Hidden wish
Nobody was any the wiser about the changes happening inside Jason, and he wasn’t about to go making a big deal of it.
The bats only ever saw what they wanted to see anyway.
And he wishes he never remembered, because all he wants to do now is find a way back there. Back to what he feels is home more so then any part of Gotham.
(But Gotham will always have a part of him. He bled and cared and hoped for this city. He will forever be a part of Gothams city, and forever be tainted and morphed by her happenings. It’s home, but it’s not home. Jason knows in his core that he belongs here, but there’s only so much pushingpullinghatredneverchanging he can take of this city’s inhabitants before it doesn’t feel like home. It doesn’t have the people he wishes for in the night. Not anymore.)
He dreams of finding a way back to his life as Peter Parker, and being welcomed back with open arms (lieslies he can’t ever be him again, but he isn’t just Jason anymore, is he? Can you love someone you’ve never met? Tony and Mj and Ned? Wade and Frank would understand. Mercenaries in there own right. But would Matt? Spider-Man used to be more like him then Red hood will ever be.)
((that’s another lie, isn’t it? He’s always known rage. Especially Jason. Just like Murdock. The monster that now lies deep. The one that has only festered since his uncles death. The ones amplified by the Pitt.))
He regresses. And day dreaming will get him nowhere. (But magic exists in Constantine. Just ask. Plead if he must.)
He has a duty, and as much as he may want to hate Batman and his gang… Jason knows he couldn’t.
He wants to say they aren’t family But again, he never got anywhere lying to himself, but he also knows that feeling is very much a one way street. (Batman and Nightwing were never family. Bruce and Dick however…)
It’s a shackle, but hasn’t he gotten used to that?
Duty. Responsibility. Guilt and hope all mixing in. The pit and it’s rage. His own pain. Bruce and his need to be in control.
It’s all there.
And he needs to accept it and continue on with protecting the Gothamites.
Jason Todd is dead, without a cent to be shown in his name, or even a certificate declaring his revival and “false death”.
Of course, he knows enough of hacking to get that fixed, because hello, Peter Parker.
However, he has to prioritize, and Red Hood is still needed. More then Jason Todd.
… He knows he will only feel guilt if he chose the latter.
But, that voice in his head, telling him to just go his separate way, gets more insistent by the second.
One he will continue ignoring.
Because he can’t run. Not forever.
He does wander what he’ll face first though.
(He still selfishly hopes it’ll be the people from another life, if only to say good-bye.)