Chapter 3
Natasha just finished crying in her room for what seems like the thousandth time today and she's coming down the stairs when there are three knocks on the door. Her girls look up at her with guilty eyes.
She sighs as she pieces things together. "Who'd you call?"
Tallulah is the first to speak. "We called Yelena."
"And then Tallulah called your friends Bobbi and Maria." Holland adds on, ignoring the glare her sister sends her way.
Natasha halts. "How did you even-? I haven't talked to Maria in a while and Bobbi for even longer."
Tallulah mumbles a few words Natasha can't decipher and she runs a hand through her messy hair. "Why'd you call them?"
"Well, you were sad and we didn't know how to help." Inessa answers.
"And because you lied." Nicola says. "And you keep lying."
Natasha knits her eyebrows together in confusion. "About what?"
Nicola throws her hands up in the air in frustration. "You being fine! You're very obviously not fine and you said you'd never lie yet here we are."
"Nicola, I-" Natasha starts.
"You know what? It's whatever, honestly. Your people are here now and hopefully you won't lie to them, too." Nicola retorts, storming upstairs.
Natasha sighs and shakes off the guilt creeping its way back into her body with promises that they'll talk about this later as her girls retreat upstairs. Tallulah sticks by her side and Natasha doesn't make any moves to send her away as she opens the door.
Yelena immediately lets herself in and does a once over of Natasha before wrapping her arms around her older sister, Natasha melting into her embrace.
"If I knew you were this upset I'd have come sooner." Yelena teases, gesturing to her current state.
Natasha scoffs, facing Tallulah. "Do I really look that bad?"
Tallulah shrugs, a small smirk on her face. "I don't think you want me to answer that question."
Yelena turns to face Tallulah too, pulling her into a hug. Tallulah jolts in surprise before returning the affection, leaning into the touch.
Yelena smiles up at Natasha. "What is she, my sixth niece now?"
It dawns on Natasha that the only one of her girls who really spent time with Yelena is Inessa, so she silently vows to give them more time to spend together as she heads upstairs to address the problem at hand. Tallulah follows them up the steps, dragging Yelena by their rooms as she goes to introduce her to the sisters Yelena hasn't met. Natasha smiles at her enthusiasm but that same pang of guilt returns when they stop by Nicola and Annika's room first, the oldest still in a bad mood.
God, she really fucked this up. She doesn't doubt that the rest of her girls are feeling similarly and she can't help but rehearse the conversation in her head that they need to have when this whole thing blows over and she's back to normal.
Because she'll get over this. She has to, especially for her girls. And it's not like she can keep putting it off, so this is the only day she'll allow herself to get her shit together and get back to normal as quickly as possible.
Natasha wants to tell Tallulah to go wait with her sisters but knows she'll only be waiting nervously, so she pulls Tallulah into her side and lets Yelena lead the conversation.
They're just about to get into it when there's more knocking at the door. Natasha releases the breath she was holding and feels Tallulah relax beside her, springing up to get the door. Inessa speeds by Natasha door with Aurelia and Holland in tow, all too eager to greet Bobbi and Maria.
With Tallulah gone, Yelena wrinkles her nose, trying to place something. "Tallulah. She looks a lot like-"
"Delilah." Natasha finishes. "I know."
"No fucking way. She's Delilah's daughter?"
"She is." Natasha confirms, a sad smile on her face.
Yelena pauses, the realization hitting her. "Fuck. I'm sorry, Nattie."
She sighs, her breathing shaky. "I know."
Natasha forgot Delilah held the same weight on Yelena's shoulders as it did on hers, the three of them having grown up together for those three years in Ohio. Natasha dreaded losing them, and then she did. Both of them. She wouldn't know what to do if she lost Yelena the same way she lost Delilah.
"Didn't realize how much I'd miss her until Lula came along, y'know?" She sniffles, trying her best to swallow the lump in her throat. "Kinda messed me up this morning when I looked at her and saw Delilah."
"Ah, so you haven't processed your grief yet?" Yelena surmises.
Natasha inhales sharply. She really doesn't want to talk about this. "Where are Bobbi and Maria, anyway?"
She hurriedly gets up and Yelena sighs. "Natasha-"
"Probably my girls keeping them downstairs." Natasha pointedly interrupts, leaving it up to her whether or not to follow.
Yelena groans in exasperation and opts to stay upstairs.
For someone who wants this to be over with, you're putting it off quite a bit. She thinks, shoving down the thought.
Natasha's reaches the bottom of the stairs and sure enough, her girls are excitedly chatting with Bobbi and Maria, who look like they're just trying to keep up. Aurelia and Holland try to hide their excitement when they spot her.
Bobbi lights up and Maria almost looks relieved as they get up from the couch where her girls had trapped them. She almost forgets how much taller they are than her until they bombard her with hugs, telling her how much they missed her.
Then her girls start rambling on about Bobbi and Maria and their countless missions and cool things they've done and Mack's shotgun-ax. Inessa shows a little too much excitement at the idea.
"So we should make one." She says, a mischievious smirk on her face.
Oh, no, this is exactly what she feared. "We are not making weapons. Bobbi, Ria, do I have to worry about you giving weapons to my kids?"
Bobbi and Maria look back at her with sheepish grins. "You know what? I think we should talk now." Maria says, already making her way up the stairs.
Bobbi trails after her, but not before whispering "I'll tell you more about it later" to her girls. Natasha shakes her head and directs them to her room.
Tallulah grabs her arm, holding her back, that same nervous look she had on her face when they found her crying on the bathroom floor. "Can I...come with you?"
Natasha was hesitant to let her listen while they talked about her mother, but figured this would help Tallulah probably as much as it would help her.
She was hoping it would help.
"We're going to be talking about your mother." Natasha warns.
Tallulah stiffens, seeming to rethink her decision a few times before nodding. "That's...okay. I think we need to talk about her."
"Alright, angel. You can leave whenever, just tell me."
Tallulah mumbles an "okay" and they head up the stairs to her room. Bobbi, Maria, and Yelena got pretty comfortable on her bed, Maria on her stomach and Bobbi sitting next to her, Yelena at the head of her bed. They immediately stop talking when they enter, giggling softly.
"Talking about me, huh?" Natasha guesses, nudging Yelena over to make room for her and Tallulah.
"Not at all!" Yelena denies, raising her hands in surrender and seating herself at Natasha's side.
Natasha laughs and Tallulah settles herself between the two of them.
Maria and Bobbi situate themselves, their eyes falling on Tallulah, who squirms under their gaze. All of them are completely unsure of where to start.
"So, how'd you even manage to call Bobbi and Maria?" Natasha asks.
Tallulah smirks. "Story for another time, Mama."
Natasha laughs softly, then sighs. "I'm sorry I lied to you and your sisters."
"I know." Tallulah acknowledges. "You're not fine, like you told us you were."
Bobbi looks at Natasha. "Yeah, I'm sure you guys believed that, too. Look at you, Natasha. You look like shit."
Natasha chuckles, having missed Bobbi's teasing. "Ouch. I haven't seen you in months and the first thing you do is insult me."
Yelena shrugs. "She isn't wrong, Natasha."
Damn, does she really look that bad? She knew her mental state was shit but she didn't know she looked that horrible.
"What happened, anyway? Tallulah called and said you were sad and they didn't know how to fix it." Bobbi asks, laying at the edge of her bed.
Natasha's heart clenches and then more guilt courses through her. She worried them and they called other people for help.
She's ready to make another excuse, about to lie, but she remembers Nicola's words as Yelena rolls her eyes, already knowing why. "Natalia. Six highly skilled assassins called us for help because they didn't know why you were upset and you're going to tell us it is because you were just in a bad mood?"
The use of her Russian name and the knowing way they look at her has Natasha spilling the details of the other night's events to Bobbi and Maria.
The silence when they collectively realize she's down because of Delilah is deafening and she wishes they would say something. Anything to take her out of her thoughts.
Tallulah says something instead. "I thought I got over this a while ago." She sniffles, covering her face in embarrassment at the way her voice cracks.
"Well, you don't just get over the death of someone you love." Maria says, sitting up. Her Deputy Director face is on but Natasha sees the tears in her eyes when she glances over.
"Exactly. Things like this...take time." Yelena adds on, her voice wobbly.
That's exactly what she didn't want to hear, her heart sinking in her chest.
Tallulah seems to feel the same, looking up at Natasha with the sad eyes Natasha hates seeing on any of her girls. "I-I'll never stop missing her? It'll never stop hurting this bad?"
Natasha pulls Tallulah into her lap and runs a hand over her head. She hates that she feels the same.
She was convinced her heart couldn't possibly break more but Tallulah sobbing in her arms for the second time in a week pretty much shatters it.
"I don't like feeling like this." She whimpers, hiding her face in Natasha's neck.
"Me either, angel." She says back.
Bobbi finally speaks up after a while. "I know. It's not what anyone wants to hear but you'll never stop missing her and it'll never stop hurting. It'll just hurt less after a while. But there are the memories you have. She'll always be here even if she's not, y'know, here."
Bobbi pokes her head and Natasha nudges her hand away. "I don't want memories, Bobbi, I want Delilah. I want to see her again. I want her to be here and she's not. I wasn't even there when she died, I wasn't there for Tallulah. Or Holland, for that matter. They suffered and I couldn't do anything about it and it's my f-"
Maria interrupts her. "Key word there: 'couldn't'. You couldn't help them and that's not your fault. Their suffering isn't on you."
"But it is." She insists. "I wasn't there to save her. To save them. Tallulah was waiting for me and it took me ten years to get there."
Tallulah stiffens at the mentions of her and Holland, squeezing her tighter. "That's not your fault, Mama."
Oh, how she wants to believe that.
"You came, didn't you?" Yelena adds on. "You had no way of knowing Delilah would die and you had no way of knowing Tallulah existed. You know who she wanted to take care of Tallulah? You, Nattie."
Delilah might have trusted Natasha with Tallulah but sometimes she feels like she's not doing enough. Like now and the way she's handling things. If you could call it handling anything when things are going down like this.
Yelena continues. "She's safe and sound, just like Delilah wanted her to be and you still beat yourself up about it. You can't keep blaming yourself, especially when the bad things that happened weren't even remotely caused by you. You know who they were caused by?"
They tense up and Tallulah whispers, "Dreykov".
Yelena sniffles. "Right. Dreykov. He did those bad things and he paid for them, didn't he?"
"Yeah." Natasha answers. "We killed him. He paid for it."
She hates the silence that settles in the air. Tallulah pierces it with a sniffle and says. "I told him he'd die for what he did. What he's done."
Yelena appears slightly unsettled at the mention but places a comforting hand on Tallulah's back and continues. "Yes, and he did. So why are you blaming yourself for his wrongdoings, Natasha? You shouldn't be sorry because you have nothing to be sorry for."
There are so many things she has to be sorry for. If she could tell Delilah just how sorry she was then maybe things would be different.
"Yelena's right. You know, Clint, Ria, and I blamed ourselves for a while, too. I'm pretty sure all of our team did." Bobbi admits.
Natasha feels foolish for thinking she was the only one. Knowing her friends, her family, felt the same hurts too but at least she wasn't alone. She wished she knew that sooner.
Maria leans against Bobbi, her eyes downcast as she idly plays with Bobbi's hands."We kept telling ourselves we could have done everything differently, but eventually realized her death wasn't our fault just like it wasn't yours. It'll probably take a while for you to understand too but it's true." Maria adds on.
Bobbi clears her throat to rid her voice of its shakiness. "And you might slip up. Your thoughts might get the best of you sometimes. But remember that you couldn't change it, and that's- that's okay. Just keep moving. It's not moving on, just moving past it. Acknowledging that she's gone and choosing to keep going."
"You can't keep feeling guilty about things that aren't your fault because it weighs you down." Yelena explains.
"What if we forget her?" Tallulah asks, her voice barely above a whisper.
The same thing dwells on Natasha's mind. She doesn't want to forget Delilah as much as the memory pains her. Not again.
"You won't. Not with the way you guys loved her." Maria answers.
Fuck. They really did love Delilah. "I wish I could tell her that. So she would know."
"She knows." Bobbi reassures Natasha.
It's genuine and it finally breaks her into sobs, each one racking through her body, leaving her gasping for air.
Her sobs cease with Tallulah tucked into her side. Crying in front of her daughters is something she promised herself she wouldn't do. Crying in front of anyone is something she refuses to do, and she's been pretty good at that with the exception of a few people. But her girls caught her off guard last night and she never wanted it to happen again. This...was an exception.
Tallulah and Natasha share that same stubbornness, something she's sure they both got from Delilah, always stone faced and stoic in uncomfortable situations.
Natasha tries to avoid pulling a mask over her face like usual, and the way Tallulah's looking at her seems like she wants to do the same.
Although it's a tight fit, Bobbi scoots up to sit at Natasha's other side, and Yelena tells Maria to sit next to her.
"Natasha told me you give good cuddles." Yelena says. She leans into Maria and wraps her arms around her, who rolls her eyes but wraps her arms around Yelena and =smiles softly.
"Watch out, you've got an annoying little sister now." Natasha teases.
Bobbi laughs. "Don't we already have that in you?"
Natasha scoffs, smiling. "I'm not annoying."
"Sure you're not. Tell that to Clint, Laura, May, Coulson, Fury. And I'm sure Yelena has plenty of stories." Maria lists.
"Oh, I do." Yelena confirms. "I'm sure the team has even more, don't they?"
Natasha worried about Bobbi, Maria, and her girls getting up to mischief but it appears she has to worry even more about Bobbi, Maria, and Yelena ganging up on her instead.
"So, what I'm hearing is that I have a big family?" Tallulah asks.
Natasha nods. "A huge one. The team, both the Avengers and the one at S.H.I.E.L.D, Yelena, her girls, and Clint and Laura's kids."
She's interrupted by Holland shoving her door open, Aurelia and Inessa hovering nearby. "Isn't Clint, like, a thousand years old?"
Maria laughs. "Yeah, last time I checked he was born in 1971."
Holland wrinkles her nose and Tallulah giggles. "Were you guys just listening outside her door?"
Holland smirks. "No, I came in to check on you because you've been in here for ten thousand years."
"Wow. Would you have a look at this." Aurelia shakes her head. "Cuddling without us."
Natasha laughs as Inessa marches over to the bed and plants herself in Bobbi's lap, Bobbi quickly adapting to the sixteen year old in her lap and tickling her. Aurelia sits at the foot of her bed, beckoning Holland over when she hovers nervously. Maria shoots her a look that mirrors her earlier one when they first arrived, the I'm not a kid person look and Natasha shoots her one back. You are now.
Natasha makes her way down the hall to have the conversation she needs to have with her oldest after she talks with her youngest, leaving her sister(s) and her daughters up to whatever shenanigans she knows they'll get up to.
She knocks on their door and they let her in. The ice cream carton they're passing around ends up on Nicola's nightstand and they wait for her to start talking.
Nicola is apologetic for her earlier outburst and Natasha quickly settles her nerves by telling her she was only expressing how she felt and that she was the one who should be sorry. Although Annika wasn't nearly as pissed as Nicola, Natasha apologizes to the both of them and has them promise in return that they'll always call her out when she's being dishonest. It's a hard thing, especially for them and when it goes against everything they've been taught but they agree to it, and Natasha reminds them that she's proud of them because of it.
The three of them head back to her room to be with Maria, Bobbi, and Yelena before they have to leave only to find them downstairs instead. Bobbi and Yelena, being the gremlins they are, are currently devouring her Oreos along with Tallulah, Aurelia, and Holland, the little schemers.
Maria, despite constantly insisting she's not a kid person, has Inessa thrown over her shoulder, the teen giggling madly.
"I've got a package for...Natasha Romanoff? I think they misplaced it at my door instead of yours, here ya go." Maria jokes, handing Inessa to Natasha.
Natasha both fears and anticipates the next time they come to visit, as she knows she'll have her hands full. She also looks forward to the day her girls meet the rest of Yelena's girls, her nieces, their cousins, because she's sure that'll be even more chaotic than this and she and Yelena are sure to have their hands full.
Bobbi, Yelena and Maria leave with promises to come back and new titles as their aunts.
Later that night, after they've gone to bed, Tallulah comes into her room asking for stories of Delilah.
"So I...don't forget." She says.
And because she knows that feeling, the feeling of forgetting but not actually, truly wanting to, she tells her. She tells Tallulah stories of Delilah she wasn't even sure anyone else knew, personal anecdotes she had picked up about the love of her life and filed away for later.
It's...refreshing? Yeah, it's refreshing. She hasn't talked about her in years and misses her more than anything. It hurts like hell knowing she's gone but what good is it going to do her pushing the hurt away?
None, as she's most recently learned. She's actually still learning lots of things, and that's okay. Not everything comes easy, despite being an assassin who's used to solving all of her problems with violence.
And that's okay. It'll take her a while to really process it but she's got all the time in the world to figure it out. She'll allow herself all the time in the world to figure it out.
She's told Tallulah most of what she remembers about Delilah when she falls asleep, Natasha doing the same not that long after.
She dreams of Delilah.