The gentle rays from the full moon reached through the open window casting a glow over the picture on the nightstand. Two young men smiled into a long-lost camera taken by a forgotten person on a city street now changed beyond recognition. Steve discovered it a few weeks ago, tucked away in an old locker. Sam laughed when he saw it, calling it the ‘Before Times’. The more he thought about it, the more Steve liked the label. The Before Times. Before the enhancements, before losing each other and everything they knew. Back when they were just normal kids growing up on the streets of Brooklyn. The restored framed photo sat on the side table as a reminder of their lives before…
Beside him, the moonlight caressed Bucky’s back, highlighting his shape, his muscles, the tousled hair, his body barely covered by the sheets. His metal arm gleamed in the soft light.
A quiet memory drifted in of his awakening, back when he first noticed Bucky’s shoulders were getting wider, how he was filling out, growing taller, how very handsome he was, and how strange it made him feel. Shame? No, not really, but confusion. He was feeling urges, something he now knew was sexual attraction, but at the time he thought it was something that wasn’t supposed to happen.
Bucky stirred in his sleep. It was still there.
Steve rolled over on his back, his eyes on the ceiling. These days young people openly called it ‘experimenting with each other’ or ‘exploring their sexuality’ but for the two of them, there was no name for it, just stolen moments when they felt they could just be themselves, dreaming of a time when they didn’t have to hide it away.
That first night, his mom was working a late shift and asked Bucky to stay over. He’d done it before, but that night they were in the same bed, on top of the blankets, reading, talking,just as they had so many times before. Just before Bucky moved over to the other bed, Steve accidentally rolled over against him and much to his embarrassment, he was hard. Bucky noticed, pulling back with an odd expression on his face. Steve made up an excuse that he had to pee and ran to the bathroom, splashing water on his face, thinking it was over and now Bucky would treat him with revulsion because he was a freak…only to come back to find him shirtless, under the covers, inviting him back. Steve tentatively agreed, and removed his own shirt and slid under the blankets beside him.
“This is where we were always going to end up,” Bucky said. “We both knew it. Do you want this?”
Steve nodded, half afraid and unsure of himself.
"There's no turning back," Buck said, looking down at him. His eyes locked onto his, shifting, searching. "If you don't want to keep going, just say the word."
"I want this," Steve said, defiantly, refusing to back down from Bucky's gaze but at the same time not really sure what 'this' was.
Bucky smiled, that impetuous smile he always had right before he was going to do something and kissed him, his hand wandered across Steve's chest.
It would have been easy to say there were fireworks and instant passion but it was fine, as far as a first kiss went. Good enough that he wanted more. At some point, during the course of the night Bucky had whispered 'I love you." Steve believed him, and whispered it back. Looking back, it was amusing because they really didn’t know what to do other than kiss and fondle each other. Closing his eyes he recalled how he stopped fighting and gave into the sensation of Bucky's fingers wrapped around his swollen penis, what happened afterwards and returning the favor. Somehow Bucky was smart enough to slip into the other bed before Steve’s mom came home. He closed his eyes and could feel it now, Bucky’s fingers touching him everywhere and not stopping him, touching Bucky and enjoying the sensation of his warm skin against his own. Those were good memories but even back then he knew there were dangerous times ahead for people like them.
After that, things progressed, but it was difficult to find time to be completely alone. They were always constantly on the lookout to make sure his mom didn't come early, or that no one was passing by when they kissed. They worked hard to avoid any kind of suspicion because those times were so different. People were different. The sweetest, most compassionate person among them who treated sickly Steve with the utmost care would turn on him if they knew what he and Bucky got up to after dark.
At one point, they found a hideaway in an abandoned tenement building marked for destruction. An empty upstairs apartment had been swept clean, empty except for a mattress on the floor. The first time they went in there, Bucky gave him his first blowjob. He offered to return the favor, but Bucky said no, Steve's asthma might get in the way. Steve gave him a hand job instead which Bucky appreciated.
That was also the first place where they almost got caught. Thankfully they were done with their business and readjusting their clothes when they heard a noise downstairs. They crept out some side steps and heard voices in the room. Peeking through a window, they saw two men, apparently about to engage in the same activity.
"We better give them some privacy," Bucky whispered as they slowly made their way back down to the street.
Once back in a familiar alleyway, they stopped to talk.
"They're hiding, just like us. We can't keep doing this," Steve said. "Maybe...we should stop."
"My head says you're right, but the rest of me...won't let me. I guess I don't have that kind of willpower."
"I don't want to stop," Steve said. "It's just that...what if we get caught? They'll separate us."
"Let me take care of that," Bucky said.
And he did take care of it. He found places where no one went. Cemeteries, other empty places and buildings. He managed to time things perfectly when the places were completely deserted, but the best times were always the ones in his own bed, under the warm blankets, with everything familiar around them. Bucky always made sure they were up, dressed and eating breakfast, ready for the day by the time his mom returned from the night shift. If she ever suspected anything, she never said. Bucky thought of everything, he always made sure they had an alibi for their time away, saying they got lost or met up with some girls. Bucky knew Steve hated lying, so he was always the one who stretched the truth and he had a way of making people believe him.
Bucky turned over and once again, the sheet barely covered him. A slight breeze came through the window, causing the blinds to make a small noise as it tapped against the window sill. He stirred at the noise, opened his eyes, and glanced over at Steve.
“Can’t sleep?” He asked, his voice muffled.
“I was looking at the picture and thinking about us, before the war….”
A sly smile spread across his face. “You mean…”
“Yes, I mean that.”
“Oh the innocent days of yore,” Bucky said, laughing as he moved closer. “Fumbling around, finding out things as we went along. I always wondered about the sheets,” Bucky said abruptly. He reached over, caressing Steve’s side with his finger, causing a tickling sensation.
“The sheets?” Steve asked, puzzled.
“Yeah, we made a mess sometimes…”
“Oh that! Yes, we did. I always changed them…and because mom worked so much, and even though we had little money, she paid a lady to do our washing. Mrs. Murphy. She’d been around the block, so if she noticed, I hoped she thought it was just me…being a teenage boy. I've always wondered...how did you find those places...where we used to go?"
"It was one of my earliest covert operations. Remember that abandoned building where we almost got caught? I followed those guys....to see where they went. Don't look so shocked! I didn't really spy on them or anything. Just followed them long enough to find the places where no one went, and then there were other guys, and other places. It was a whole underground world. It's sad now that I think of it, having to live like that."
"Yes, it was sad. We were lucky. If there had been no war, if we hadn't gotten separated we might have lived like that, that is, if I had lived to get older."
"Don't," Bucky warned. "Just don't. Thoughts like that used to cross my mind and I dreamed about taking you away to the country...or the desert, or wherever it might help you. I couldn't stand to think of you not being there so I didn't." Bucky let out a little chuckle. “Remember that book?”
"Where did you find this?" Steve said, staring at one of the pictures.
"Mr. McGiver's bookstore. It was in a backroom, full of other things just like that. I saw those two guys go back there. Their names are Bob and Mike by the way.
"How did you get in there, and how did you get out?" Steve knew as soon as he asked he would get a vague answer. Bucky seemed to know all the secret ways in the city."Did you steal this?"
Bucky shrugged his shoulders."I put it in my jacket pocket and overpaid for something else. Told him to keep the change."
Steve sighed and went back to looking at the graphic illustrations. Some made him blush. "Do people actually do...all this?"
"Some people, I guess.
They experimented using it as a guidebook. Various positions, various techniques, some that hurt. Steve wondered why people engaged in such behavior, but who was he to judge. Others they enjoyed. Eventually they landed on a position and technique they both liked, even though it apparently went against the grain. They didn't care. They still had to hide, things, never really relaxing, always on the alert.
Then his mother passed away. It wasn't a shock, it was a long drawn out sickness but she never complained. Not once. She seemed more concerned about Steve, that he would be okay. Bucky was right there, promising her he would look after him. It was only after this assurance that she went peacefully in her sleep.
It was several weeks later when they got the key to their own apartment. To everyone else it made sense. Two young men sharing expenses until they became more settled in life.
Bucky flipped the latch on the door, locking them in, then turned to face Steve.
“So, this is ours, for a while anyway. How you doing?”
Steve shrugged. “Okay. I’ll always miss her, but she’s not suffering anymore.”
“I’ll miss her too, but this is exactly where she wanted you to be.”
“I guess.” Steve threw his coat down on the small couch and looked around. “So, this is home now?”
The place was sparse, just an open front room, a small kitchen, a bathroom and two bedrooms.
“For the time being, anyway,” Bucky said. “There wasn’t a lot to choose from. This is close enough to the old neighborhood, but not too close, if you know what I mean.”
Steve knew what he meant.
Bucky walked around the perimeter of the small apartment, closing the blinds as he went. There was really no need. They were on the top floor and there was really no need for anyone to come up here uninvited except the postman and he would come when they were both at work. He was doing it out of habit. He followed Steve’s lead and threw his jacket down on the couch and turned to face Steve, who immediately put his arms around his waist and pulled him close.
“I want you,” was all he said. They hadn’t been together in weeks, what with his mom slipping away and the funeral.
“You sure?” Bucky asked.
“Yes, I’m sure,” Steve replied.
“At least now we can do what we want. We don’t have to hide anymore.”
Up until now, they were always at least partially clothed because they might have to sprint away, or move quickly into separate beds, but now they could enjoy the sensation of each other's warm naked bodies against each other, the full skin to skin contact that was almost as enjoyable as the sex itself.
At first, they enjoyed their freedom, but things settled down into a routine, but neither of them minded and neither of them wanted to face the cloud that hung over both of them. Every day, the newspaper headlines highlighted another tale of doom from faraway places and the older people muttered in the streets about getting ‘dragged into Europe’s problems again.’ If things went as predicted, there was no way a young man like Bucky could remain at home…and perhaps not return, or if he returned, to discover the sickly Steve would have finally succumbed to one of his many illnesses. However, even if by some miracle Steve thrived and there was no war, two young men sharing an apartment long term would raise eyebrows. People would expect Bucky at least to marry and start a family. One solution was the possibility that they could somehow have apartments across the hall from each other. They were all unpleasant thoughts, and they were young…but it was always there.
“Remember the last night, before you left?” Steve asked. Bucky’s hand moved over to slide up and down his thigh.
“Yes,” Bucky replied. “I wanted to hold on to you forever…”
“But that deserted French farmhouse, during the war…when we got separated from the outfit. We made up for a lot of lost time."
The house obviously hadn't been occupied for a while. They had gone through it room by room, noticing the dust, finally coming to a bedroom. The look they exchanged, Bucky being hesitant for once, Steve reading his mind and nodding.
"Are you sure?" Bucky asked.
"I would hope the owners of this house wouldn't object to a couple of soldiers who are helping to liberate their country having a little R&R," Steve replied, removing his helmet and unbuttoning his shirt. He remembered throwing it to the floor, and Bucky staring at him.
"Damn Steve," was all he said.
They somehow knew, this would be the last time, for a long time and they were desperate, doing their best to make the night last. Steve was finally able to return the favor of the blowjob, joking that they no longer had to worry about his asthma, but he had to be careful. He hadn't realized how much stronger he was than Bucky. It was a strange reversal. Once again Bucky had the presence of mind to move to another room before dawn, before the rest of the team found them. Steve remembered him standing in the doorway of the bedroom across the hall, pretending to have just woke up and going along with the jokes from the others about finally getting a good nights sleep in a real bed.
It took a while for Steve to realize Bucky wasn't ashamed of what they were doing, but he was doing what he always did. He was protecting Steve's reputation, and their relationship.
“After you became you, the way you are now, I didn’t know if you still wanted…” Bucky said.
“Of course I still wanted you. You stayed with me when I was a sickly little wimpy kid. I wasn’t about to let you go…”
"Damn but your stamina increased. I wasn't ready for it, but it was great. We still had to hide.”
“Yes,” Steve said. “There we were, fighting for our country, but still had to hide.”
Bucky shifted his position and with his movement a small bright dot of reflection from his metal arm played on the opposite wall.
"Steve, if you don't want anything to do with me, it's okay. I still feel the same, but I'd understand." Bucky sat on the edge of the chair, staring at the floor in front of him.
"I'm not leaving you."
"You don't know the things I've done, I've..."
"YOU haven't done anything. Hey," Steve knelt down in front of him, reached over, putting his fingers under his chin, forcing him to look up. Their eyes locked, shifting and searching. "I always knew you were in there."
"I'm not good enough..."
"Bucky, I've said it before and I'm saying it now. it's always been you and it will always be you. I'm happy to have you back...please believe me"
"If you're sure."
"I'm sure."
"Things won't be the same," he said. "We'll have to adapt."
"Of course they won't be the same. I've changed, you've changed but who we are deep down, we're the same."
"I didn't mean that. I meant this," Bucky reached up and ran his metal fingers softly down Steve's cheek.. "I mean this thing...we're going to have to learn to adjust if we ever want to...you know...."
For the first time in a long time, there was a hint of a smile on his lips.
Morning came. Steve lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. It had been a night of uninhibited pleasure. It had started out as a joke, but they did everything they could remember from that infamous book that felt good. They discovered that they could 'recover their strength much faster than was normal, and they took advantage of the fact.
Bucky rolled over and opened his eyes, smiling as he caught his eyes.
" I guess this means we learned to 'adjust'. I hope it wasn't a problem."
"I barely noticed."
"Yeah, right, you're trying to spare my feelings, but I don't care."
"Last night was...almost like our first time."
"We've known each other for almost a hundred years and this was our first time?"
Steve rolled over to face him.
"I mean...the first time we were equals. One of us wasn't stronger than the other. The first time...we didn't have to worry about someone finding us...and carting us off to jail...or worse You don't have to sneak away to protect us. We're finally...free."
Steve was brought out of his reverie to the sensation of Bucky’s hand cupped around his privates, gently squeezing them.
Steve closed his his eyes and gave himself over the feeling, just like he did that first time long ago when he allowed a much younger Bucky's warm hands to wander under the blankets.
Steve’s cock was rigid now. Bucky stroked it causing Steve to let out an involuntary moan at the sensation. His partner moved over to straddle him, his thighs gripping him, and Steve could feel his hardness as he reached over to open a drawer on the nightstand and grab a small tube. Squeezing out a dollop, he greased Steve’s penis and balls and his thighs. His body reacted on its own to the sensation of fingers gliding up and down on his cock. He watched as Bucky closed his eyes and coated his own. He then laid down on him and kissed him while gently rubbing the underside of their organs against one another. Steve realized what he was doing and synchronized his own movements. Harder, faster, the feel of his skin against his own, their whole bodies rubbing on each other, Steve's cock pulsing and throbbing against Bucky's movements and his throbbing motion in response, Bucky vocalizing his own pleasure, calling out his name, burying his face in his shoulder, the friction on the most sensitive parts of their bodies creating mutual pleasure for both of them, their bodies stiffening together at the moment of intense ecstasy…and then they both came all over each other. They lay there a moment to catch their breath.
“Damn, that was beautiful,” Steve said, still breathing hard. He could run ten miles in minutes, but Bucky could still wear him out. “Still messy but still my favorite thing."
Laughing, Bucky stayed on top of him for a few minutes before reaching over and pulling out a roll of paper towels out of the nightstand, intended for this very purpose.
“Just like the old days. That’s the price we pay,” he said, throwing the wet towels on the floor after he finished wiping them both down.
“I remember we convinced ourselves that wasn’t illegal. It's not sodomy. Just two guys getting extra close...
"And who happened to continually bump into each other. The things we told ourselves,” Bucky said, throwing himself back down beside him. “I remember what you said when we finally got back together. Now we can live together. No one cares. No sneaking around…we can fool around whenever we like, however we like, for as long as we like,” he said as he cuddled up against Steve. “Despite everything we went through, you missing so much, and me and my issues, if none of that hadn’t happened, we would have lived out our lives putting on a front…living conventional lives, hell, maybe even have gotten married to women and been miserable, made them miserable or getting arrested…but because things happened the way we did, we’ve got this now. We’ve come a long way.”
Steve took another long look at the picture of the two young men who had to keep their forbidden love a secret, and gave a thought to Bob and Mike, the two men Bucky had followed so long ago who had unknowingly helped them circumnavigate through the dangers zones of the past. He wondered what had become of them and hoped they ended up in a good place.
He reached down to kiss the top of Bucky’s head.“You’re right. We’ve come a long way.”