October 2016
Peter didn’t want to be here, but he also didn’t want to be ungrateful. Once a month Ben and May would take Peter out for dinner for what they called family night. It was supposed to be a night where they could forget about work or school and just be together.
Peter dreaded family night.
It’s not that he didn’t want to be with Ben and May, he just hated the way Ben would furrow his eyebrows as he reviewed the bill. He hated the way May would reach across the table to put her hand on his, silently telling him not to worry. But worry was all Ben knew. He worried about May, Peter, the rent that was too high, his pay checks that were too low, and all the things on his to do list that he never had time for.
Peter didn’t mind that he didn’t have as many clothes or toys as his classmates or even that his shoes were falling apart, and that he would have to wait until Christmas to get new ones. He didn’t mind that they were poor and that everyone around them seemed to know it. But he hated seeing how the stress was aging Ben and causing more tension between Ben and May. The family nights just seemed to be a reminder of all this.
Tonight, they were at a local Italian place that they had last been to on May’s birthday. Her grandparents moved to New York from Italy before having kids and they had dreamed of going back. Growing up May would always ask why they didn’t go back even just for a visit. They would smile at her and say, “and be away from you Tesoro? Never”.
Her grandparents didn’t have the money to go back, and they never would.
May was telling stories of her mom and how she would refuse to speak English at her school, leading all the teachers to believe that she couldn’t speak it at all. Ben and Peter laughed even though they knew the story. Peter loved hearing May slip in and out of her Italian and Ben just loved his wife.
When the check came Ben put his card down without even checking the amount. Sometimes it was better not to know. Peter spoke louder in a fruitless attempt to distract May and Ben from the bill. He complained that midterms in his semester long classes were already coming up and that he had only just started Freshman year. May rolled her eyes at her nephew antics, knowing that he was too smart to really be worried.
Despite it being mid-October, the weather was still warm. They were about a twenty-minute walk from the apartment, so Peter suggested they walk as it was so nice out. In truth, he just didn’t want them to waste their money on a taxi fare and so the three of them walked past the two parked taxis and headed towards their small Queens apartment. Ben let May walk a few paces ahead so he could walk next to Peter and wrap his arm around his nephew’s shoulder. He leaned in, “you know I’m proud of you bud.” There was warmth in his gravelly voice.
Peter didn’t know what brought on the sentimentality, but he smiled. “I know.” Ben squeezed his shoulder before dropping his arm.
They weren’t in a bad neighborhood, so they weren’t on high alert.
But up ahead two shots rang out, their sound amplifying between the tightly packed buildings. Ben turned quickly and grabbed Peter, pushing him back towards the alley they had just passed. He reacted on instinct trying to get his nephew to cover and praying that May would do the same. He used his body to press Peter’s too-skinny frame against the bricks and shielded him from the street.
Three more shots rang out. Ben kept his eyes clenched shut and tried to ignore how hard Peter was shaking. He wasn’t sure how long they stood there before he heard his nephew’s shaky voice, “May?”
Ben didn’t think his stomach could sink any further than it had. But he looked around and May wasn’t with them. “Stay here buddy, I’m going to go find her.” He prayed she had found cover.
“No! No don’t, you can’t leave. Please don’t leave.” Peter’s voice shook and he sounded younger than he had in years. “Please”, he sobbed, “please don’t leave.”
Ben folded Peter into his chest and hugged him tightly. “Ok buddy, stay with me. We are just going to peak our heads around the corner.” He pulled back on the hug so he could look Peter in the eyes. “But if I say run, you run. Got it?”
Peter shook his head. The two of them slowly made their way back to the street. In the distance they could hear sirens and they hoped that they were coming their way. Ben gasped and tried to pull Peter back before he saw, but it was too late.
Lying crumpled on the sidewalk surrounded by blood was May. She had only made it a few steps towards the alley before a bullet must have caught her in the back. Ben stopped breathing.
“No!” Peter pushed himself away from his frozen uncle and ran towards May. “May, no please, oh god please May wake up. Please- “he knelt by her head and clumsily felt for a pulse that wasn’t there, “oh god, please”.
Still frozen a few paces back, Ben fell to his knees. He could see May’s lifeless eyes from there, he didn’t need to feel for a pulse. He stared at her body as the cries of his nephew faded into the background. The sirens were getting louder.
They were too late.
The two police cars were followed by an ambulance. One of the EMTs wrapped Peter in a silver blanket as he waited for Ben to be done with the police. Ben answered all their questions in a calm, solemn manner. He gave them his phone number and their address before they apologized to him once again. He still hadn’t cried for his wife.
Ben walked over to Peter who still had tears silently sliding down his reddened cheeks. A young woman was trying to comfort him in a whispered tone, but Peter was just staring at his hands, May’s blood now dry. Ben didn’t know what to say so he took a seat on the back of the ambulance and tucked Peter’s head under his chin.
Peter started to cry harder as Ben rubbed his hand up and down Peter’s arm. “She- she’s gone.”
It still hadn’t hit him yet, but he said, “yeah bud, she’s gone”. His wife was gone.
“It all my fault, if we had just taken a taxi, we would be home by now. But I wanted to walk, I made you guys walk. Oh god, it’s all my fault.” The more Peter talked the louder and more frantic he got.
Ben didn’t say anything.
---
The funeral was three days later. Ben stayed home from work and Peter from school as the two of them planned the small service. May had lost touch with her religious upbringing, but they gave her a Catholic service so that she could be buried next to her mom and her grandparents just on the outskirts of Queens. Peter’s parents were buried just a few blocks from there.
Ben refused to speak at the ceremony. He didn’t speak much at all.
Peter had barely spoken in the days following her death, but that was largely since he was alone. Ben wouldn’t leave his and May’s bedroom until lunch time and even then, he would barely say anything to Peter. He had become a shell of the warm man he was before. Peter didn’t know what to say to him, so he stayed quiet.
Peter was numb. It wasn’t until he spotted Ned and his mom at the service that he allowed himself to cry again. They both came right over to him and enveloped him in a tight hug. “I’m so sorry, Peter. May was such a lovely woman. I can’t believe how hard this is for you and Ben. If you guys need anything, and I mean anything, please call.” Peter couldn’t get the words out to thank her, but he gave her another hug.
Ned didn’t know what to say to his best friend. He hadn’t known Peter when his parents died but he remembered him saying how much he hated the insincere platitudes. He said, “I’m so sorry dude”.
Peter nodded, “thanks”. His voice came out quiet. Peter grabbed Ned’s hand and led him to the front pew where Ben was already sat, hiding from the rest of the mourners.
The service and the burial took a while. Peter had never been in a Catholic church before and so he didn’t know the prayers or hymns. He did his best to distract himself by looking at all the beautiful stained glass around him. However, every time his eyes caught sight of the casket placed at the altar his breath caught. Ned clutched his hand the whole time and Ben stared straight ahead, never flinching.
Hours later Peter and Ben sat down at their kitchen table. They had made it through the reception during which a plethora of May’s coworkers and friends, many of whom Peter didn’t know, had approached them to pay their respects. Peter had heated up one of the casseroles that had been dropped off the night before. This one appeared to have pasta, spinach, and some sort of green vegetable- artichoke maybe? It didn’t matter, he couldn’t taste it.
Ben didn’t touch it. Instead, he swirled the scotch in his glass and stared at the front door. If Peter didn’t know any better, he would think that Ben was waiting for May to walk right back into their lives. Hair in a messy bun and scrubs a bit disheveled as she strolled in late from the evening shift. She would give them both a kiss on the forehead before joining them for whatever makeshift meal they had put together.
But Peter knew better. And May wasn’t coming home.
Peter had never seen Ben drink before. He wasn’t sure if alcohol was something they had given up when Peter had joined their home, or if it was never a part of the lives to begin with. Peter had never asked. Ben lifted his drink and finished it in one gulp before getting up to grab the bottle. He kissed Peter’s forehead and brought the bottle to his bedroom without another word.
Peter had never felt so alone.