called over the years by drunken men and women that she had seduced.
“But you are,” Emily protested, propping herself up on an elbow to peer down at Yelena, gently cupping her face to guide her head back over. “What if I called you handsome instead?”
Yelena blinked up at her in confusion. “You can’t call me handsome.”
“Why not?” Emily asked, looking down at them with that dopey smile Yelena liked. Yelena doesn’t have a good reason beyond ‘that’s what you call boys’. With Yelena’s silence, Emily grinned, leaning down until her face was inches from Yelena’s. “I think you’re very handsome, Ellen.”
The name doesn’t make Yelena want to crawl out of her skin.
“Here,” Andie gave Yelena a little white box on the anniversary of her fourth month learning guitar. “I got you something.”
Yelena raised an eyebrow but opened the box to reveal an asexual pride flag pin much like the one Andie donned on their jacket.
“Never be afraid to be yourself, yeah?” Andie grinned at her nervously.
Yelena couldn’t think of the last time she had been gifted something like that. She pinned it to the lapel of her jacket and Andie’s grin grew more bold.
“Will you teach me how to play I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry?” Yelena asked.
Andie laughed and did.
“I’m worried about you,” Emily admitted one night as Yelena lay with her head in Emily’s lap, a little drunker than she meant to be.
“Don’t be,” Yelena mumbled, closing her eyes as Emily’s fingers combed through her hair. “I can take care of myself.”
“I don’t doubt that,” Emily hummed, her nails gently scratching at Yelena’s scalp. “I mean your drinking.”
Some part of Yelena’s mind was telling her that they were wading into dangerous conversation territory. The rest of her brain was a fuzzy mess that let her just go with the flow. “Yeah?”
“You’re addicted to alcohol, Ellen,” Emily stated. “I want to help you.”
“There’s no helping me,” Yelena pressed her face into Emily’s stomach, comforted by the scent of rose water and peppermint.
“Nobody is beyond help,” Emily told her firmly, never wavering from her gentle voice as she massaged Yelena’s pounding head. “I want to help you, Ellen. Will you let me help you?”
Yelena fell into the luring touch of gentle fingers and soft voices. “Yeah.”