Love me in spite
Peter B. Parker was a handful of a man. Even for himself. So how in the hell he was able to pester Miguel constantly without backlash is beyond him. Not that he's complaining, he finds that when he's able to get the grouch alone he can actually have a lot more fun with him compared to when their in public.
Peter chalks it up to some repressed toxic masculinity that Miguel has yet to let go off. You'd think that years of wearing all spandex he'd get move past it but whatever.
In the present moment Peter has just done nothing short of coming out to the one person he has been on guard from this entire time even though he has been, not so jokingly, jokingly pursuing Miguel for a while.
Peter sees the recognition in Miguel's eyes when he clarifies that the name is a 'his' and not a 'hers' and he sees nothing else. Nothing letting him know that Miguel had cracked the case and found out that he himself was the mysterious him. Nothing showing discomfort but nothing showing he was too happy with the answer.
Maybe this was the best response Peters overworking mind could've gotten. He thinks that this is why he likes Miguel. He knows when to shut up. Miguel often doesn't have the right words, that's obvious, but he is silent when it counts.
Like right now. When they sit now only inches away from eachother in silence. Peter looks at his face skittishly and it takes everything in him to not blush. More from embarrassment than being so close to his crush but both play crucial parts in the pink hue that covers his ears.
Miguel breaks the silence with a small. "Cool"
And they continue their night as normal. Their playful banter has a slightly more strained sound from both of their overthinking and the room all around feels sticky and cold.
Peter breathes it in and forces it out and he hopes that even if Miguel doesn't love him, or even like him, because it seems to soon to be using the L word. Miguel will hopefully, maybe, consider him as a choice at one point in his life. Even if only to forget about her and get his life on track Peter doesn't mind.
He's been around Miguel long enough to know that he would never intentionally do something to hurt Peter but he wonders if she could be enough. Logically the answer should be no because as important as she must be she isn't even important enough to be introduced. Peter just about slaps himself for how egotistical he sounds but could he be blamed?
There's a uncomfortable feeling that Peter swallow and chokes on because it's all him and no one else. And so he swings in his hammock thinking and doubting and wondering, because if there's one thing he's learned in life it's that he cant get hurt if he doesn't let himself be hurt.
But that rule seems to fly out the window when he looks at Miguel's side profile for the umpteenth time that night.
"So will I ever meet her?"
It's more of a test than Miguel realizes.
"Probably not." Miguel answers after a small wait.
How could he? She doesn't exist how Peter thinks she does. As true as that may be Miguel can't just admit that she exist as the face looking at him with eyes that are more conflicted than they think.
"I get it. Every man has his secrets."
"She's not a secret."
"What is she."
Miguel wants to say that "she" who is Peter, is a lot because right now Peter sits near him with seemingly endless questions of, himself.
"She's more of a promise."
Peter stares at Miguel for a bit.
"You know out of all the stupid philosophical bullshit you say thats gotta be in the top ten."
Miguel rolls his eyes.
"I mean I'm not hiding her away, at least not intentionally, but I just haven't gotten to her yet. You know?"
Peter, in fact, does not know and that is evident by the look on his face.
"Like I plan on an us I just haven't gotten to it yet."
Peter gets that. He gets it so much that he has to look away from Miguel only letting out a small hum.
"Does she know that?"
Miguel looks at Peter who is not looking at him and he takes in every feature he can.
"I don't think so, at least I hope not."
"That seems counterproductive." Peter whispers.
"Wha?"
"Nothing."
What was counterproductive was forcing both himself and Miguel to sit in silence that was occasionally broken by a joke that would sometimes land.
Peter B. Parker was a handful of a man and yet only now has he realized that counted for all aspects of him. Hours after his visit with Miguel, AKA his coming out, AKA the most embarrassing night of his life, he makes his way to Gwen's dimension where he ends up finding her a top some apartment building that looks to old to be up to code.
"Should you really be up here, this place looks like it's gonna collapse?" He ask her presenting himself to her.
"It already did a few months back."
Peter just nods his head.
"What are you doing here?" Gwen's asks taking off her mask.
"Just checking up on one of my most capable mentees." Peter lies and he lightly punches her arm.
It's a bad excuse and they both know it.
"OK. First of all you were never my mentor," She got him there. "And two what do you want?"
Peters face drops but he still keeps up his bit. "OK maybe you're right about the forst part but why can't I just check up on a friend?"
Gwen just stares at Peter her arms crossed im disbelief and Peter sighs. He was an open book just as much as he was a burden.
"Fine. I need some help."
"With?"
"I maybe need help confessing to someone."
Gwen continues to stare at him. "And your first though was to ask a kid?"
The judgmental look on Gwen's face was quickly overriden by the laugh that escaped her. And in her defense she was right this was kinda pathetic, after all a grown man should be able to handle his own problems or have another, more well adjusted, adult to rely on.
"Its just a silly little crush and I just need a quick piece of advice." He tries to rationalize.
"A crush. Do adults even have crushes that seems kinda dated for you don't you think?" Gwen teases.
"No. Adults have crushes and it's totally normal!" He yells defending himself.
"Whatever. Just, I dont know, talk to them like the adult you are or get them gifts. Romantic stuff."
Peter nods. "Romantic stuff, right. I can do that. I was great with doing Romantic stuff for MJ."
"Didn't she divorce you?"
"Techinicalities." He says opening a portal to his dimension.
"Not a technicality if you- " Gwen doesn't finish her sentence before Peter cuts her off with a web to the mouth. His aim had gotten better from the short training session and he's thankful for that.
"Technicalities!" He yells on his way out.
Once Peter's in his apartment he plans a way to woo Miguel. He only makes it 10 minutes until he's stumped and starts rethinking his conversation with Gwen. Stupid Gwen being correct and stupid crush for being an outdated construct for someone his age.
His frustrations don't stop him from dreaming of a life where this was a bit easier than it currently is. Where him having a crush is age appropriate and where he can just walk right up to the brooding man and pour his heart out. Truth be told he could probably do that now but in his made up version that interaction probably goes a lot better than it would if he were to actually do so.
He wonders how long it would take for Miguel to ask him to return his watch and he wonders how long it would take him to forget about his feelings. His eyes catch glimpse of sloppily colored on paper and he wonders how long it would take Mayday to forget him or if she would at all, he knows he couldn't.
He worries a lot but then he allows himself to dream again and he dreams of the confession being reciprocated dramatically. Miguel would pull him in and they'd smile at eachother and Lyla would say some crappy joke about Miguel actually dating someone and then they'd laugh.
He dreams of the nights they'd spend together whispering kind words and praises to one another. Peter is confident that he could say infinitely nice things about Miguel but he's unsure if this is true for him. If they were to partake in such activities, would those praises be sung to the galaxies or would they be whispered to the dewdrops that rest upon the grass.
After it all he supposes he'll never know, not after hearing that it was a her, but he figures its better to let bygones be bygones and get it all out of the way tommorow.
That was the plan until tomorrow became the next day and that became the next week. Now a week out from the intended date Peter has had a lot of time to think and doubt everything and so when he does work himself up to enter Miguel's office again he freezes up conversation wise just swings.
This silence carries out for a long time, much longer than either of them have ever endured until Lyla pipes up.
"Anyone have a knife I can use to cut this air with?"
Peter lightly chuckles appreciating the interruption from the deafening silence he hates.
"Use one of Miguel arm swords." Peter suggest and Miguel finally speaks up.
"Parker, how many times do I have to tell you those aren't swords and they're not removable."
"Then why are they so sharp huh? What are you doing with those things? Just walking around with them?"
"Yes. That is exactly what I'm doing with them."
"Oh. Well, you shouldn't it's a huge waste, although I prefer that display more than the cape." Peter smiles knowing that the cape was a sore subject for Miguel.
"Why, what's wrong with my cape?" The questions comes out with more of a pout than Miguel intends and Peter can't help but laugh and swoon all in one.
"There's nothing wrong with it it's just, ya know." Peter promts
"No. I don't know."
"Nothing Miguel. It's perfect."
They leave the topic alone for a bit until Miguel's speaks up again.
"I think it looks cool."
"It totally does. Right Lyla?" Peter says trying to rectify his judgments.
"Totally boss. I never think you look dumb wearing it." Lyla chimes in.
"That didn't help." Peter whispers.
Miguel just rolls his eyes, ignoring the two with a soft. "Whatever."
The atmosphere afterwards is lighter and they're back to joking aground how they used to. After two hours they die down a bit now only asking stupid questions. They just finished a nice discussion regarding childhood TV shows that ended up in a pretty heated squabble regarding SpongeBob. (Some things don't change, even across dimension. They figure SpongeBob is one of them.) Humming Miguel thinks up a question his eyes looking at the ceiling in thought. Peter takes this time to examine him and is reminded of his fairly, obvious, boy crush on Miguel.
His ears change color as Miguel looks at him with a question.
"So are you a chance or fate kinda guy?"
What an unexpected thing to hear.
"I guess I'd say chance, butbitd be nice to believe in that type of thing."
Miguel raises a brow.
"Fate. It sounds like it could be a good thing to believe in but I'm more pragmatic than that."
"Fate implies something that is predetermined and unchangeable. It doesn't sound like a nice thing to me."
Peter mulls over Miguel's response and thinks over every word he said because Miguel's correct. Fate is an impenetrable force of believed in and no amount of peagmaticism can defeat belief.
Peter should know that better than anyone. The next few seconds are silent as Peter recuperate himself and Moguel waste no time asking another question.
"After you die what would you come back as?"
The question is childish. So childish it almost throws him off. Truth be told Peter has thought a lot about this and he knows what he wants to come back as.
Peter wants to come back as an enamored galaxy. A body with cosmos, stars, and planets that will go admired for millennia after his discovery and destruction.
Something that isn't an answer but is just as important as it is that he also knows that he wants Miguel to admire him now, in his most primal form, before he is a cosmic body and before he is his own destruction so that Miguel can say he was the first, and so he can say that he was loved before he was beautiful.
But all of that is too philosophical and too much of a confession so he lies.
"A squirrel."
"Of course."
"What do you mean of course?"
Miguel ignores the question and in turn Peter ignores Miguel ignoring him and walks up to him.
"What do you mean of course."
This goes on for a few minutes before the man gave up sitting back down on his hammock. Peter liked Miguel partially because he knew when to be quiet and he, in fact, did not.
"Whatever."
Peter decides to call it a day and leaves as quickly as he can to avoid cleaning up his mess. He's successful but he hear Miguel shout his name.
In his apartment he finds himself upset at the lack of 'bygoning his bygones' that actually happened. He revels in his dissapointment before making up his mind.
"Next time." He says to himself unsure if he was lying or not but he knew other than to believe himself.
Peter can be considered a lot of things when he's particularly fond of someone and foolish is one of those things. It wasn't his fault though he just was really good at giving love. That's how he ended up with MJ and Mayday and ended up losing her too.
Peters mother, for the short time he knew her, had always told him he was a big lover and he took pride in that. The love he gave
unconditionally to his fans, Aunt May, and his friends. A love that was second nature, a love like gods. Worse than all, a love he couldn't spare for himself.
Peter B. Parker is a handful of a man, even for himself, and he hasnt gotten any easier to handle.