Mr. Stark Will Always Come For Me
After Peter was rescued things did not immediately go back to normal. Peter didn’t magically get better as if nothing had happened, like is often shown in the movies. If this were a movie Peter would be smiling and rambling as Tony looked on fondly. This is not what happened though.
When Peter arrived back at the Tower Tony took him straight to the medbay where Bruce put him on an IV as he was very malnourished. Tony then got to work on taking the shock collar off of Peter. Peter, through all of this, stayed pliant, as he always had when the guards took blood from him. Tony kept looking from the collar to Peter’s face, concern creasing his forehead as Peter stared down, eyes hollow. He moved easily whichever way Tony or Bruce wanted him, and it felt so wrong. Peter was always so animated, lively, and also stubborn. This Peter is like a puppet, moves the way others want him to, but doesn’t move himself.
Tony focuses back on the collar, just wanting to get the god-awful thing off his kid’s neck. He needs to get to a few final screws in the back to finish. “Peter,” the boy says nothing, “can you lean forward a bit bud?” Peter robotically nods and then leans forward. Tony brushes some overgrown curls from the nape of Peter’s neck and unscrews the last remaining screws. “Okay, I’m going to take it off now kiddo,” Peter says nothing as Tony starts to peel the metal away from his neck.
He did not have his healing factor for the last three months and the collar often burned his skin from the electric shocks. Some would be so bad they would blister and with the collar rubbing against them nonstop they never fully healed, it hurt, but he got used to the pain quickly as it was a constant. The ones that did heal left nasty scars in their wake. Peter bites his lip to hide in a pain-filled gasp as parts of his skin are stripped away along with the offending device. Tony can’t help his own gasp though when he sees the red skin, some parts blistered and now bleeding from removing the collar, other parts lighter and wrinkled where it was obvious a burn had scarred over. The older man also can’t help but think that Peter had truly believed Tony would ever hurt him like this, or at all for that matter. He can’t blame the boy though, if anything he blames himself. They used him; his face, and his voice, to hurt Peter. As soon as the collar is all the way off Tony violently throws it in the garbage can next to Peter’s bed. Peter doesn’t mean to but he flinches at the noise, “Sorry.” Tony says, taking a breath. Peter says nothing.
He says nothing, one because it’s still hard to understand that he is allowed to talk without permission, but also because he is exhausted. He sobbed in Tony’s arms on the flight here and it took all the energy he had in him, which wasn’t much to begin with.
Bruce examines Peter’s neck with a grim frown. “Now that the collar is off your healing factor should come back, but seeing as you’re malnourished it will take time for it to get back to its usual speed. For now, I’m going to clean the wounds and dress them, okay?” Peter nods numbly.
Bruce first apologizes right before he disinfects the burns. Peter can’t help the hiss that comes out when the alcohol touches the open wounds. Tony is hovering during this, unsure what would be best for Peter. He would usually wrap an arm around Peter’s shoulders or give one an encouraging squeeze, but Bruce needs space to work. Also, he is not sure what physical contact Peter is okay with right now. Yes, he broke down and let Tony hold him on the Jet, but now he is back to his stoic empty demeanor. He doesn’t want to do something that will make the kid distrust him, even though he already did, even though someone wearing his face already did. When Peter let out a hiss of pain he couldn’t take it anymore, he reached for Peter’s hand which was resting on the kid’s thigh. Peter didn’t move it, which seems like a good thing, but he didn’t move at all. He didn’t even react, it was like he didn’t even feel it. Still, in case he can feel it, and Tony hopes he can, he squeezes the smaller hand in his own, trying to will as much comfort as possible in one grasp.
When Bruce was done cleaning the burns he put some cream on them and started to dress them in gauze. When he finished he stepped back, “All done.” Peter made no move, eyes cast down, “Peter?” Although he was professional, Bruce couldn’t hide the concern in his voice for the younger hero.
When Peter heard his name through the haze of, not quite unconscious, but definitely not full consciousness, he shifted a bit to let the people with him know he heard. Then again he also would have responded to, it, Spider, mutant, prisoner, etc.
“Does that feel okay?” Bruce asked.
Direct question, have to answer. But he can’t answer truthfully, he knows that. “Yes sir,” he says, his voice rough from disuse. Bruce frowns at the name.
He feels a weight on his hand and the pressure gets tighter for a moment, but not painfully. He realizes it’s Tony’s hand. “Peter, kid, be honest with us if it doesn’t.”
Trick, it’s a trick.
He knows this trick. Ross asks him a question, he answers the way he knows they want to hear. Ross tells him to be honest. He is, and then he is punished for complaining. Yes, he no longer has the collar on, but the collar was by no means the only way he was punished. They got really creative at times, sometimes making him use whatever weapon against himself.
“It’s fine sir,” Peter said, no emotion coming through.
Tony sighed, “Peter look at me.”
Direct order, yet conflicting order to the rules. Peter’s brain feels like it’s short-circuiting, he knows it’s another trick, but if it’s not he will be punished. But usually, he is punished either way, for breaking a rule, no eye contact, or for ignoring a direct order. It’s a catch-22 situation; he loses either way.
Even though Peter has not looked up, and Tony can’t see his entire face, he knows Peter is uncertain about what to do. It pains him to say his next few words, but sadly he knows Peter probably wants to hear them, “Peter, I give you p-” He takes a deep breath and wills himself to say the words even though they taste like acid in his mouth, “permission to look at me.” Peter looks up at him finally, “You will always have permission to look at me and anyone else.” Peter frowned at that, “I know you don’t believe that, and it’s okay,” it is most definitely not okay, “but you do and I will tell you that as many times as it takes for you to believe it.” Peter says nothing, his eyes searching Tony’s. “You will always have permission to look at others and to speak, always.” Peter still says nothing, still slightly worried this is a trick.
Peter knows it’s Tony in front of him, but then again he thought he knew Tony was in front of him weeks ago in his cell. If that was a trick, why can’t this be too? Part of him knows it’s not a trick, the part that let himself fall apart in Tony’s arms hours ago, but the other part, the part still stuck on the Raft, that might be stuck there forever, won’t let himself believe it. Hope in that place did nothing but hurt him. Hope became an enemy to him.
“Please tell us the truth, Peter,” Tony asked, almost pleadingly.
Peter is still searching his eyes, but he can’t find what he’s looking for. He’s not even sure what he is looking for. He figures that either way he is going to get punished so, he relents and tells the truth. “I don’t like it.” As soon as he finishes saying the words he flinches back ready for a shock, blow, or anything else coming his way. Nothing happens though.
Tony looked at him with sad eyes, understanding what Peter had thought would happen. “What don’t you like about it?” Besides the obvious, since Tony wishes they didn’t have to wrap up Peter’s burns, wished they never happened in the first place. Wished he had been there to protect his kid. “Is it too tight?” Peter shook his head. “Please tell me why then?”
Direct question. The only change is the please at the beginning. That word was never said once on the Raft. “I don’t like things around my neck.” Again he flinched when he was done, but a bit less forcefully this time.
It hit Tony suddenly and he felt like an idiot. Peter just got the collar off, he was just freed. Although the wrap is supposed to be beneficial and help him heal it still had to feel confining. It was no doubt much softer than the monstrous shock collar, but it must still feel like a collar of sorts nonetheless. Bruce seemed to come to the same conclusion. “We could try it without the dressing, but you have to be very careful. You cannot touch your neck or else you could get an infection. But I understand, so if you want me to take it off I will.” Peter is quiet.
Tony speaks up, “Do you want Bruce to take it off, Peter?” Although it was a direct question, Peter didn’t say anything. He is not supposed to ask for what he wants. What he wants doesn’t matter. He let his eyes fall back to his lap. “Kiddo, I need a verbal answer, neither of us is doing anything without your consent.”
“Whatever you think I deserve is fine sir,” Peter answered, trying his best to give an answer that wouldn’t end in more pain, he never sussed in the past though.
Tony wanted to cry, but he had to be strong for his kid, “Peter, this is not our decision to make. It is your body and your feelings, you have to tell us what you want.” Peter stayed silent. “I promise you that no matter what you say neither of us will be mad and nothing bad will happen.”
Peter wanted to believe that, he so wanted to believe that. Peter took a risk, he was almost positive he was going to regret, “I want it off.” He shut his eyes tight waiting for the fallout.
Tony kept his voice even and calm, “Then we’ll take it off.” Peter peeked one eye open, neither man had moved an inch. He opened the other eye as well. “Can Bruce come and take it off?”
Direct question, “Yes.”
Tony smiled at him encouragingly, “Thank you.” It’s funny how two words you’ve heard your whole life can sound so foreign. Peter hadn’t heard those two words spoken together in three months.
Bruce slowly walked over, “Alright, I’m going to take them off okay?” Another question, Peter nodded. Bruce also gave him a small smile before unwrapping the gauze. Once it was off Peter relaxed just a bit, but not enough to let his guard completely down. “I would like to keep you here on the IV for at least a day, especially since this is a sterile environment which is safer for your neck while it heals. Is that okay?”
Peter wasn’t used to all these questions. He’s used to just constant orders. The questions are overwhelming, but he knows what happens when he doesn’t answer, so he nods yes.
“Alright, I will let you settle in and I will come and check in a bit later.” Bruce smiled at him, “It’s good to have you back Peter.” And with that, he turned and walked out the door.
Tony settles himself in a chair next to Peter’s bed, his hand still on Peter’s. “You want me to lower the top of the bed so you can lie down?” Another question, Peter nodded.
Tony used a remote and slowly lowered the bed until Peter was mostly horizontal. Peter was looking at him with an odd expression. “What’s up, kid?” Tony asked, going for casual, but failing a bit. It was kind of hard to be casual when the boy in front of you was ripped away and then hidden and tortured for months. Peter shook his head and averted his eyes once more. Tony sighed sadly. “You can talk to me kiddo,” Peter said nothing as no direct question was asked, or order was given. “I won’t be mad, I promise, remember?” Peter nodded. “What’s on your mind?”
“Why are you here?” Peter said hesitantly looking back up. Tony froze at the question and Peter knew he screwed up. “Sorry.” He quickly added trying to fix the mistake he made. That never worked on the Raft though. He would just be punished more for apologizing because apologizing meant he spoke out of turn.
Tony quickly relaxed his stance, “No, no, I’m not mad, I just don’t understand. What do you mean why am I here?” Where else would he be? There is no place Tony could even imagine himself being other than with Peter at this moment.
Peter had been asked a direct question, “I’m usually left alone after experimenting or while I’m recovering.” Peter supplies. Tony can’t help the mental image of Peter hurt, all alone, appearing in the forefront of his mind. All because he failed to protect Peter and then failed to find him sooner. He has to will himself not to cry, although a tear still makes its way down his cheek. Peter’s eyes widen when he sees it, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you sad.” He shuts his mouth tight after that and looks down once more.
Tony feels like he can’t do anything right as they are going around in circles, “You didn’t Peter. I’m just sorry you had to go through all of that, especially alone. You don’t have to anymore though, I’m not leaving you.” Peter’s mind hasn’t quite decided if that is a good thing or not. On the raft, if he wasn’t alone he was usually in pain, but so far he has not been in much pain with Tony. Only when taking the collar off, which he is very grateful for, and cleaning the burns. “You want to watch a movie?” Another question, Peter simply nods. “Any preference?” Peter shakes his head.
Tony hums for a second thinking, It doesn’t take long before he decides and turns on Star Wars: A New Hope. He watches through the corner of his eye as Peter relaxes more and more as the movie plays on. Tony gently squeezes Peter's hand a few times throughout the movie and once or twice Peter squeezes back. It gives Tony hope. Peter is still in there and Tony will dig for as long as it takes to get Peter out from under the Raft’s control.
__________
Peter is released from the med bay two days later. Each night was filled with nightmares as all nights often were for Peter. This time was different though. Normally he would be left alone to suffer through them or jolt awake with a shock because he was “being too loud.” These times though he woke up to soft words and even a hand running through his hair. He forgot that touch could be a good thing. That touch didn’t exclusively mean pain. He knew this a bit from his crying session on the jet, but it was a bit of a blur since he had been exhausted and in shock. Slowly he started to lean into the touch of Tony’s hand in his hair or on his face as the older man wiped away his tears.
Tony would remind him that he is free any chance he could. Although it still pained the older hero to do so, he often reminded the boy that he had permission to look at people’s faces and talk whenever he wanted to. He had to constantly encourage Peter to ask for what he wants, not just needs, but wants. Very slowly Peter started to look up more. He started to talk a bit more each day, each day that he didn’t get punished for doing so. He started to even ask questions at one point.
There were times, days even when Peter would not look up, would not speak. This usually happened after a particularly bad nightmare. No one had to guess what those nightmares were about. On those days Tony trod more carefully around the kid, not wanting to set him off or make a wrong move that the kid could misinterpret as malicious. There were even days Peter forgot he was free and treated everyone like Ross or the guards. Those days were the hardest not only for Peter but for Tony too. On those days Peter looked at him, well if he looked up at all, as a threat, his eyes showing nothing but devastation and fear. Tony can’t help thinking that Peter actually did look at him like that once, well the fake imposter him that came to visit the poor kid in that hell hole. It always broke the older man’s heart when Peter looked at him with terrified eyes and a look of betrayal. Still, he stayed with him and reminded Peter that he was free and could look wherever he wants and speak whenever he wants. Make sure he knows that no one will ever hurt him while he’s around. As time went on, those awful days, where he didn’t hear his kid speak at all and didn’t see his kid’s face once as he only looked down at the floor, became more scarce.
The best days for Tony were the first day that Peter smiled and the first day that Peter laughed. Tony had almost forgotten what that sime looked like and what that magnificent gorgeous noise sounded like. Tony prayed and begged whoever was listening to never take that smile away again. To never take that laugh away again. To never take his son again.
Peter was finally feeling somewhat comfortable and trusting Tony more. He finally let his hope come back and kept his walls down. He finally started to believe he was safe.
Whether it be a kidnapping, injury, or nightmare Tony would always be there. Mr. Stark will always come for me.