chapter one
Bucky had gotten back late from a last-minute mission, but early enough to see you before you started your evening shift at the bookstore. You’d promised seconds before he ran out on you, ungracefully pulling up his trousers, that you didn’t have to go in until after six- that you’d likely still be there when he came home. Both of you rarely made promises, given prior experiences with how easily they could be broken, so whilst dismantling a bunch of tech created by someone out of vengeance he’d allowed that flutter of hope to build with each punch and drop of blood shed that when he came back to you- because he would always come back to the both of you- that you’d be there to hold him and remind him of the good that was still in the world.
Upon entering your apartment however, Bucky looked around at the open-space no you in sight as he dropped his bag besides the couch, his jacket onto the back of it and his mudded trainers onto the shoe rack- right beside their miniature version. It truly peeves you off when he tracks mud through the apartment out of pure forgetfulness after a tough mission- your one year old, Solis James Barnes, doesn’t hesitate out of child-look curiosity to pick at the rubble of earth on your linoleum flooring and place it- gross - into his mouth.
“Hey, doll? I’m home!” He called out only to be met by silence. He rounded the sofa of the living room and was met by hulkishly strong baby hands tugging on his ripped trousers. “Well hey there, Sol.” Bucky smiled at his son, who only whined and tugged harder at the material with his claw-like grip, before picking him up and propping him on his hip.
“Where’s mama, huh? Where’s she at?” Bucky, forever on edge, roamed his eyes mechanically around the room- watching, scanning for any signs of danger- when he found none his shoulders sagged in relief as he kissed the crown of his son’s head, Solis squealing in delight as his brown curls bounced. “Let’s go find her, bud. C’mon.” Bucky, with Sol in tow, walked further into the apartment, past the guest bedroom and to your own as he looked through the half-open door. Bucky first noticed the ton of baby toys sprawled out across the bed, along with the small crayon markings in your king-sized duvet that weren’t there that morning, but no you.
“Y/N?” Bucky called out again, smiling to himself as Solis mouthed your name, ever the spitting double of his dad- allowing himself to tamper his quickly rising fear something he’d been working like heck on in therapy. Sol quickly grew agitated in his fathers arms, turning and holding his hands out in a grabbing motion at the Avengers owned helicopter flying rather loudly past the balcony. Bucky watched him and slid the double glass door open, throwing a quick one-handed wave to the pilot he’d talked to in the lobby on occasion, before turning to look at the sun bed and the you-sized lump curled up under a myriad of blankets laying on it.
“Doll?” Bucky called out gently, sitting on his haunches with a distracted Sol perched on his hip. “Doll..you awake?” He stroked a lone strand of hair out of your eyes, pulling down the blankets away from your slightly ashen face. All he got was a begrudging, ‘ ‘m fine,’ in response. Biting back a smile, he instinctively ran his hand in smoothing motions down your arm through the blankets. “You sure? Because you just slept through Starks' helicopter flying by.” Bucky questioned, the smile slowly slipping off his face as you turned to face him, your eyes falling to the boy in his arms as guilt wrapped you up in its grasp, quick to drag you under. “Doll, are you okay?” Bucky asked, unable to mask the concern creeping into his words as he moved his aching legs around and slowly sat crossed legged on the floor besides you.
“I’m just…tired at the moment. And..and I left him to come out here?” You grimaced, lying a hand over your eyes to hide from the blaring sun, shutting your eyes tightly.
“Doll..Y/N..don’t do that.” Bucky deflated as you quickly fell into the pattern of blaming yourself, his hand instinctively moving over your own to protect yourself from what he imagines is a wracking migraine. “I think..he wandered off, locked himself out and you must have..fallen asleep. When’d you start feeling like this?”
You sighed at his attempt to comfort you, your husband's unrelenting attempt of allowing you to feel a smidge of guilt forever, one of the many things you loved about him. “I..don’t know. Sometime after we got back from the fundraiser a few weeks ago? I chalked it up to Sol’s own sleep routine taking a nosedive but..i’m just so tired, Buck and I left- h..he could have fallen and..” You swallowed thickly, sitting up as the blankets fell from the sunbed quickly to pull Solis into your lap.
“Love..” Bucky started, tracing his hand down your back as you sniffed, fighting a wave of tears, into the crown of your little boy's head- peppering him with his kisses as your eyes glossed over. “..you're tired and clearly upset about it..” You flashed Bucky a ‘ well obviously’ look as you let out a small laugh which sent his heart soaring- even in the midst of an impending emotional breakdown you still managed to kickstart his heart into overdrive simply by existing. “...but it’s okay, he’s okay, you’re okay- you’re both okay. Deep breaths, doll.”
He watched as you breathed unevenly at first until your breath eventually evened out, undoubtedly soothed by Solis safely wrapped up in your arms, before he patted your thigh and scooched onto the sunbed with you both. “What are we gonna do with your mama, hey Sol?”
The child, a social butterfly compared to his very much not social parents, squealed at his name being mentioned and flung his arms around your shoulders, his warm little head resting on the crook of your shoulder. You smiled, instinctively flattening out the creases in his polo shirt, as you leant to the side-your own head resting on Bucky’s shoulder.
“Mama could really use some tea if it’s not too much trouble.” You hummed appreciatively as your husband slipped off from the sunbed, kissing the tops of both of his loves head, before sliding open the balcony doors. “Of course no worries at all, have you eaten yet? There’s some leftover pizza in the fridge that I can re-hea..” Before Bucky could finish that sentence you were off of the sunbed, pushing a now disgruntled Solis into his fathers arms, and shooting towards your bedroom with a fire up your ass. You darted towards the bathroom, hand pressed over your mouth for the second time that week in a weak attempt to not heave over anything but the porcelain throne, as you fell onto your knees retching into the open bowl.
“Doll..” Bucky called after you, his metal arm holding your son sturdily as he shakily tracked your movements- through the kitchen, past Sol’s nursery to your bedroom at the far end of the apartment, before placing Solis on the floor and rushing to your side, his hands automatically holding your hair from out of your face as you spat into the bowl with a feeble groan. He grabbed a lone bobble off of the sink, tied it into your hair and grabbed your half-filled water bottle off of the nightstand and slid onto the floor beside you.
Through sickness and health, those we’re the infamous vows you’d spoken to each other just months before Solis made his dramatic debut into the world- and sure back in the 40’s he’d been a stickler for germs after watching his mother become bedridden because of the state of their old home but after having a kid- the cutest but arguably most unhygienic little monsters to ever grace the planet, his worries slowly seeped away- which you we’re grateful for as he sat with you, pulled you into his arms on the tiled bathroom floor, and didn’t let go until you shuffled out of his hold to take a sip out of your surprisingly still refreshingly cold water bottle. You detested getting sick, the last time had been at the previously mentioned fundraiser where you and Bucky had been blessed with a rare kid-free night, both waking with hammering headaches that put your college party days to shame.
You chug the rest of the bottle before falling back into your lover's arms as he whispers sweet assurances into your ear, your cheeks flushing much to his absolute delight.