Chapter 1
Yujin never felt this lost until now. She hopes she's in a maze at least. Anywhere inside it, she doesn't mind. She just wanted some hope. A hope to get out. Instead, she is put into a circle. Wheeling around. Toggling. No matter where it starts, it ends up the same. A cycle, much to her despair.
It doesn't help that the person who puts her in that situation lives with her, and will be doing so until a year more. She wanted to put an end to this. She had enough. It needs to stop. She can't be tossed aside when it's tough and be picked up again when it's convenient. No one deserves to be treated like that.
'Oh? Wow! Again?' Her train of thought got to a halt. The halt is in the form of a woman with open arms, wanting an embrace from her. The members are waking up. Her mind drifted far, she didn't even notice one coming. Her jaw dropped. Amusing, she thought. It's as if the same woman didn't give her a cold shoulder a few days before. She doesn't even know for what reason. It became a common setting for her actually. Like she thought, a cycle. They'll be inseparable. Then they're not. They'll make up with no explanations given. It will start with the cuddles. Then, they'll be engrossed in each other. After some days, she doesn't know where she is again. Is she just a friend? Are they more than that? Hell, she hates guessing games.
The woman whines at her, adorably though. She's like a baby waiting to be cradled. However, Yujin is done. She is not having it. Not anymore. She shook her head, and firmly she said: "If you want some hugs, we have seven other members to get that from. Excuse me." With a sigh, she continues, looking at her dead in the eye, "I'm tired."
A soft thud of the door brings back the woman to her reality. Yujin is gone from her sight. Her shoulder dropped. She plopped onto the sofa. What was she thinking? That Yujin will just always be accepting? She heaved out a heavy sigh. They came to this part now.
"Ting, good mor--- Oh? What's with the long face? Aren't you glad we're having a day off today?" Mashiro, a same-aged friend, is the first to go out of the room after her. She must have looked in distress now, judging from what her friend said.
"Of course, I'm glad. I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed." She answered. She wanted to tell her about what happened earlier, but it was too early for that conversation.
"Oooh. You should eat then. I'm cooking eggs. Want anything else?"
"No, eggs are fine. Thank you."
Maybe later, she can ask her friend for advice. 'Cause now the girls are coming out one by one. Soon, they gather around for breakfast. They rarely have moments where they eat together and do not hurry, so they took their time and have meaningful conversations. After that, they played some games. As expected, they had a lot of fun.
However, even after all the laughter, Xiaoting cannot seem to get light-hearted. She already felt that Yujin is indifferent to her. When they finished, the members split out again to rest.
Xiaoting took this chance to talk to Mashiro. She pulled her to their room. Her roommate, Chaehyun, is at the hospital for a check-up on her injury, so she got the room for herself at that hour. She gave her a chair while she sat on Chaehyun's bed. Mashiro is no stranger to hearing stories from her. She's been sharing things she couldn't share with Yujin. How would she raise a concern to Yujin if she is the cause of her concern?
Xiaoting runs down what happened earlier. Mashiro, in return, leans forward, indicating her interest in the story.
"I feel like something is missing. Yujin unnie wouldn't do that just because she feels like it. You're not telling me the whole story, Ting. What happened before that?" Mashiro furrows her eyebrows. Thinking, why could it be? But before Xiaoting could talk, Mashiro already answered herself. She rolls her eyes at her friend.
"Wait.. you did it again, don't you? And you think initiating a hug would solve it again?" Mashiro is disappointed. She shakes her head and clicks her tongue. If she can literally knock some sense into Xiaoting, she would have done it. She'll give her a big blow. She knows what her friend is doing. Xiaoting is pushing and pulling Yujin. Giving her mixed signals. Then acting like everything is fine. It's been a few times this happened. The first time she heard it, she already told Xiaoting to be mindful of her doings. Yujin is also her friend. She has to protect her too. But it repeated. Again, it did, and again, and again. Clearly, her friend is not listening, so here she is in the same situation.
"Look, Ting. I know you're worried. But you need to hear this. You're in the wrong. I've been telling you that. It's time to own the consequences of your action." Although Mashiro wanted to give her friend words of consolation, she thought her honesty would help more. Xiaoting needs to learn.
"Sorry, Ting. Yujin unnie has every right to treat you like that if she decides to. You put her through that tough situation for so long. Of course, she'll snap."
Xiaoting became quiet after that. She's digesting every word that her friend said. After a while, she spoke.
"Shiro, I care for her. Would it still be my fault if she misinterpret my actions?"
"You're really stubborn, aren't you, Ting?" Mashiro sighs. "You don't see where it went wrong? I'll tell you then. Friends care for each other, yes. It's a given. But, you... you do things with her that normal friends wouldn't. What kind of friend seriously considers AND attempts to kiss their friend on the lips? Or gatekeep them? Or get jealous when they're with other girls? Or flirts with them?" Mashiro paused to hear any explanations if there would be, but Xiaoting can't seem to find any. She continues,
"You treat her like you two are a couple. Then what do you do after? You'll drop her. Like a hot spoon, you accidentally touched. You set dates with her only to back out at the last moment. Because what was your reason last time? Aah. You'll have a video call with your friends. If you did that to me, you would surely hear words, bad ones! She canceled meetings for you, Ting. She frees her schedule for you. I don't know why you don't notice that."
Surprised by what she's hearing, Xiaoting wants to stop Mashiro from talking further. She gets it now. She gets it well. And she feels like an awful person. Mashiro, on the other hand, is also tired of what her friend is doing to Yujin, she still has something to say.
"You know what else you do? You give her mixed signals. For days you stick with her. Saying, unnie, don't leave me. Unnie, this. Unnie, that. Then after some days, you don't interact with her like usual. It's as if you're back on day one. God is good to you, Ting. For what you've been doing so far, it is only now unnie is tired."
Xiaoting is scolding herself inside now. She's partly aware of what she did. Maybe she gets too complacent. Knowing how much Yujin likes her, she got the feeling that whatever she'll do, Yujin will just accept it all. Isn't the leader kind of like that?
"What do I do now, Shiro?" The room is dim so Mashiro couldn't tell if it's just Xiaoting's voice that quavers. Or is she really on the brink of crying? She leans forward but her friend buries her face in her hands.
"Apologize to her properly, Ting. Then explain why are you doing that. I don't know how unnie feels in this situation so I can't tell if she'll forgive you right away." This time, Mashiro can hear Xiaoting sniff. She moves to her side and pats her back. She's really crying.
"I don't want us to grow apart, Shiro. I don't want her to get mad at me." Xiaoting looks at her friend, tears streaming down her face. Mashiro grabbed some tissues from Chaehyun's table and wiped her tears. She waited until Xiaoting calms down before she says anything.
"Ting, I don't know if you like unnie the way she does. Or if you just see her as a friend. I don't have to know that. But please, if you can't return her fondness for you, at least don't act that you like her too. Learn to draw the line between the two of you. You hurt her enough so that's the least you can do."
"I'm such an awful person, am I not? Did awful actions too." Xiaoting scoffs at herself. She's not a person who deliberately hurt people. She's unsure why of all people, she did that to Yujin. Her always sweet older friend, Yujin. Her Yujin unnie.
Mashiro's honesty has done its job to instill some sense in her friend. Assurance and encouragement are what Xiaoting needs next.
"We sometimes make bad decisions. But that doesn't mean we can't make it right. You just learned your lessons the hard way." Mashiro squeezes her hand prompting Xiaoting to look at her. When their eyes met, Mashiro smiles warmly at her. "You can still make it right, Ting. Trust."
Xiaoting finally let out a smile too. "I'll sure do."