“Dad!”
Jess held Gwen back from reaching out. Suddenly, in the power-hexagonal cage, her dad looked afraid.
My name was Peter Stacy. And I was bitten by a radioactive spider.
Three years back, and she’s in a boy’s bedroom filled with pink, girly necklaces, toy ponies.
“Have you picked a new name yet? I like your haircut.”
She reached over to play with it.
“Stop,” he pushed her away, laughing. He gave her a shy smile.
“I haven’t.”
“It’s weird,” she said, “right?”
“Yeah. I don’t know if I’m ever going to get away from it – you know?”
“Yeah. You’ll always meet another person with that dead name. You’ll just always hear it.”
Anxiety and fear can dominate your life, until the only things you do are the ideas made by your fears. It’s scary, then – realising you were never a person. I was a mask of boy bones. A passenger in my own story. Just pretending... because I had no choice.
He got up, to go to his pink desk drawers. She watched him, curious.
“Here.” It was a wrist band, with pastel beads that spelled the name GWEN. “You can have mine.”
He held it out to her. She took it, and looked the beads over, fingering over each letter.
“Thank you.” She slipped it on. And it was the first time she’d felt cosy. “…Peter.”
Peter’s glasses fogged up with tears. He tried to keep it in, desperately wiping away at his eyes. Gwen moved over and held him.
I’ve changed a lot of things in my life. The colour of my hair when I was 9. My name when I was 12. And then, yeah, just… a whole lot.
At school, huge Ned knocked over skinny Peter.
“Sissy.”
Gwen, half his size, smacked Ned against a locker.
“Back off him, Ned.” She pushed him again, and he slouched off.
She knelt down next to Peter. He was looking over his phone that had fallen when he was pushed. The screen was ok, and Gwen saw dozens of pictures of herself, slowly changing over the last few months.
I didn’t know back then that it was the spider. But… I was scared that it scared me at first. And then, suddenly. it was just all the problems of my life slowly melting away.
“You should tell May.”
“No – she’s going through enough after Uncle Ben…”
“She took me in.”
“Yeah. She’s a good person.”
“You’re a good family.”
She smiled at him. It worked.
“Hey, you still rock that dress.”
She pointed to a recent picture on his phone.
“No, no – I tried it, but it’s not happening. It would probably fit you really well - you can have it.”
“Hmmm.” It was pink and frilly. “I’ll have to make some adjustments.”
“Yeah?”
“But how are you going to rock my old wardrobe without talking to May???”
“I-I will synthesize my own testosterone,” he said. “What? It would be easy.”
“But it could be dangerous! You have to monitor your blood.”
“So, I’ll just run some blood tests.”
She rolled her eyes, and punched him in the shoulder.
“Just don’t want to see you getting hurt.”
“No, I won’t. Alright?” He smirked awkwardly and they both laughed. “You’re looking great.”
“That homeless lady on the subway called me ‘miss’ yesterday.”
“See??”
“It was just your sweater.”
She laughed it off, but she was looking down at Peter’s phone and at the picture of her in the fuzzy blue sweater that hung off her so loosely, and despite herself she felt a deep smile.
My spider powers developed a few months later. I don't know why I wore the mask. But, I thought if I was like my dad, maybe he’d want to see me again. And maybe I’d understand him.
A few more months, they were having family dinner, the Parkers and the Stacys, at the Stacys flat, for the first time in a long time now.
“Can you pass the potatoes?”
“Sure, Aunt May.”
Peter lent across the table to hand over the bowl. Gwen sat next to him, in an oversized hoodie that said "This Barbie has gender dysphoria".
“Peter,” said Captain Stacy.
Gwen instinctively looked round, but he was looking at Peter. Gwen shrank into herself a little, hiding her little smile.
“You’re looking pretty big and strong. May says they got you on the, uh, the medication?”
I tried telling myself all that pain made me… special. When no-one sees you, it’s the only way to tell yourself it’s a good thing.
Gwen hugged Peter goodbye.
“Thanks for looking after me.”
“You are special, Gwen,” he had said, “so special.”
"See you for nearly every class at school?"
She overheard her dad talking to May on their way out.
“I don’t know, May, it’s like my son has gone off somewhere and died.”
“And now your daughter needs you, George.”
Gwen ran off to her room. It’d been a while since she’d been back. Everything was basically untouched.
“Your mom always wanted a little girl, you know.”
Her dad stood outside the door gripping the doorframe, unsure if he should come in.
“Thought she would be ‘disappointed in me’. Isn’t that what you said? Shouted – sorry – screamed at me.”
“Yeah, I, uh… You’re starting to look really pretty.”
“Thanks. I’ll be sure to check in with a mirror.”
“No, no – I mean it, I-“ he took a big sigh, “look, this is tough for me too.”
“Isn’t tough for me.”
“Yeah?”
She didn’t see it, but he looked at her with amazement twinkling in his eyes.
“How’d you turn out so amazing?. You’re just amazing. I don’t know how you did it. And… all by yourself.”
He looked away again.
“The truth is, your mother would be so proud of you for sticking up for yourself. And what’s right. Because you’re so strong… Gwen. I mean, look at you. I’m… proud of you.”
She looked round, surprised, tears in her eyes. She took him in, his huge frame slouched and ashamed of himself in front of her. He rarely took off his police uniform, and in his hand was his jacket and she saw in the faint light the pastel blue-pink-white-pink-blue of the trans flag coloured just above his badge.
She ran over and hugged him tight.
He was surprised, but quickly held her back.
“I’m still figuring this all out.”
“You’re doing great, you’re doing really well,” she said quickly, squeezing him tighter.
They were both shocked and crying. She didn’t realise this could have happened. Feeling safe.
“Ah, geez…Wow, you're still strong- sorry... sorry.” her dad wiped tears away. “I love you, Gwen. I don’t want to lose you. This is on me.”
“Dad, no, I could have-“
“No. Just… let me.”
He broke away from the hug. She was worried for a moment she did something to upset him.
“Here, I got you something.”
He was holding a pink rectangular box and passed it over. Gwen raised an eyebrow, but then took back the lid. There was a pair of teal coloured ballet shoes, shining and brand new in the box.
She lifted them out, admiring them as they dangled in the air where she held them by the straps.
“I don’t know what girls need; this is going to be some trial and error stuff, so – you know – watch out.”
She laughed.
There was $100 in 20s left in the case.
“Oh yeah, uh, May mentioned you’d been taking Peter’s clothes, but I thought in case you wanted to buy your own. Hey, you want to throw all this out, or-“ he gestured around the room.
“No, it’s ok, dad. Thank you.”
“Sure. Hey, Peter Parker…”
"Oh, we’re just friends. Just friends, we do homework and go to classes and movies at the weekend with May. He’s proud of me too. Hence the pictures.”
“No, no-“
“It’s just his hobby - like, photography.”
“No, I get it, just – I never used to worry about this stuff. Wow.”
Gwen felt a little knot of joy in her stomach.
“I missed out on a lot of your life recently.”
“Maybe all of it?” she said in a quick breath.
“No… yeah, I see what you’re saying. I’ll work on that. Promise. Hey, spend that on clothes, okay – not drugs.”
“Daaaad.”
“And no more secrets. Ok? I mean, I’m not sure what could be bigger than this, but…" he laughed.
Gwen took in a sharp breath. Her eyes flicked over to her rucksack, but he didn't seem to notice her.
"...anyway, I’ll…" her dad continued, "I’ll see you soon. That ok?”
“Yeah. Thanks Dad.”
“’Kay. He's right, you know, about you being special. I love you.”
He smiled one more awkward smile, then left her alone.
“Phew,” she heard him mutter to himself from the kitchen, "maybe she doesn't hate me... alright, George."
He walked away and she heard him go to bed.
“Love you too.”
She knelt by the drum kit and unscrewed the front of the big bass drum. She went to her rucksack and took out the Spider-Woman costume she’d made using Aunt May’s sowing machine when she and Peter had left her alone in the house one time, and put it inside the drum with the new ‘web-shooters’ she’d designed and been trying out, then screwed the front back on. She missed her mom for some reason right then; maybe there'd be less secrets?
Suddenly, I had a life.
Ballet, horse riding, drumming, school. Spider-stuff.
“Hey, you kept your hair short,” her dad said one day, at their regular family dinner with the Parkers. They were at the Parkers’ place this time.
“Yeah, you know,” she shrugged.
“I think it looks great,” said Peter.
“No, yeah yeah,” her dad said, “the punk rock look.”
“You can be disapproving, dad. It’s not transphobic.”
May winked at her and Gwen blushed.
“Those are some wonderful photos, Peter?” May said, as Peter flicked through photos of the Spider-Woman he’d taken on his phone.
I don’t know why I kept putting on the mask. But with every villain I beat, that voice that I hadn’t even realised I’d be screaming my whole life – I can’t I can’t I can’t do this I can’t do this – changed. I beat all of them. I could do this. Maybe I could do anything, actually.
“Hey, Gwen.”
Gwen waved to her band mates, ‘The Mary Janes’, at the school dance. She wanted Peter to see what she’d done to his old pink dress, adding a leather jacket she’d customised with small spikes and rock and pride badges. They had nearly every class together and she’d been wanting to tell him all day, but he hadn’t been around. It was odd.
I don’t remember much of the first 12 years of my life. When you’re not constantly stressed; when you’re not afraid anymore; that’s when time slows down. You’re making real memories. With people. Friends.
That’s when The Lizard attacked.
Almost everyone she knew and loved was in danger. She was scared for the first time. She ran off and changed and – like always – just in time shot her webs to hold The Lizard back before it hurt someone.
I can save everyone!
But The Lizard got hit by falling debris and shrank back down into her best friend.
“Peter! No, no, no!” She ran over and held him. “What did you do?”
“I just wanted to be special, like you,” he said weakly, “Gwen.”
“Gwen? Who’s Gwen?”
He went to lift her mask. She froze. She shouldn’t have tried to pull it back down, but she was afraid.
“Everything’s going to be okay…”
I can’t do this.
Her dad was the first on the scene. He saw her slip away. And then her dad hated Spider-Woman from here on. He loved Gwen. He hated her.
In the present moment, she was watching her dad behind a power-hexagonal cage. She couldn’t tell what he was afraid of.
"I don't know how to fix this."
“Well... hey, join the club.” Miguel threw her a watch. She put it on and followed them to the Spider-Society.
They walked into the lobby. Gwen looked down, holding herself as she numbly followed. She heard nothing and felt nothing. It was dissociating all over again. Suddenly she was 11 years old again, staring at the school's bathroom mirror, and taking in this little ugly boy with freckles and short hair with her brown roots growing back in and a strange nose, and realising when she blinked he blinked. That that reflection was meant to be her. Full of fear, before she'd learnt to let the fear run it’s course.
After a moment it clicked that all the people around her could be Spiders. She looked up suddenly. There were so many men.
“Is Miles here?” Her voice was strained and quiet.
Miguel gave her a dirty look and grunted.
“I know he’s your friend but,” Jess started, “it’s complicated.”
“But… I mean if we can go anywhere…” she said between little baby sobs.
“He can’t come here. He’s the one Spider we just can’t.”
Gwen didn’t understand.
“I don’t want to be alone.”
Jess put a hand on her shoulder.
“I know.”
They reached the end of the lobby. The space opened up. There were hundreds of Spiders.
They one by one started looking at her. Lots and lots of them looked at her in shock, like they’d seen a ghost.
The ones that weren’t wearing masks looked like…
She gasped. She buried her head against Jess to hide.
A thousand Peters. All grown up.
“…see, this was a mistake, how is she meant to go on missions with any of them!”
She was vaguely listening, as Miguel and Jess argued.
“You need to calm down, Miguel; she’s just a girl.”
Just a girl.
“Aye, and anyone called Peter comes near her, is she going to be able to cope?”
Peter. You would always meet someone with that name. You could never escape it.
“I’ll be ok,” she said, pulling herself out of Jess and thwiping away.
“Gwen, wait!”
“Teenagers,” Miguel grumbled, before storming off to his sad dark echo-chamber/command centre. Jess watched after Gwen, as she thwiped further away, getting smaller, trying to find a safe spot alone.
Maybe I was still ashamed of myself. Afraid I was going to slip up. Afraid that 'Gwen' couldn’t really help anyone – couldn’t attend pride marches or synthesise DIY HRT for other trans kids who needed it - but Spider-Woman was a mask who could help people. Another mask, but a better one. A hero. Why am I only realising this now?
Peter died without knowing how I did it. I didn't do anything. I'm not special. All I did was hurt all the people close to me.
She found a little corner at a 45-degree angle she could stick to, high up, dangling and seeing all of Spider-Society below. They were all so small, but she could tell they were still looking. She put on the mask and hid her face. And she started to cry.
Her GWEN bracelet was back in her drum kit, with her picture of Miles. It had been the last piece of him she had left.
For the first time, she felt like her wrist was naked - just the watch there instead now.
My body wrecked my life, again. If I could have just stayed the same, no-one would have got hurt.
She couldn’t see another Gwen anywhere.
Maybe I was just a mistake.
And all she’d wanted in that moment before she’d left her dimension was to hug her dad. But there had been a glowing barrier, and Jess holding her back. Now they were a dimension away.
She thought of Miles.
I can’t do this.