A question: is what he always seemed to have for you. There was always at least one during every shared encounter. Whether passing each other around the rounded corridors, during a workout or the simple ritual of making a coffee, there was always a question. You didn’t mind them, not at all. You were intelligent with emotions, and you could feel that they were often ploys to get closer to you. That was good, as you wanted him closer. You were just letting him do it as his own pace. Today, it was a day off, and as the skies outside were cloudy and chilled, you took great pleasure in lounging across the sofa in one of the smaller common-rooms, often used as a reading room. Nestled in between the cushions you were, when you began counting in your mind… 10, 9, 8…. You were a second or two off, but then as predicted, in he walked.
“Hi Lo”. He replied with your name and a simple nod of his head, as he took a seat opposite you on the other sofa. He sat upright, with his large, ancient looking book opened on top of the cushion that sat upon his lap. You kept reading, but you could feel his eyes flickering to you. So hard you tried not to let the corners of your mouth move, as your smug smile threatened to show, but you could fob it off to something you were reading anyway. Your eyes kept scanning the words, as your mind wondered how long it would take him. A game it had almost become to you, but not a game of any vindictive nature, no, the game was more endearing. He was endearing. As much as you understood why, you did wish that he would just outright ask what he wanted to ask: to spend time with you, to be with you, etc. And like clockwork, the introductory question was asked.
“What are you reading?”. You turned the book to show him the cover.
“It’s about a woman who takes a job as an assistant to a writer. I think they fall in love or something, I don’t know yet, I just started it”, you explained as your eyes rested back upon the words. Loki gave a huh sound at your description and a nod, before carrying on with his reading. You waited again…
“Do you… do you like reading about love?”. There it was. Turning your head to the right, as it rested upon the cushion, you saw those absorbing eyes of his, staring over the top of his book. To be honest, that question caught you slightly off guard. Only slightly.
“Ummm… yeah, I guess”. You pondered for a moment, deciding on your thoughts. “I mean, its something we can all relate to, isn’t it. It’s what we run on”. He was silent again, as you returned your eyes back to the words.
“You think the world truly runs on love? Isn’t that slightly naive thinking?”, he spoke again.
“No. We all love, differently, uniquely. And if the world had more of it, then we wouldn’t have half the problems we do. We need more of it, in ourselves”. He pondered your answer before speaking again.
“You think we all love?”. He asked.
“Of course we do. You love your brother, don’t you?”. You kept your eyes on your book, as you had that feeling not to move a muscle in case he backed off from this conversation. But you also wanted to keep it light, and seem nonchalant, showing him that your words and their meanings were not scary. He was quiet, apart from a small, expected scoff, but you wanted to keep going. “Despite him being sometimes hotheaded and impulsive, you love him, don’t you?”. Maybe you were pushing this now, but push you did.
“Yes. Yes, he can be hotheaded at times. We can be very different in that way. He is quite foolhardy, arrogant, self-righteous, and he thinks he knows best… despite this, I would do anything to protect him”. Now you turned to him.
“That’s love, Loki”. His eyes sharpened slightly, and you could already hear his defence. “And before you go off onto how annoying Thor is, why don’t you bring the focus back to yourself”. His eyes stayed sharp, but his headed tilted slightly. You loved when he titled his head.
“Back to myself?”. He continues giving you a steady stare.
“Do you think you love yourself? Are you kind to yourself?”. He actually seemed caught off guard by your question. He titled his head further as he considered his reply. He is not used to someone asking about how he is towards himself, only used to people fearing or mocking him.
“What do you.. mean?”. He asked once again.
“What I say. We all forget to be kind to ourselves, and love ourselves, while we focus on pleasing others, seeking their validation. It’s not worth it. We’re always more important than them, we’re just taught not to treat ourselves so well”. He nodded, now understanding what you meant.
“I think… I do”. You didn’t buy it. There is no way he did.
“Do you truly?”. He thought upon his reply again.
“The truth is, I am not always kind to myself. Not only have I lived in the shadow of my brother for my entire life, but… I have done many things worth despising”. He seems embarrassed now, as if he hates speaking this out loud, or acknowledge the truth. “But I am… I am determined to do better”.
“That’s good, Loki. And you will. It sounds so cliche but we truly have to love ourselves first, for everyone else is a reflection of us”. A small, genuine smile spreads across his face now at your words. They’re just what he needed to hear today. You always had the right words for him, he felt. “Plus, we’ve all done horrid, shitty things, Loki. But now is our chance to move on from it all. To not even let ourselves be in such positions again where such things could happen”. He nods again.
“You’re very wise. And you are right. I must learn to love myself, even the parts of me that I despise”. Now you smile, warmly at his words of recognition. “You… you are a kind woman, and with such an empathetic spirit…”, he seems almost hesitant to say.
“Thank you, Loki. I just learnt all this the hard way as well”. He smiles, understandingly. He somewhat knows that you and Tony had a rough time growing up, often used as pawns before the public by your greedy, swinish parents. How similar you were.
“I suppose some people can only ever learn sometimes by experiencing the hardships that life provides them. But in that way, all your past hardships and mistakes have led you to this point, as the wise, caring, empathetic, woman who can encourage others to accept themselves”. Ok you truly weren’t expecting all this praise from him. “Perhaps the greatest wisdom comes from those who have experienced life’s greatest pains. And perhaps we can only grow once we have touched rock bottom”. Your laid your book against your stomach, giving him your full, undivided attention. His openness had you almost speechless.
“Thank you, Loki. For the kind words about me. And yes, yes I agree with that. The wisest are always the most tired”, you smiled.
“Your kind words are truly…. They are truly a balm on my heart”. Your smile grew, as you sat half-upright so you could take a sip of your coffee that was on the small table between you both.
“Perhaps thats all you need, Loki. Some words of love”. He blushed. He actually blushed at your words. He now gave you a small, flustered nod.
“I’ve never.. been spoken to this way… not by someone who meant it, anyway. It… it is lovely, truly. I… I must thank you”. You waved your hand while swallowing your mouthful, and laid back down with your book as you replied—
“It’s my pleasure, honey”. His face went red, clearly a little flustered at the endearment, but he tried to cover it up by pulling a confident, cheeky, wink at you. He did that sometimes, and it secretly drove you mad. He pauses for a few seconds, thinking about his next words.
“But is.. is love… something you’ve experienced?”, he spoke quietly.
“Definitely! I feel love all the time. I love myself, my brother, my friends. I even loved my ex-partners once upon a time. I also love a song that I listened to this morning. I love the colour of your hair! There are no bounds to love, Loki”. He blushes brightly once again, a little at a loss for words as he considers your definition of love. While what you have described to him sounds more like his own definitions of like and kindness, he realises he may simply be lacking in the experience to truly understand the meaning of love. Loki still feels that what you described is not quite right..
“And what if you are loved in return? Surely… surely that is the greatest gift we can ask for?”. You sat up again, now completely discarding your book to the seat next you, while you folded your leg under the other one to get comfortable.
“Most definitely! But not everyone knows how to love us the way we need, and its usually because we don’t love ourselves the way we need”. He smiles at you. He really likes your voice, as well as your words. Your voice…
“You are a very wise person… you speak of love with true knowledge, of a mind that understands the complexity of what really is a very simple emotion”. His words make you feel warm. He pauses for a moment, and you give him the time to do so. “Then I will give you another question, since you have been so kind to me. If you truly love someone… what would you do for them?”.
“Many things! Adore them, care for them, protect them, make them laugh”. He nods, his mind clearly working.
“How about… sacrifice? If someone gave up everything… every dream, hope, desire… everything for you, just to save your life… would that prove true love?”. You took a breath, letting it huff from your lips as you processed his question, as well as your answer.
“Well… yes. But ideally they would let me know of their great love for me before it could get to such a point, so we could work it out together”. He thinks on your words.
“So… its not the sacrifice itself that matters most, it’s the willingness to make that sacrifice? The willingness to lay down everything —dreams, hopes, desires, everything— for someone else just because… just because you love them that much?”. You take another sip of coffee.
“I would say so. But I also wouldn’t want someone I love so much to sacrifice so much for me”. He was really making you think here. You loved it.
“Because you love them enough to not want them to have to make that sacrifice?”. He seems interested, for sure, but still slightly uncertain, as if he is trying to figure something out. “Because if you love them, you would not want to be the cause of their unhappiness or sacrifice?”.
“Exactly. I want someone that I love greatly to be the happiest possible, you know?”. Loki nods, understanding completely now.
“So… if I was willing to lay down everything I ever wanted, everything I ever hoped for in life…”, a small, cheeky grin spreads across his face. “… just for you…”, he pauses for a moment, “would that prove that I truly love you?”. That — you were not expecting. He saw your brows raise, and your lips part, agape with bafflement.
“You… you love me that much after only meeting me, what? Two,three months ago?”. Loki’s grin turned into an amused smile, as he now raised his eyebrows but teasingly.
“What if I said yes? What if I said it was love at first sight?”. He glances at you. “What if I said that it was love at first conversation?”. Your bafflement continued.
“Wow… I’m a little shocked to be honest. But I’m not denying you what you feel, Loki”. You took a deep breath, steadying the inflow of air as you body had since ceased it only moments ago. He smile softened slightly, a bit of pink in his cheeks as he continues to talk.
“Then… then I shall stand by my word. I love you. It is love at first conversation. But… what can I do for you? What can I do to make you happy? To prove to you my love, my love at first conversation?”. You reached for the glass of water that you had left abandoned in favour of your coffee, taking a well needed gulp.
“This is really fast, Loki. I have to say, I don’t exactly believe in love at first sight, however, I am very, very drawn to you, and would like to get to know you a lot more… are you ok with us taking it a bit slow?”. He is slightly flushed with embarrassment, at his own impetuousness. He bows his head slightly towards you.
“Very well. If you feel that my love at first conversation has come on too strong, then I am willing to take it slow. We can learn more about each other, spend time together. I would not wish to scare you, or overwhelm you”. You sat forward.
“No, please don’t think you scared me, because you haven’t. I just would like us to be mindful, and not to rush”. He bows his head again, with understanding.
“I understand truly. I apologise for coming on to strong. I will do everything I can to make you happy and I will do it in a manner which allows you to be comfortable. My affection… is strong, true, and it comes on quickly. But I promise that I will do my best to be… considerate”. You liked Loki, you liked him a lot. And you knew it was most certainly possible for you to like him a whole lot more. He was often on your mind, you just didn’t expect all of this truth to be revealed this morning. And you did have a worry that was underlying.
“But will it leave just as quickly? That’s what worries me”, you asked. He sat forward then with hast, shaking his head, while his eyes were intense and focused on you.
“No. No, absolutely not. That is the thing about real love, and true love. It stays. It will always stay. I may not have experienced much in life but many, many loses - but my love is not easily shaken. I had been examining it for sometime, and now after our liberating talk this morning, I know that I have felt it, that i do feel it, that I feel it strongly for you. But do not worry, for I do not change with the wind. My heart is steadfast, when it comes to love. That is one thing I am certain of”. You felt some pressure leave your chest from his words.
“Well that’s very reassuring to hear”, you smiled warmly at him. He smiles back, relieved that he has not scared you off with his confession. His own expression is now warmer, and its so beautiful.
“Does this mean I may continue to show my affection for you. I will not… overwhelm you. I promise that. But I want to find ways to show you just how much I care. It is not very often in life I meet someone who… whose makes me want to be the best I can be. I do not take that lightly”. You nodded, with colour blushing your cheeks.
“Please. That… that you be nice, Loki”. The feeling that you feel when you see him smile, already has a newer depth to it. It is almost if you feel the warmth right down to your toes.
“Then I will show you my affection, I will make you a priority. I will treat you with the utmost care and respect you deserve. But… on one condition”. Your brows raise inquisitively, already knowing of what he may ask, and if it is what you already imagine, then you have already said yes.
“What is that?”. His face softens even more, and he looks absolutely adorable.
“May I… kiss you?”. You nod yes.
He stands quietly, and makes his way over to the sofa you are sat upon. His smile is soft; warm and sweet. He leans forwards slowly, his cheeks still rosy, his breath coming fast. His eyes are still fixed on yours, but he keeps his gaze steady as he gets close. His body language and tone of voice say it all… he hesitates only for a moment, before finally placing his lips of yours in a tender, and a slightly bashful, kiss. Your fingers come up to touch his cheek, and for a movement he freezes at the touch, before he instantly relaxes again, continuing the kiss. His hand reaches up to gently place behind your head, to hold you in place. His eyes flutter open, checking that this moment is real and not another dream. Your other hand moves up to cup his other cheek now, causing his blush to deepen. You can feel the heat from his blush under your palms. Your lips part, but linger very close. He smiles against your lips, a little hesitantly still but clearly enjoying himself, as are you. His forehead presses to yours. He’s breathing heavily, seemingly so overcome with the moment that he struggles to speak for a few moments, before finding his voice again. “Was that… alright?”.
“That was very, very alright”, you steady your breath to speak. Loki smiles, his heart fluttering with that strange sense of happiness that seems to make its appearance when he is around you, or that comes when you are on his mind. He is thrumming with joy. He keeps his hand on your cheek, as he looks into your eyes, before leaning in one more time, for a softer, longer, more passionate kiss.
“You smell so good”, you whispered against his lips. You can feel the warmth from his blushing cheeks against yours now. His face still lingered close, his lips only inches from yours.
“You smell good too… like… the sun, and the light, and… spring”. He pauses for a few moments. “My apologies, that….was probably a bit too cheesy and romantic”. You laugh lightly, as a smile spreads across his face again; a tad sheepish, but still genuinely happy. “I just want to do everything I can to make sure you understand. I… I really… really care for you”.
“Don’t apologise, honey. Just let your affection flow”. He nods slowly, while looking to your lips again before his eyes come back to yours.
Since the moment he had heard your voice, he felt it. He wasn’t quite sure if it was it, but now, he was. Loki was completely sure of his love for you.