Thor didn’t know why he woke up the way he did.
Sucking in a loud gasp, like he was frightened.
He wasn’t having a nightmare, not one that he could remember anyway.
Thor sighed, once his chest finally filled with air again. He stared at the wall he had woken up facing for a moment. The room was still dark, so it had to be in the middle of the night, or at least close to it. The sun has been rising quite early lately.
Thor huffed, rolling onto his back. Rough fingertips rubbing his tired eyes. He let his arms fall heavily to his sides as he stared distractedly at the ceiling. He wasn’t particularly thinking about anything. Just wasting a few minutes. He doubted that he would be able to fall back to sleep, even though he craved a good night's rest. It was unlikely that it would happen now.
He glanced to the other side of the room, his eyes widening on the empty bed. Covers tossed to the side, revealing the large space where a sleeping body should be.
Thor jumped to his feet, getting tangled in his covers before he could actually make it to the floor. He ran out the door, stumbling into the hallway with a loud thud.
His steps were heavy and clumsy as he stampeded down the hall, he ran into the open living room, a huge sigh of relief escaped him. His shoulders slumping as he sees the light from the kitchen, and the sliver of black hair. His chest was still pounding from the fear that put his body and mind into overdrive. He took slow and shuffled steps as he walked towards the lightened area.
Thor stood in the doorway, his hand resting on the frame.
Thor was right about it being late, no one in all of New Asgard could be up except for them. Thor knew that for sure.
He let a sigh ring in the silent kitchen as he pulled a chair out from the small kitchen table, taking a seat. He sat for a moment, his eyes studying his brother’s concentrated expression.
“Loki?” Thor said, but knew he wasn’t even going to receive a glance. Thor sighed again, leaning back into his chair a bit more. Instead of trying to strike up a meaningless conversation, Thor watched his little brother pick up a singular piece, study the mess in front of him, and then place it down.
Loki was doing a puzzle, (at 2 in the morning) although he wasn’t doing it quite correctly. No, Thor could only recall a couple times when the picture actually came out like it was intended too. Loki...Wasn’t how he used to be, exactly. He suffered from severe head trauma following the fight with Thanos just a few short years ago. Thor could remember the long lasting days very clearly.
The days where Loki stayed unconscious lying unmoving in a stiff hospital bed. Thor can easily recall the burning in his eyes after he cried for hours once the doctors told him that his brother could very possibly be brain dead. It was weeks until he showed little signs of actual consciousness, and even then...It wasn’t much.
Thor grew to hate the hospital. He absolutely despised the waiting room chairs, and how the room smelled of bad coffee and sour walls. It was always so quiet but at the same time, Thor could never seem to think clearly through all of the noise. The machines, and the phones, nurses walking back and forth, the other worried people in the room. Thor almost broke his chair once the doctor called him into the hall.
The news that was delivered wasn’t necessarily...bad- could be alot worse. Thor knew that for sure.
But Thor would admit now that he didn’t quite understand what the doctor meant when he said that his brother could be a little different, a little slower.
Thor wished he could get a hold of that doctor again and tell him how far off he really was. His brother was not his brother anymore. Not in a sense. Loki wasn’t just a little different.
He wasn’t Loki at all.
It has been almost exactly four years since the incident. Thor, of course, has adapted to living with Loki- the different Loki. He would admit, it could be very hard at times, (Like right now for example) Loki could be difficult.
He was a little slower, after all. But Thor found that he seemed more childlike than anything.
It took some getting used too, but Thor would say he was getting the hang of it.
They both had come a long way. Loki was improving everyday, even if the progress seemed slow, Thor could still see it. They were immortal, and Thor found himself thinking quite often that he didn’t care if Loki’s recovery took the next 1,000 years. Thor would have his brother back.
So, here he sat. At the kitchen table in the middle of the night, watching his brother put together a puzzle incorrectly. A puzzle, that he might add, that Loki has done probably a hundred times. It was the only one they owned.
Thor had been tempted to throw it out, just because he would sometimes get so irritated by nights like these. Being woken up in the middle of the night, or when Loki would throw one of his fits when he couldn’t find the right piece. And Thor hated to say it- But he got annoyed quite a bit. He hated that he did, but he couldn’t help it sometimes. It could be because Loki’s having a bad day and is just causing him all kinds of problems, or maybe when Thor would forget all together about Loki’s condition. (He had done that a few times actually).
It wasn’t Loki’s fault, Thor had to remind himself that on a regular basis. His brother didn’t want this, Thor didn’t want this. But it happened, and they have to learn how to live with it.
Thor tilted his head so he could see his brother’s distorted picture. Loki forced another piece to fit together, Thor really didn’t know how they weren’t all broken by now.
“Here- Try this one.” Thor said, sliding him a piece. Loki still didn’t look at him, he only stared at his offered piece for much more than a moment, before taking and placing it with another. They fit perfectly, and Thor found himself smiling when he saw Loki’s grin. Now that Thor was a little more awake, he did recall that the few times Loki actually completed the puzzle, he might have had a little bit of help.
Thor rubbed his eyes, letting out a yawn. “I’m tired Loki, I’m sure you are too.” He waited for….anything really. A glance, a hesitation, but nothing was given. Thor leaned forward, his elbows on the table. He put his hand over his brothers. It was thin and cold, and Thor had to force the anxious lump in his throat to go down. Thor’s eyes shifted away once Loki actually looked at him for once.
“Do you want to go to bed?” Thor cleared his throat, as his thumb rubbed Loki’s knuckles.
“No.” Loki answered shortly, slipping his hand away from Thor’s, continuing with the puzzle.
“Are you sure? You look tired, brother.” Thor knew he could always force Loki to go to bed, but it was oh so much easier when Loki did it on his own. Thor was too tired to fight him off tonight and deal with his kicking and screaming.
“No.” Loki repeated, Thor sighed nodding. Loki didn’t speak much, barely at all actually. He only seemed to know a few words, No, being one of his favorites.
Thor shifted as his butt began to cramp from sitting in the hard wooden chair for so long. Thor glanced at the clock with a groan, another hand sliding down his face. It had been hours, almost three to be precise. Thor guessed he could have gone back to bed on his own, but he couldn’t leave Loki alone for long. He would probably be fine, since he was distracted. But Thor could never be for sure, Loki might decide to leave (again) go wandering around. The last time that occurred Thor couldn’t find him for hours, it was a nightmare.
Thor perked up at the sound of Loki’s yawn.
“Are you tired?” Thor asked, Loki quickly shook his head, grabbing another piece. “I bet you are, Loki.” Thor stood up, his knees aching as he did. “Come on, brother, let’s go to bed.” He wrapped his hand around Loki’s wrist gently, lifting him slowly. Thor had figured out that if he stayed as calm and gentle as he possibly could, Loki seemed to respond better. And for Thor, that was sometimes a little difficult, but he was getting better.
To Thor’s surprise, Loki complied with Thor's smooth requests as he continued to lightly pull Loki up from his chair. Thor could feel the pressure lift from his shoulders as they walked into the living room.
Loki slipped from his grasp before he could argue.
“Loki-” Thor started, but bit his tongue when Loki walked around the couch to take a seat, pulling the blanket from where it was folded across the arm. “You want to sleep here? Your bed is more comfortable, Loki.” Loki seemed to ignore him as he got situated. Thor sighed, he was a little annoyed, but overall grateful his brother was at least laying down.
“Um.” Thor shook his head, focusing on Loki.
“What?” Thor asked, walking around the couch. Loki sat, the blanket bundled up around him. It was clear that he was trying to think, Loki tugged and twirled strands of his hair, as his brow was furrowed.
“Um-” He shook his head frustrated, and pointed to the tv, “That.”
“The tv? Loki-'' His shoulders slumped again. “It’s late, you need to sleep.”
“No. That.” He repeated, continuing to point. Until he let his hand fall as he leaned forward grabbing the dvd box holding it out to Thor. Thor didn’t even have to look at the name on the front, he knew exactly what disc he had been handed.
“Again? You’ve seen this a hundred times, Loki.” Loki only nodded, and Thor smiled slightly through his tired eyes. He put the dvd in, playing the movie. It was an old one, but still in color. He didn’t know exactly what Loki loved about it. It might have been the dancing, or the songs, it was colorful, and even though Loki had seen it many, many, times; he laughed every single time.
Thor would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy watching Loki laugh.
It was still the same old laugh he had grown up with. It made Thor smile every single time he heard it. Loki would giggle, then cover his face as he started to laugh, his cheeks burning red.
Even though their life hasn’t necessarily been easy, Thor could say he enjoyed this part of it.
Thor took a step back as the movie began to play. Loki layed down, his eyes glued to the screen. Thor scratched the back of his head, he could probably get a couple hours in before he had to start his day. Loki would be fine, he normally doesn’t move an inch once the movie starts.
Thor sighs, his hand resting on Loki’s shoulder as he passes. “I’m going to bed, brother.” He wanted to add, Come get me if anything is wrong, but Loki barely understands him half the time. It really wouldn’t change much. So Thor yawned, scratching his back as he shuffled down the hall into the bedroom.
***
Loki watched the screen intently, his eyes following the actors as they danced. He had probably only blinked a few times, not really aware of the amount of time actually passing.
He didn’t even flinch when the pounding on the front door began, or when it was practically kicked in.
“Excuse me, your highness?” Valkyrie yelled as she stomped down the hall. She paused once she reached the living room, “Oh. Hi, Loki.” She looked around the room, her hands fidgeting some. “Is Thor here?”
Loki didn’t move. Valkyrie didn’t like being alone with him, she knew that was bad, and it probably made her a horrible person. But she just didn’t feel comfortable. Especially since Loki needed a lot of attention sometimes. Thor had asked her on a few different occasions to stay with him while he was at certain meetings or business. Valkyrie had always said yes, because who was she to say no? It really wasn’t that bad, the times she had stayed. Valkyrie was always so nervous. She had heard Thor rant hundreds of times about things Loki had done, or fits he had thrown.
She just wasn’t as good as Thor in those situations. Loki was his little brother, he had a better connection with him, he understood him better. Valkyrie knew she would be clueless if she was in his position.
“Thor?” She said again, looking over her shoulder, before turning to face Loki again. She swallowed nervously before she cautiously took a seat at the end of the couch. She watched the movie for a few minutes, instantly remembering the other times she was forced to watch it with him. “You sure do like this film, don’t you?”
She didn't get a response, (not like she really expected one) instead, she flinched when the door down the hall opened. She turned over her shoulder to see Thor shuffling his way in, rubbing his eyes as he yawned deeply.
“Well, good morning your highness.” He stopped, looking at her. “You’re late for the council meeting.”
“Shit.” He groaned, rolling his eyes as he turned to go back into his room. Valkyrie shook her head, glancing at the clock.
“You should have been there an hour ago!” She yelled, her head laying on the back of the couch. She heard him grumble something in return, but she couldn’t make it out. She turned her head back when she felt a shift beside her. Loki was sitting up, the credits rolling on the screen.
“Hey?” She said softly. Loki looked in her direction, Valkyrie found herself wincing when she noticed the prominence of his cheek bones. He was thinner than the last time she had seen him. She swore it hadn’t been that long ago. “Are you hungry? Do you want breakfast?” She leaned a little closer, once he had turned away from her.
“No.” He nodded. Valkyrie paused for a moment, unsure of what he meant.
“Okay,” She said instead, standing up. He stood with her, following close behind as they walked into the kitchen. She opened the fridge, “Do you want cereal? I can make eggs-” She looked up to see him opening a drawer. “Oh. What are you getting?” She asked, walking over. Loki had grabbed some sort of midgardian food, in a metallic package.
“Okay that’s-”
“No, Loki.” She heard Thor’s gruff voice from behind. He walked up, taking the package and putting it back in the drawer, but not without a whine from Loki.
“What’s the problem? He’s hungry-” Valkyrie crossed her arms.
“It’s junk food.” Thor said shortly, as he sat at the table, tying his boots. “He needs to eat something that’s at least healthy.”
“He’s thin, Thor. Just let him eat whatever- at least he wants to eat.” She heard him huff something under his breath.
“I said no.” She rolled her eyes as he stood behind her. “I’m leaving, can you stay with him? It will only be for an hour.” Valkyrie bit her tongue as she nodded.
Loki turned his head, following Thor as he walked towards the front door. Thor grabbed the knob, putting his other large hand on his little brother’s chest.
“No, you’re staying.”
“No.” Loki tried to take another step, but Thor held him in place.
“No- Hey, I said no, Loki. You aren’t going. I will be back in a little bit. You stay here with Valkyrie, okay?” Thor tried to explain slowly. But as he watched his brother's eyes, it was clear he wasn’t comprehending any of it. Thor sighed, looking past Loki’s shoulder towards Valkyrie, “You’re okay with keeping an eye on him, right?”
“Yeah, of course. Now go- You’re already late enough.” She waved her hand, he nodded quickly as he shut the door. Loki stood there a moment, before he reached for the handle. “Hey, no- Let’s go get some breakfast.” She said, her hand on his shoulder, turning him around. His head swiveled so he could keep his eyes on the door. Like he was waiting for Thor to walk back in.
Valkyrie looked through the fridge again, her eyes glancing at Loki who sat patiently in his chair. His arms wrapped around his middle, his bony spine hunched as he leaned forward.
“Thor, can suck it…” She mumbled as she walked to the drawer, grabbing what Loki was begging for earlier. Pop tarts. Valkyrie had never heard of them, but the way Loki’s eyes lit up, told her he sure enjoyed them. “Here you go. Shsh- Don’t tell your brother.” He nodded, but she really didn’t know if he even understood.
Valkyrie sat on the couch, helping Loki open another pop tart, (He had almost made his way through the entire box) Valkyrie wasn’t complaining, though. He looked far too thin in her opinion. Her arms crossed over her chest as she tried not to doze off, she sat up a little straighter once she heard the laugh next to her.
She caught herself smiling.
Valkyrie shook her head, her hands grabbing her knees. “I don’t know about you, Lackey, but I can’t stay cooped up here all day. Let’s go outside.” She stood, turning to see Loki’s wide and confused eyes.
“Do you want to go outside?” She asked again, a little slower, gesturing to the door as she spoke. He looked in that direction, hesitating as he stood. She walked to the door, Loki not too far behind. She stepped out onto the porch, Loki poked his head out first then did the same.
“Thor doesn’t let you out much, does he?” She studied his face, but he only looked around blankly. “Hmm. Let’s go for a walk.” She took his hand, guiding him down the steps of the porch, and onto the dirt path. They walked slowly, Valkyrie didn’t mind. It was a nice day, a light cool breeze. Summer would be over soon, autumn was already setting in.
Valkyrie let him walk to the fields on the cliff sides, always staying within a few feet from him. There was only one close call when she had to run after him. He had seen a rabbit and started to chase it with open arms. Valkyrie wasn’t aware of just how fast he could run, it’s safe to say she was a little out of breath once she finally caught up with him.
She was laughing when she opened the door to Thor’s home, letting Loki walk in front of her. That’s why she ran into his back when he abruptly stopped.
“Wha-”
“Where have you been?! I’ve been looking for you!” She peeked her head out from behind Loki’s frame, seeing Thor at the end of the hall. His solid arms crossed in front of his chest.
“We went for a walk.” Valkyrie shrugged, taking a step in front of Loki.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You were in a meeting, Thor. It’s really not a big deal-”
“Where did you go?” Valkyrie shook her head in frustration.
“I told you,” She crossed her arms in the same manner Thor held his, “We went for a walk.”
“Yeah, I heard, I’m asking where did you go?”
Valkyrie threw her arms up, “Why does it matter?! We went to the fields, Thor! Is that okay with you?”
“Did you see anyone?”
Valkyrie scrunched her face up in confusion, “Why does that…'' Her words trailed off, as she stared up at him. Her face relaxed as she shifted her weight back on her heels. “Oh my Gods…”
“What?” Thor shrugged unknowingly.
“You’re embarrassed.”
“What?” He asked again, “Embarrassed of what?” He added a soft chuckle like he thought she was joking.
“Don’t play dumb with me, Odinson. You know what.” She watched as his eyes shifted to the side, she saw his throat bob as he swallowed nervously.
“You’re being ridiculous, Valkyrie.”
“Am I?” She challenged with a tilt of her head. Thor didn’t respond right away. Instead, she watched his fist clench and then release. “Look him in the eyes and tell him you’re not.” Valkyrie didn’t care that Thor’s glare burned a hole through her. But he never responded, at least to the words she said.
“Thank you for staying with him.” She could hear the anger that floated in his voice. “Would you mind doing it again tomorrow? I have to go to a UN meeting, I’ll be gone all day.”
Valkyrie shifted her weight from side to side, pretending to be thinking it over. “I’ll have to see what I’m doing,” Thor glared at her for that, “But I’m sure I’m free.” She added.
“Great.” Thor replied, with a smile that was so far from happy. “Come on, Loki- Norns, why are you so dirty?”
“I told you- We went to the fields.” Valkyrie shrugged, as Thor attempted to wipe the dirt off of Loki’s face. Loki swatted weakly at Thor’s hands, as his thumbs rubbed his cheeks roughly.
“What did he do? Roll around in the grass?”
“Yes.”
Thor looked at her, Valkyrie shrugged again, walking towards the door. “He picked you flowers. You better appreciate them, Thor.” Loki looked down at his hand, seeming just to remember the fist full of wild flowers he was holding. He held them out for Thor to take, with a huge grin on his face.
“Thank you.” Thor said, his chest tightening as he took them. Valkyrie was right, wasn’t she? He followed her to the door, “I’m not ashamed of him.”
Valkyrie glanced over her shoulder, “Okay.” For some reason that response angered him. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Thor.”
Thor shut the door as she turned, taking a deep breath. He turned back around, he knew he had to relax. Dealing with Loki when he was in a bad mood never turned out well for either of them.
“Come on, brother,” He draped an arm around Loki’s shoulders, “You need to wash up.” Loki didn’t resist when Thor guided him down the hall to the bathroom. Thor got the water running, and he stood from the edge of the tub to start getting Loki undressed when Loki hummed pointing to Thor’s hand.
“What?” Thor huffed, looking down at the flowers he still had a grip on. “Oh, right- I’ll be right back, Loki. Don’t move.” Thor walked briskly to the kitchen, grabbing the first vase he saw. He wasn’t exactly sure if it was even a vase, it might have been just a tall cup. But it will work for now.
“Okay,” Thor clapped his hands when he turned the corner in the hall. “Loki…” He groaned, as he stood in the doorway of the bathroom. Loki, already in the water, fully clothed. Thor sighed, pinching his forehead as he took a few steps forward into the room, “I told you not to move.”
Loki didn’t act like he heard him, or that he actually cared. Thor tried to let it roll off of him the best he could. It’s not a big deal, he repeated in his head. Loki was dirty, and so were his clothes. Really just taking care of two problems at once.
Thor kneeled by the tub, he grabbed the soap and rag, beginning to scrub Loki’s cheek. Loki swatted at Thor’s hand ineffectively. His nose scrunching up with discomfort as Thor continued.
“Hey, I wouldn’t be doing this if you hadn’t decided to roll around in the grass.” Thor said, dipping the rag in the water again. He paused, his hand holding his brothers. “Did you...like it? Did you enjoy going outside today?”
Loki only looked at him with the same big curious green eyes he always seemed to hold. Thor nodded, his thumb running over Loki’s knuckles.
“Valkyrie may be right, although...I don’t want to admit it.” He expressed softly. Thor swallowed thickly, clearing his throat as he tilted Loki’s head back, grabbing the cup on the side of the tub, brushing the water through his brother’s tangled curls.
“It’s not that I’m ashamed…” Thor continued to talk aloud, pushing the water back down his brother’s head again, keeping it away from his eyes. “Really, I’m not! I’m just…” Thor sat back on his heels, his words eluding him. He sighed, looking up, his eyes leaving the tiled floor and reaching back for his brother. Loki wasn’t paying attention to Thor, he was too busy being distracted by the water rushing out of the faucet. He was swiping at it, or trying to grab at the water in his fists. Thor dragged a hand down his face, rubbing at his temples.
“I’m not ashamed, brother… It’s important to me that you know that.” Thor confessed, although Loki still didn’t acknowledge him. “I just worry what people might say… I’m worried how they might treat you… I know I shouldn’t- I know it’s none of their damn business. But I just…” Thor’s eyes fell back down to the floor. “I don’t want them to see you like this… because this isn’t you…. You’re not…” Thor had to swallow in order to get the words out of his mouth, “You’re not supposed to be like this, brother.”
When Thor looked back up, he wasn’t expecting to see Loki’s green eyes staring back at him. Thor flinched back an inch, because for a solid second Thor saw his brother staring back at him… his brother, not this shell that he has become. But it quickly faded.
“Loki-”
“I’m done.” Loki declared, the water splashing over the side of the tub as he started to get up.
“Wait, hang on- Hey, I haven’t washed your hair yet, Loki sit down-”
“No, all good.” Thor huffed, his shoulders slumping as the fight inside his chest gave out. He flicked his hands, looking down at the water that had landed in his lap, soaking his shirt and pants.
Thor had to fight Loki to get into some dry clothes. He was very determined to just keep the soaking clothes on, but Thor tried his best to reason with him. Thor eventually prevailed, he succeeded in getting his stubborn brother to change.
After Thor had taken his own shower and changed his clothes, he dried his hair off with a towel as he walked into the living room. Finding his brother on the couch where he had directed him to be. Thor stood there a moment, his eyes wondering over his brother and the tv where his attention was glued to. Thor sighed, tossing the towel into the open laundry room door. He walked around the couch, taking a seat. He glanced over at his brother, his gaze transfixed on the screen of animated characters.
“Valkyrie’s going to stay with you again tomorrow. Is that alright?” Thor said, not really knowing why he always tried to give his brother this information. Part of it was because it made him feel better. He knew he probably didn’t even have to talk to his brother, Loki would probably be fine just existing quietly in Thor’s presence. But Thor felt like maybe it helped his brother, subconsciously anyway. He wasn’t exactly sure if Loki retained any of the information Thor ever gave him, but Thor liked to pretend he did. He liked talking to his brother, even if most of their conversations were one sided.
“I’ll be gone for most of the day, so it will just be you two. I’ll try to be back as soon as I can.” Thor stretched, leaning his head back on the back of the couch. “You’ll be good for her, okay?” He glanced over at Loki, who was still focused on the cartoon playing on the screen, “Don’t throw any of your fits or argue with her, alright? We don’t want to scare her away, she’s the only babysitter I have.” Thor’s eyes widened, and he sat up straight, “Not that you need a babysitter, that’s not what she’s doing, that’s not what I meant! I just- but she’s- She’s keeping you company. You don’t want to be here by yourself, right?” Thor waited, like he expected a response. But Loki hadn’t even noticed his brother’s sudden outburst, or panic in his voice. Thor sighed, part of him was hoping for some sort of reaction.
He sat back, crossing his arms over his chest.
He could only imagine what his brother would have said a few years ago if he had ever given the indictaction that he needed a babysitter of all things. He probably never would have heard the end of it.
Thor rested his head back again, letting his eyes fall heavy.
***
Thor flinched, jolting from his short nap. The house shook from the sudden cap of thunder that sounded overhead. Thor had to take a second to gather his surroundings, he noticed how dark it was outside, he must have napped longer then he intended, that and the collection of storm clouds casting over the small Asgardian town.
He rubbed his eyes, looking over at his brother, who looked far more shaken from the sudden loud sound. He was almost trembling, his eyes were wide and his face had gone pale.
“Hey, Loki, it’s alright.” Thor said, reaching for his brother’s arm, “It’s just thunder.” Thor rubbed Loki’s arm, trying to get his attention. Thor’s hand ran over the goosebumps rising up on his brother’s cold skin. His big fearful eyes stayed glued to the ceiling. Before Thor could say another word, a loud clap of thunder shook the house, a flash of light could be seen from the window.
Loki immediately doubled forward, holding his hands over his ears as he shoved his face into his knees.
“Loki, it’s okay-” Thor brought his hand to his brother’s back.
“Stop it! Stop- Make it stop!” Loki cried into his lap, wrapping his arms around his head.
“I-I can’t, Loki. It’s not how that works-” Thor tried to explain softly.
The storm continued, Thor was able to get Loki to unravel himself from his fetal position. It took a lot of persuading but Thor managed. Loki was laying down now, his head on Thor’s thigh, blankets pulled up to his neck, his fingers wadding the fabric of Thor’s sweats tightly everytime thunder would sound and lightning would strike.
They sat and watched tv through the storm for an hour, everything was going fine. Thor had finally gotten Loki to calm down, sure he would tense everytime a loud boom would echo through the sky, but Thor would just rub his shoulder and he would relax again. That was until the power eventually went out.
There was an especially strong roll of thunder, the sky outside flashed white and then the lights in the house flickered and ultimately went out, the screen of the tv going black as well.
Loki dug his nails into Thor’s thigh, which made the older God flinch with pain. Loki quickly sat up reaching for the remote, pressing the buttons, that ultimately did nothing. He whined, shoving the remote into Thor’s chest.
“I- I can’t fix it, Loki. The power went out, we just have to wait.” Obviously, Loki did not like that answer. He whined as he began to rock, his fingers getting tangled in his hair as he started to dig his nails into his scalp.
“Hey, hey- Loki, it’s alright.” Thor scooted closer to his brother, trying to gently wrap his hands around his bony wrists. “It’s okay, we can do something else. Do you- What about a puzzle? Yeah? Do you want to do your puzzle?” Thor suggested, he felt his brother’s muscles relax. His arms were no longer tense as Thor was trying to bring his hands away from his head.
Loki glanced to the kitchen, and then back at Thor.
“Come on, I can light a few candles. It’ll be alright.” Thor slowly tugged Loki up off the couch, and led him into the kitchen. Loki was biting on his nails, and his steps were shuffled. He was still tense, still hesitant. The storm was still happening, and the rain was pelting hard against the glass. His eyes shifted nervously to the chaos outside. The wind blew harshly against the side of the house.
“It’s okay, Loki, it’s alright.” Thor said, pulling out a chair and pushing Loki’s shoulder down slightly to get him to take a seat.
Thor did what he said he would. He lit a few candles, setting them up around the table. Loki had already started on the puzzle, even though he couldn’t see a damn thing. Thor guessed he didn’t really need to see in order to force wrong pieces together, but he lit the candles anyway.
They sat there for almost an hour. Everytime it would thunder, Loki would jump and Thor would rest his hand over the top of his brothers. Rubbing his knuckles smoothly in order to get him to calm down.
It wasn’t long until the lights flickered back on. Thor could see the relief on his brother’s face.
“See? It’s alright.” Thor said, squeezing Loki’s hand reassuringly. Thor blew out the candles, getting up from the table. He stepped over to the window, watching the force of the wind blow against the trees in their yard. The sky was unsettling dark, and it lit up every few minutes with flashes of light. Thor wasn’t expecting it to storm so violently, he knew there was a chance for rain, but he wasn’t prepared for this.
He knew Loki didn’t like storms, that was very evident, but his brother’s distaste for rough weather has gone back to before either of them could properly remember. Thor could recall the nights where the sky would flash with lightning, and the thunder would roll throughout the night. He had gotten in the habit of staying up just a few hours later than normal on nights like those, because he knew eventually his bedroom door would creak open and his little brother would shamefully poke his head in, hoping to see Thor asleep so he could just quietly climb in bed with him. But Thor liked being awake when Loki would seek shelter from the storm. He didn’t like the idea of his brother quietly suffering beside him. So Thor would wait up, even if his tired and heavy eyes protested against him. He would perk up when there would be a small tap on his door.
Loki would take a couple shuffled steps into the room, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. His cheeks would always be wet with tears, he’d wipe his running nose on his sleeve, and his voice would shake as he’d ask Thor if he could sleep with him. Thor didn’t know why Loki always asked, it wasn’t like he was ever going to say no. Thor would throw back the covers and open his arms up and Loki would run to his bedside, Thor picking his little brother up and into his arms.
Thor looked fondly back on those distant childhood memories…. It felt like forever ago and just yesterday all at once.
“Thor-”
He froze for a minute, having to regain his thoughts. Once he realized he wasn’t imagining it, he whipped around to his brother’s voice.
Thor could count on one hand the number of times Loki has actually spoken his name within the last few years. The instances have been few and far in between.
Thor turned, seeing his brother still sitting at the table, turned on his chair to look back at Thor.
“What- What is it, Loki?” Thor said, having to stop the racing pace of his heart. He didn’t know why he always got so excited when his brother actually acknowledged his existence, maybe because he thought it was a sign that his brother was actually improving.
“Water.” Loki said, turning back to the table. Thor walked away from the window and towards his brother’s side.
“Water?” Thor repeated, leaning on the counter, “You want water?” He asked. Loki looked up and nodded. “Okay, I can get you some.” Thor sighed, turning to the cabinets above the counter.
Loki got up from the table, going to Thor’s side. Thor filled the glass, and handed it to his brother. Loki reached for it graciously, taking a much appreciative sip.
Thor turned back to the sink, noticing that he probably should have done more work around the house today, other than just laying around. The dishes needed washed, the trash probably needed to be taken out. He huffed, he would get to it tomorrow or well, the day after since he has that stupid meeting, he huffed. He turned back around, catching the moment that another loud clap of thunder caught his brother off guard. Loki’s shoulders shot up as he jumped with fear, the glass falling from his grasp and to the ground, where it shattered at their feet.
Thor’s breath hitched just because he was also taken by surprise by the loud roar of thunder, and also by the shattering of the glass. By the time he realized, Loki was already leaning over to try to pick up the mess.
“No, no, no- Hey, don’t touch it-” Thor grabbed Loki’s shoulder, trying to get him back up before he got his hands cut up by the glass. Loki stood knocking Thor’s hands away, Thor’s chest immediately tightened. He knew this was going to be bad. Loki’s face was red, and he was starting to breathe quickly. His hands shot up to his head where he started to tug at his hair. He took a few steps back away from Thor.
“Hey, hey, hey- I’m not mad. I’m not mad, Loki. It’s okay, it was an accident. It’s okay-” Thor tried to calm him down before he really got himself going, but it was no use. Thor stepped over the mess of glass, trying to stay in his brother’s eye sight. He held his hands up, not touching Loki, just hovering in front of him. “Loki, it’s okay. You’re okay, I’m not mad- See? I’m not mad-”
Loki shook his head, starting to hit himself violently as he continued to cry and whine. Thor knew better than to touch him, it would only set him off more, but he had to at least get his fists away from his head.
“Loki,” Thor begged, “Loki, please, brother, it’s okay-” He touched Loki’s wrist, trying to bring it away from his head.
Loki started to scream and he threw himself back away from Thor. He shoved himself into the corner of the counter, in the corner of the kitchen.
Thor brought his hands up and took a step back. “Okay! Okay- you’re okay. See- You’re alright.” Thor took a deep breath. His hands falling back down to his sides. He gave Loki some space as he retrieved the broom and dustpan to clean up the mess in the kitchen floor. When he came back with broom in hand, Loki had slid down to the floor, still shoved in the corner of the kitchen, his knees pulled up to his chest and he cried roughly behind his legs.
Thor sighed, his heart aching with pain. He knew his brother had been overstimulated all night, the storm wasn’t helping, he was on edge already and this was just the tipping point. Thor shook his head, trying to figure out a way to get his brother to realize that this wasn’t his fault, but Thor knew he probably wouldn’t have much luck. He knelt down and began sweeping up the broken shards of glass. He gathered it into the pan, looking up he saw his brother’s bloodshot eyes peeking up over his knees. Thor deflated as he watched Loki crumble further into himself, he started to rock, hugging his knees closer into his chest.
Thor sighed, standing back up and throwing the mess into the trash can. He sat the broom aside, walking slowly back into the kitchen.
“Loki, it’s okay, I promise.” He said gently.
Loki shook his head, he pounded his fist against the side of his head, “No- Dumb! Dumb! Dumb-”
Thor lunged forward, kneeling in front of his brother, grabbing his wrist. “Loki, you are not dumb- Don’t say that. Okay?” Loki fought weakly against Thor’s grip, “Brother please, look at me,” Thor begged, but Loki continued to shake his head and try to wiggle his wrist free from Thor’s grasp. Eventually Thor let go, and Loki curled back up, his arms wrapping around his legs again as he ducked his head.
Thor sighed, sitting back on his heels.
Thor took a seat across from Loki, sitting crisscrossed, his head back resting against the chair behind him. He waited for Loki to either wear himself out or fall asleep. Thor knew there probably wasn't another way out of this particular episode. Usually he could bride or persuade Loki into something else, distracting him in a way. Thor didn’t see that working in this scenario. So he sat and waited.
The storm eventually died down, now it was just the light tapping of rain against the roof and windows. The wind howled every so often but it wasn’t as bad as before. Thor had almost fallen asleep himself, his head began to tilt and he flinched, waking himself up. He rubbed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He looked up at Loki, his body was more relaxed and his shoulders weren’t shaking anymore. Thor didn’t hear him crying either.
Thor straightened up an inch, “Loki? Brother, do you want to go to bed?” Thor asked calmly.
Loki shifted, his head popped up an inch, and Thor saw the confused press in his brows. Loki lifted his head, and Thor saw the stream of blood running from his brother’s nose. Loki looked down at his blood stained fingertips and his eyes widened. Thor jumped to his feet as fast as he could, while Loki was already starting to panic again. He had reached his hand out towards Thor, as if showing him the blood. He started to flick his hands, trying to get rid of it as he started to whine and scream.
Thor grabbed paper towels, running the edge of the paper under the sink.
“Loki’s it’s alright, it’s okay-” He knelt back down in front of his brother who was wiping his hands down the front of his shirt. Thor brought the towels to his nose, trying his best to clean the mess up quickly, “Sshshsh, it’s okay, you’re alright.” Thor kept repeating softly. With one hand he pinched his brother’s nose, and with the other he rested it on the back of Loki’s head, rubbing his thumb gently over his curls.
By the time Loki’s nose had stopped bleeding, he had fallen asleep against Thor’s chest. Thor cleaned him up a bit more, making sure the blood stains were off his fingers and face before he slid his arms underneath his brother’s body and lifted him up. Thor knew his brother was thin, but he felt so much lighter in his arms as he carried him back to their room. He laid him in his bed, Thor knew he should probably get him to at least change his shirt, but he didn’t feel like fighting with him or risking waking him up. So he let it be just this once.
Thor pulled the covers up to his brother’s shoulders, his thumb brushing over Loki’s temple. Thor stood back up, a tired yawn escaping him as he dragged a hand down his face. Perhaps he was more exhausted than he realized.
He shuffled his feet back towards his own bed in the opposite corner of the room. As his head hit his pillow, sleep overwhelmed his body.
***
When Thor awoke, he was surprised to see Loki still asleep in bed. His back was turned towards him, and he was curled up under the blankets. Thor was used to waking up to see Loki’s bed already empty, or being nudged awake by his brother. But this morning was different. Thor let it slide, he knew his brother wasn’t that good of a sleeper to begin with. Thor was lucky enough to get his brother to lay down for a few hours a night. If Loki wanted to sleep in, Thor was more than happy to let him.
Thor, however, unfortunately had to start his day. He had a plane to catch in a couple of hours, he knew Valkyrie would swing by soon. He still had things to get done around the house, he wasn’t exactly expecting Loki or Valkyrie to do the dishes while he was gone.
So, he forced his aching knees to carry him down the hall and into the kitchen. He brewed a pot of coffee and started to clean the best he could with so little time. Periodically, he would look over his shoulder, expecting to see his brother shuffling down the hall or having snuck to the living room to watch tv. But it never happened.
Thor glanced at the clock, it really was odd that Loki would still be in bed so late, but Thor knew he hadn’t slept very well in the past few days and the night before probably wore him out. Thor knew his little brother was probably just mentally and physically exhausted. So he let the tension fall from his shoulders and he wiped down the counters.
He decided to fix breakfast before he left, so he scrambled some eggs and fried some bacon. He hoped Loki would actually sit down and eat it, but he knew he couldn’t win every battle. Thor clicked the stove off, hearing the front door open. Valkyrie came around the corner of the kitchen, standing in the doorway. Thor glanced over his shoulder at her, still sensing the unspoken tension between them.
Valkyrie leaned against the frame, crossing her arms, her eyes wandering around the kitchen.
“Shouldn’t you be leaving soon?” She asked.
Thor sighed, taking the plate of eggs and bacon to the table. “Yes, I still need to change, but I’ll be out the door soon.” Thor said, straightening up. He peered over Valkyrie's shoulder, seeing the empty living room. She looked in that direction as well, hearing Thor’s sigh.
“Where’s Lackey?” She asked, turning back to the thunder god.
“He’s still asleep. We had uh… we had a rough evening yesterday.” Thor rubbed the back of his neck. Valkyrie pulled a chair out from the table, taking a seat. “He didn’t particularly enjoy the storm.” Thor said. “He threw a bit of a fit, but he eventually calmed down. I’m sorry, but I don’t think he’ll be in a very good mood today. I’m sure he’ll be grumpy and exhausted.” Thor explained.
“That’s fine, I’m sure we’ll be okay. Go get changed, you don’t want to be late.” Thor nodded to his friend. Wanting to express more, he still had unsaid words weighing heavily on his tongue. He wished to continue their conversation from the day before, but he knew they probably didn’t have enough time.
He scratched his neck as he walked back into the bedroom, pushing the door open slightly as he entered. His eyes scanning over his brother’s still curled up sleeping form. Thor felt a sense of nausea wash over him. He didn’t know why he was so worried, Loki used to sleep much later when they were teenagers. But since the incident, this behavior was very unusual.
Thor fought against the sick twisting in his gut as long as he could. He got changed into nicer clothes. He sat on the edge of his bed, lacing his boots up. He tilted his head towards his brother’s back. He chewed on his lip, contemplating whether or not he should wake him. He knew Loki would probably be expecting Thor to be there when he woke up, seeing only Valkyrie might confuse him. Thor really didn’t want the female warrior to have to deal with any more of Loki’s fits if they could properly be avoided.
Thor huffed, his hands on his knees as he stood from his bed and crossed over to the other side of the room.
“Loki,” He said as he neared his brother’s bed. “Brother, I’m leaving. I made you breakfast, do you feel like eating?” Thor asked, but was given no response. He wasn’t really expecting one directly, but he was partially prepared for a whine or something. But Loki laid perfectly still. Thor’s brow pressed and he took a seat on the edge of Loki’s bed. His hand coming up to rest on Loki's shoulder.
“Brother? Come on Loki, wake up.” Thor shook Loki’s shoulder, and Thor felt his stomach drop as he saw the amount of blood staining his brother’s face and clothes. Thor stood up, grabbing his brother’s shoulders and pulling up flatly on his back. “Loki!” His fingers dug into his brother’s arms as he continued to shake him. Loki’s face was peacefully rested, his nose and mouth stained with dried blood. His shirt, pillow, and blankets were all stained with a dark puddle from where he had been laying.
“Loki-” Thor’s voice began to shake, he could feel the air being ripped from his lungs.
“Thor’s what’s-” He could hear Valkryie’s voice from behind, she stood frozen in the doorway, her eyes widening at the scene, “Thor-” She said carefully.
“He’s- He’s not waking up-” Thor’s grip tightened on his brother’s arms. He looked over his shoulder, seeing Valkyrie’s fallen face. “He’s- He’s not-” Thor wasn’t made aware of the tears starting to run down his face, or the amount of fear in his trembling voice.
Valkyrie met Thor by his side, her hand coming to rest on his shoulder.
“Thor, I-”
“He’s not breathing-” Thor gasped, his palm pressed to his brother’s chest, “He’s- He’s not breathing- Why isn’t he- Why is he-”
“Thor, listen to me-”
Valkyrie tried to get Thor’s attention but it was already too late. Thor had started to hyperventilate, his nails digging into his brother’s arms as he squeezed him tightly. Thor was yelling at Valkyrie to call an ambulance, but his own voice didn’t actually register to his ears. Everything was so loud and silent at once. He felt Valkyrie's hand leave his shoulder as she ran out of the room. He felt his knees hit the floor as he crumbled next to his brother’s bed. His screams and sobbing were muffled as he buried his face into his brother’s side.
***
Thor sat at the kitchen table, the house unsettling quiet.
His hands resting limply in his lap as he stared at the completed puzzle displayed on the table in front of him.
There was this ball of knots resting in his belly, it twisted with discomfort. It hasn't let up since… He thought it had gotten better- He thought he had gotten better. It has been a couple of weeks now… weeks without his brother. The house has been silent and disturbingly clean. Not a thing out of place… But yet everything felt wrong.
Thor brought his hand to the surface of the table, scratching his nail against the wood.
In all honesty, Thor thought the funeral would be the worst part, but it wasn’t… He was a fool to think that… He had already cried every tear he had left by the time the funeral began. He stood there amongst his friends and colleagues, his face completely still and his body feeling numb. No… The funeral wasn’t the worst part, it was coming home after, alone, quiet, empty…
Thor ducked his head into his hands. It has been weeks, and he was still trying to come to terms with it. He still woke up every morning expecting to see his little brother in bed, or when he walked around the corner of the hall he anticipated he would see Loki curled up on the couch watching that dumb fucking movie.
Thor’s breath hitched as he sucked in a gasp.
He thought he was done with crying… He wanted to be done, but apparently he still had a few tears left.
Thor rubbed at his eyes, they were so sore… they burned with every tear that fell to his cheek.
An aneurysm.
That’s what the doctors had to explain to Thor, that’s what took his little brother. They said it was brought forth by his past injuries and triggered by exhaustion and stress.
Thor continued to hold his head in his hands, his fingers tangling in his hair as he pressed his nails into his scalp.
He should have known… He should have known something was wrong.
Thor had cried a lot in the past few weeks, but he has also been dealing with another overwhelming emotion. Rage.
Thor stood, he swiped the pieces of the puzzle off the table and they went scattering across the floor. He yelled into the air, his fists clenched at his sides. His chest bubbled with anger. With hatred. With loss.
He left the mess he created be. He didn’t feel like crawling across the floor on his knees to retrieve every broken and worn out piece of that damn puzzle.
So he sat on the couch. Basking and drowning in the silence of his small little home. His eyes fell to the dvd case sitting on the coffee table. He sat up, his fingers trailing over the cover of the laminated box. He opened the small case, seeing the worn out disc inside. A tiny voice inside his head told him to break it in half… He could easily snap it in two, his brother wasn’t there to yell at him or whine about it… his brother wasn’t there at all.
He didn’t know why, but he got up, putting the disc into the player for probably the hundredth time. He honestly didn’t know how the disc wasn’t broken already.
He sat back down on the couch, watching the movie begin to play. His eyes drifted to the blanket folded across the arm of the couch. He brought it to his lap, he tugged it, pulling it up to his chest. He closed his eyes as he took a breath, his nose filling with the scent of his brother.
He tried to hold it in, his nose burned and his eyes began to sting. But he couldn’t- He broke again. I didn’t think he would ever get to the point where he didn’t break down to tears from the sheer remembrance of his little brother. Maybe he would eventually, maybe he would get to the point where he could look back on the memories and not be sick to his stomach, or cry so hard he would be close to throwing up.
Maybe he would be able to miss his brother, instead of being so heartbroken and in pure agony like he was now. Maybe he could miss him instead of long for him.
Maybe he would get to that point in a century or two, but right now it was too painful. The feelings are too raw. The pain is not distant enough.
Thor curled up, hugging the blanket close to his chest, while he continued to watch the movie, hopelessly trying to imagine his brother laughing beside him.