Always the Friend, Part 1 of 2
Have you ever just laid on your bed and stared at the blank ceiling? I do this on the regular, but mostly when I need a moment to collect my thoughts on a certain blue eyed man, who just happens to be my best friend, and who I happen to be absolutely 100% madly in love with. It's cliche, I know, but he's literally the sweetest human on the planet, and he doesn't even realize it. So when you want to pretend, just for a moment, that your life is truly perfect, you fall into this fantasy daydream where you imagine you tell him your feelings, he smiles at you, grabs you around the waist, cups your face and kisses you stupid. After a moment he also tells you that he has felt that way and has for awhile. You sigh, as you force yourself to come out of the day dream, because that's all it is... a dream.
You jump slightly at the knock on your door. “Come in!"
The door opens and there stands the man of your dreams, Bucky Barnes. You don’t move from your spot, and try to force yourself not to look at him because if you did, your know you would shamelessly gawk at the specimen. Bucky shuts the door behind him, before he silently walks over to the other side of the bed, and lays down next to you. He's so close that your arms are touching just barely, causing goosebumps and a slight burning sensation. Your heart rate quickens as the smell of his cologne wafts into your nostrils. Home. But still as to keep your thoughts a secret, you force yourself to continue staring at the ceiling.
“Since when has the ceiling become to interesting, Bella?” He asks softly.
The nickname he gave to you, and you alone, causes those butterflies to go even harder, making you feel nauseous. You know he's looking at you, and so you decide to peek at him from your peripheral. He turns onto his side and faces you giving you a small smirk as he observes you.
“Y/N, is everything okay?” He asks after a few more moments.
You scold yourself for not saying anything. You need to snap out of it, because if you don’t he will use his Jedi mind tricks to get you to spill your secret and then you just know your friendship will be over, which is the last thing you want. You finally sigh and turn your head to look at him. He's just absolutely beautiful. His blue eyes are so clear, you swear you can swim in them. His lips are so plump and pink, you just want to attach yourself to them and never let go.
“Y-yeah, I’m good. Just a little lost in my thoughts. What’s up Buck?” Bucky furrows his brows at you. “You want to talk about it?” He asks.
You shake your head. “Nope. I’m good. Promise. Now to what do I owe this pleasure, Bubs?” You say with a smirk.
You can tell he still wants to press you, but decides against it. He gives you a soft smile. “Just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out for a bit. I feel like we haven’t hung out in awhile, and I missed you.”
You look down toward your hands for a moment. Feeling a bunch of different emotions since you have been avoiding him, slightly. Only because he recently got a new girlfriend, and you knew that you didn’t have the heart to watch him interact with her. Watch him hold her hand, kiss her, hold her, look at her with all the love you wish he would pass your way. Stop it!
You finally look back at him and give him a fake smile. “Yea, I’ve been busy. Sorry, but um… yea sure. We can hang out for a bit. What did you want to do?”
As he was about to open his mouth, his phone rang. You saw his expression brighten, which told you who it was. You avert your eyes so he doesn't notice the pain in them. He has a quick conversation with Emily, his girlfriend. After he hangs up he looks at you apologetically.
“Sorry Bells, Emily just told me she got us tickets to a movie. I know it’s kinda rude to cancel when I just asked you to hang out.” You shake your head. “No, it's totally cool. Go hang with your girl.”
Bucky looks at you, feeling guilty. He really wanted to spend time with you. “Why don’t you come with us. You can bring someone so you don’t feel like the 3rd wheel.”
Well that idea sounded worse than a root canal. There is no way you can hang out with him and Emily. “No thanks. Not really in the mood to leave the tower today. You go have fun.”
You know you sounded pathetic, but you honestly felt pathetic. Bucky kisses your forehead and promises you that you both will hang out tomorrow, before leaving your room.
–
The next day Bucky ditches you again. Turns out Emily made spontaneous plans again and he couldn’t break them. So out of the tower he goes. You're sitting in the common room, watching TV, when Sam and Nat walk in. They look at you confusingly.
“I thought you and Bucky had plans?” Nat asks as she comes to sit on the couch with you.
You can’t help but roll your eyes. “Yea, so did I. But apparently Emily made plans and he couldn’t break them.”
Sam scoffs and sits on the other side. “He's an idiot.”
You've been holding in your emotions since Bucky ditched you, willing yourself not to cry. But with the current conversation, you couldn't hide it anymore, so you look at your hands as tears start to form in your eyes. Nat sees this and wraps her arm around you.
“Ya know, maybe you should just tell him how you feel.”
You look up at her surprised. How did she know? Who are you kidding, she's fucking Black Widow. But then Sam puts a hand on your shoulder. “What’s the worst that can happen with being honest?”
Now the tears were really flowing out of sadness, and maybe humiliation.
“Does everyone know how I feel?” You ask, looking at both, as they nod.
“I think he's too oblivious though, dumb ass.” Sam added.
You sigh and look at Sam. “The worst thing is that I ruin a friendship that means the absolute world to me. Even if he loves someone else, and will never feel the same... at least I still have some part of him. Yes it hurts he's choosing her over me, but she's the one he wants. I'm no one special.”
“Y/N, that's not true! I think he's been hiding his feelings for you too. He looks at you like your the best thing in the universe. He probably doesn't know you feel the same, so you need to be honest. If anything it will take a load off your chest. Look at you! You're miserable Y/N. I think you need to just get it off your chest. You will feel so much better!”
You shake your head and stand up facing the two on the couch. “What am I supposed to say? ‘Bucky, sure you're my best friend, but I am so madly in love with you it hurts!? Please choose me and not Emily?!’“
“What?!” You hear from the hallway leading to the elevator. You see Bucky and Emily standing there. Bucky with a stunned face and Emily looking pretty pissed.
"Guess I was right Buck. She's pathetically in love with you," Emily sneers.
You don't spare them another glance before you run toward your room, slam your door and lock it.
What the fuck were you going to do now. You knew your friendship is over. There is no coming back from this. A part of you was scared he was going to come to your door, but you were also scared he wasn’t. You decided to wait, trying to control your breathing.
After 30 minutes, you realize he wasn’t coming. Well there was your answer. He didn’t feel the same, and your friendship was over. You're stupid for ever dreaming of it being anything else. You decided to climb into your bed and cry yourself to sleep.
How will you face him after this? Why are you always the friend?