Snow

September 2015 - Washington D.C

She found herself standing in front of a fallen box, the only belonging she had left. When it fell down it reminded her of its existence. Old photos sprayed everywhere on the dark wooden floor. Some of the photos were tinted from the years, others covered with a thin layer of dust. One picture seemed to have grabbed her attention, she took it carefully and gently blew on it. The dust was falling everywhere as the rays of the sun illuminated the room and gave the feeling that it was snowing.

To her surprise, it was her in the picture. Her and what seemed to be her family, because they all looked alike.

This should’ve reminded her of her childhood. But it didn’t. Because she had no idea of how her childhood used to be and it hurted her. Not quite enough to bring the tears, but enough to make her sad. She would love to be without worries or cares. She wants to feel innocent again, happy again, carefree again, loved again, and to be relieved of the burden life gives her.

But why couldn't she remember more of it ?

They all seemed happy in the picture, standing in front of a house, smiles spread across their faces, genuine smiles with creases under their eyes which shone with such a brightness. This single picture seemed to be so precious, except that she couldn't remember anything about the people on it, or about the house behind them. Her mind was like a book, except that it was missing many, many chapters. 

She felt empty, not remembering was hard. Because it was parts of her that were missing, part of her life, her being, her existence, part of her.

What happened ? Why ? When ? 

So many unanswered questions popping in her head every time she tries to move on.

However, when returning the image, an address was written on the back. It seemed that she finally had found her first lead to some answers. She hoped.

4 Lamont Landing, Upstate New York

That's where the frame took her. To Upstate New York. Except that what was in front of her looked nothing like what was in the picture. There was no house. Maybe there was one before but now it was what looked like a warehouse currently under construction or building improvement.

She could read on the side of the warehouse ‘Stark Industries’, there was no house anymore. The lead she had for her answers and memories vanished. She sat desperately on the stairs, holding the frame tightly in her hand, asking herself how will she be abl-

“What are you doing here kiddo ?” someone said behind her, she didn’t bother looking up at her interlocutor when she replied “I’m not a kid.” The man shrugged and went standing in front of her, “If you say so miss grown-up woman, but you still didn’t answer my question. What are you doing here ? This is private property”. 

She didn't take her eyes off the photo, her index finger hovering over the figures on it. She couldn’t not look at them.

“I was looking for this house”. She said, handing over the photo to the man standing in front of her, her gaze looking up straight at him, “Wait, you’r-” 

“Tony Stark, yes I know, I’m sorry I can’t do anything for you” he said, as he walked away. She stood up and ran after him, calling him, “Wait ! Please. I just need to know where those people went”, she was pleading with him, she needed intel. 

He turned back and took her shoulders, “Look kid, I’m sorry, I’m busy here and I don’t have time for this” he said and again he started to leave. 

Fear, anger, guilt started to run through her veins, for the last time she tried to reach for him, asking him to wait again, but he didn’t turn back, he wasn’t listening anymore, he was reaching for his car when she called him out again.

This time it was different. 

She didn’t mean to, she didn’t want to lose control, she didn’t want people to know. But she did, she lost control and when she had called him, her powers manifested themselves as they were intimately linked to her emotions, her feelings, her fears, her anger. 

Her powers then took over and the air turned freezing and ice covered the ground causing Tony to slip. She gasped, she wasn’t ready for that, she didn’t mean to do that, she ran to him and helped him get up while constantly apologizing.

He was more than surprised to see someone with such abilities, his gaze towards her changed completely and he understood that she was lost and needed help. Determined to bring it to her, he reassured her and promised her that everything was fine and that it was nothing serious.

He helped her because he had seen in her eyes the fear, the same fear he experienced many, many times. The sadness they held reminded him of the time when he learned about his parents death.

This was the start of their great friendship. He explained that the warehouse was under improvement for it to become the Avengers Compound and also a training base, research lab and everything. All records he held of the property had consequently been moved to Stark's tower. So he took her there with him, then helped her find the information she needed. Unfortunately for them, they were insufficient. They had found absolutely nothing about the people in the photo. Only that the house had been uninhabited for decades before it was demolished in the 1960s to become one of many Stark Industries warehouses and that the photo was taken around the 50’s, which means that her true age was around 70.

She confessed that this photo meant a lot to her, so much so that it was the only representation she had of what’s supposed to be her family, that she had no complete memories of her life, only a few pieces here and there. 

Then she never left, she officially became an Avenger and Tony her father figure. Even though she was older than him, but she looked younger, way younger, like she was in her very early thirties. Together, they deployed all their resources to find out more about her past. Thanks to Wanda, who later became one of her best friends, she was able to 'unlock' some of her memories, firmly hidden in the confines of her mind. Of course, some chapters were still missing but she had a stronger idea of what happened to her.

Present time - Berlin

The beautiful parts of life that people talk about, like music, dancing, the gentle breeze blowing on her face that gently lifts her hair as she hears it rustling through the trees, and the warm sunshine against her cheeks, traveling, friendships and connection. Fireworks, warm hugs. 

She once felt so much from those things. But now it's like numbed out, they don't carry weight. She doesn't feel much from any of the parts of life that once felt so beautiful and she is scared that she won't ever be able to find that again. She honestly felt so detached from who she was. 

Because she doesn't really know anymore. She has good moments, but she wishes those moments lasted longer. Just a bit longer before it went away because it's a tad tiring to keep chasing the dopamine highs at night to feel something, which ends up ruining her. 

Losing someone she thought was forever. Because of course when it started it was easy, talking and being with Tony and the Avengers was what brought her happiness but it ended in chaos and of course her mind only remembers the good moments because a part of her isn't just isn't ready yet to fully let go. But those emotions she felt, she felt alive, actually alive, she could breathe and the world was moving, the world had color, the world became more beautiful and she started realizing the beauty in it all.

She hasn't felt those things in a really, really long time. She just hopes she can find herself, be happy. 

Whatever that means. 

Feel things within herself. Feel emotion, feel joy. Be happy about the sunrises and sunsets with a smile on her face without the burden of having to fake a smile or simply not having one and wishing she did. 

She hopes that part of her is still there somewhere under all of this traumatic, depressing, chaotic shit. Because if there isn't anything, if she ends up not being able to find the beauty in things, the beauty in that morning coffee or, beauty of waking up each day, then there isn't a purpose for her anymore. But how hard this is to find herself, find worth, value in everything when she has been deprived of love, comfort, value, feelings of worthiness, for so long. 

She just wants to be better. She wants to be happy about the sunrises and sunsets.

Getting off the plane and joining Sam at the meeting point he had given her, Aspen wondered if she wouldn't have been better off staying in the United States, at home, in her apartment, rather than going to embark on a crusade with the Falcon. Those thoughts were cut short when she saw Sam. 

It had been so long since she had seen him. She remembers talking to him briefly at Tony's funeral and then nothing, since she had decided to go into exile and talk to no one. It was then that she questioned her decision to isolate her, she had missed Sam so much, and not only him, among all those in her family there was of course Bucky, who she missed above all, but also Wanda, who like her, had lost a lot in the battle of Wakanda.

“Long time no see Elsa. Where’s Olaf ? or even the ice castle ?” Sam said, chuckling before grabbing her and hugging her. He was kidding of course, and she knew it very well, he loved to tease her about being just like Elsa in Frozen and for a long time since Tony left she actually laughed. A genuine one, with the wrinkles above her eyes and the traits beside her mouth.

It felt good to see him, to laugh with him. He didn’t bother asking her how she was because it was evident that she was not okay, she’d gotten thin from the months of isolation, her cheekbones sharply jutting from her face and the bags from under her eyes despite the amount of makeup she had put on to hide it.

“It’s good to see you birdman” she said, she meant it, every word she said. But she came here for a reason and she needed to know the details of the mission before going further.

“So… What’s this all about ?” she asks Sam, who explained to her that a group of enhanced super soldiers, who calls themselves the Flagsmashers, that aspired to return Earth's governments and society to how it was in between the Snap and the Blip, and that they weren't afraid to use their super strength to achieve their goal. 

Just by hearing the little resume Sam made of them, she could see their points. Of course it was done in the wrong ways but she could see why they were involved in such a cause.

“Snowflake… ?” 

When she heard his voice, her eyes widened in surprise and she immediately recognized who it was.

It was him. 

Bucky. 

She knew it was him because she recognized his voice and because he used the nickname he gave her during their time in the hands of Hydra. He was the only one to call her that. The only one to know about it. Now Sam too because he heard it, and she was sure he was going to tease her about it just like he enjoys to do.

She immediately turned around to face him. He hasn’t changed in a bit over those last 6 months. He was still as handsome as he was the last time she saw him. His hair changed, they were cut short. It was nice. It showed his whole face. His eyes were still the same, shining blue. 

All her worries about being here evaporated when she laid eyes on him. It's as if their heart had started beating again when they saw the other. How she had missed him so much. His presence only was enough to soothe her.

“Bu-” she was letting his name out in a whisper when he interrupted her, “Sam, why did you call her ? I thought it was only us two !” 

touché

After all, why would he be happy to see her when both knew the way she acted and pushed him out. He had every right to be mad at her. She felt sorry for treating him so badly after Tony’s death, yet he needed help too. He had missed five years, lost a friend too, lost a chance to make amends to Tony and in the race of the recents events, he had lost her too.

“Calm down Bucky, I called her because we needed back-ups. And may I add that you didn’t ask my permission to join me the other day either” says Sam. Apparently he seemed to have a point because Bucky calmed down.

He came closer to Sam and her. He studied Aspen in silence. Although she had always been slim, she looked even more frail and weaker than usual. He looked at her up and down, examiniting her. She was now so pale she looked sick and malnourished.

If they hadn't known each other in the past, it would have been difficult to make the connection between the woman in front of him and the most beautiful young woman he had ever met before.

Once upon a time and despite the circumstances, Aspen always looked at Bucky with sweet eyes that shone. Now she avoided looking him in the eye. Her eyes were dull and bewildered, without the slightest sign of life and energy.

She was tired, bags under her eyes, she was sleep deprived. He saw how thin she had become over the months, looking at her fingers they looked like only skin on bones, her wrist, so thin that he could circle it with his thumb and middle finger. 

Her once beautifully shining white hair now seems devitalized, she seemed to have cut it, they were a tiny bit longer than shoulder length but a lot shorter than how they used to be, when they were reaching almost the end of her back. And her eyes, the eyes he remembers, those deep icy blue eyes were missing the shine they had before. The features of her face were sadder and more serious. Her dark brown almost black brows were frowned, her lips sealed when they used to be slightly parted. 

For Bucky there was no doubt, she had suffered a lot, hurted probably like never before and it showed. Her body being the map of what she's been through. 

Ever since he'd met Aspen, he thought he was the one who would protect her from the difficulties of their lives.

But in the end, he believed that all her suffering had been caused by none other than himself.

He regretted being harsh to her just now. He stood next to her, facing Sam, his fingers inches apart from hers. If he moved he could reach them. 

But he didn’t.

She was a little off beat, lost in her mind, thinking of how nice it was to see Bucky and now, to be so close to him. For a moment she lost track of time. 

“Sam, we don’t know how they’re getting the serum. We don’t even know how many of them there are !” 

She was sure that once he had learned about the serum, Bucky would have made it his priority to not let it fall into the wrong hands. And he was right, he was right to be careful about it because they all knew what kind of damage it could do when given to the wrong person.

“Look, let me just walk you through a hypothetical. Can I walk you through a hypothetical ?” Bucky says, his speaking rate quickened as he spoke. Aspen remains silent when Sam and Bucky’s conversation starts to escalate. 

“What did you do ?” accused Sam, “I didn’t do anything”

The opening of a door interrupted them both. All three of them turned towards the door that had just opened. Aspen even got into a defensive position, her eyes starting to glow a chilling blue and raising her hands in front of her in defense.

“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa ! What are you doing here ?!”  “No listen, I didn’t tell you because I knew you wouldn't let this happen” Bucky says, blocking Sam and as he turned to Aspen he says, “I’m sorry I didn’t know you would be here, I wouldn't have dragged you into it otherwise”

“Bucky, he’s dangerous. Why would you help him after what he did ?” Aspen said to Bucky, her hands still raised in order to defend herself if needed. 

“No, you’re going back to prison” Sam says to Zemo, “If I may-” Zemo started to talk before being interrupted by both Sam and Bucky who yelled “No !” at him, all the while Aspen didn’t take her eyes off Zemo.

“Apologies”

“When Steve refused to sign the Sokovia Accords, you backed him. You broke the law, and you stuck your neck out for me. I’m asking you to do it again” Bucky says to Sam and her.

In fact, he wouldn’t have even needed to ask her because no matter what, she would have stood beside him. 

“If we do this, you don’t make a move without our permission” “Fair”

“Okay Zemo, where do we start ?”