Love and Blunder"
Inspiration: "Maniac" by Conan Gray
Dumped Thor
Thor never listened to anyone when it came to matters of the internet.
“Don’t EVER check Reddit or Tumblr!”
“People suck, so don’t bother.”
“There are bullies and trolls everywhere!”
“Ha! I can handle trolls! I’ve slain them before!” Thor had declared, holding Mjolnir aloft with obnoxious pride.
Natasha shook her head. “No, not those kinds of trolls!”
Trying to get through Thor’s stubborn skull was a magnanimous task on a good day. Today, however, he wasn’t feeling particularly receptive, as he was still smarting ver the breakup he’d just had with a pretty young fan who’d wanted more than a few months of casual sex and dating out of him. She’d been glued to his side, clearly hoping to have an ‘in’ with the famous Avengers Team. Stark was the one who came to Thor and suggested she was a bit of a ‘gold digger.’ Thor, for his part, had been mature in leaving her, citing work obligations and a lack of desire to commit.
For her part, she’d thrown a vase at his face and sworn to ruin him.
Unfortunately for Thor, the young lady had left her accounts logged in on Thor’s small desktop that Stark had, for some reason, supplied him with in his apartment (despite knowing how oblivious Thor himself was to technology’s inner workings). At first, he’d shown decent willpower and avoided going under some of her accounts. Today, however, he finally was consumed by his curiosity and had to see how she was doing.
If she wants to destroy me, perhaps her secret plans are hidden somewhere here…
He scoured his former flame’s apps and message boards until he came across exactly what he was looking for: a long paragraph on Reddit that she’d posted regarding her ex…
Yes, I am the one who was dating Thor, God of Thunder, up until last week, and boy, am I glad I got out of that relationship! The man may be stronger than anything on Earth, but he sure doesn’t know how to please a woman--
“--brother?” Loki asked, coming into Thor’s room. Thor had forgotten to close the door to his apartment. “The quippy one, Stark, said you’re due for a medical screening today?”
Thor ignored him and kept reading.
The man is a maniac. He wanted me to be a part of his harem, and yes, he has a harem of like fifty women (and some men!) on his home planet. I was like “oh my god no!” but he insisted! He is a disgusting cretin of a creature, a stalker and abusive piece of shit…
“LIES! DAMNABLE LIES!” Thor shouted, growling angrily and using the little restraint he had to avoid turning the desk over.
“Norns, Thor, are you reading that fan fiction again?” Loki asked, leaning over Thor’s shoulder to read. “Thor is a terrible lover, and if you can believe it, for all of his throbbing muscles, the part of him that matters the most is the smallest part of his body!”
Loki couldn’t help but throw his head back and laugh. “It seems you’ve made an enemy out of a lover!”
Thor grunted, thinking for a moment, then smiling to himself, he went to type a response.
“What are you doing?” Loki asked.
“Getting revenge!” he said, typing furiously, erasing what he typed, then thinking again for nearly a full minute before typing something he was satisfied with. “There, what do you think? A reply worthy of your wit, Loki?”
He leaned over his older brother’s broad shoulder and read Thor’s handiwork out loud. “...no, that’s you.”
Thor grinned and nodded proudly.
“...and that’s your retort, brother? No, that’s you?”
Twisting his lip, Thor thought for a moment. “Do you think I should curse?”
Loki groaned. “Keep this in mind: you are logged in to HER account. What you say will seem like it comes directly from her. You could instantly debunk everything she says, you know. Why don’t YOU be the maniac?”
Biting his lip, Thor shrugged. “What do you suggest?”
“Let me sit,” Loki commanded, barely giving time for Thor to vacate his chair before Loki sat down and began to type furiously.
He read out loud as he wrote. “I was only writing this out of frustration for what truly happened…for you see, I have a rare disorder that forces me to lie whenever I can’t bring my partner to orgasm, for I am so bad at sex that even the insatiable Thor, God of Thunder, did not want to make use of my withered, dried loins…”
“Oh, uh, Loki, maybe not--”
“...and furthermore, it was I who was desperate for his company to the point where I stayed around the Tower all day, eating everyone’s food and interrupting their lives in order to procure attention for my sad, pathetic self…that last part’s true, by the way,” Loki interrupted his own monologue. “She was incessantly asking to be included in our meetings! As if she was an Avenger! Talk about who the real maniac is!”
“Loki--”
“--and, as if I wasn’t already ruining Thor’s day, I also took great pleasure in annoying his incredibly sensual and mysterious brother, Loki, God of Mischief. In fact, I only used Thor to get into the trousers of that beautiful specimen--”
“--OKAY OKAY!” Thor barked, shoving the keyboard off the desk. “I understand you now.”
He looked at Loki sadly, sighing and looking away. “I’ll log out of everything and get her out of my mind,” he promised. “It still hurts a little.”
Loki smiled and put an arm around Thor. “Then, we should cope the healthy way, by drinking until we both forget our names.”
Thor smiled. “Now that sounds like a good idea!”
“There’s a good god,” Loki said quietly. “Now, let’s forget about the crazy one, and we’ll get you some beer and poptarts.”