Chapter 10
A confession after an apology doesn't go well together. It's supposed to be one or another. Not a mixture of both. However, for Xiaoting, the sequence should be like that. Her confession will support the apology and, hence, is necessary. Very much to say the least.
Now, back to where they were, sitting in front of each other, Yujin is visibly confused. She's waiting for whatever Xiaoting has to say. She stared at her for so long that the younger fumbled to take hold of the bottle of wine to pour herself a drink. The stare is too much for her to handle.
"Unnie, I-I can explain. Please don't look at me like that." The girl pleaded when the silence lingered.
'No, you don't like me. You're not supposed to hurt the person you like.'
That's the first thing Yujin thought. She needs an answer. Not another reason to be confused. Still, she rests the harsh thoughts in her mind, and in her calmest tone, she said,
"Yes. Do that. I need an explanation."
Xiaoting gulped down the remaining drink in her glass before reaching for the letter again. The letter contains the words she wanted to say. She tried so hard to perfect it, even asking the members the best terms to convey her feelings.
But with Yujin's question, she was caught off guard with what to read next after blurting out that she liked their leader. Whatever, she has to trust herself, so she folded the paper away and exhaled.
"Unnie... I have adored you since." She started.
"I thought I only saw you as my only older sister in the group so I naturally became fond of you. But then... then... You make me feel things and it's not that of the usual. I only felt it when I was with you, so I could tell."
"And what do I make you feel?"
"Loved. You make me feel so loved and so happy. I get excited to be with you. Before I know it, I am already falling for you. It was easy. But then, things became harder. I-I don't know what to do after."
Xiaoting blinks away the tears forming from her eyes. She shifts her gaze from the petals scattered on the floor, the wine bottle, and the diffuser at the corner, to anything, but not Yujin. She isn't ready to see how the leader is taking this, but she has to continue.
"I thought of whether to tell you or keep it until I can. You already have a lot on your plate as our leader. I wouldn't want to add to that anymore. So I was holding it in and I was doing well. Although sometimes, I wanted more, I was mostly fine with what we were. Until our show in LA..."
Yujin follows through. That show in LA, it's when...
"When I told you I like you." She said softly.
"Yes, when you told me you like me. Oh, unnie! You have no idea how ecstatic I was at that time. I could've told you that I like you too, and we'll be the happiest people in the world. But because I was afraid, I didn't do that. I hurt you in return."
Xiaoting braves the worries she's feeling. She looks at Yujin and finds that the leader might not take her eyes off her. Yujin isn't saying anything, but her stares are curious, waiting for Xiaoting to clear the clouds above her head.
"I was thinking so hard that a concern led to another. First, I was afraid of risking the group. What if an issue broke out? What if they know? What if it affects our work? There were stacks of 'what-ifs' flipping in my mind, unnie. Then... then, I was getting too comfortable with you. Too much that I wanted to keep you by myself. Too much that my body naturally gravitates to you. I-I think your presence... it is consuming me."
Yujin felt the urge to hold the girl when she took a pause. She wanted to calm her down. The distress that her member has been in is shown by the furrows on her forehead, the frown on her lips, her tense shoulders, and her rapid speech.
"Ting, didn't I tell you that I liked you? Before... I told you that, right? You could've told me your concerns. We could've worked it out... together."
The leader said with a smile. But from her eyes, she looks sad. Xiaoting noticed that.
"Unnie, you know what is going to happen to us, right?"
"The contract?"
Yujin felt a lump in her throat. It's a fact that's still hard to swallow.
"Yes. I already get accustomed to you. That's why, I-I'm... I'm afraid of what will happen to me if we're not together anymore. If we get into that relationship... I don't think I can lose you. Unnie, we are going to be apart! And if you fill me with your presence and memory, what will I do if we'll break up? What will I do once the contract ends and I need to go back home? Unnie, it's difficult."
Saying that is Xiaoting's last thread of holding in. She sniffs in her tears but fails to keep it from falling.
"Ting, you can stop now, please. It's fine." Yujin grabs some tissues and wipes her member's tears. The younger, firm and stubborn, shook her head and forced a smile. She continues.
"I already like you so much, unnie. So... so I have to do something, anything, to stop myself from falling for you even further."
"That's when you... you pull back."
Yujin curtly added a hint of realization in her tone. It's making sense to her now.
"Pull back, told you my actions and words meant nothing, lead you on then distance myself. I thought that if I do that, I'll free myself of yearning for you. I thought that if I do it often enough, I'll finally convince myself that what I have for you is not serious and will fade soon."
Xiaoting took a pause to let out a sigh.
"And that's why I can't apologize to you properly before. I could just tell you I'm sorry but I know that wouldn't be enough. You got to have a reason and I'm not ready to tell you... all this. I'm so sorry, unnie. I'm sorry for being a coward. I'm sorry for hurting you. But please, please give me another chance, please? Last chance. I'll make it right this time."
The two are enveloped by silence after. Xiaoting is calming down from crying. She glanced at Yujin and saw her in deep thought.
"What changed your mind to do this?" The leader asked suddenly.
"Seola unnie." Xiaoting answered shyly. "She told me that my fear is making me do stupid things. But, I don't want to anymore. If anything, I wanted to make things right now."
"Seola unnie?" Yujin's mouth dropped to the ground. Who would've thought her closeness with Seola would lead to this very situation?
"Why?"
"I... I am jealous of her." Xiaoting sighs.
"It was difficult to see her with you. Her courage fazed me. I've been with you longer than she is, but when she came, I felt threatened that my position no longer stands beside you. She's there where I'm supposed to."
With a hint of grit in her voice, Xiaoting admits to feeling jealous of Seola. This surprised Yujin as she didn't know she could also be hurting her member during the times she was with Seola. Although none of it was deliberate. It's also not like she would stop herself from meeting with her friend. Xiaoting would understand that.
"I know I can still lose you. Maybe to her or anyone else. Or to the end of the contract. But if anything, I can't lose you to my fears. That's why I'm taking my chance. Hoping I'm not late yet." Xiaoting concluded with a thin smile.
The emotions calm down, and the sweet atmosphere earlier has turned melancholic. Silence engulfs the two again as they quietly sip their drinks. There's just too much to process and think about.
"Ting?" Yujin softly calls.
"Hmm? Yes, unnie?" The other answered, wary of what the leader was about to say.
"I just wanted to let you know I appreciate this. It's beautiful." Yujin said pointing around. "I also listened well. But... right now... I can't comment on anything." She forced a smile.
"I understand, unnie. Thank you for letting me know. Uhm... should we head to the dorm now?"
Xiaoting asked. She was relieved. At least she would soon hear from Yujin about this. The leader might still consider her.
But the relief is short-lived.
"You can go ahead, Ting. I'll wait for Seola unnie here."