“What? What is it you’re trying to say?” It was no use. There was no amount of good deeds or affirmations you could give to appease your wife.
“Look… I know you think you haven’t changed, but I feel-” She paused to wipe a stray tear from her eye. Your heart sunk down into your stomach seeing the irritation of her eyelids and hopeless expression. It felt like you were torn apart and gravity took hold of all your broken pieces. “I’m just so alone,” her voice cracked and strained as she was holding back sobs. Your eyes were welling up at this point too.
“I’m alone all the fucking time… You don’t call. You don’t send me a text just to let me know you’re alive-because hell will freeze over before you share your location on your phone,” the list was just starting as she continued on and you knew the yelling would come back at any moment. She stood up and paced feverishly on the wraparound porch. You gave her a moment before approaching with the same care you would always use to defuse an argument. Usually, she’d let you hold her hand and still her from letting her frustration lead her words. You always guided things towards a calm conversation.
She couldn’t let that happen tonight. At this point she was beyond frustration, feeling like a sheep and you were the shepherd. Even though it was a trait she used to admire, the past couple years it had grown into something she resented. Wanda noted how she had never had the guts to say anything about it before. It was becoming a tick of hers. She wanted you to scream. To fight back. To make her feel like she wasn’t the bad guy in this. It was you that pulled away. The long hours at work, missing the boys’ milestone moments. She spent the last few years working so hard to makeup for her misgivings, but you just- you weren’t there. That hurt the most.
“What can I do?” Wanda’s eyes snapped to your own and she felt anger consume her.
“I shouldn’t have to tell you the same thing every 6 months!” She quipped. There was a tinge of satisfaction when she saw the hurt in your eyes. She wanted to smile when she saw the tears building up and threatening to fall at a moments notice. It quickly turned to fear when your expression hardened and you turned to get back in your car. Sure she wanted to hurt you, but that didn’t mean she wanted you to go. All she wanted was for you to be there. Was that so hard? “Where do you think you’re going?” She raced through the lawn and cut you off from getting in. Her arms stretched out to block you from getting around her. She was glad the boys were at a sleep over and far away from yet another argument.
“I need some time to think,” There was silence after that. The defeated tone was an indicator that you weren’t changing your mind. When a few tension filled minutes passed and you didn’t cave in to Wanda’s insistence (for the first time in your 15 years together) she finally moved out of your way. Quickly crossing her arms over her chest, wounded. She just wanted you to feel something. Anything.
After the first 3 weeks apart she had attempted to talk things through with you at the motel you had been staying in.
“The boys need you. I need you. I can’t do it alone,” she was begging you to come back. You were close too. The urge to lean into her gentle touch as her hand held your cheek was what almost broke you.
“You’re not alone Wanda. I’ll take care of the bills. I’ll give you whatever you want, but I need time,” You said again.
“Are you seeing someone else?” this was the unspoken question Wanda held since the boys had turned 2. Almost 9 years ago. You shook your head.
“Never… but I am seeing a therapist. It’s been really helpful actually,” you said slowly, gauging her reaction. After her brothers death Wanda refused to get help outside of you. ‘What do they know?’ or 'No one would ever understand’ were the most common excuses. You knew she wasn’t ready and maybe she never would be, but you never completely stopped reminding her that she could try if she was ever ready to.
“So you see a therapist but not your own children,” She shot back at you. Her head tilted and you knew any chance of a civil conversation was gone.
2 months into all of this mess and you had gotten a nice apartment. Safe for the boys to be able to come over. They were especially excited when your coworker dropped by with her dog Fanny. What should’ve been a fun experience quickly turned sour after you dropped the boys off the next day.
“Seriously? I thought you would at least warn me if the boys were going to meet some girl you’re seeing,” Wanda decided to call you at 3 am with this complaint. Wine drunk no doubt while the boys slept peacefully on the other side of the house. You opened your mouth to respond, but you didn’t even get a chance to speak. To let her know that Yelena was only dropping off work files for an important meeting you were having in less that 6 hours. “They won’t stop talking about how they want a dog too now! Do I just add that to the list of things that I have to do already or are you going to come back home” Wanda was upset again. You were silent for a moment, processing the new information. You heard a huff come from her end and then the phone disconnected.
You two used to always be on the same page… Now you might as well be on opposite sides of the universe.
When the 4th month rolled around it felt hard to breathe. The boys were about to have their birthday party tomorrow. Yes, you were making progress with therapy and you really wanted to make things work. You were still married after all and Wanda had been noticing how you made a point to be a part of the boys life. Taking more breaks and time off from your company. The bills were paid and you craved to be back with your family… You just weren’t sure if that’s what Wanda wanted anymore.
She had never told you about it, but the boys let it slip that she had a friend named Vision come over fairly often. While you dreaded the reality of the situation, you were relieved to hear that the boys had taken a liking to the man. Even if his name was odd, it wasn’t your place to judge your wife. Wanda wouldn’t have anyone around the boys that she wasn’t absolutely sure of. You always admired her endless devotion to her family.
When the day had come, you parked in the drive. Gift in hand and Yelena with Fanny in tow, you stepped through the side gate and into the backyard. It was decorated with bright balloons of all sorts and superhero themed games lined the back fence.
“Hey, we’ve got a gift table set up over on the right. Food should be ready in a few minutes,” You turned your head to see Wanda’s 'friend’ Vision. You wanted to find something to dislike and quickly, but the man looked respectable. Clean cut and polite. The way he carried himself to greet more guests intrigued you.
You set your gifts down and realized you had gotten there a bit too early. The boys were more than likely still getting ready and you could picture Wanda, hovering over whatever delicious chaos was happening in the kitchen. You smiled to yourself, remembering how she always looked in those moments. Hair pulled back lazily in whichever way she could manage and her apron surprisingly clean for how many different dishes she multi tasked making.
Yelena and Vision were talking. Well, more like he was talking to Fanny and petting her tummy while Yelena was standing there looking around the space. The only other time she had been to the house was after that 3 am call. The next day you were able to inform your wife that Yelena was just a coworker. The boys asked if she could come to one of the games that you were taking them to and on the way back she stepped inside to use the bathroom while you and Wanda tried to make small talk outside.
Deciding against interrogating Wanda’s ‘friend’ you stepped inside to see if she needed any help while Vision played host. Maybe she would confirm or deny if there was a chance left to fix things. As you rounded the corner you sighed. Wanda in her element was a sight for sore eyes. You could see the spark in her eyes as everything seemed to pull together all at the right moments.
'Cooking is just about timing’
Her voice echoed in your head. All the times she told you the same story to pair with the phrase came flooding into your mind as you leaned against the wall. Was it wrong to admire her like that? Probably if her boy toy was running the boys’ birthday party. You stepped into Wanda’s line of sight and quickly offered a helping hand.
“I was wondering how long you were going to stand there for,” she wiggled her eyebrows at you. A good omen. She was in a playful mood.
“Long enough to smell how good the food is,” you answered back as you started hauling out catering size dishes out to the backyard and setting up the makeshift food buffet. The party progressed fairly well and Yelena made sure to keep your staring in check when it came to Wanda and Vision. You never imagined yourself as much of a jealous person, but the way he had her laughing so often had a few negative feelings bubbling underneath the surface. Especially when he’d act annoyingly chivalrous. Pulling out the chair for her and grabbing the door was your thing. She liked when you did that with her. Did she like it better when he did those things?
“Just try to focus on the boys,” Yelena kept reminding you. So you did. Making sure to hand out their presents in an orderly fashion while Vision filmed them unwrapping everything. At least with the two of you there Wanda could sit down for a bit of a break. After all was said and done Vision and Yelena were in the living room supervising the boys. Yelena gave you a quick look and a thumbs up before dragging Vision into a conversation and you moved to find Wanda. Finding her definitely wasn’t very difficult as she ended up right where you would’ve expected. Leaning against the counter with a glass of wine. While the leftovers were no doubt piled on top of each other in the fridge, the dishes were piled high in the sink. Before she could stop you, you pulled up your sleeves and started cleaning.
“You don’t have to do that,” She breathed out.
“I know. I want to,” You shot her a relaxed smile before continuing on your task. It was quiet for awhile before the silence broke again.
“Stop me if I’m out of line?” Wanda set her wine glass on the counter and you tilted your head in curiousity.
“What’s up?” You asked.
“I miss you,” The confession looked like a weight lifting off of her shoulders as she stood with determination.
“I’m not going anywhere,” You shrugged. Turning off the hot water and setting the last pot on the drying rack.
“Then why aren’t we back together?” She asked. Your head spun at the question.
“what do you mean?”
“I mean why are we still doing this back and forth? You still want me and I still want you,” Wanda stated confidently, but a sad undertone left a bittersweet aftertaste.
“I want you too, but it’d be wrong… Aren’t you happy with Vision?” You asked. Wanda’s eyes widened in shock before her face showed relief. She shook her head with a light chuckle escaping.
“Vis is gay…” She tucked a stray strand of hair away from your eyes. The news immediately mended the tension in your neck. “Plus, I only have eyes for you and that’ll never change,” All you could see was kindness in her eyes.
A year and a half felt closer to a decade at this point. The initial separation all the way to now seemed too eventual for such a small space of time. Turning a sinking marriage into what your family is at this moment? Definitely not a piece of cake, but you were actively in everyone’s life. You found out Wanda started a book club with a few of the neighbors. You took the opportunity to spoil the boys and have small Sunday adventures while Wanda got a much needed break.
While weekdays were still hectic work wise you and Wanda promised to have date night every other Thursday and found that it was really grounding to check in with each other so often. To dress nice because you want to look nice for your wife. To do small things that made her day. A surprise starbucks run here and there, small love notes left on her side of the bathroom mirror (a lot easier to leave now that you had moved back in). Wanda’s favorite was when you thought she was asleep. Every morning she would keep her eyes closed a few minutes longer to feel you kiss her forehead and pull the blanket back over her shoulder before starting breakfast.
Most mornings before this you would unceremoniously get up and leave for work before anyone had a chance to talk to you. A complete opposite whereas now- you would whisper softly before leaving the room.
“I’m so lucky to have you,”
“You’re so beautiful”
“This family is the best thing that’s ever happened to me”
“I’ll never let go of you again”
At least those were a few of her favorites since she realized your change of morning routine. As she refrained from opening her eyes, she felt your soft lips press onto her skin. You fingers still running through her hair absentmindedly before pulling the plush comforter over her shoulders, tucking her in.
“You can open your eyes, babygirl,” Wanda couldn’t help the smile creeping on her lips. She opened one eye to see you looking at her. She melted at the softness in your eyes and the sensation of your fingertips dragging down her side. “I know you’ve heard me every morning this past month and I just wanted to do something different if that’s okay?” You asked. Wanda quickly nodded and awaited whatever sweet sentence you’d deliver today.
“I found this song that makes me think of you and I want to listen to it together,” You held out a headphone. She smiled and you both settled in your spots comfortably before pressing play and drifting off into the melody.